M30USA Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Now that I've been separated for close to 6 months, I've had a chance to reflect on my marriage and why it's been so problematic. We were trying to merge together two puzzle pieces that just weren't able to fit. I understand men and women, as it is, are very different, but I really had the odds stacked against me to begin with. 1) We met online and, even though we had the "big picture" things in common, we were actually lacking the daily/routine compatability. 2) We lived in different parts of the country. I, of course, had to move to where she lived. This immediately created an imbalance in the "in law" area. I was forced to constantly be around her family and assimilate into their world, while my family and identity was virtually abandoned. 3) We are from different cultures. Gosh, did I ever underestimate the effects this one would have. You aren't just talking about us as individuals, but we are the result of generation after generation of habits, personalities, and views on how life should be. Her family values wealth, houses, and job status; my family values intellectual thought, music/arts, and contentment regardless of financial status. 4) She had premarital sex with 2 or 3 men. I was a virgin. Even though I had a problem with porn, I was still a physical virgin. Even though I didn't like to admit it, I was being compared to her past experiences. 5) I enjoy minimalism and hate filling my time with excess things which don't directly help me achieve my life goals. Her family spends much of their time renovating houses, changing flooring/paint just for the sake of having a new look, etc. This drives me crazy because I feel like she was the one who always dictated what we would do. I tended to just be content and take things as they come. Now that we are separated, I absolutely love doing things like fishing and playing guitar--things which I rarely had chance to do when we were together. 6) We had completely opposite sleep/wake schedules. I am required to get up for my job at 4:30 to 5:00am. She would go to sleep at night around midnight, thus keeping me up. I would only get 4 to 5 hours sleep routinely, while she would sleep an additional 4 hours after I woke up. I felt constantly sleep deprived. 7) She has a high sex drive. So do I, but unfortunately I developed an inflammatory nerve condition in my pelvis which affected my ability to perform all the time. We could have sex but sometimes when my pain was acting up, it put a damper on things. This clearly caused problems. 8) She wanted 5 children. I only want 2. She would rage and rage about this. I told her that I felt uneasy about bringing another child into the world when our marriage was so rocky and unstable. 9) Her style of arguing/fighting is very volotile and explosive. She even enaged in physical confrontations. My style is more logical. I like to come to reasonable agreements/compromises instead of getting all bent out of shape. This clearly didn't work with her. I learned, unfortunately, that in order to make a point with her or get her to see my perspective, I had to spazz out and get emotional like her. I didn't like what it was turning me into. But if I didn't do this, she would get even more angry. So damn frustrating. 10) Any time I wanted to visit my family/friends (across the country) she would get all controlling. Instead of just allowing me time with them, since I only got it once per year, she would try to pull me away from them even while I was visiting them. She would make me take her to the mall, movies, etc, instead of spending all the time with them. Keep in mind, it was only once per year for 7 days! I never saw them in between, even though I had to see her family all the time! If she lived across the country from her family and only say them once per year, I would gladly do EVERYTHING she wanted and make sure she got maximum time and happiness with them. I guess that was the difference between me and her. So there it is. Maybe my marriage was doomed from the start.
Recommended Posts