don't think i can let go

[ScienceGal]

she did say she wanted to be single right now at this point in her life. and if our paths crossed in the future but she doesn't want to make plans incase they dont work out and then she cant be to blame :S

i needed this. it makes total sense. i feel so stupid worthless or something yet i know i'm good smart and attractive :S

 

She is immature and being an emotional leech because of it. No one knows what the future holds, but you cannot stick around and just "be there" for her as a friend. You won't move on, and she'll never have reason to miss you, so she'll keep messing with you to suit her own neediness. You're going to be fine, really. But you need let her go.

 

Good luck.

[Dblock10]

She is immature and being an emotional leech because of it. No one knows what the future holds, but you cannot stick around and just "be there" for her as a friend. You won't move on, and she'll never have reason to miss you, so she'll keep messing with you to suit her own neediness. You're going to be fine, really. But you need let her go.

 

Good luck.

 

thats right sg. so you suggest to do this nc delete from fb, basically wipe her from my life?

 

i stuck around unofficially before, not because she asked me but because i knew she would be back and all that.

 

mike, sounds interesting i may have to buy it. you have it?

[ScienceGal]

thats right sg. so you suggest to do this nc delete from fb, basically wipe her from my life?

 

i stuck around unofficially before, not because she asked me but because i knew she would be back and all that.

 

mike, sounds interesting i may have to buy it. you have it?

 

Yes I am completely suggesting that, just as I did a year ago.

 

She came back and said she still doesn't want to be with you. There is no mystery or wonder, just the cold hard truth. A lot of people on here don't ever get that and are still wondering what their ex is thinking. You stuck around and got closure. It sucks, but it's also a relief to at least know.

[Mike_d]

mike, sounds interesting i may have to buy it. you have it?

 

I do, that book and the workbook, and a book by John Bradshaw called "Healing the Shame that Binds you" (cough..cough..torrent...pdf...cough) and I struggle with the woo-woo stuff, but as noted if you are in enough pain as I am then I find that I'll swallow some pride and try to get in touch with a higher power, deal with family of origin stuff, and move the f*ck forward like I want to. If that is what it takes then that is what I am willing to do. I hate where I am at, it is all my fault for allowing it (not a beating of myself but a truth that I accept in order to help me move on), and I will not continue to live like this, now or in the future. It is a choice, and I make the choice to become better out of this horrible portion of my life. But I can't really move forward if I don't understand the core issues of myself that no longer serve me, and if I don't have the tools to help me help myself. These 2 books have helped a bunch. Highly recommended.

 

The other thing that I am doing is getting into some PUA stuff to help me just relax in social situations, and more importantly learn how to deal with rejection - which is a huge/major component with many of us in here - the sting of rejection that we can't accept that causes us to sit where we do. As noted in another post earlier today, I think women are the most awesome thing, and the interaction between the sexes can be magical. But I've been out of the game for 16 plus years, and I'm a good bit older than most here, so I have a lot of catching up to do. I've allowed my confidence to disappear, I'm hesitant in social situations, and neither of those are acceptable for me. I don't buy into all that PUA brings, I pick and choose what works for me, and ignore the rest. I'm not after getting laid by a different woman each night, no notches on my belt. I am after what I noted above, and a lot of the PUA stuff helps me keep my head right. No woman will be attracted by a guy who is clearly struggling, and I am not that guy - but I can always up my game so when that perfect woman crosses my path I will be ready to engage her emotions in a positive fashion, without my fear of rejection playing any part, and be responsible for creating that magical moment, do my part

[Dblock10]

Yes I am completely suggesting that, just as I did a year ago.

 

She came back and said she still doesn't want to be with you. There is no mystery or wonder, just the cold hard truth. A lot of people on here don't ever get that and are still wondering what their ex is thinking. You stuck around and got closure. It sucks, but it's also a relief to at least know.

 

yeah this is true and what you said before about whether i respond or not will have zero effect i think is right, as she was away the first time and i know she slept with a couple of men. and i had communication with her throughout the whole trip, once a month or so.

 

at that time it was me making all the initiation of contact. then i stopped and a month and a half later she asks how i am. another month and a half went by and she was back, maybe she realised she was soon to be back and thought **** i better start talking to him more.

 

 

the deleting off fb thing though, thats a tough one. as i say there isnt bad blood between us, only if i let there be, for example if i allow all to look at everything said and done in a bad light would that give me enough anger to delete her without saying a word.

 

your right, i got closure.

 

 

mike - sounds heavy, but ill prob give the first suggestion a read, i am pretty good with the ladies when i want to be. but i am glad you are getting better, PUA stuff im not keen on myself but what ever helps i suppose! i guess little techniques wouldnt go a miss

[Mike_d]

Interesting to watch you negotiate with yourself to stay in place, victim or martyr?

 

curious as to what you think it will take for you to want to go full NC and actually begin to move on?

[Ruby65]

Interesting to watch you negotiate with yourself to stay in place, victim or martyr?

 

curious as to what you think it will take for you to want to go full NC and actually begin to move on?

 

I know, right???

 

WHAT'S it going to take?!

 

The suspense is killing me....

[Dblock10]

well i moved on before and wasn't on the forum for ages. but then the newly found romance didnt last and i met up with this ex.. and so hope was reinstated.

 

but this time i know there is no hope but that doesnt mean i want to del her and pretend nothing ever happened. in the future when im totally indifferent it would be nice to still be able to talk to her and not have to go through the whole block del, re add situation. who knows. :S i know her ex before me deleted her when he saw she was with me, then he re added her the next day

 

once you burn your bridges its harder to rebuild them.

 

i do want to move on and am open to meeting someone new of course. and maybe when i do or if i do then again it would be more mature to still have her as a friend.

 

its difficult.

 

maybe what it would take would be to know she has a new bf, as that would be a real blow- is her coming back and not wanting me enough to warrant deleting her from my fb/life

Edited August 7, 2012 by Dblock10

[Mike_d]

ok, I'll go martyr, you seem to be batting 1.000, a straight 10 out of 10:

 

1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation.

 

2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way.

 

3. Martyrs are people who let others know how unfairly they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.

 

4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This "setting up" is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy.

 

5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it.

 

6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering, nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing and verbally putting down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them.

 

7. Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable, habituated or submissive to the situation and believe a change would be worse for them and for the others in their lives.

 

8. Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypical and habitual. They rarely change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to them. Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help and are more apt to get out of the situation.

 

9. Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves, since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that there is no possibility of change.

 

10. Martyrs are "professional" help seekers. They make the rounds of paid and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants--anyone willing to listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the assistance, advice or direction they are given. This frequently results in their "helpers" giving up on them in frustration and discouragement.

 

 

[Dblock10]

ok, I'll go martyr, you seem to be batting 1.000, a straight 10 out of 10:

 

1. Martyrs are people who recognize they are being taken advantage of and choose to remain in the situation.

 

2. Martyrs are those who recognize that their rights are ignored and abused but choose to remain in the situation and continue to be treated this way.

 

3. Martyrs are people who let others know how unfairly they are being treated but choose to remain in this unfair position.

 

4. Martyrs often knowingly continue to enable or set up situations in which their rights are violated or ignored. This "setting up" is like a prediction or prophecy of failure into which, consciously or unconsciously, the martyrs play, fulfilling the prophecy.

 

5. Martyrs often seek sympathy for their plight. They seek support, advice and help from others. Yet they seem stuck in their current course of action and seem to be unable to resolve it.

 

6. Martyrs frequently let the people whom they feel are taking advantage of them know how badly they are being treated. Martyrs often resort to badgering, nagging, scolding, threatening, belittling, antagonizing and verbally putting down those whom they perceive to be taking advantage of them.

 

7. Martyrs often believe it is their obligation to remain in their position in life. They would feel guilty if they let go of the current situation. They fear taking the risk to change the situation. They are apparently comfortable, habituated or submissive to the situation and believe a change would be worse for them and for the others in their lives.

 

8. Martyrs have a story line which is stereotypical and habitual. They rarely change their tales of woe. One can meet them several years later and find them still suffering from the fate they were experiencing when you last talked to them. Victims experience their plight temporarily, get help and are more apt to get out of the situation.

 

9. Martyrs often mask their behavior with an aura of willingness and desire for behavioral change in their lives. Usually they are only fooling themselves, since the others in their lives can see by their behavior and attitude that there is no possibility of change.

 

10. Martyrs are "professional" help seekers. They make the rounds of paid and volunteer helpers, advice givers, counselors, consultants--anyone willing to listen to their tale of woe. Unfortunately, they usually ignore the assistance, advice or direction they are given. This frequently results in their "helpers" giving up on them in frustration and discouragement.

 

 

 

 

yeah i can relate to 2, 5, 7, 8, 10

 

very interesting. this would indicate that i should follow advice and do something to change the situation. i know things will change as soon as i am back at university and have a busy lifestyle.

[Mike_d]

reread 1,3,4,6 and 9 you must have skipped over them

 

seriously, I'm not piling on. I'm not hoping for you to fail, there is nothing to be gained in that. But you need to wake the f*ck up and really get brutally honest with yourself about your actions. If you want to continue to martyr then do it but don't try to put lipstick on that pig and call it something that it isn't. Your posts reek of self fulfilling outcomes, you are miserable because you want to be, and you won't make the change because of fear. That's ok if that is *really* what you want.

 

you are already procrastinating in this last post:

 

i know things will change as soon as i am back at university and have a busy lifestyle.

things can change right now, but you don't want them to. given your pattern you'll find a way to keep things the same while at school too.

 

get off your pity pot. seriously - given the reality of the situation, what do you want?

[Dblock10]

reread 1,3,4,6 and 9 you must have skipped over them

 

seriously, I'm not piling on. I'm not hoping for you to fail, there is nothing to be gained in that. But you need to wake the f*ck up and really get brutally honest with yourself about your actions. If you want to continue to martyr then do it but don't try to put lipstick on that pig and call it something that it isn't. Your posts reek of self fulfilling outcomes, you are miserable because you want to be, and you won't make the change because of fear. That's ok if that is *really* what you want.

 

you are already procrastinating in this last post:

 

things can change right now, but you don't want them to. given your pattern you'll find a way to keep things the same while at school too.

 

get off your pity pot. seriously - given the reality of the situation, what do you want?

 

i dont know i think i'm massively confused now. i guess i am not happy with the situation and i wish it was different (with her) but its not so yeah i do need to let it go. thats what it comes down to, letting go. placing less or no importance on this any longer. she or it is not worth it

[Mike_d]

i wish it was different (with her)

 

you have zero control over that, none, bupkiss, zilch, nada. this isn't disneyland, wishing does NOT make it so.

 

let's try again: given the reality of the situation, what do you want?

[Dblock10]

well what i want i have no control over. so theoretically there is nothing i can say. it just is

 

actually thats a lie. i want to be happy and not have to worry about what she is up to. i want to do well in life, and i want to have a gf that is beautiful and really into me. thats what i want

[Sameold]

It's pure obsession dude, it sounds like what you had was fun and not even all that seriousness and yet for you even one year later you are totally obsessed. She is in another country sucking off other guys, she doesn't care that much about you mate. What is annoying is that you know this and yet you hang on, almost like you are in some immediate post break up phase contemplating your every move.

 

It feels like for you hanging on and pretending is better than moving on which is a real shame for you. You don't seem to be able to accept NC as you clutch at straws thinking that for some reason keeping her on your fb will mean you are connected emotionally. She would probably be concerned for your mental health if she really knew what was going through your head as for her I don't think this means anything anymore whatsoever.

 

Your just happy to sit in obsession mode and do nothing about it, not only wont you go NC but you wont tell her how you feel and let her once and for all cut you down to size. You have to stop this mate.

[Mike_d]

(ignore all the other negotiating stuff).... i want to be happy and not have to worry about what she is up to. i want to do well in life, and i want to have a gf that is beautiful and really into me. thats what i want

 

ok. so...

 

1) what are you willing to do to get there?

2) how badly do you want this?

3) if you can't have this because you are not willing to do the work, then what?

 

you have 2, and only 2, choices. you can do the work in #1 based on motivation level in #2, or you can do #3. there is nothing else. nothing. If you flail and sabotage #1 then you end up with #3.

Edited August 7, 2012 by Mike_d

[Dblock10]

i havent spoke to her in over a month, i didnt reply to her last message she has since msg me twice. its been 6 days since she last msg me. she told me she had feelings when we met, invited me to stay with her then left again. you cant blame me for having hope reinstated. i told her how i felt in person, she knew id like to be with her again or for us to have something.

 

yeah she probably doesnt care that much, and she wont think about it like i do, she is just being friendly. so i should be polite back.

 

yeah i agree that keeping her on my fb somehow will mean something, but removing her would be meaning something to. if i was going to del her i should have done it a year ago when we broke up.

 

 

im exhausted thinking about this now.

[Mike_d]

you already know what you need to do

 

so... deleting her off of fb, what is the worst that is going to happen? she's not going to date you anymore? And being polite to her? that's getting you what exactly? some sense of connection? So she knows how you feel, how'd that work out for you? So better that you don't delete her now since you should have done it a year ago, and doing it now just wouldn't make sense.... Interesting rationale, not very healthy at all, but interesting

 

but you are still avoiding the question above and your message is chock full of continuing self sabotage.

 

so, what are you willing to do? my read so far given your avoidance is nothing

Edited August 7, 2012 by Mike_d

[The Date Dr]

Hi DBlock10,

 

I'm sorry to hear this, but hopefully I can give you some words of encouragement. I too have been here before and the pain is excruciating when you lose a love to say the least. But in situations like this, the only way to get over, is to get through. Occupy your mind with things you like to do or have always wanted to do. Go out with friends, mingle with other women. Do not give yourself time to sit and dwell on the fact she's gone, It's torture, and something you have accept in order for you to move on and be happy.

 

I know it's tough to get over someone you love. And occupying your mind with something other than your ex seems IMPOSSIBLE but all I can ask of you is to try. Im sure your a great guy, and you deserve happiness and have something to offer a great woman what no other man does because there is only 1 you. Get out there and find her! If you stay down too long she may pass you by. And hey... your ex may come back to you.

 

I hope I have helped in some way

Stay up my friend

[Dblock10]

avoiding what question?

 

the worst would be i never speak or hear from her again. yeah polite is just that, sure a sense of connection, its not like i'll ever bump into her. even our time zones are different.

 

how did it work out for me about how she knows how i feel, well it didn't other than to meet and sleep together.

 

so the options are, nc and delete of fb.

 

or do nothing.

[Mike_d]

I'll check back in when it looks like you are ready to go, right now my approach isn't helpful to you and I'm not here to add pain, my intent was to try to light a fire under you given that I lived 8 years of *exactly* what you are describing - I lost 8 freaking years of my life, so I know where you are. I'm probably dealing with crap on my end due to what I read on yours and it is coming thru the keyboard and is not helpful to you. I apologize if somehow my approach is taken as anything but supportive, I can reread some of my stuff and see that I've come off the track a bit, apologies, it was well intended and potentially poorly executed given your current state

[Samilia]

samil, yeah it sucks. fact i waited and we hooked up only for her to go again. re fed some hope. i'm not depressed, just hate how it didnt work out how i hoped for.

 

sameold im 26, yeah well maybe not such a stop gap but i blanked out that she would be leaving. i hoped we stay together and that didnt happen. i kinda feel responsible that we didn't but ultimately she must not have wanted to stay with me. when we met up she even confirmed it was for the best and wouldn't have wanted it ruining her time away..

 

yeah i know mate. so much time or more so much thought and emotional power. thats fine dude it did mean a lot more emotionally to me than say to her. i had been unhappy since my first ex screwed me over i thought id never find i nice girl again and then she came into my life and i felt so happy.

 

things can and probably will be much harder when? in life or with this situation?

well i dont want to re write old history but if you look at some of my very early posts your'll see that i felt guilt about bu for a long time due to how it went down.

 

i used to suffer from ocd and i wonder if that has something to do with this.

 

ive been honest with her, she knows i have feelings and she knows i didnt want her to go again, she knows all that. i told her outright and she basically told me its been over a year and she is happy being single..

 

i dont want to have my testicles shrivel up and her tell me how hard she got nailed or what ever. of course not. how do u suggest i tell her how it is then? thanks man, i believe in you to

 

When I say depressed it's just an example. Lonely, depressed, begging, crying, etc.. you got the idea. It's just not appealing.

 

Don't contact her, next time she is the one to initiate contact simply tell her that it's not a good idea to stay in contact with each other and.. that's it. No need to give an explanation, if she has two grammes of brain power, she'll understand why.

[Sameold]

So you really think the worst thing that would happen is not to hear from her again? Isn't it worse to just live in limbo?

 

You even realise you are in different time zones...there is no future here not only through feelings but also logistically. Like I have said please stop obsessing and making this the biggest things in your life or you will waste so much time. You are a similar age to me. Today I decided to go to my workmates hometown and have a beer with him after work. We were sat at the bar and the two hot 19 year old barmaids came over and started chatting....you need to start doing similar things. You should be at your peak but instead you are letting this obsession ruin your life.

 

Two real options:

 

1) Live life, be honest with your feelings and draw a line either by telling her and then going complete NC if she doesnt want you.

 

2) Go NC anyway, explain why you're doing it in a message if needs be.

 

Option 3 isn't what you wantL

 

3) DBlock sits on his keyboard every night on Loveshack thinking about this one girl who he dated for 8 months for some fun. He is obsessed with her, watching her profile on fb and praying pictures of men never appear. He lives by the hope that she one day might ask how he is, just after she has been taken doggystyle. DBlock continues to obsess and obsess and creep and then boom...one day she has a long term bf and you find out.

 

Is it really going to take you all the way to the end of option 3 to start living your life? Up to you now anyway, we have all tried our best but you just arn't ready to let go of your obsession and go NC.

 

Peace dude.

[Dblock10]

thing is dude i don't feel like i'm in limbo at all, i used to. i used to feel like i was waiting but i now logically now its different than before. its not stopping me living my life, it wont.

 

at the moment im more concerned with work than pulling girls. that doesnt bother me, in fact i went on a date last week and it was merely for some fun/company im no longer fussed about having a gf, sure id like to be with my ex, but that doesnt change anything her being on my fb or not.

 

i just feel option one and two although from the out set look good, i find immature from me at this point, we didnt break on bad terms and I'm old enough to handle being friends with an ex in the future, im friends with lots of ex's on my fb, sure it was hard to move on from them before but i did. she came back we had some more fun, but she left again, thats all there is to it. so now i know i need to move on and just put it down to experience. like sci gal said, most people never get the closure at least i know how this story ended

 

but i can see how option 3 may have some truths, and yeah that could happen she could already be with someone but thats the way that is. i dunno, i just feel numb from it now. im pretty confused myself. as i dont see why she would msg me if she didnt want anything to do with me, but sure i dont really want to play the friend card, i did it before and yeh it kept us in touch and we finally met up, and as much as i wanted to then be with her she isnt here now, and it didnt stop her taking it doggy style the night before talking to me, i just dont think i have the energy to do it again for possibly a year maybe more... im worth more than that. if someone wants me they will be with me.

 

i dunno i dont have hope this time, so its easier than before. i think im going to ride it out and see what it boils down to, but im not hopeful or expecting anything, if anything i expect her to find someone else. as i hope i do to eventually if thats what life has in store for me

Edited August 8, 2012 by Dblock10

[Dblock10]

why do ex's stay in touch then?