Ghisop Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Well some of you know me on here. I have been very positive about my ldr over the year. But it ended a little over ago. It's very sad but I simply decided I didn't want to give up my life to move to him. I did start to pull alway a bit and he ended it. We ended on good terms. I do miss him but he would rather us not talk for a bit. I have been trying to move on and find someone local Then yesterday he called me and told me he missed me. Not sure what to do with that - I would love for us to be friends but wondering if that's a good idea.
Author Ghisop Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 Wow that's pretty harsh for no reason whatsoever. I think the point of the question is to try not to be selfish and do the right thing. I have not contacted him. He ended things said he didn't want contact then called me. I would rather have constructive advise if anyone has it. Not interested in nasty posts on an ADVISE board. Thanks anyway al 2
pettie Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Perhaps one year is too soon to decide about uprooting and moving to him? I don't know - you seem to still care for him (and viceversa), and it appears that the dealbreaker is just the fact of not knowing how to take things forward. Is there any other option to be together? perhaps not permanently, but say, increasing the frequency of visits? going to study to his city/country? him coming to you? If there is no other way and you think it's not worth it, then yes, I think it's better to go NC - at least for a while. Best wishes. 2
Author Ghisop Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 You hit the nail on the head. It's our jobs that separated us. He is in the military so he can't move. We had talked about him getting out and coming to me- but I fear he would resent me if that happened. I recently got out of the military and have a great job. The reason I got out was to be closer to my family and stop moving. So it seems like I met the perfect guy just at a bad point in both our lives.
TMichaels Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 (edited) You hit the nail on the head. It's our jobs that separated us. He is in the military so he can't move. We had talked about him getting out and coming to me- but I fear he would resent me if that happened. I recently got out of the military and have a great job. The reason I got out was to be closer to my family and stop moving. So it seems like I met the perfect guy just at a bad point in both our lives. Do both of you have a "Sell By" date stamped on your foreheads or something? I guess I don't understand what's the big rush. If indeed you feel like you met the perfect guy who must have had more than a passing interest in you, then what's the problem? If two people want the same thing, they'll find a way to make it happen, even if for various reasons if can't happen RIGHT NOW. As far as responding to him... You really need to do some more soul-searching and ask yourself can you honestly "be just friends" with him? Why do you say "I'd just love to do that?" What role do you really want to play in this guy's life? And, are you sure that's what he wants -- to be "just friends?" Somehow I doubt that's why he contacted you. Most likely he's regretted making the decision to end things and is trying to find out if you may feel the same. In my experience however, "being friends" with someone with whom you've been more, rarely works out so if that's the conclusion you (or he) comes to about what you want out of this relationship, I wouldn't go there. But, if you truly believe this guy "is the one" and he feels the same, then the two of you need to figure out a way to make the LDR work until such time your current circumstances change and you can end the LD part. Best, TMichaels Edited July 22, 2012 by TMichaels 3
HeavenOrHell Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I'm sorry Ghisop I know how hard it is if neither of you can move, and there many valid reasons why people are unable to move. It's easy for others who aren't in that exact situation to call it selfish, or that you don't love each other enough etc etc, but it's not quite that simple is it Some people are lucky enough to have flexibility when it comes to moving, but we can only go with what our individual circumstances are. Is there no end in sight, moving wise? I mean, any chance of hanging in there if you're right for each other? For me there isn't an end in sight, but we're carrying on for now at least, until it's no longer working. You will miss each other for a while, but that doesn't mean you should be together. I would have space before starting over as friends. Take good care Well some of you know me on here. I have been very positive about my ldr over the year. But it ended a little over ago. It's very sad but I simply decided I didn't want to give up my life to move to him. I did start to pull alway a bit and he ended it. We ended on good terms. I do miss him but he would rather us not talk for a bit. I have been trying to move on and find someone local Then yesterday he called me and told me he missed me. Not sure what to do with that - I would love for us to be friends but wondering if that's a good idea.
Author Ghisop Posted July 24, 2012 Author Posted July 24, 2012 Hey heaven! Thanks - I think you get how I feel. I really can't see an end. My job requires a license and I am licensed in a state he would never move to. Plus - if I were to switch my license he may move in a few year since e is in the military. When he ended it he said he didn't want to live his life hoping for heat could happen and miss out on things that would happen. And it hurt to hear that- but I understand and respect it. I have to- and I do want him to be happy and have a ton of friends and enjoy life, it just sucks that I'm not a part of that. I wish I could up and move, but I love being near my family and my job. So maybe I am selfish. I just worry that I will regret this someday. He hasn't reached out again and I doubt he will. I know it's really hard on him as well so I want to respect his wishes
LDR234 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 I have a military bf too. I live in a state that he will probably move to in a few years, so we are going to wait and see...3 more years. I said I would move with him after his term is done in this state, but I don't know if I will become too attached to my job here. I love my job here. Who knows, I might be in your same exact situation in a few years. keep me posted. Sorry I can't help, just know that there is someone out there just like you. 1
justwhoiam Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I simply decided I didn't want to give up my life to move to him. When you start getting that rational, love was not strong enough. Rationality must play a role, sure, especially in a LDR, because you need to watch out, you get vibes and signals... but you decided. Therefore, for as strong as it was, it was not as strong as other things you considered. yesterday he called me and told me he missed me. Not sure what to do with that - I would love for us to be friends but wondering if that's a good idea. Are you ready to be friends with him? Because if you are, your gf feelings were not very strong. If they were, it would take you a while to let them go away... and even then attraction may still be there. So, he misses you, but he won't leave his job. You are both unsure about one another. One year in all is not much to make permanent decisions that will affect your future. I think you already have the answer. Ask yourself if you love him deep or the feeling faded away. If you're in the former case, ask him if he would leave his job and move somewhere else. If you just miss him out of habit, let him know and move on. About being friends. It can only work if BOTH of you are not attracted to one another anymore. If he is, it will be complicated and NC is the best way to go. But just tell him before you do. Tell him why. Good luck.
HeavenOrHell Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I disagree, you can love someone deeply and want to be with them, and still think rationally about what to do. Love doesn't automatically mean rationality goes out of the window, and that you will/can give up the rest of your life, ie your job, friends, family, whatever it is that prevents people from moving. It's quite often the whirlwind romances where people rush into making big decisions like moving, when they're still in the honeymoon phase, which fall flat on their face, I've seen that happen a few times in this forum for example. In some case love isn't strong enough, but this isn't the case for every couple which can't move. When you start getting that rational, love was not strong enough. Rationality must play a role, sure, especially in a LDR, because you need to watch out, you get vibes and signals... but you decided. Therefore, for as strong as it was, it was not as strong as other things you considered. Are you ready to be friends with him? Because if you are, your gf feelings were not very strong. If they were, it would take you a while to let them go away... and even then attraction may still be there. So, he misses you, but he won't leave his job. You are both unsure about one another. One year in all is not much to make permanent decisions that will affect your future. I think you already have the answer. Ask yourself if you love him deep or the feeling faded away. If you're in the former case, ask him if he would leave his job and move somewhere else. If you just miss him out of habit, let him know and move on. About being friends. It can only work if BOTH of you are not attracted to one another anymore. If he is, it will be complicated and NC is the best way to go. But just tell him before you do. Tell him why. Good luck.
justwhoiam Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 I disagree, you can love someone deeply and want to be with them, and still think rationally about what to do.I've never said you can't think rationally. I just pointed out that IF someone decides to call it quits after some thinking, rationality had the upper hand. That's a fact. Love doesn't automatically mean rationality goes out of the window, and that you will/can give up the rest of your life, ie your job, friends, family, whatever it is that prevents people from moving.Again, if love is strong enough, you will give it a chance and you stand the test. If you don't stand the test, love was not strong enough. Enough said.
Author Ghisop Posted July 29, 2012 Author Posted July 29, 2012 Ldr- good to know someone is in the same boat. I was living with him when I got out of the military and moved for work. Of course when he moved to the other side of the country I was all about following in a year. That was because I was lonely here. I had been in an ldr before and i knew that it ended and it was my fault for not building a life for myself. I swore I wouldn't do that. So six months go by and this place starts to feel like home. Im close to family and work is amazing. I never started to love him less - and I still completely love him. I'm scared that I will regret not just packing and moving. Last night I actually dialed his number in my sleep- like no kidding. I have no memory of calling him but I had a text from him worried about me this morning for calling and not speaking. I feel like an idiot, but I think it is that I just miss him a lot both consciously and subconsciously. So I don't know if I agree that because I got rational about it means I didn't love him as much. I don't think I would be struggling with it as much if that were the case. I just think that circumstances sometimes don't work. Ldr- just a side note- it can work! You need to go into these three years thinking possitively. Three years is a long time but if you are ment to be together forever it's nothing. If you ever need to vent or chat I'm here for you!
HeavenOrHell Posted July 29, 2012 Posted July 29, 2012 Love can't always conquer everything, sometimes career or your kids (for example) have to come first, there are plenty of circumstances where is it wouldn't be possible to give your career up, ie what would be the point of giving a career that you love up if you know that you'll be miserable or broke if you give it up, you might have trained years to be able to do that job, you might have the choice between leaving your family to be with your partner, and giving up either of those things is heartbreaking. There are so many different circumstances for different people that it can never be as simple/easy for one person to move as it might be for another. If I ever feel I can move to my partner's country or he can move to mine it will be because we've thought rationally about it, not rushed into it and know it's the best thing for both of us. I've never said you can't think rationally. I just pointed out that IF someone decides to call it quits after some thinking, rationality had the upper hand. That's a fact. Again, if love is strong enough, you will give it a chance and you stand the test. If you don't stand the test, love was not strong enough. Enough said.
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