Pippa01 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I am really not sure where to start with this...first post...need some help from outsiders about my relationship and feelings I'm having. Seems silly to me, but I don't really don't know what else to do. I'll try to provide the most unobjective truths possible. Gonna be a long post... Some background on our relationship: -I'm 28, he's 29 - We knew each other in high school, never had a relationship or any emotional connection - I came home from studying abroad in 2005 and we ran into each other in a bar seeing a mutual friend play music and hit it off, dated for a little while (no sex), he got incredibly drunk one night and I stopped talking to him...disgusted at his behavior - Dated multiple people that summer and decided to give him another try since he was one of the NICEST guys I had ever met...the rest is history... - Dated exclusively through 2009, got engaged, and then married in 2010. Some 'special' things about me: - Quite independent since I was 14 when I got my first job working under the table - Mother attempted suicide when I was 18 (1st year of college), she wasn't successful and after a couple months decided to move to FL on my own and start anew - Father died in 2008 from natural causes - I'm a very career-oriented person, always wanting to make money, travel and enjoy playing hard since I work hard Our relationship that has me questioning things: - We hardly have sex, or are intimate on any level. This was the same prior to getting married, I recognize this as just as much my fault. We prob have sex once every 2 months, maybe - He's had 'problems' over the years when drinking too much, which he usually doesn't. But when he does, OH DEAR GOD! Tries to jump out of the car on an interstate, gets in race-discussions with strangers, says awful things, fights people over sports...I also have been known to drink too much but usually ends in me making friends with everyone...not angry - He gives me zero emotional support: never even hugged me when my father passed away suddenly, offered little sympathy...doesn't understand why I could possibly still have 'life' issues that resonate from my mother attempting suicide. - Doesn't have any interest in things I enjoy (passionate about), and not that I want him to DO them, but just support: running, triathlons, dance, art, travelling to other countries, music (I play football, hockey and softball with him) So, nothing has been different since we married. All of these things were in effect for our entire relationship. I made the decision to get married based on the fact that he loves me more than ANYONE has ever loved me, unconditionally. I love him as well...he's a great person. We get along wonderfully, absolutely best friends. I can't imagine spending 24/7 with a person and getting along and having laughs/great conversations as I do with him. I don't blame him totally about the lack of emotion/caring, as he comes from a 'colder' upbringing. However, this past January I brought up to him that I needed more. I know, UNFAIR! But that's the way it is. I think I've realized that you can have passion and love in life...you don't have to choose. I told him I wanted him to 'want' me and show me how much he loved me. Nothing has changed...it's been over 7 months. He keeps saying he's in denial about the 'seriousness' about the situation. We went to MC for 5 weeks. It was decided that I definitely need to have a passionate marriage. I need excitement, travel and those things that I've known all along I NEED. I am extremely sexual...pleasuring myself at least once per day. We just don't have that chemistry. He's not willing to move/travel other than to places he wants. We had decided prior to marriage we would live in a distinct city, and now he won't hear of it. I almost feel duped. The past 2 weeks I've been sleeping in the spare room and we've been in contact, but no kissing, or anything really. Just being cordial. I told him I needed time to think about what I wanted in life. I told him I wanted him to fight for me if I'm what he wanted...he said that "you're my wife, I don't have to fight for you". Ugh, I'm so confused about what to do! Do I just stay married to my best friend and be content with that my whole life, or break his heart (which he told me I would be doing) and find what it is I know I could really have? So sorry for the extremely long post. I appreciate any input/questions from those that enjoy reading novels 1
Meatballsmom Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 It gets down to: Live live and love it or Love life and live it. I think the two of you are the former and you are wanting the latter He has had plenty of time to make changes and I doubt that he ever will. Maybe, just maybe, when you leave for good, will he see the light It is your life, live it the way you please 1
g450 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Could not help but notice that you posed this: Some 'special' things about me: - Quite independent since I was 14 when I got my first job working under the table - Mother attempted suicide when I was 18 (1st year of college), she wasn't successful and after a couple months decided to move to FL on my own and start anew - Father died in 2008 from natural causes - I'm a very career-oriented person, always wanting to make money, travel and enjoy playing hard since I work hard OK so how exactly is your fathers death and your mother's suicide attempt a "special thing about you".? That isnt about YOU it's about them. What exactly are you trying to tell us here? Our relationship that has me questioning things: - We hardly have sex, or are intimate on any level. This was the same prior to getting married, I recognize this as just as much my fault. We prob have sex once every 2 months, maybe - He's had 'problems' over the years when drinking too much, which he usually doesn't. But when he does, OH DEAR GOD! OK I did not have to ready any more after this. You are in a toxic relationship. You cant help him if he doesnt help himself. You can only help youself. Help youself OUT of this relationship (if you can even call it that.) 1
Forever Learning Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) Our relationship that has me questioning things: - We hardly have sex, or are intimate on any level. This was the same prior to getting married, I recognize this as just as much my fault. We prob have sex once every 2 months, maybe - He's had 'problems' over the years when drinking too much, which he usually doesn't. But when he does, OH DEAR GOD! OK I did not have to ready any more after this. You are in a toxic relationship. You cant help him if he doesnt help himself. You can only help youself. Help youself OUT of this relationship (if you can even call it that.) BINGO!!! Pippa, YOU ARE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. Keep going to counseling, both marriage counseling and individual counseling. If he refuses to go, it's time to seriously consider divorce. Now check this out - this was my life. Don't let it be yours. I got with him at age 27. He was alot like your guy. Alchoholic, Rage-o-holic, low sex drive, no touching, no compassion, happy to go to bars or sit and watch tv, no interest in travel, etc etc. He started sleeping on the couch. Stayed there for oh, most of the 16 years we were together. He wouldn't do the marriage counseling. I went alone for 2 years (he finally went a few sessions under threat of divorce, and lied to the counselor, no real consideration of what the counselor had to say). There is a personality disorder under the Cluster B category of Personality Disorders in Psychiatry - sociopath and psychopath, along with others. My ex is a psychopath and narcissist. They don't change. They lie and manipulate. They look out for # 1. They don't necessarily go running down the street with an axe or anything like in the movies, LOL. People tend to freak when you use the word 'psychopath'. But it is a genuine personality disorder, and a very cold, detached one at that. They are just cold, unemotional people. They can trick others into thinking they are 'normal', but it's an act, a trick. 8% of the population falls in this category. Not saying your guy is, but just saying, he's cold and unsupportive. And not caring much when your dad died, well - that is pretty cold. I think the individual counseling is the best idea for you, to have a support team to get you out of this, if that is what you decide has to happen. My divorce was the best decision I ever made, I just took too many years to get to that point. You are young. Don't be dumb and waste time, like I did. There was no internet advice forums back then. Had there been, maybe my story would have been different, and I would have left him sooner. Oh well. My life is good now, that's all that matters. Him giving you 'zero emotional support' and no hug when your dad died. Having no interest nor giving any support in things you like to do. Sound very familiar. My ex partied with friends while I was having major surgery to remove cancer in the neck. This is how the operate. Bottom line, I just don't want to see you going thru this 15 years from now like I did. If he is unwilling to change - Get out now!!!! And, don't have kids with him. God bless you dear! Try the individual counseling for better guidance, unique to your particular situation. Cheers and good luck. Edited July 25, 2012 by Forever Learning
Author Pippa01 Posted July 25, 2012 Author Posted July 25, 2012 I really appreciate your responses. I have been told before that I was in a 'toxic' relationship, so I guess this just really drives the point home. I have been in individual counseling for the past 4 years (since fathers death), and that has really been my saving grace. It's been helping me deal with the guilt that I've been feeling about potentially leaving my husband and hurting him. I guess the dumb things that I get wrapped up in, that should NOT matter, I know, are thinking about what we would do with the house (in both names and not worth what we owe), splitting up everything and actually separating two lives that have pretty much been entwined for the past 6 years. These are things I am just going to have to get over and realize it's all for the better in the end. Thanks again for your replies...I really appreciate it. Pippa
Forever Learning Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 (edited) I have been told before that I was in a 'toxic' relationship, so I guess this just really drives the point home. I have been in individual counseling for the past 4 years It's been helping me deal with the guilt that I've been feeling about potentially leaving my husband and hurting him. I guess the dumb things that I get wrapped up in, that should NOT matter, I know, are thinking about what we would do with the house (in both names and not worth what we owe), splitting up everything and actually separating two lives that have pretty much been entwined for the past 6 years. These are things I am just going to have to get over and realize it's all for the better in the end. Pippa Others have told you it's a toxic relationship? Then chances are close to 100% that it is, if those around you have told you so. Oh yes, I know about dragging feet because of worries of splitting assets. I did that for years as well. Plus, my kids were so young, I stayed for an extra 4 years or so because I didn't want to have to worry about joint custody of a baby, and him not taking care of the baby and the toddler well, while he had them. That is something women worry about. Be very careful not to get pregnant right now, by the way. It's a mess if you add kids into the equation. Also, if this counselor is not helping you to the extent you want or need, or just feels stale after 4 years, or if you aren't clicking all the way and really, really benefitting from the counseling, consider shopping for another counselor. I had some ineffective counselors over the years, but I didn't know any better at the time. Now at 43, I can look back and see they were poor counselors and not all that helpful for me. You are probably Codependent (I am the poster child for Codependence, or I was anyway, in the past). Get these books at the library - they are famous, widely available books: Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood Codependent No More by Melody Beattie Beyond Codependency by Melody Beattie Write down the titles and get the books. At my local library, you can order books online - they will get the books from other libraries and deliver them to the library near your house - (and there is even a drive thru window to pick up the books at my library! How lazy is that?!? LOL It's awesome!!! ) You MUST read these books. They are a LIFE CHANGER. You will be amazed at how the fog will lift for you. Probably more helpful, or just as helpful, as your counselor has been for you. Please read the Robin Norwood book, it is very famous and a best seller. It will explain to you so much more about what is going on with you and the patterns of thinking that you have about men, than I can possibly tell you here. God bless and all the best to you!!!! Edited July 25, 2012 by Forever Learning
StripeyShirt Posted July 26, 2012 Posted July 26, 2012 Pippa I am so sorry about the loss of your father and the pain your mother's suicide attempt caused. As you describe your relationship, I cannot see where he loves you unconditionally or is your best friend. That is a sad way to live and you deserve better. 1
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