manc79 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 (edited) I have a problem that I hope somebody can help me with. I’ve been in a relationship for 6 years and we recently got married (april). I’ve always wanted to be with my wife simply because of the person that she is, she is a fantastic person. She is caring, hardworking and funny amongst many other positive traits and I can’t imagine being without her. But... there is something that has gnawed away at me for the past 5 years and that is her self confidence. My wife is quite attractive, slim (size 10-12) with an amazing hour glass figure and if she wanted to she could rock it on a night out. Trouble is she does and always has gone for a look that ages her, and I do mean ages her! She will always go for the conservative, the bland, and the boring. She DOESN’T DO FASHION...honestly she should have been born in the 1800’s when flashing your ankle was frowned upon. I have no intention of going anywhere, I've stayed with her because she is an awesome person and I love her. I just want my wife to wake up and realise that she is 34, attractive, desirable and sexy and to show it off when we go out occasionally. When your wife’s idea of dressing up is dressing like her 60 year old mother then you have some alarm bells ringing. What's really interesting is that her mother is exactly the same as her (maybe that's where she gets it) And there are striking parrallels with her dad and her mother and us, but her dad left her mother for someone else who 'does make the effort'. You do wonder. I think part of the problem is that her mother is the same, whereas her step mother is 50 and looks amazing everytime I see her. What’s more frustrating is that she has friends the same age and they really put the effort in to look good (even after kids), for themselves and no doubt for their husbands and I’m finding myself looking at them on nights out and thinking “why oh why does my wife not do the same”...even some of her friends compliment her on her figure and she pays no attention!!!! I’ve tried romance, I’ve tried compliments, hell I’ve even tried taking her shopping, we go round countless shops and I say she can have anything she wants..what does she get? Absolutely nothing!!! Another great example was that she recently graduated as a teacher (fantastic). On her graduation day she came downstairs in really drab bland, plain grey dress. i said "please tell me your not going in that" (I was in my best suit!), she said "what's wrong with it?...nobody is going to be going really smart". I said "of course they are, it's a graduation ceremony". She looked like she was going for a job interview in Tesco. When we got there all the woman, girls, mums, aunts etc were all dressed in there best like it was a wedding. Designer shoes, dresses, gowns etc...and my wife stuck out like a sore thumb, she really looked out of place. I was mortified, but she didn't care, and she didn't care that she was showing me up too.(sorry if sound selfish) I’m so frustrated and I don’t know what to do. I love my wife but I’m struggling to stay attracted to her when she has no interest herself, when everytime she dresses to go on a night out she ends up looking like my mother. And for those that are going to say love her for who she is..I do that’s why I married her, but I’m finding that she’s got worse since marriage and I need more than that. It’s getting harder to love her when I see she has no self confidence or perhaps just doesn’t care. Especially when her friends and woman of similar age around her are really showing their sexuality and confidence...it’s driving me away. We want our wives and girlfriends to look good, we want to be able to look across the room and still have our jaws drop, that’s just our nature, it doesn’t mean we’re shallow beasts. And I desperately want my jaw to drop just occasionally. Please don’t judge me harshly, I'm here to find advice, I'm not a bad person. I’m not after her dressing in killer heels and designer dresses everyday...just once in a blue moon and for her to ‘want’ to dress to impress. I just want her to start to see that she is attractive, that she can get away with looking sexy now and again, for her to have self-confidence in her appearance. Also because her lack of self-confidence has diminished even more since marriage I’m not finding myself as interested in sex either, I guess confidence is an aphrodisiac I want her to stop being her mother!!! Edited July 22, 2012 by manc79
Silly_Girl Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 The married women I know who dress to impress are cheating on their hubby's. Don't like the sound of your friends much! I know plenty of married women, same age as the OP's wife, who make the effort, look great, and like to date their husband. And no, that doesn't mean they're knocking off the next door neighbour. Manc - is there an issue with what you'd choose for her, given the option? Would she consider it slutty, for example? Is it a confidence issue? Perhaps she doesn't realise how great she can look. I have to say I didn't like your tone when you mentioned how you raised the graduation outfit with her. It sounds like you need to be telling her how much something ELSE flatters her as opposed to how much her choice looks dowdy or whatever. Can you buy her something classy that she'd like, something a little closer to her taste than yours as a precursor to buying something a little 'younger'?
KungFuJoe Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 You can't change people. If she was a certain way when you met her and it "gnawed" at you and you married her that's on YOU. Accept her for who she is or divorce her and find someone who you do accept. 4
SoMovinOn Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Why is this important to you? One possibility I see is your own ego. Does it bother you because you feel some need to be seen with an attractive woman? 2
whichwayisup Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Call her bestfriends and ask them to take her out shopping. Ask her to experiment with new and colourful clothes, to help get her out of her shell. This could be an insecurity, not feeling comfortable with her own body - Showing it off I mean, and also not wanting attention by others (to be looked at).. How does she take compliments overall? Is she shy that way? She is who she is, but there's no reason why she can't wear a more colourful dress once in a while, or even black! She can get comfortable wearing something different at home with you until she gets used to it. Gray is dull and draining, depressing on some level.
Author manc79 Posted July 23, 2012 Author Posted July 23, 2012 Thanks for the responses everyone. I think I need to clarify a few things though. Her friends are not slutty and don't dress like that, maybe they are trying to impress other than the hubby, maybe not..I don't really care about them, my point was simply that they are confident in themselves. The point I was trying to make is that she has absolutely no confidence, or even worse no interest in herself. As for the graduation incident, honestly I'm not cruel but this outfit was completely naff, she had a 20 dresses that were nicer but she choose the 'worst' one she had deliberately for a massive occasion, I had to say something this time, normally I just grit my teeth. Siloh 2011 you raise a possibility, I know she had a few relationships at uni that she refuses to talk about and then nothing for 6 years until I came along. Perhaps something very bad did happen. SoMovinOn you mentioned my ego, yes possibly to a small extent but as I said several times I married her for her not her closet, its just the confidence thing. I get enormous pleasure seeing her feeling confident, alas it pretty rare. Alice2012 I agree with most of what you said. I've no desire to see her dress like an 18 year old that would be wrong wrong wrong...I just want her see the attractive 34 year old that she is. As for her friends I know one friend of hers that will be dressing like an 18 turn 50 (I remember an outfit she wore to a casual BBQ once :eek: ) Whichwayisup I think you may have nailed several nails on the head. I think your right with everything you've said there. And I hadn't considered the notion of dressing to put off other guys deliberately as she doesn't take compliments well. What would be interesting is to organise a shopping trip for her birthday with her more fashion conscious friends and tell her friends to make sure she gets something nice. Many thanks everyone, and by all means keep them coming.
Negative Nancy Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 We want our wives and girlfriends to look good, we want to be able to look across the room and still have our jaws drop, that’s just our nature, it doesn’t mean we’re shallow beasts. Yes, it does. And I desperately want my jaw to drop just occasionally. Translation: I want my buddies and other men to be jealous of my arm candy because I'm an insecure shallow idiot that desperately needs external validation. 1
Star Gazer Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 The married women I know who dress to impress are cheating on their hubby's. This is ridiculous. I dress for myself first, and my man second. No one else. I want to look good for him. I want him to still have a naughty twinkle in his eye for me. I want him to be proud to have me on his arm. Is it too much for the OP to ask/desire that she do the same? No. But after 6 years, it's pretty much not gonna happen. You have to take people as they are, not how you want them to be.
Negative Nancy Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 My married friends are in their 40's and desperate to dress (and act) like their pre-teen and teen daughters. Maybe it's "that" age. I don't know, but it's rather pathetic. That's why I very rarely do "girl's night." Even the married men that are out in their ridiculous "Affliction" t-shirts. My God, these 40 and 50 year old wrinkled men look so ridiculous in them. In any case, these friends of the OP's won't tone it down once they hit my age. In fact, the "competition" with the younger set will get worse. If they're "really showing their sexuality" now as the OP states, it will only get worse later on. Nothing more pathetic than a wrinkled up lady in a get-up that belongs on a 25 year old. so true Why is this important to you? One possibility I see is your own ego. Does it bother you because you feel some need to be seen with an attractive woman? Exactly what I was getting at. Oh yeah, she's going to soooo appreciate that. C'mon. That is so insulting. What is the matter with you? Some woman don't need to chase the latest fashions. You've heard of becoming a slave to fashion, right? That's what these women must do in order to keep up. She doesn't want or need attention. She doesn't want or need to be looked at. She doesn't equate her worth with appearance. Leave your wife alone. And once again, be very careful what you wish for. Exactly, some women just don't want or need the attention of other men or need to seek it out constantly. That doesn't mean they dress like a slob, they can dress up too, but if a man ever told me how to dress or told me to dress more "sexy", it would cause a response of defiance in me. Actually, I've had it happen before and all it caused was resentment. If those men want women they can show off to their buddies in order to get praise and approval (which fits right in line with the mentality of and is on same maturity level as "40 year old men wearing affliction shirts" ), they should date one of those women right from the start. Maybe your woman thinks that you have "it in you" to make more money and show off more material stuff, so maybe it's time for you to finally start living up to YOUR potential as well?
noclass05 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 This is ridiculous. I dress for myself first, and my man second. No one else. I want to look good for him. I want him to still have a naughty twinkle in his eye for me. I want him to be proud to have me on his arm. Is it too much for the OP to ask/desire that she do the same? No. But after 6 years, it's pretty much not gonna happen. You have to take people as they are, not how you want them to be. This situation happened to me as well, so I can relate to the OP. I met my fiancé almost 11 years ago, and fell in love quickly. I'd always dated women that dressed like models previously, but this girl was different. She had dreadlocks, nose piercing, and dressed like a hippie. She was a mess, but she was beautiful. She eventually let her hair grow normal, and ditched the piercing, but would always dress dumpy. I'd been bugging her to look nice when we went out, but she never really tried. I started taking that as an insult to me. I'd dress nice for her, but she never did for me. My asking started to become insults and ugly looks at her. That wasn't fair to her, and became a problem. What changed everything was when I started complimenting her, and she could feel that I meant it. I'd tell her constantly how beautiful she is, and how much she still turns me on after all these years. We'd go shopping at Ross or Marshalls, and I'd pick out a dress and have her try it on. When she'd look amazing, I'd go gaga for her. She began to love my reaction! Little by little she's become my little beauty queen. I got her to wear high heels for the first time in her 31 years of life! Now she wants to look good for her man, and that's what the OP wants too. It is so sexy for the woman you love to want to look good for her man. Our sex life was always great, but now it's off the charts! We are like teens, but in our 30's! She has to want to do it though. Like the poster i quoted. If you force her, it'll backfire and make her feel worse. Tell her how beautiful she is. Treat her like a queen, and hopefully she'll dress the part! Btw, we are finally getting married this month!
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