kandrandr Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Hi All, I wont ramble as it is a long story so Ill give the quick version!! I am divorced with 2 children aged 8 and 10. I am with my partner for just over 7 years. We do not live together, not for lack of me bringing the subject up !! We spoke about liveing together 2 years ago and he was quite nervous as he felt it was a big jump from him living alone to having a family move in with him plus he was afraid if it didnt work out he would be the second man to leave the kids and he didnt want to upset them either or me!!....i suggested that we try some sleep overs as it would help him to see what it was like to have children in the house plus it would give my children a chance to see what it was like to live all together as I didnt want to just up route my kids and move in with him in one go!! we tried 2 sleepovers!!!! everyone got on great and enjoyed it. Mark is great when he is around the kids and they really like him. He says he loves me and Im the one for him etc...but he has still not asked us to move in and no mention of engagement or marrriage...people sometimes mess with him saying when are you gona make an honest woman out of karen etc... and he just laughs it off.... he said to me last year that the was ready to take the next step but unfortunatley his brothers marriage ended and he moved in with mark for a few months until he found a new place..I didnt want to bring the subject up after his brother moved out as it seemed a little harsh and I thought he would mention it him self but that was Christmas and its now July and not a word!!!!! Ok fair enough we took it slow due to the kids and not wanting to upset them and I wanted to be sure he was the right person to have around the kids for the rest of their lives and I am sure. Now im at the point where I dont want to bring it up as I feel like im pestering him into it but waht I cant understand is why he is waiting or what is he waiting for ??!! Or is he just afraid??? Im rambling now and i said i wouldnt!! Any insight would be great...thanks all....kk:o
Author kandrandr Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 oh and by the way we are both 39 in september this year!!!!! Also i did ask him before if he wanted children himself and he said "yes someday" .... I did have to remind him waht age we were!!!! ....
MissBee Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 He seems to be afraid of commitment. Lots of people are better with loose commitments, i.e. a relationship that doesn't include marriage, some would rather live together but not marry and your bf seems like one who is both terrified of marrying, living with you and taking on a family full time, 24/7. He feels how he feels and unless he wants to change those feelings, all you can do is decide if it will work for you or not. He is not unaware that you've been together 7 yrs, he's not unaware that you want to move in and get married. He simply avoids and delays because he's scared to do so, for whatever reason. Lots of people are scared of commitment. I'm working through that myself..but the point is, it has to be something that person chooses to acknowledge or work on. They can't be forced into it and chances are if he moves in/marries you without being ready and simply because he feels obligated, he'll resent you or feel claustrophobic and bail on the relationship. You should sit him down and talk to him about it and tell him you understand his fears and ask how you can ease them. Perhaps couple's counseling will help you two to get on the same page?
funlady Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I don't think he will give you the commitment you want. End of story. If you want more than what he has to offer now, you may need to move on. You cannot make anyone do anything they don't want to do. If you do they either resent you for it later or back out at some point. I used to work for this lady and her and her boyfriend even had a kid together but still he wouldn't move in with them because "it was too much of a commitment for him". It had been like that for over 5 years when I worked for her. She wasn't happy but didn't want to lose him, the kid was confused. At one point he told her he would let buy the other half of duplex he was living in so they would be closer but wouldn't let her move in with him.... What a loser.
Author kandrandr Posted August 5, 2012 Author Posted August 5, 2012 Thanks for two great replies!! Much appreciated.... I think I'll sit down and see where his fear is coming from and if I can help!! I certainly wOnt be pushing as I'd rather he come up with this himself... See how it goes
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