Boyfriend would rather I live in car than stay with him for 10 days

[doomedtowanderalone]

My boyfriend and I had been together for a year. He is 29 and I am 27. I am moving into a new apartment because my lease ends at the end of the month but my new apartment won't be ready until the 10th. I can't stay in my current place because 1. it has already been rented out so I need to be out and 2. it has roaches and I have never been comfortable there so I spent most of my time at my boyfriend's anyway. I don't have the money to stay in a temporary place because all my money is going into deposits for the new place. So my only other alternative is to sleep in my car. My boyfriend knew all of this. He told me a month ago it would be ok to stay with him for the 10 days. Then a couple days ago I was mentioning that I would only bring my clothes to his place and put the rest in storage til I moved to the new place and he told me he doesn't think it would be a good idea for me to stay with him. He said he thought it would put stress on our relationship and that he didn't believe it would just be temporary. I was really hurt by this because he has no reason to think that (I put a deposit on the new place and have never said anything to indicate I wouldn't be moving in). I left and thought about it for a couple hours and then I called and broke up with him. He seemed totally fine with the breakup and even made it sound like it was my fault. Can somebody please help me make sense of this? Please confirm I did the right thing by breaking up with him and that I wasn't overreacting? Why would he not want to help me out when he claimed to be in love with me all the time and we'd been together for a year? And he said it was ok the month before? How do I get over this hurt? Although I technically broke up with him, it feels like I got dumped since he basically gave me no choice.

Edited July 23, 2012 by doomedtowanderalone
clarification

[USMCHokie]

Sounds like he didn't want you there when his other girl(s) came to visit...

 

You absolutely 100% did the right thing. And who cares who dumped who. The important thing is that it's over.

[SunandMoon]

Definitely a good call. I mean if the guy is just gonna let you live in your car, that's not nice by any means, even just friends would allow that kinda thing (staying in their appartment). Makes ya think what kinda crap he would've pulled later down the line.

[USMCHokie]

Makes ya think what kinda crap he would've pulled later down the line.

 

Or worse...has been pulling already...

[Radu]

He wanted you to break up with him.

[SunandMoon]

Or worse...has been pulling already...

 

Given his lack of care after the break up it is rather concerning.... I don't wanna assume too much, though.

[Trimmer]

It kinda sounds like he was on his way out anyway.

 

Who wouldn't help even a friend with no other option than to sleep in her car? Let alone someone you are in a committed relationship with.

 

It all sounds consistent with the idea that he became ambivalent about the relationship, and then this situation presented him with a way to snuff it out while letting it seem like you pushed things over the edge.

 

And finally, his neutral reaction to the breakup is again consistent with the idea that he didn't really care to continue the relationship.

[shayla]

This man was not your friend, at all. That is the bottom line.

[Miss Vee]

OP I salute you! I salute you for having the self respect to kick this loser to the curb instead of making excuses for him and bending over backwards to accommodate his selfishness as too many women do in relationships - only to look back years later when he's gone and done something utterly unforgivable and realise that they've tolerated and enabled his behaviour to the point of madness. Good for you for getting out early. Obviously it'll hurt like hell - you were together for a year but take heart in the fact that your actions have spared you much more pain down the line. And now you're free to find someone who'll treat you with love and respect.

[Balzac]

Disagree with him or not, poor financial planning ruins many relationships. I can see bith sides of this.

[Mcnulty]

Balzac, are you serious??

 

Even if it was a friend, I wouldn't let them stay in a car for 10 days.

 

Well done Doomed, you've dodged a bullet methinks.

[doomedtowanderalone]

Disagree with him or not, poor financial planning ruins many relationships. I can see bith sides of this.

 

There was no way around it. I only make $800 a month right now and the deposit is $1,000 and needed to be in cash. I don't start my new, full time job until the 30th. And what about him telling me I could stay with him a month ago? When I started looking at places a month ago, I noticed that the earliest available were around August 10th. So I asked him before I even put anything down on the apartment. Isn't a year enough time together to expect that your bf/gf will help you in times of need if they can?

 

Thank you everyone else for your replies. I was thinking the same thing (that he wanted me to break up with him). I guess now he gets to play the victim

Edited July 23, 2012 by doomedtowanderalone
details

[Trimmer]

Disagree with him or not, poor financial planning ruins many relationships. I can see bith sides of this.

 

She planned far enough ahead to save up for the deposit. She planned far enough ahead to know that she would need a place to stay for 10 days, and got his OK to help her out. And she's got a new job starting out within a month.

 

It's always an uncertain time, moving and making job transitions. But you get through it and you move on.

 

A lot of young people would just borrow from mom and dad. That makes things look cleaner from the outside, but it doesn't constitute planning. As long as she's moving forward and upward, I don't see anything wrong with someone pulling herself up by her own bootstraps.

Edited July 23, 2012 by Trimmer

[KatZee]

Disagree with him or not, poor financial planning ruins many relationships. I can see bith sides of this.

 

OK, and lets just say for arguments sake she didn't plan correctly... it was 10 measly days. She didn't ask to stay there for 3 months.

 

Her boyfriend of ONE YEAR can't even be bothered to put her up on a couch for 10 days? He's that selfish, self-centered?

 

This guy didn't care. End of story. 10 days isn't going to make or break a relationship. He didn't want to house her, he could have something to hide, or he wants to take the cowards way out by doing something to have HER end it with him. He didn't even put up a fight at the end, this was what he wanted. It had nothing to do with poor financial planning, or finances in general that ruined the relationship.

[doomedtowanderalone]

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I could use them right now. I asked him a couple days ago if there was someone else. He looked startled and he said "No, but it wouldn't be any of your business". Then he said he would tell me if he were. Not sure how to feel about that.

 

And he's really enjoying this victim role, claiming the reason he doesn't care about the breakup is because I broke up with him and broke his heart and that I could still have stayed with him (for the 10 days), that he never said I couldn't, it just wasn't welcome and he just wouldn't be happy about it and he "wanted to be honest". He didn't know why after a year, with me being there all the time anyway, it scared him so much to have me stay there for 10 days. He still doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.

 

I think I am still in shock.

 

Anyway, thanks everyone for letting me know I did the right thing so that I know his trying to justify is just bs

[Els]

Thank you everyone for the kind words. I could use them right now. I asked him a couple days ago if there was someone else. He looked startled and he said "No, but it wouldn't be any of your business". Then he said he would tell me if he were. Not sure how to feel about that.

 

And he's really enjoying this victim role, claiming the reason he doesn't care about the breakup is because I broke up with him and broke his heart and that I could still have stayed with him (for the 10 days), that he never said I couldn't, it just wasn't welcome and he just wouldn't be happy about it and he "wanted to be honest". He didn't know why after a year, with me being there all the time anyway, it scared him so much to have me stay there for 10 days. He still doesn't think there is anything wrong with it.

 

I think I am still in shock.

 

Anyway, thanks everyone for letting me know I did the right thing so that I know his trying to justify is just bs

 

You're doing good, hon. Stay strong. It's just inexcusable to not be there for an SO in his/her time of need, IMO. You don't need or want such partners. Far better to be single.

[doomedtowanderalone]

If he texted me randomly last night (a random fact about a show we both love), what are the odds that he has rethought everything and decided he is an idiot and wants me back (or some form of this)? Or is he just texting because he is lonely? How should I handle this to see which one it is?

[KatZee]

If he texted me randomly last night (a random fact about a show we both love), what are the odds that he has rethought everything and decided he is an idiot and wants me back (or some form of this)? Or is he just texting because he is lonely? How should I handle this to see which one it is?

 

He'd rather that you sleep in your car, than have to inconvenience himself by allowing you to stay in his apartment for 10 days. Who cares about that damn show.

[doomedtowanderalone]

You don't think his texting could mean he realizes how stupid he was being and wants me to stay with him now? I don't move for 4 days

[Frank13]

I asked him a couple days ago if there was someone else. He looked startled and he said "No, but it wouldn't be any of your business". Then he said he would tell me if he were. Not sure how to feel about that.

 

 

Wow! What a huge red flag this is. If everything was perfect with him but he still said this, I would dump him. What he said is something that would be ok to say go an ex or even a friend, but not to the person you are in a commited relationship with. That makes it your business.

 

I would be so through with this guy for him feeling this way.

 

I would call or text him and say something like "Oh by the way, you may be wondering if I was sleeping with other guys while we were together. Well, that's none of your business."

[doomedtowanderalone]

Frank-

 

Sorry if I wrote that wrong. He actually said that 3 days after we broke up, not while we were still together. I went to his house to give him back some stuff and his house key (yes, I had a key which is why this is even more confusing. He gave me a key and had no problems with me showing up whenever but he didn't want me there for the 10 days). That's when I tried to talk to him to get some closure but he's too into the self pity and trying to be hurt that "I" dumped "him" to see all the signs that he didn't want the relationship anymore.

 

It's all very confusing. I had just met his parents a couple weeks before all this. He gave me the key a long time ago. These are signs that he was serious about me.

 

I really don't know what went wrong. I guess I will never know?

[zanzi]

He sounds like a douche bag. Maybe he was really into his own space. Even so, he showed his true nature.

[Snakechammah]

I know this sounds harsh... but I suspect there is another woman underneath it all.

 

The relationship might have been well over months or weeks before this issue began.

 

But who cares right? Like someone said, you've dodged a bullet. Don't give this guy the time of the day anymore. Ignore him, and work out your own problems. Be independent, don't rely on anyone. Good luck with the new apartment!

[KatZee]

You don't think his texting could mean he realizes how stupid he was being and wants me to stay with him now? I don't move for 4 days

 

No. I don't. He's not asking to meet up. He's not saying, "Hun, I was so stupid and selfish, of course you can stay with me..." he's talking about a stupid show.

 

Also, you're so concerned about him taking YOU back when you did nothing wrong. He's the douchebag in this situation, he should be begging for YOU back. Not the other way around.

[doomedtowanderalone]

Snakechammah- It is not harsh. I appreciate your opinion. I just really don't see how it is even possible. He spent all his time with me and if he has someone else, why bother? Why not just dump me and be with her? He had been divorced for only 6 months when we met. Maybe he isn't over his ex-wife?

 

KatZee- You are right. I didn't even realize I said "take me back"=-/ And he isn't texting me and apologizing. He is texting me random things about shows we liked.

 

Thank you both, you are right and I needed to hear that to come back to reality. He is the douchebag and unless he comes begging (highly unlikely), he is not worth responding to.

 

What sucks though is that my new apartment is literally within walking distance to his work. And 3 miles away from his house. I think I might need to find a new place to live.