Do you think that in most relationships people are not really "in love"?

[Eternal Sunshine]

By this, I mean at least one person is not. From my observation, most couples are kind of compatible, have enough to talk about, like being around each other, sex is OK....and that's enough for a serious relationship or even marriage.

 

I am not sure if my observation is skewed, but most people seem terrified of being single or ending up alone, so they take what they can get.

[Els]

I think 'most' is a bit of an overestimation, but I'm sure 'some' are as you describe.

[StrangeBehaviors]

By this, I mean at least one person is not. From my observation, most couples are kind of compatible, have enough to talk about, like being around each other, sex is OK....and that's enough for a serious relationship or even marriage.

 

I am not sure if my observation is skewed, but most people seem terrified of being single or ending up alone, so they take what they can get.

 

I agree with you. Most people have what I call nothing more than a "Band-Aid on Loneliness."

 

Divorce rates for the U.S. teeter around 50%. That's from the people that actually get married. Those that have committed to a lifelong bond fail half the time. And of those 50%, how many of them are actually in love and happy? Maybe....maybe....20%?

 

The actual relationship-fail (Non Married) percentage has got to be way more than that. If time is the measurement and lifelong marriage is the Gold Medal, then in actuality, probably 95% of relationships are failures.

 

Feel better or worse?

[carhill]

From my observations, 'in love' is transient but more like an ebb and flow rather than a light switch. Those observations are of long term marriages where I know or become aware of one or both spouse's 'stuff'. I believe that people have different propensities for and styles of being in love so compatibility and synergy come into play. What works for one couple fails for another, etc, etc.

 

Since there are billions of relationships on the planet, 'most' is not something I could offer opinion on.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I agree with you. Most people have what I call nothing more than a "Band-Aid on Loneliness."

 

Divorce rates for the U.S. teeter around 50%. That's from the people that actually get married. Those that have committed to a lifelong bond fail half the time. And of those 50%, how many of them are actually in love and happy? Maybe....maybe....20%?

 

The actual relationship-fail (Non Married) percentage has got to be way more than that. If time is the measurement and lifelong marriage is the Gold Medal, then in actuality, probably 95% of relationships are failures.

 

Feel better or worse?

 

Well, I refuse to have a "band-aid for loneliness" relationship and I hate that I am judged for being single. It's like people think there is something wrong with me. In reality, I feel sorry for all the people in those relationships

 

Speaking in %, out of 10 LTR couples that I know reasonably well, I would say that only 2 are really "in love".

 

I have also observed that among younger couples (early 20's), there seems to be higher % of those "in love". It seems there is more pressure for people to pair up as they get older and their standards drop considerably.

[iris219]

By this, I mean at least one person is not. From my observation, most couples are kind of compatible, have enough to talk about, like being around each other, sex is OK....and that's enough for a serious relationship or even marriage.

 

I am not sure if my observation is skewed, but most people seem terrified of being single or ending up alone, so they take what they can get.

 

The bolded sounds like the definition of a good, strong relationship. I think more relationships need to be like that!

 

People have different definitions of love, and there isn't one correct definition. Not everyone defines it as "OMG, I'm so in love, my tummy feels all funny!" Or maybe those couples you mention do feel that way or maybe they don't need/want to feel that way. Who knows? It's hard for someone on the outside to tell much about a couple's emotional life together.

 

I see the opposite a lot: People who have little common and don't really like each are infatuated with one another so they remain in a tumultuous relationship.

[ascendotum]

For those who found their love when young (say under 28) I say majority were definitely in love at the time. For those who find a partner mid 30s on I say yes to your observation, going on my observations.

 

For those who are single for anything more then 6 mths when they are late 20s on, I tend to agree with you as well on 'most people seem terrified of being single or ending up alone, so they take what they can get.' The single people after that age generally don't go on stacks of dates I find. Most people hate dating and want to be in a cozy relationship asap. Of course there are those that will have STRs/FWBs while still looking for their ideal, or those who hold out and wont compromise because they feel they deserve a great partner to make up for being single for so long, or those who drop out for a few years and focus on career\travel after a few bad experiences and so on. The women I know in their 30s who are happy living the SATC life are generally divorcees & single mothers, with only a couple being the career women doing 'STRs while still looking for their ideal', but then I suspect they want those STR guys to become LTR men.

[Eternal Sunshine]

From my observations, 'in love' is transient but more like an ebb and flow rather than a light switch. Those observations are of long term marriages where I know or become aware of one or both spouse's 'stuff'. I believe that people have different propensities for and styles of being in love so compatibility and synergy come into play. What works for one couple fails for another, etc, etc.

 

Since there are billions of relationships on the planet, 'most' is not something I could offer opinion on.

 

You can still infer some conclusions from a reasonable sample size. You don't have to observe every couple on the planet

[StrangeBehaviors]

Well, I refuse to have a "band-aid for loneliness" relationship and I hate that I am judged for being single. It's like people think there is something wrong with me. In reality, I feel sorry for all the people in those relationships

 

Speaking in %, out of 10 LTR couples that I know reasonably well, I would say that only 2 are really "in love".

 

I have also observed that among younger couples (early 20's), there seems to be higher % of those "in love". It seems there is more pressure for people to pair up as they get older and their standards drop considerably.

 

Your last couple of sentences seem very contradictory?

[Eternal Sunshine]

For those who found their love when young (say under 28) I say majority were definitely in love at the time. For those who find a partner mid 30s on I say yes to your observation, going on my observations.

 

For those who are single for anything more then 6 mths when they are late 20s on, I tend to agree with you as well on 'most people seem terrified of being single or ending up alone, so they take what they can get.' The single people after that age generally don't go on stacks of dates I find. Most people hate dating and want to be in a cozy relationship asap. Of course there are those that will have STRs/FWBs while still looking for their ideal, or those who hold out and wont compromise because they feel they deserve a great partner to make up for being single for so long, or those who drop out for a few years and focus on career\travel after a few bad experiences and so on. The women I know in their 30s who are happy living the SATC life are generally divorcees & single mothers, with only a couple being the career women doing 'STRs while still looking for their ideal', but then I suspect they want those STR guys to become LTR men.

 

I agree with the bolded

[Eternal Sunshine]

Your last couple of sentences seem very contradictory?

 

Contradictory how? I don't see it.

[StrangeBehaviors]

Contradictory how? I don't see it.

 

Re-read. Understood.

 

Stay true to yourself. So many people are willing to live a lie for their own selfish reasons rather than doing what's tough for the higher reward.

[iris219]

Well, I refuse to have a "band-aid for loneliness" relationship and I hate that I am judged for being single. It's like people think there is something wrong with me. In reality, I feel sorry for all the people in those relationships

 

Speaking in %, out of 10 LTR couples that I know reasonably well, I would say that only 2 are really "in love".

I have also observed that among younger couples (early 20's), there seems to be higher % of those "in love". It seems there is more pressure for people to pair up as they get older and their standards drop considerably.

 

Let’s say this is accurate. Are the other 8 happy? I would venture to guess they are content. I have a feeling they wouldn’t trade their mediocre relationship for the single life.

 

I know couples like this as well. Not madly in love, but content. I know they are more satisfied with their lives than I am.

[StrangeBehaviors]

Let’s say this is accurate. Are the other 8 happy? I would venture to guess they are content. I have a feeling they wouldn’t trade their mediocre relationship for the single life.

 

I know couples like this as well. Not madly in love, but content. I know they are more satisfied with their lives than I am.

 

The ones I've seen, I don't think they are more satisfied.

 

But that can be a case by case basis. One person would rather be alone and looking for love than be "content" and not in love.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Re-read. Understood.

 

Stay true to yourself. So many people are willing to live a lie for their own selfish reasons rather than doing what's tough for the higher reward.

 

I wish more people would hold out for the real thing. Then being single would be more socially acceptable and divorce rates would also drop...

 

I am just pissed that people don't hold back from making comments "Oh, you are still single" and such - when I would never be in a relationship they have.

[carhill]

IMO, as people age, the way they 'feel' ages as well. Life experience, lessons therefrom and a whole myriad of stimulus change and grow how people feel. Hence, what 'feels' like 'in love' in one's 20's is different from how one 'feels' when 'in love in one's 70's. The changes in feeling don't invalidate the perspective, rather appearing as signposts of living.

 

As polar examples, where one could only feel 'in love' embroiled in the drama of their 20's, that same person could feel equally 'in love' in the relative peace and contentment of their 70's. It's a different (to an outsider) kind of love, but can 'feel' as elemental to the person in either dynamic.

 

Along those lines, I suggest the OP as her parents about this nuance. My bet is they could offer marked perspective.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Let’s say this is accurate. Are the other 8 happy? I would venture to guess they are content. I have a feeling they wouldn’t trade their mediocre relationship for the single life.

 

I know couples like this as well. Not madly in love, but content. I know they are more satisfied with their lives than I am.

 

I am sure they wouldn't trade it for being single; otherwise they would just be single. However, I would never trade my singleness for what they have.

 

My issue is that what they have is considered "normal" and being single is considered "not".

[StrangeBehaviors]

I wish more people would hold out for the real thing. Then being single would be more socially acceptable and divorce rates would also drop...

 

I am just pissed that people don't hold back from making comments "Oh, you are still single" and such - when I would never be in a relationship they have.

 

You should start telling them that when they say it to you.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Just to clarify: I am not talking about an infatuation stage that lasts for ever or even for a long time. I am talking about couples that NEVER had the infatuation stage.

[StrangeBehaviors]

Just to clarify: I am not talking about an infatuation stage that lasts for ever or even for a long time. I am talking about couples that NEVER had the infatuation stage.

 

I know exactly what you mean. I've had a relationship without the infatuation. And again, it was nothing more than a "Band-Aid on Loneliness" for a little while.

 

So glad neither of us just said "This is alright. Let's just keep doing this."

[carhill]

If lack of 'infatuation' matches up with their relationship styles, then they could/can feel 'in love' and those synergistic feelings can work for them. For someone who needs infatuation to 'fall in love', then other. It won't work for that person. Each person is different.

[iris219]

I am sure they wouldn't trade it for being single; otherwise they would just be single. However, I would never trade my singleness for what they have.

 

My issue is that what they have is considered "normal" and being single is considered "not".

 

I agree that being single is something people pity whereas being in a comfortable, but not understanding relationship doesn't garner sympathy.

 

Personally, I would trade being single to be with someone I enjoyed having sex with, who I liked and respected as a person, and who was kind and provided stability and security. That would be enough to make me love someone. I don't need an infatuation stage. My worst relationship had the most intense infatuation stage, and it ended up being an incredibly damaging relationship that I regret.

[threebyfate]

Keep saying this over and over again, so one more time...don't fear loss or settle.

[Eternal Sunshine]

iris, fair enough.

 

I am different in the sense that I was in a mediocre relationship and I felt like my soul was dying every day. Yet externally, everyone was like "Oh well done! We were starting to think that there is something wrong with you!"

 

Now that I am single, I am far happier than I was then. Yet people pity me and constantly give me advice on how to find a man and how my clock is ticking It got to the point where I avoid even going out.

[iris219]

iris, fair enough.

 

I am different in the sense that I was in a mediocre relationship and I felt like my soul was dying every day. Yet externally, everyone was like "Oh well done! We were starting to think that there is something wrong with you!"

 

Now that I am single, I am far happier than I was then. Yet people pity me and constantly give me advice on how to find a man and how my clock is ticking It got to the point where I avoid even going out.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I avoid talking to old friends who I don't see much because they always ask me about dating, and I always disappoint them by having nothing to tell. And than the pity starts. I'd rather be in a relationship, but I'm not miserable being single so their pity is kind of offensive. We're not broken or somehow damaged because we're single!

 

I don't want a mediocre relationship either, but I wouldn't consider one that started without infatuation necessarily mediocre.

 

I'm not an advocate for settling for less than you can endure, although in a sense we all settle in the end because no one is perfect. You just have to decide what you will compromise on, and if it's the right person it won't feel like settling.