buddy211 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Hi, My gf and I are in a LDR and won't see each other for the next 7 months. She mentioned f**k buddies while we are separated, but I do not see how our relationship can continue if we do have fbs. Any advice on this?
cerridwen Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Even when both parties are fully committed to the idea, sleeping with others is a dicey proposition that can negatively impact the bond between primaries. You sound hesitant. I wouldn't recommend going forward. Did she suggest this because she's interested? Or because she thought you might be. 3
Author buddy211 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Even when both parties are fully committed to the idea, sleeping with others is a dicey proposition that can negatively impact the bond between primaries. You sound hesitant. I wouldn't recommend going forward. Did she suggest this because she's interested? Or because she thought you might be. Thank you for your reply. I am hesitant. We are planning to move in together in a year, and I want to marry this girl. I mentioned through text that no sex for 7 months will be hard, and she suggested a fbuddy. I do not want to have fbuddies, but 7 months is a long time. And I am sometimes unsure how she really feels because I do not feel the same effort to keep in contact from her.
TMichaels Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Thank you for your reply. I am hesitant. We are planning to move in together in a year, and I want to marry this girl. I mentioned through text that no sex for 7 months will be hard, and she suggested a fbuddy. I do not want to have fbuddies, but 7 months is a long time. And I am sometimes unsure how she really feels because I do not feel the same effort to keep in contact from her. I don't understand why the two of you wouldn't be *each other's* fbuddy. Sure, it's not the same thing as being together in the flesh, but it certainly is better than introducing a third and/or fourth person into your relationship which quite frankly, IMO is a very odd thing for your g/f to suggest unless you're not in an exclusive relationship to begin with. If you take the time to read past posts in this forum, you'll see that many couples in your situation make good use of Skype and the telephone and manage to deal with their physical needs just fine. And, they have done it successfully far longer than the short seven months you and your g/f will be apart. If the two of you have never "cyber-ed" then perhaps the novelty of it will also add a little zest to your relationship and give you both something to look forward to, experiment with and enjoy. All you need is a webcam, microphone and Skype or any other Instant Messenger program that supports one-on-one video chat. All that aside, the two of you need to talk about this whole thing. I sense you're confused and a bit hurt that she suggested the idea of fbuddies -- and I'm wondering whether she really meant what she said -- she just as easily could have been making a sarcastic comment because she was upset and/or angry about the length of your separation or something else that may have been bothering her. For both of your sakes and the sake of your relationship you need to get clarity. So, before doing anything, talk it all out. HTH, TMichaels 3
Author buddy211 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 If the two of you have never "cyber-ed" then perhaps the novelty of it will also add a little zest to your relationship and give you both something to look forward to, experiment with and enjoy. All you need is a webcam, microphone and Skype or any other Instant Messenger program that supports one-on-one video chat. All that aside, the two of you need to talk about this whole thing. I sense you're confused and a bit hurt that she suggested the idea of fbuddies -- and I'm wondering whether she really meant what she said -- she just as easily could have been making a sarcastic comment because she was upset and/or angry about the length of your separation or something else that may have been bothering her. For both of your sakes and the sake of your relationship you need to get clarity. So, before doing anything, talk it all out. HTH, TMichaels Thank u for the reply. We have cybered several times. We have talked about everything there is to talk about in LDR. We are in an exclusive relationship. I guess I am having trust issues & looking for the easy way out, now that I'm contemplating taking up her offer. I also thought it very weird for her to suggest fbuddy, because we've talked about open relationships, & decided to be exclusive. She said she suggested it so that I am not miserable while we are apart. She also said she was half kidding & half trying to help me out when she suggested it.. I told her if we have fbuddies, our relationship is done. She told me she wants to be together. Also I feel like I'm not getting enough attention. I dont want to seem overly needy, but I atleast want to text every 2-3hrs & so far her actions dont agree with that. I brought this up to her couple days ago & she says she will try to improve. Right now I just feel confused and not sure to handle this. Negative thoughts run through my mind when I don't hear from her & when her texts become lackluster. I might be reading into this too much & stressing myself out. It affects my daily life.
Trimmer Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I also thought it very weird for her to suggest fbuddy, because we've talked about open relationships, & decided to be exclusive. She said she suggested it so that I am not miserable while we are apart. She also said she was half kidding & half trying to help me out when she suggested it.. I told her if we have fbuddies, our relationship is done. She told me she wants to be together. Also I feel like I'm not getting enough attention. I dont want to seem overly needy, but I atleast want to text every 2-3hrs & so far her actions dont agree with that. I brought this up to her couple days ago & she says she will try to improve. Right now I just feel confused and not sure to handle this. Negative thoughts run through my mind when I don't hear from her & when her texts become lackluster. I might be reading into this too much & stressing myself out. It affects my daily life. In general I agree with you - I don't think f-buddies is a good idea for you. I'm a little concerned about your uncertainty in the relationship, though. There does seem to be some imbalance - she is the gf who can casually suggest having f-buddies as a half-joke, and you are the boyfriend who goes off on negative thoughts if you don't get a sufficiently attentive text at least every 2-3 hours. I must be old-fashioned, as you're both a bit extreme for me. Like you, I would be shocked at her f-buddy suggestion, as I don't have a place for that within a committed relationship. On the other hand, I came of age in a time when you went off to work and didn't see your partner until 10 hours later to share your day. Or I'd go on a business trip and have one phone call back home every day or two. Your need for that much attention does seem like it comes from a place of uncertainty, and indeed, you admit you are having trust issues... What does the following statement mean: I guess I am having trust issues & looking for the easy way out, now that I'm contemplating taking up her offer. Are you saying you might be looking for "the easy way out" of the relationship as a result of the uncertainty your trust issues are stirring up? Or did I misinterpret that?
madjac74 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Trust me...in an LDR people bring up the idea of being with other people to see how you will respond to the idea. She isn't sure you will be faithful so she offered you the easy way out to see if you would go for it. In retrospect, your uncertainty in her there could be the possibility that she already has one and is offering you the same thing to clear her conscience.
Author buddy211 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 I must be old-fashioned...I came of age in a time when you went off to work and didn't see your partner until 10 hours later to share your day. Or I'd go on a business trip and have one phone call back home every day or two. Your need for that much attention does seem like it comes from a place of uncertainty, and indeed, you admit you are having trust issues... What does the following statement mean:... Are you saying you might be looking for "the easy way out" of the relationship as a result of the uncertainty your trust issues are stirring up? Or did I misinterpret that? I want to keep in contact as much as possible, especially with a LDR. It's so easy to keep in contact via text, skype, etc, so it bothers me a bit when we do not talk. Yes, the easy way out would be to opt out of the relationship, which I do not want to do but it is in the back of my mind. The hard way would be to stick it out, and trust she is not sucking another dick, which comes from trust issues for me. Trust me...in an LDR people bring up the idea of being with other people to see how you will respond to the idea. She isn't sure you will be faithful so she offered you the easy way out to see if you would go for it. In retrospect, your uncertainty in her there could be the possibility that she already has one and is offering you the same thing to clear her conscience. This is a nice thought, and I hope it is true. I told her exactly how I felt about fbuddies, and how if we have one, our relationship is over. I went on about it how I thought it was stupid she even suggest something like that after everything we had talked about. So I am unsure how to approach this right now. I am thinking I need some time to figure things out before I can talk to her with a clear mind.
Author buddy211 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) I must be old-fashioned...I came of age in a time when you went off to work and didn't see your partner until 10 hours later to share your day. Or I'd go on a business trip and have one phone call back home every day or two. Are you saying you might be looking for "the easy way out" of the relationship as a result of the uncertainty your trust issues are stirring up? Or did I misinterpret that? I want to keep in contact as much as possible, especially with a LDR. It's so easy to keep in contact via text, skype, etc, so it bothers me a bit when we do not talk. Yes, the easy way out would be to opt out of the relationship, which I do not want to do but it is in the back of my mind. The hard way would be to stick it out, and trust she is not sucking another dick, which comes from trust issues for me. Trust me...in an LDR people bring up the idea of being with other people to see how you will respond to the idea. She isn't sure you will be faithful so she offered you the easy way out to see if you would go for it. In retrospect, your uncertainty in her there could be the possibility that she already has one and is offering you the same thing to clear her conscience. This is a nice thought, and I hope it is true. I told her exactly how I felt about fbuddies, and how if we have one, our relationship is over. I went on about it how I thought it was stupid she even suggest something like that after everything we had talked about. So I am unsure how to approach this right now. I am thinking I need some time to figure things out before I can talk to her with a clear mind. P.S. Excuse the multi-post. Did not see multi-quote function til now. Edited July 23, 2012 by buddy211
TMichaels Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) Yes, the easy way out would be to opt out of the relationship, which I do not want to do but it is in the back of my mind. The hard way would be to stick it out, and trust she is not sucking another dick, which comes from trust issues for me. Wow! Do you really have that little faith in your g/f and the strength of your relationship? If so, why in heck are you considering marrying this girl? I told her exactly how I felt about fbuddies, and how if we have one, our relationship is over. I went on about it how I thought it was stupid she even suggest something like that after everything we had talked about. So I am unsure how to approach this right now. Well, I doubt continuing to "read her the riot act" is going to help the situation. Sounds like you ripped her a new one over this, and if I were her I wouldn't exactly be happy about it. Why? Well, to be honest buddy211 *you* were the one that brought up the subject of how difficult it would be to go without sex for seven months while the two of you were apart. She's admitted she was kidding and trying to help you out when she suggested the idea of a fbuddy. You didn't get the joke, took her seriously, and then have continued to flog the issue and her to the point you're contemplating ditching the relationship so you won't have to be haunted of visions of her having sex with someone else. Don't you think that's a bit dramatic, irrational and totally over-the-top? To be honest, if *I* were your g/f, *I'd* be the one considering ending the relationship if that's how little credit or respect my b/f gave me about my morals, level of commitment to him, and my fidelity. If you're going to be so concerned about dicks, IMO you owe her an apology for being a big one about all this. All that aside, I really don't think this fbuddy thing is the real issue here. Why don't you trust your g/f? Why are you constantly questioning her commitment to you? Why are you so paranoid about whether your relationship is solid? Have you been cheated on in the past? Do you have an obsession with being able to control everything that goes on in your life? Do you feel inferior and/or can't believe someone like your g/f is attracted to you? What is it that's compelling you to think and react the way you are? Whatever it is *that's* the real problem you should be concerned about and you need to get to the bottom of the reason for it tout suite. Because to be totally honest with you, it gets really tiresome for a SO to have to constantly "prove" their love to another when there should be no reason for doubt. Someone else shouldn't be expected or required to shore up another's lack of self-confidence or sense of self-worth. The problem can't be fixed by anyone except by the person *with* the problem. At some point most people in a relationship with someone like that will throw in the towel because no matter what they do or try it's never enough. Would you like your g/f to end up doing that out of desperation? Because that's where this is headed if you don't nip it in the bud, now. So, quit running the silly and destructive tape in your head about your g/f sucking someone else's dick and get to the bottom of why you're thinking and acting the way you are. If you can't confront it or don't know where to start then see a professional to help you sort it out. There's no shame in doing so and will have a profound effect not only on the relationship you have with your g/f but also in other ways for the rest of your life. Up to you what you do of course, but at the very least quit punishing your g/f for your insecurities. To be perfectly frank, she doesn't deserve it and it's not her fault - it's yours. So man up, own it, deal with it and get it sorted out so you can move on. Best, TMichaels Edited July 23, 2012 by TMichaels
Author buddy211 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Wow! Do you really have that little faith in your g/f and the strength of your relationship? If so, why in heck are you considering marrying this girl? Well, I doubt continuing to "read her the riot act" is going to help the situation. Sounds like you ripped her a new one over this, and if I were her I wouldn't exactly be happy about it. Why? Well, to be honest buddy211 *you* were the one that brought up the subject of how difficult it would be to go without sex for seven months while the two of you were apart. She's admitted she was kidding and trying to help you out when she suggested the idea of a fbuddy. You didn't get the joke, took her seriously, and then have continued to flog the issue and her to the point you're contemplating ditching the relationship so you won't have to be haunted of visions of her having sex with someone else. Don't you think that's a bit dramatic, irrational and totally over-the-top? To be honest, if *I* were your g/f, *I'd* be the one considering ending the relationship if that's how little credit or respect my b/f gave me about my morals, level of commitment to him, and my fidelity. If you're going to be so concerned about dicks, IMO you owe her an apology for being a big one about all this. All that aside, I really don't think this fbuddy thing is the real issue here. Why don't you trust your g/f? Why are you constantly questioning her commitment to you? Why are you so paranoid about whether your relationship is solid? Have you been cheated on in the past? Do you have an obsession with being able to control everything that goes on in your life? Do you feel inferior and/or can't believe someone like your g/f is attracted to you? What is it that's compelling you to think and react the way you are? Whatever it is *that's* the real problem you should be concerned about and you need to get to the bottom of the reason for it tout suite. Because to be totally honest with you, it gets really tiresome for a SO to have to constantly "prove" their love to another when there should be no reason for doubt. Someone else shouldn't be expected or required to shore up another's lack of self-confidence or sense of self-worth. The problem can't be fixed by anyone except by the person *with* the problem. At some point most people in a relationship with someone like that will throw in the towel because no matter what they do or try it's never enough. Would you like your g/f to end up doing that out of desperation? Because that's where this is headed if you don't nip it in the bud, now. So, quit running the silly and destructive tape in your head about your g/f sucking someone else's dick and get to the bottom of why you're thinking and acting the way you are. If you can't confront it or don't know where to start then see a professional to help you sort it out. There's no shame in doing so and will have a profound effect not only on the relationship you have with your g/f but also in other ways for the rest of your life. Up to you what you do of course, but at the very least quit punishing your g/f for your insecurities. To be perfectly frank, she doesn't deserve it and it's not her fault - it's yours. So man up, own it, deal with it and get it sorted out so you can move on. Best, TMichaels Thank you, this was the "different perspective" and kick in the butt that I needed. You are right. I have been over-the-top with my actions and emotions, andmy own insecurities about trust started to surface. She doesn't deserved to be questioned about her morals and commitment. I owe her an apology. I will definitely seek professional help.
FitChick Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I doubt people whose spouses or partners are in the armed forces get FWBs when separated for many months. At least they usually don't let the other person know about it. Yet most manage to stay together. Sounds like your girlfriend wants to have fun.
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