sendme Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 as you can see by my title it is really a question logically but it is a question... ok... so here's the story, or at least the short version, I was with a man for nearly a decade, we relocated so I could go to postgraduate school... he was depressed and miserable and hated it here, so he moved... when he moved back home to be with his family I felt as though he "had left me" even though he was in his mind only leaving the place we live. I was heartbroken and devastated, but spent my holiday break from school with some very dear friends. I came back to school positive and upbeat, and decided that I didn't want to do long distance with some guy who left me, so we broke up and I started dating someone else. a month or so goes by and the ex starts calling me, we talk, over the winter break I go see him, the current boyfriend finds out we're talking but doesn't know I went to see the ex. At the time the current boyfriend finds out we're talking and he starts becoming an insecure controlling jerk. He insults me, puts me down... he's emotionally and physically abusive he uses sex as a weapon saying things like, "if you don't have sex with me right now I'll know your talking to your ex and break up with you..." the current boyfriend has even said things to me like, I know exactly how to control you, if I don't want you to leave the house I'll just make you feel so insecure you won't go out for a week. In the meantime the ex, is amazing and wonderful... he really loves me, he's walked beside me through all my struggles with the current boyfriend, the abuse, the sexual assault, every thing. he's truly demonstrated that he loves me... Anyway... the current boyfriend slept with several other women while I was away visiting the ex... the current boyfriend doesn't know that I was with the ex, but he suspected it which is how/why he justified his cheating. I was away with the ex for quite a while... and my anxiety level was lower, I missed sex with the current guy but NOTHING ELSE.... I was happy for the first time in a really long time... but couldn't stop thinking about sex with the current guy... So here's the thing, I realize that I really love the ex, and want to be with him, except the sex is terrible... the current boyfriend and I have mind blowing once in a lifetime amazing sex but he's so very cruel... last night we had a fight because I wanted to go to dinner with my girlfriends, he literally looked at me and said " well it's a good thing you're going, because I'll call so and so and sleep with her." I keep staying with the current guy because I don't want to be out at school alone, but I can't succeed in school while dealing with the current guy, but I'm obsessed with him, we try to break up and I can't handle it I pace the house and get all antsy and either he or I will go to the other person's house basically right away. If this keeps up I'll lose the ex, who I truly want a life with I love him and love his family and have no doubt that he loves me we could have a wonderful healthy loving life together, and yet I'm obsessed with a jerk who treats me terribly... I'm thinking of quitting school because as long as I am here I won't be able to stop with the current guy, but what I'm doing in school is my dream... and I don't want to give that up... so why am I obsessed with a guy who is terrible to me, and why can't I let go... I think its because he's the only person I know here.... someone please help me... how do I break the cycle to be healthy and happy and have the life I want with my ex?? I'm lying to both, I'm anxious and hate myself both for the lying but also for all the hateful things the current guy says to me, he calls me a whore and a liar, and a manipulator and a game player and he sees nothing good in me... my self esteem is already low and I can't help but believe that all the things the current guy says to me are true... I hate him and the he screams at me, pushes me around and treats me, but when we're having sex its like a freaking movie, amazing like nothing I've ever known.... The ex is stable and supportive, he loves me and accepts me flaws and all, he knows I spent the last year lying to him and being with someone else and he still wants me, he's willing to forgive me, he's from a wealthy and affluent family I would never have to worry about being provided for, he's handsome, he's my best friend. I love him he makes me laugh, we talk like I've never talked with anyone, he is my safe haven, I hug him or see him and all the world just settle into place and I know that everything will be okay.... just because he's by my side... ugggghhhh how terrible am I? who does this? who is torn between two men? one great and one abusive? Am I the only one whose ever been in this position?
KatZee Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 You have severe self esteem issues if the only reason you'd stay with someone so horrible is because you have good sex. Sex does NOT a relationship make. I'm not even sure how you can be so into the sex when he demeans you, abuses you verbally and emotionally, cheats on you... If someone were treating me THIS poorly I would have zero desire to sleep with him! I'm really not quite sure how you find this a tough call to make. Your current bf has no redeeming qualities besides his penis. You truly must not love yourself if you'd give up all that positive from your ex just to continue allowing your current to screw you, use you, play you, cheat on you, criticize you, abuse you... It's called communication. If the sex isn't great, TEACH HIM.
Author sendme Posted July 27, 2012 Author Posted July 27, 2012 wow... that was harsh but true... you're right I do have self esteem issues... although until now I don't know that I would've put it that way... so for all those of you without self-esteem issues, how do you do it... I mean if 98% of you would walk away from the guy who cheated what do you have that I don't and how do I get me some of that?
Tazzy Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Sendme---------I know where you are coming from. it's not that the sex is amazing (I told myself the same thing) it's that we make it "amazing" in our heads because that is the only time they are nice to us.
Author sendme Posted July 28, 2012 Author Posted July 28, 2012 Ooohh... Tazzy you may be on to something there.... sex is the only time he's not completely selfish and totally self absorbed, but I do have to say... ever since he cheated the sex has not been so amazing... I don't know if its that I'm separated a little emotionally after the sex, or if its that he's got something going on mentally, but he hasn't been able to climax, without stopping in the middle to masturbate, so that crazy animal sexual hold he's had on me is breaking... it kind of makes me feel like crap, knowing that he could get it off with all the women he cheated on me with, but he can't get it off with me, but I also kind of feel like its the one area he feels vulnerable and weak... we all known men are sensitive about their 'abilities' so his not being able to keep it hard is like the one chink in his narcissistic armor of perfection... I'd never use it against him or insult him with it... but it is sort of satisfying to watch him be embarrassed about it...
Woggle Posted July 28, 2012 Posted July 28, 2012 Maybe ask yourself why can only have this amazing sex with a man who abuses you. I think it might better to just be by yourself now and get into counseling.
Recommended Posts