Do you think that in most relationships people are not really "in love"?

[RiverRunning]

I think my first time around with ex-turned-boyfriend-again was a mix of "This is as good as it gets." Our relationship had stagnated because of earlier problems in the relationship and because he especially seemed reluctant to move forward. Resentment started to build and after a while I felt like we were two people occupying the same space but never getting anywhere. I was afraid of being alone and I figured that because I was overweight, I'd never again be able to meet anybody else.

 

I had flashbacks to my relationship with my first ex-boyfriend (I guess the only ex I have now), who was very critical of me, rude to me, etc. Because he was insecure about himself (he wasn't very smart, very attractive...the disparities in intelligence between the two of us were glaringly obvious), he figured that he could make barbs about my weight. And to be fair, he was right - I basically just stuck my head in the sand like a helpless little animal.

 

I was fat and unhappy in my second relationship and figured that if I left, I'd likely just meet another verbally abusive jerk. Or - best case scenario - I'd just end up single.

 

The reality was actually different. I dated online and I met a LOT of jerks online during the time I was single. However, the few guys I went out on dates with were really nice. One told me he wasn't interested after we met the first time - and that was fine, because we really, upon meeting, didn't mesh that well. The few other guys I went out on dates with seemed to be genuinely wonderful people.

 

Having that single time helped me to get a more balanced view of my attractiveness (being an overweight woman, the #1 message you get is along the lines of, "You're ugly, unworthy, unattractive, and you should thank God men will even stand within two feet of you.").

 

After some things were resolved with my boyfriend, that sense of desperation had evaporated. I no longer felt like "I'm here because I have to be." I went back because I really enjoyed myself with him, we meshed well, etc.

 

And that brings me to an important point: there are two kinds of settling. One is the nasty one people always think of. The other is just recognizing that nobody is perfect. There are still times when I get furious with my boyfriend or sometimes I sit and think, "Why does he do (whatever)? I wish he would (blank)." But the truth is...it's going to be that way with everybody I date. None of his problems are dealbreakers, so I'm fine with that.

[FitChick]

ES, next time someone says, "It's a shame you haven't found anyone", just lie through your teeth and smile, "Yeah, but I'm having a lot of fun looking!" They will probably envy you because, just as single people fantasize about marriage, married people fantasize about being single. Everybody's got GIGS.

 

The French have figured out a way to have both social acceptance and passion -- after they marry, they take a lover.

Edited July 22, 2012 by FitChick