Do you think that in most relationships people are not really "in love"?

[Eternal Sunshine]

IMO, as people age, the way they 'feel' ages as well. Life experience, lessons therefrom and a whole myriad of stimulus change and grow how people feel. Hence, what 'feels' like 'in love' in one's 20's is different from how one 'feels' when 'in love in one's 70's. The changes in feeling don't invalidate the perspective, rather appearing as signposts of living.

 

As polar examples, where one could only feel 'in love' embroiled in the drama of their 20's, that same person could feel equally 'in love' in the relative peace and contentment of their 70's. It's a different (to an outsider) kind of love, but can 'feel' as elemental to the person in either dynamic.

 

Along those lines, I suggest the OP as her parents about this nuance. My bet is they could offer marked perspective.

 

Carhill, I apologize in advance for being blunt. I am familiar with most of your story and this is my impression relating to your personal history:

 

The woman that you were "friends" with for years and that you had strong feelings for, the one you wrote about in your journals, you were in love with.

 

You eventually married your ex wife and you "settled". She doesn't sound like a great person but from your side, you never sounded like you were "in love".

 

I guess that's how I make the distinction between the two.

[oaks]

I'd say it was a statistical certainty, given the number of relationships that start and end without the "in love" thing happening.

 

I suspect I misunderstood the question.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I know exactly how you feel. I avoid talking to old friends who I don't see much because they always ask me about dating, and I always disappoint them by having nothing to tell. And than the pity starts. I'd rather be in a relationship, but I'm not miserable being single so their pity is kind of offensive. We're not broken or somehow damaged because we're single!

 

I don't want a mediocre relationship either, but I wouldn't consider one that started without infatuation necessarily mediocre.

 

I'm not an advocate for settling for less than you can endure, although in a sense we all settle in the end because no one is perfect. You just have to decide what you will compromise on, and if it's the right person it won't feel like settling.

 

Yes, exactly

 

The first question anyone asks me is always: "So have you met anyone?" and when I say no, it's always "Oh, sorry to hear that".

 

Yet, I feel like if I said "I never would be in a relationship you are in" it would be considered rude and offensive.

[Sanman]

Personally, I would trade being single to be with someone I enjoyed having sex with, who I liked and respected as a person, and who was kind and provided stability and security. That would be enough to make me love someone. I don't need an infatuation stage. My worst relationship had the most intense infatuation stage, and it ended up being an incredibly damaging relationship that I regret.

 

I think relationships are more complex than than you present ES. I agree that there are those relationships where people are just together because of social pressure. You want someone and try to make it work despite the fact that there is little to enjoy about the other. I think that there are also passionate people who need such passion to drive their relationship. I have had passionate relationships and, frankly, all of mine have ended in a flaming wreck. This time, I took the approach Iris laid out above. My gf is someone I respect and admire. She is one of very few people I trust and whose character is beyond reproach... the type to be loyal and dedicated in a relationship. She also makes me laugh and we are often on the same page with regard to how we like to live our lives and spend out time. She is, rather than all my more passionate relationships, a lot more like one of my best friends. I find these traits more important in the long-term and am much happier in my current relationship. I think it is up to you as a person to figure out what you need to be happy in a relationship. For me, the people I am passionate about dating are not the type people I could ever see myself with in the long-term. It is their lack of stability and impetuous nature that draws me to them, as I am one that needs stability and security in my life and I admire those who do not and are different from myself. However, while having such experiences is great for the short term, that same impetuousness becomes a road block when trying to build something serious.

 

In other words, I had to choose between spontaneous sex at the beach and crazy adventures or a partner I could count on to provide stability and security in a long-term relationship. So far, I am liking the latter.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Sanman,

 

My problem is that I want BOTH. I want that passion + the character traits you describe. I am not convinced that they are mutually exclusive. I know that it's incredibly hard to find though. I had one or the other before, and I was pretty unhappy in both scenarios.

[Sanman]

Sanman,

 

My problem is that I want BOTH. I want that passion + the character traits you describe. I am not convinced that they are mutually exclusive. I know that it's incredibly hard to find though. I had one or the other before, and I was pretty unhappy in both scenarios.

 

 

You may find someone with both, but in the end I find most people are not like that. If you are the type to truly hop a plane in the moment, you probably are not checking to make sure that you have enough to go on that trip in your bank account after paying bills. This would happen to an ex of mine. I would come over and she would decide to treat me and a couple of friends to drinks and small plates at an expensive lounge or we would take off on an adventure. Only two weeks later, the fun was over and she was freaking out asking to borrow $1000 from me because rent was due and she spent all her money. Except, I was down on cash too due to all the running around. My current gf is too anxious to take off on a trip without planning, but she is never short of money and knows when to cut back on the fun. I have yet to find the perfect balance. I simply realized that I prefer to be the 'fun passionate one' in my current relationship as opposed to the 'responsible one' in previous relationships. You need to be the complement to your partner.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Ha - I am probably the fun, passionate one rather than the responsible one. I guess that means that I need a "responsible" partner.

 

I was speaking more of a strong physical attraction in terms of passion, rather than having that impulsive/passionate personality.

[Woggle]

I don't know but I don't think accepting the fact that fantasies are not real means a person is settling. Having high standards is good but I advise people to deal with what actually exists rather than what is only in movies.

[carhill]

Considering the near 18 year separation between the two dynamics, a lot of life change occurred and plenty of opportunity for 'falling in love' existed, and happened, with another three LTR's before getting M. 'Falling in love' changed from the drama of the 20's to a different place in the 30's to a different place in the 40's, and that evolution continues today.

 

The key, IMO, is reflecting upon those experiences and learning from them, both about the feelings themselves as well as how they relate to healthy relationship dynamics.

 

TBH, if I hadn't been in love with my exW, I would've dumped her/divorced upon the first negative comment she made about my mother. I might have shot her too, but that would be illegal. So, perhaps for you, it seems another person's experience is not being in love, but they see the dynamic completely differently. That was the basis of my original comments in this thread.

[jobaba]

By this, I mean at least one person is not. From my observation, most couples are kind of compatible, have enough to talk about, like being around each other, sex is OK....and that's enough for a serious relationship or even marriage.

 

I am not sure if my observation is skewed, but most people seem terrified of being single or ending up alone, so they take what they can get.

 

Everybody has a different definition of love. Especially it ranges between cultures.

 

I've never even seen my parents kiss. Ever.

 

But they have a rock solid relationship that is built on responsibility, trust, and friendship.

 

Most of the couples I know who are married (and have kids) are pretty happy.

 

You want the storybook? Keep looking. But don't think everybody's life is (or should be) the same.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Carhill, I am sorry if I jumped to conclusions in your case. I admit that I don't know enough about your marriage to make that statement and on reflection I shouldn't have.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Everybody has a different definition of love. Especially it ranges between cultures.

 

I've never even seen my parents kiss. Ever.

 

But they have a rock solid relationship that is built on responsibility, trust, and friendship.

 

Most of the couples I know who are married (and have kids) are pretty happy.

 

You want the storybook? Keep looking. But don't think everybody's life is (or should be) the same.

 

My parents were crazy in love and married young. They were not the most compatible of people and do have their ups and downs. They are still married 30 years later. I guess I want what they have, even with all the negatives.

[ThaWholigan]

People's emotional cycle is different, as is what they respond to and how they find love. So everyone's definition of love and how they find it will be different from each other.

 

For me, I don't really quite know what I want, but I'm comfortable knowing this.

 

Some people need passionate relationships to feel in love, but to their detriment, every relationship goes through a calm before another storm, so to speak. Other people value loyalty, or dependability and other such things.

[Star Gazer]

I actually thought of you when I read this the other day, ES: The Wrong Reason to Get Married

 

Unfortunately, I think your mindset is stuck in the "third category."

[Eternal Sunshine]

People's emotional cycle is different, as is what they respond to and how they find love. So everyone's definition of love and how they find it will be different from each other.

 

For me, I don't really quite know what I want, but I'm comfortable knowing this.

 

Some people need passionate relationships to feel in love, but to their detriment, every relationship goes through a calm before another storm, so to speak. Other people value loyalty, or dependability and other such things.

 

I think I just need to stay true to myself and find a relationship that makes *me* happy.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I actually thought of you when I read this the other day, ES: The Wrong Reason to Get Married

 

Unfortunately, I think your mindset is stuck in the "third category."

 

I think this describes what my last relationship was like. I was done with being single and just wanted to get married to be "socially acceptable". I ignored all the flags just to get to that "goal". Ultimately, this dynamic made me very unhappy.

 

I guess in this thread I am saying the opposite - that I am prepared to stay single and wait for the right person, even at the risk of never getting married.

[iris219]

I actually thought of you when I read this the other day, ES: The Wrong Reason to Get Married

 

Unfortunately, I think your mindset is stuck in the "third category."

 

ES seems to fit in the second category, which I have a lot of respect for. Someone in the second category will likely make better decisions because they don't feel a sense of desperation.

 

I'm in the third category.

[ThaWholigan]

I think I just need to stay true to myself and find a relationship that makes *me* happy.

Exactly. And at the same time, you know that your happiness is in a tandem with the happiness of your partner .

[StrangeBehaviors]

I think this describes what my last relationship was like. I was done with being single and just wanted to get married to be "socially acceptable". I ignored all the flags just to get to that "goal". Ultimately, this dynamic made me very unhappy.

 

I guess in this thread I am saying the opposite - that I am prepared to stay single and wait for the right person, even at the risk of never getting married.

 

Awww....Your mind makes me want to protect you. The picture (if you) makes me want to grab you and.....

 

Yeah, I said it.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Awww....Your mind makes me want to protect you. The picture (if you) makes me want to grab you and.....

 

Yeah, I said it.

 

Is this Eric?

[Sanman]

Ha - I am probably the fun, passionate one rather than the responsible one. I guess that means that I need a "responsible" partner.

 

I was speaking more of a strong physical attraction in terms of passion, rather than having that impulsive/passionate personality.

 

 

Maybe you need the 'responsible one' and maybe you don't. Some people don't see saving money/making a retirement nest egg and having typical middle class trappings as their goal. No judgement here.

 

As for a strong physical attraction, I don't think you can necessarily separate the two. A person who is uncomfortable and not confident will not attract you the same way as a person who is. An impulsive, dare I say more fun, person may be more physically attractive due to what he represents. That said, there are two sides to pure physical attraction too. With that comes jealousy if that person really is very good looking and loves attention. With the women I have dated, the 'pretty/hot ones' do love the attention. The 'cute ones' tend to be a bit more reassuring and comfortable in a relationship. Generally, though the difference is in personality. The 'cute one' can often be the ''hot one' with more expensive clothes, trip to a higher end salon, etc. It is a choice that a person makes to be that flashy/showy or more plain/average. I have seen plain girls that got dolled up for a wedding and blew the normally 'pretty' girls out of the water. Granted, this is not a movie and taking off paint covered overalls will not make them all hotties.

[Star Gazer]

ES seems to fit in the second category, which I have a lot of respect for. Someone in the second category will likely make better decisions because they don't feel a sense of desperation.

 

I'm in the third category.

 

She might be there now (and I hope she is), but she wasn't in her last relationship or anytime before that. But sometimes it takes that crap, unhappy relationship like the one she was in to nudge someone to that second category.

[Eternal Sunshine]

She might be there now (and I hope she is), but she wasn't in her last relationship or anytime before that. But sometimes it takes that crap, unhappy relationship like the one she was in to nudge someone to that second category.

 

Ha - people actually thought that I ignored my ex being an a-hole at times because I was in love. In reality, I ignored it because I thought he would marry me.

[Star Gazer]

Ha - people actually thought that I ignored my ex being an a-hole at times because I was in love. In reality, I ignored it because I thought he would marry me.

 

Nope, I knew that, the whole time. You had an end goal, and that end goal wasn't to find real love. You were concerned about whether or not he loved you, not because you loved him or wanted real love, but because if he didn't love you, he'd be less likely to marry you.

[StrangeBehaviors]

Is this Eric?

 

No. Not aware of an Eric story either.