Occu3.14'd Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Sorry this is so long, but I need to get it out there. About 8 months ago, I happened to reconnect with an old friend (purely by luck, and until a week or so ago, I'd almost call it fate or destiny). We met up for an afternoon, reminisced about the past, and then went on our own merry and separate ways. We talked periodically over the next two months, until one day she informed me that her boyfriend had just told her that he needed space and could no longer be in a relationship. They had spent 7 years together, and he dropped this on her literally one week before they were about to buy their new home. Of course I was there to listen. I spent the next month or so - and you'll appreciate the irony in this - trying to help her get over this breakup in any way I could. We would talk all the time, spend weekends doing activities - basically anything to show her that there was more to life than what she had just experienced. We became closer, and eventually she kissed me. I never made a move, because I did not want to make things awkward, and I was fully aware that her life had just been flipped upside down. Against my better judgment, I decided to take things a little at a time to see where things went. I told myself that I had no expectations, and that I would be cautiously optimistic given the circumstances. Well that basically went all out the window in a hurry. I fell for her hard. It has only been four or so months, but everything about them has been absolutely perfect. Now, before you think that four months is too short a period of time to fall like this - and believe me, I used to think the same way - it isn't. I think it's also relevant that ten years ago, we had kissed on a number of occasions, and spent quite a bit of time together until we gradually drifted apart. Of course, she popped into my mind every now and again over the past decade, but I never really put too much thought into it. I really feel like we picked up where we left off, only now as mature adults (We're in our early/mid-30's). It's not as if we were two random people who just met. Now, up until two weeks ago, I was literally the happiest I've ever been in my entire life. This woman was just amazing. She was intelligent, conservative, caring, and absolutely beautiful - both outside AND inside. I would find myself looking at her at times just thinking to myself "how could I be this lucky?" She was that amazing. The thing is, I've had plenty of other relationships in the past. I spent five years with a woman, only to realize that I never actually loved her. There were times when I thought I was in love - or should I say "hoped" I was in love. I kept telling myself that I should have been in love with this person or the other for a variety of reasons. But there always felt like there was something missing. Who am I'm fooling though, I know deep down that I've never actually been in love... Until now. I get it. I understand. I see what it actually feels like to truly and honestly find that special person. And to think, it only took me 30+ years to finally find this person. Every moment I was with her was amazing. Before her, I just assumed that I would eventually settle with someone, and then convince myself that this was as good as it gets. But now I know that I don't. It's an amazing feeling when you realize that this is "the one." Which is why the next part feels so absolutely, terribly, gut-wrenchingly awful... Two weeks ago, we met up for the afternoon. The moment I saw her I knew that something was seriously wrong. She was an absolute mess. She told me that she had been feeling anxiety and depression recently, and that it was getting worse and worse to the point where she felt like all she wanted to do was run away. She was very adamant that it had nothing to do with our relationship. Deep down, I knew our relationship was on life-support at that very moment, yet I told myself that it was no big deal, and that she was probably having a rough few days. Unfortunately, I found out almost immediately that this was in fact a big problem. She became very withdrawn and distant. Texts dropped to only a few a day. Instead of the old playful type, they were more meant to appease me, as it was obvious how worried I was for her and "us." She kept reiterating the fact that she felt very depressed and anxious, but could not identify the cause. After a week of agony (which I made sure to hide from her, so as to not make her any more anxious worrying about me, thereby exacerbating the problem), we got together to talk. Nothing was really resolved, and we left in limbo. She did, however, manage to make an appointment with a therapist. I was sick to my stomach, knowing full well that the first thing a therapist was going to tell her was that she should not be in a relationship. But at that point, there really were no other alternatives, and I wanted her to try anything to enact a change - for better or for worse. Sure enough, after her therapist visit, we got together to talk. She said that the session was extremely overwhelming and emotionally exhausting. But at the same time, it helped her, because she heard the things that she needed to hear - as difficult as some of them were. There was a moment of clarity that she hadn't experienced in a long, long time. She told me that before her session, the only good thing that she was sure of in her her life was our relationship. Unfortunately - and I'm sure you know where this is going - after some reflecting, she realized that our relationship wasn't going to solve any of her problems either. Almost as if she had an epiphany, she came to terms with the fact that she herself was the problem. How so? Simple. She couldn't even come up with a response when asked who she was. Not in an employment or characteristic sense, but who "she" was. What she realized was that she had been catering to everyone else's feelings for as long as she could remember. She was a codependent in every possible way. And if she was unhappy with herself, how could she be happy with anyone else? I asked more about it. She said that I was the most wonderful thing to ever happen to her, and that she really and truly loved me, but that she needed to fix herself before she could even begin to think about anyone else. I exited the car knowing full well that there was a good chance we would never speak again. I also know that this girl is the most important and wonderful thing to ever happen to me. And that's why this is so difficult. There's no other man. There was no cheating. It's not as if she doesn't love me. Literally, everything was there and perfect. There were no bad times. There is no other feeling like this. I feel so helpless, because I know there is nothing I can do. We haven't had any contact at all since our discussion. I know there won't be any mind games. This just seems so matter-of-fact, and it's breaking my heart. I can't even be mad at her. Really, she did nothing wrong. I totally understand her perspective, and I can't hold it against her. My mind can see why this had to happen, but my heart can't seem to agree. I can also recognize that this would have happened sooner or later. She could only fake her happiness for so long before it got the best of her. I take a tiny amount of comfort in the fact that we could've gone on for months or years before this happened, at which point the stakes would have been so much higher. It feels as if I had the winning million dollar lottery ticket, yet lost it before cashing it in. Thanks for listening.
Author Occu3.14'd Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 It has also been a week of NC. And each day, that little glimmer of hope that everything will work itself out seems to fade away more and more. This is killing me. This all happened so suddenly. I fantasize that in 6 months, or even a year, she will have figured things out, and we will continue on as the happy couple we once were. But then reality kicks in, and just want to run away. The problem is, there's nowhere to run. It also scares the hell out of me that in a year, what if I'm just a distant memory in a bad part of her life. What if this was all a lie? I've never had my heart broken. Until now. And this is awful. I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I want to see her so bad.
Dblock10 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 you put yourself in this situation and i understand you fell for her. very tough. there is as you say, nothing you can do apart from being her friend.. but if i were you i wouldn't as you want more. id recommend maybe leaving it, but obviously leaving the door open, she knows where you are if she needs you or ever wants to reconcile etc. its bad timing, and tbh she may look back on it and think oh wow that really was a huge mistake, rebound, i am glad I sorted myself out and didn't hurt occu3 anymore than i may have already. truth is, you nor i nor anyone knows the future.. you just have to live and carry on. you can't wait around with hope in your head that in a year she might want this that or the other,... i did and it didn't work in my favour.
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