coach86 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I am in love with a friend. Met my friend 5 years ago, fall 2007. I was married and she was recently divorced. I was instantly attracted but I didn't pursue it but she was always flirty with me. Spring of 2011 she was having financial problems and reluctantly married a man that she really did not want to. I told her at the time that it might be good to marry him to help her out, I was also having a bad time in my marriage and was discussing this with her. When I said this she began to cry. Fall of 2011 she found out that her husband was seeing several women on the side and he treated her like property not a person. I saw this with my own eyes. I told her I was sorry for encouraging her to marry him.* Reasons for me wanting a divorce are myriad but went ten years without having sex. We have a ten year old daughter but have not had sex since. My wife says that I am pervert for wanting to have it. Gave up on it. I teach and coach football and work another forty hour a week third shift job. My wife spends an average of $2000 a month on shopping sprees. I have to do all the housework. I go three and four days in a row without any sleep. My wife constantly criticizes me. Also none of my friends, family or associates like my wife. This excludes me from social functions with them. I left my wife in the spring of 2012 and we began talking about being together. We only talked about how much we were attracted to each other and she began to tell me how she had waited on me to get a divorce those 5 years and that she has always been in love with me. She was already making preparations to get a divorce but when I left my wife she really accelerated her preparations. The more time I spent with her the more I really began to realize I was in love with her.* In May I moved back home with my wife after she promised me that she would change. I know I really done the OW wrong but she continued to tell me how much she loved me. Then at the end of June I get this text: " no I'm just stressed and our situation is not fair to either one of us. And I don't want either one of us to screw anything up I want us to be best friends and take it day by day until the time is perfect I think we both pushed hard at the wrong time we need to be patient and things will work themselves out when time is right but I do miss my best friend it's a different relationship from boyfriend. " Now here it is nearly August my home life has devolved back into what it was before. I can't get a read on the one I love. I am at a loss as to what I should do. I have steeled myself to get a divorce. Her best friend says she is still planning on divorcing but she has to pay off some bills so that it doesn't hurt her, but she will not discuss anything with me. She says I have to be patient. More info. We never had sex or were intimate in anyway. She constantly asks me how my home life is going. I usually respond alright even though it stinks. She will not discuss her marriage at all and gets mad if I ask also refuses to clue me in on her feelings for me.* There was a rumor we were having an affair while I was seperated from my wife and I know her husband found out in June. Also about the time she stopped telling me her feelings.* She also had surgery for cervical cancer in June.* I need perspective. I am confused as to what to do. Should I move on and just be the best friend I can be. Should I wait and see what happens? Why is she not telling me she cares?
Emme Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I think you should work on your divorce. No one can know what the future holds and if she's backing off give her the space. You are not divorcing your wife for her, you are leaving your marriage because you are not happy. I have some issues with your friend hopping from man to man. Are you the next man she's hopping to that might save her. You have to protect yourself and know if this is genuine. I know you care for each other as friends but are you ready to care for each other intimately. I see you taking a long vacation. Long. Your post just screams I need some me time. Sit by the ocean and just ogle a few women that pass your way. I don't see I'm ready to dive into a serious relationship. Take a breather. Friendships are hard when they end. I had an affair with a very dear friend, I no longer have that friendship. It's hard to lose someone that you care about. So know if you are willing to risk the friendship, fine. When she is single just try your best to state that no matter what you hope that the two of you will still be comfortable with each other if it doesn't work out. Should I wait and see what happens? Why is she not telling me she cares? You are ready to be divorced you have nothing but time. Wait if you wish but enjoy life. Time stops for no one. Do not take/ask anymore information about her from that friend. Let it be. No second hand information. She wants you to know something she'll tell you herself. If you know she cares for you there is no need to hear it.
2sunny Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 You're not into your M so divorce. Be on your own with no women for a long while. Figure out who you are. That would be a healthy choice for you - for growth.
Author coach86 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 When I wrote that it did sound worse than what it does in real life. Maybe it is that bad. Sexless marriages are common from my understanding. I am not saying that I have no fault in my marriage. Yes I have been an enabler for my wife. Once she had our child she didn't want to have sex anymore at first she would give in about every two or three months. But I really had to work hard at it. It got to the point that I wasn't willing to try that hard so I gave up. My best friend, mom, and brother have been trying to get me to leave for years. Yes it is quite common for teachers who make low thirties to work a second job in my neck of the woods. I have been there since college so I make near twenty dollars an hour and I get twenty to twenty five hours a weekend (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday) and they let me cut hours as needed. We bought a house that forces me to work like I do. When I divorce my credit may take a bad hit as it will be hard to adjust. She does not spend money I make, just doesn't help out as I wish she would. She does work part time about 25 hours a week. The fact she won't help out and pick up more hours and put her money into our bills causes me some anger. Which I bottle up. She wants me to quit coaching since it is very low return for the money I make, but it is my one passion in life. She hates football. *She is addicted to her meds that make her sleepy. She is very low energy. She also suffers from depression and spends a lot of time on Facebook and on the computer. That is why she does not do any housework. I think she is as depressed as me over the state of our marriage but neither have the know how or desire to fix it.* Now my faults. Within the last year my attitude toward her has changed. I have quit going to church. It was my faith that kept me doing what I was doing. Now I have no faith. I am physically and mentally exhausted. I come and go as I please and refuse to communicate with her. I have to stay away because I have so much anger toward her that I am afraid I might explode. I am short with her. My jobs keep me tied up to the point that I have little or no time to spend with her and I like it that way. I don't want to fight in front of our child and if I were around her we would fight all the time. I know I don't make my wife feel loved. I stopped trying last summer. A session with a MC was set up but she refused to go. I went and tried the techniques but she did not respond. She is emotionally shutoff from me and the rest of the world. Yes I know our relationship is super dysfunctional. The whole town knows it. The woman who is my friend has suggested that I get emotional/psychological help.
Recommended Posts