don't think i can let go

[barese1]

I wrestled with the same dilemma, that you don't want to appear that you can't handle it by blocking them. i recently found out the ex thinks I blocked her because she thinks I'm angry at her. I told her I was going to delete her and told her why.

 

The truth is it doesn't matter what they think. I blocked her because I knew it would do me no good otherwise. It would have made it harder for me. I don't give a f&ck what she thinks, if I'm week or whatever because I did it for me to heal and move on. I can safely say that it was one of the best things I've donse since the BU.

 

They always look so happy and stunning on facebook, I don't need reminders of that. If it doesn't effect you then leave her as a friend, if it does then block. It really is that simple

[Dblock10]

odd your ex would think your angry at her.

 

yeah it does effect me and it was hard when she was travelling to see the small pro pic changes..

 

was thinking about everything this morning and i think I've realised that although me and her were bf/gf for 7 months, to her it was more of a stop gap before she moved on from uni to better things. as soon as her time to travel came around i started to just get pushed aside, it was more important for her to work and save up, she didn't want to really see me. just went down hill.

 

heard from her 0 times in 2 months before she left after we had the final talk.

 

so yeah i think it was me that valued it or what we had far to much when really it was always just a casual arrangement for her, just something "she was doing" at the time. don't think she really ever or still ever thinks about anything long term.

 

[Ruby65]

odd your ex would think your angry at her. (

 

 

His ex thinks he's angry because the way she treated him, he SHOULD be angry!!!

 

Both your exes are going to have relationships with the next guy they find who they decide is The One. They've each told you they just don't want relationships because that's what people always say to people they don't want to have a relationship with.

 

I'm not saying this to be cruel.... but maybe to help you take them off those pedestals and understand you've been USED by selfish, immature people.

 

Neither of these girls are worthy of your time or affection. Just saying.

[barese1]

His ex thinks he's angry because the way she treated him, he SHOULD be angry!!!

 

Both your exes are going to have relationships with the next guy they find who they decide is The One. They've each told you they just don't want relationships because that's what people always say to people they don't want to have a relationship with.

 

I'm not saying this to be cruel.... but maybe to help you take them off those pedestals and understand you've been USED by selfish, immature people.

 

Neither of these girls are worthy of your time or affection. Just saying.

 

Ruby is right, I know this but still am trying to find these feelings of anger myself. She is correct though, I should be fuming at her, maybe we're both just that kinda guy that it takes a lot to feel anger, I know I am.

 

Again she's right in that our exs are very likely going to get into a relationship with someone soon if theya ren't already. I didn't believe that comment about it just being us they didn't want a relationship with but I think that's the truth really.

 

It sounds like both our exs are selfish and emotionally immature, we have to try and accept this and hopefully it'll help with moving on.

[Dblock10]

hmm well if that is the case that would suck. but nothing i can do about it... i hate the part when they get a new bf if you still like them. its the worse thing.

 

i just don't know what to think or do anymore. its got to that point. just want to move on with my life and forget anything happened between us tbh. yet for some reason i miss what we had. i don't even know if its her that i truly miss or miss having that connection with someone..

 

she hasn't spoke to me for 3 ish weeks so i assume she is doing fine and is or has probably met up with this guy she met travelling who apparently is her "friend", yet they went for a meal the first week she got there. i kinda hate her on some levels for that, sure it could be a friend but i don't know.

 

i hinted to her it sounded like a date etc she said it wasn't and he is just a friend. don't know maybe I'm being to naive if i believe that, but she hasn't lied to me before. but somethings don't add up this time, like when she wouldn't let me look on her phone.

 

but the point is, she has gone, we haven't been together for ages and she just uses me when she feels like it. on some levels i wish we didn't meet up again because it opened up those feelings again and now she is gone, its like being dumped twice. and having no power to change anything. how or why she would tell me she had feelings just doesn't make sense its not a cool thing to say to someone when you have no intention of being with them. i just don't get that.

 

on some levels if i talk to her i want to say, so why did u say you have feelings ? and are you banging that guy now then.

 

only thing is i realise now how she isn't that much of a good person to me.

 

just don't know guys, i feel sad that its truly over, and has been long since over and has taken me this long to "get that"

 

feel really powerless and chasing her won't solve anything. only way possible it may ever be a possibility is if she chases me or we some how meet in the future and our paths cross.

 

but as i say, she is on the other side of the world to me, and that makes it feel like she is very distant physically and just makes me feel like don't know her anymore, its like she is now someone else

Edited July 31, 2012 by Dblock10

[Dblock10]

she contacted me again after 4 weeks nc. just asking how i was and how was an event i went to..

 

sigh wtf do i do.

[chrisusarmy2005]

I feel the same way and I still love her we were together for 4 yrs and she dropeed me like a rock and it sucks I hope it works out in the end she has to earn me back I'm a great guy and I deserve better but she's the only I've truly loved good times and bad and I went through everything with her and I guess that dosnt mean anything anymore:(

[mksmartjr]

Everything you feel is all your emotions in your brain when you can tell your brain that the relationship is over and lose any hope inside of you feeling that there's still something there that is when you will finally move on you just have to tell yourself that it is over and there's nothing you can do about it

[Dblock10]

yeh i got to that point of giving up about 4 weeks ago.

 

but now she has contacted me i guess im wondering what i should do about it, why would an ex stay in touch if they have told you that they dont want a relationship and have moved away to another country..

 

its been 4 weeks of no contact on either part. i guess i cant decide whether to ignore it and carry on or to send a non emotional bland txt msg back

[mksmartjr]

I wouldn't even reply back. Seems she's playing games with you. Mine says she loves me and still thinks about us being together but is still with her loser boyfriend who doesn't take care of her and has no job. I stopped caring because the reality is this, if she loved you she would be with your right now this very second and she would have never left you. It's not worth mind****ing your brain into thinking that there's still hope because if there was you'd be together. I'd just ignore her and move on and once she sees you don't give a **** about her anymore and that you are great and living your life she will then realize the ****ed up mistake she made in leaving you.

[Dblock10]

what game though? she is thousands of miles away. is it about her, do you think she's bored or wants some attention? is it good to view her contact as insidious?

 

i guess part of me indeed wants to reply, but then if i did i wouldnt want to know what shes been up to, so my reply wouldnt invoke any questions, and naturally that would mean i probably wouldnt get a reply back, then i may regret that

[mksmartjr]

My ex does the same thing to me only difference is we have a 5 year old together so the NC thing can't work for me for my sons sake but if you reply short and to the point responses usually get them she tries to talk to me about she misses me and loves me and I just say that's cool or that's good to know. If you show you don't care it'll eat away at them and they will realize the mistake they made. Mine is still with her new bf right now and since I've showed her I don't care and that I don't text and talk to her that much she's starting to worry because I'm not all over her bothering her. Trust me she will regret her decisions you just can't cave into the bull****.

[Dblock10]

thing is, i will never truly know how she feels. at any moment.

 

i just think this whole thing is messed up. we were only together 8 months max. but so much has happened over the year or so we have now been broken up.

 

i feel like a mad person for still thinking about this. not quite sure how to proceed. its like i really want her to want me, but thats not going to happen and shes moved away anyway. when i finish uni i'll be doing my own thing to.

 

so all thats left is friendship. but then i cant do that because i have feelings for her and i think they will always be here due to the fact it ended because she was leaving to travel. so to me it felt like it hadnt ran its course and hadnt it been for bad timing we would have still potentially been together. im always going to be physically attracted to her to.

 

just dont know.

 

 

but back to the point. why do i feel bad if i don't reply... when she told me how she was happy being single and seeing me didnt change her thoughts.

 

why do i feel like by not replying she will somehow permanently move on perhaps get a bf, yet she already had moved on or did a long time ago, i know she has had sex with others.

 

basically this sucks

[Ruby65]

The thing is, you DO know how she feels about you, because she's told you and shown you very clearly how she feels.

 

You just refuse to accept it.

 

If she wanted you to be her boyfriend, she'd say so. She wouldn't move to another country, or go travelling, or sleep with other guys. She wouldn't say "I'd rather be single."

 

Even when she's sleeping with you -- she's telling you she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. She enjoys the attention, she enjoys having sex with you -- but it's never going to be more with this girl.

 

She doesn't really care if you answer her messages or not. She enjoys a flirtation with you because it strokes her ego, nothing more. She might pout or lose interest if you ignore her, but that's it.

 

You're wasting an awful lot of time and emotion on someone who doesn't care -- when I guarantee you there are plenty of girls out there who would be really happy to have a guy like you in their life!

[Dblock10]

The thing is, you DO know how she feels about you, because she's told you and shown you very clearly how she feels.

 

You just refuse to accept it.

 

If she wanted you to be her boyfriend, she'd say so. She wouldn't move to another country, or go travelling, or sleep with other guys. She wouldn't say "I'd rather be single."

 

Even when she's sleeping with you -- she's telling you she doesn't want to be your girlfriend. She enjoys the attention, she enjoys having sex with you -- but it's never going to be more with this girl.

 

She doesn't really care if you answer her messages or not. She enjoys a flirtation with you because it strokes her ego, nothing more. She might pout or lose interest if you ignore her, but that's it.

 

You're wasting an awful lot of time and emotion on someone who doesn't care -- when I guarantee you there are plenty of girls out there who would be really happy to have a guy like you in their life!

 

 

haha ruby this is brilliant! ok only thing is she said she has feelings for me, but i guess feelings that would mean she would still enjoy having sex if we met up. not to be in a relationship.

 

when we talk though its not flirty its just normal, how are you yeah i'm good, been up to much, oh thats awesome, what are your plans for such and such..

 

would it be in my interest to keep her as a distant "friend" so if we met up then at least we might re-ignite that flame or does that just reset the whole heart ache again because she probably still wont want to actually be with me.

 

maybe i should accept that she will never want to be in a re and purely have her as a lover of convenience which is basically how your saying she treats me

[Ruby65]

maybe i should accept that she will never want to be in a re and purely have her as a lover of convenience which is basically how your saying she treats me

 

IF you were indifferent to her, I'd say to go for it and enjoy.

 

HOWEVER....... you're not indifferent, couldn't be farther from it. You're here posting pages describing how much you're suffering because of how this person treats you.

 

You have two options: continue to live in denial and take whatever scraps of time and affection she offers you...... or walk away and move on and eventually get over her.

 

Seriously..... have some pride. Move on. Don't settle for her scraps.

 

Find someone who appreciates you and wants to be your girlfriend!!

[Dblock10]

IF you were indifferent to her, I'd say to go for it and enjoy.

 

HOWEVER....... you're not indifferent, couldn't be farther from it. You're here posting pages describing how much you're suffering because of how this person treats you.

 

You have two options: continue to live in denial and take whatever scraps of time and affection she offers you...... or walk away and move on and eventually get over her.

 

Seriously..... have some pride. Move on. Don't settle for her scraps.

 

Find someone who appreciates you and wants to be your girlfriend!!

 

 

problem is, when i get to the indifferent stage, if i haven't stayed in touch and stay nc then she does enter a new relationship then id have no grounds to go on anyway and she could just say, well you never spoke to me.

 

as you say she would lose interest. (or what ever there is that keeps her msg me)

 

but your right i don't want to feed off her scraps yet im scared of her totally being gone

[Samilia]

panic struck me. i don't think i can let my ex go..

 

she is on the other side of the planet and living her life. but i feel horrible and don't want her to be with someone else.

 

this has consumed me now. i have not spoke to her for over 8 days and i don't want to become a stranger to her so staying in lc or contact would be my only option. but then by doing so i won't ever be able to move on properly and i'll wonder who's she's been going out with, what she's up to, and not knowing if she has hooked up with anyone the previous night etc. basically all those horrible thoughts. but then if i go into no contact properly then decide to talk to her say after a month or what ever, or sooner if she has contacted me, then if i hear she is with someone else now, that would gut me.

 

this hurts

 

When you think about it, you wouldn't let go of her, that's a done deal, she left. So we can kick and cry, what's done is done. You think that if you remain in the relationship, alone, she'll eventually be back for you? I would work on building myself back up, that's what she could be back for, but not for the lonely depressed guy.

[Sameold]

DBlock dude I'm not sure how old you are but you need some perspective. You were only together for 8 months and you knew it was a "stop gap". Yeh she likes that you still want her, it makes her feel good but really she wants nothing more from you.

 

You are wasting so much time. Dude she is in another country, getting bent over and screwed and you seem happy to grasp on to the odd text or chit chat. You must please realise your relationship is over. It sounds like the 8 months was just about fun and without sounding horrible I think it meant a lot more to you emotionally than to her.

 

I really want to see you make some progress and I have stuck with your story but this is a big character test for you because things can and probably will be much harder further down the line. It is never a competition but like I told you recently I lost the girl I was going to marry after 4 years, had a flat together all for GIGS based crap...some people lose marriages and all sorts. I'm just trying to make you see that you and this girl were probably about having a good time and it sounds evident that even you realised it would end when she left. You need to get back to being fun and stop obsessing. Is part of it an obsession because it doesn't sound like love?

 

As for leaving things "unfinished" why not just be honest with this girl and tell her how you feel about her? Why havn't you already done this? If she knows this then you are just stuck in the "friend zone", the place where men's testicles shrivle up all die, where you drink wine and the ex tells you how hard she orgasmed last night. Do you want that? Pick up your pride, tell her how it is and move forwards. I believe in you!

[Dblock10]

samil, yeah it sucks. fact i waited and we hooked up only for her to go again. re fed some hope. i'm not depressed, just hate how it didnt work out how i hoped for.

 

sameold im 26, yeah well maybe not such a stop gap but i blanked out that she would be leaving. i hoped we stay together and that didnt happen. i kinda feel responsible that we didn't but ultimately she must not have wanted to stay with me. when we met up she even confirmed it was for the best and wouldn't have wanted it ruining her time away..

 

yeah i know mate. so much time or more so much thought and emotional power. thats fine dude it did mean a lot more emotionally to me than say to her. i had been unhappy since my first ex screwed me over i thought id never find i nice girl again and then she came into my life and i felt so happy.

 

things can and probably will be much harder when? in life or with this situation?

well i dont want to re write old history but if you look at some of my very early posts your'll see that i felt guilt about bu for a long time due to how it went down.

 

i used to suffer from ocd and i wonder if that has something to do with this.

 

ive been honest with her, she knows i have feelings and she knows i didnt want her to go again, she knows all that. i told her outright and she basically told me its been over a year and she is happy being single..

 

i dont want to have my testicles shrivel up and her tell me how hard she got nailed or what ever. of course not. how do u suggest i tell her how it is then? thanks man, i believe in you to

[Sameold]

i dont want to have my testicles shrivel up and her tell me how hard she got nailed or what ever. of course not. how do u suggest i tell her how it is then? thanks man, i believe in you to

 

You know I'm obviously just stating that to make a point right ? (not trying to be mean)

 

As for telling her it has to come from the heart but me personally I would be forgetting about her. Presumably she will come back to the country and you can maybe tell her then. Even so I think she is going to say the same stuff she said last time dude. In essence I think what you really need is closure from all this.

 

Ask yourself the below:

 

a) what do i want from this? - i'm guessing a girlfriend that is in the same country and one you can see, sleep with, trust (this isn't her).

 

b) am i happy? - i'm guessing no you're not happy because this girl is at the forefront of your mind. You need to be careful it doesn't interfere with other important things. This is why you should be gracefully employing NC, get her off your fb

 

c) am i being honest with myself? - again i'd guess not. Do you really just want to have chit chatty small talk with this girl? No you want to sleep with her, cuddle her and confide in her. So you need to stop pretending sub-conciously that you have more than just a big crush/obsession over her. Maybe there was once a physical connection but it feels like you just wont let go and it has been over a year now.

 

I think you know what you need to do. You need to just be honest and either tell her how you feel and go NC (even explain why to her). Or just go NC now anyway. Just be honest, why bother chatting away about rubbish. In your head she is important to you so deal with this situation and stop stewing in your own mind, you will depress yourself further and it will leave you unable to move on (trust me I've been there).

 

Ultimately be a strong man that women would want, not some pining obsessed guy who decides to stop the world because he feels terrible. Use that hurt to go make yourself and your life better.

[ScienceGal]

thing is, i will never truly know how she feels. at any moment.

 

i just think this whole thing is messed up. we were only together 8 months max. but so much has happened over the year or so we have now been broken up.

 

i feel like a mad person for still thinking about this. not quite sure how to proceed. its like i really want her to want me, but thats not going to happen and shes moved away anyway. when i finish uni i'll be doing my own thing to.

 

so all thats left is friendship. but then i cant do that because i have feelings for her and i think they will always be here due to the fact it ended because she was leaving to travel. so to me it felt like it hadnt ran its course and hadnt it been for bad timing we would have still potentially been together. im always going to be physically attracted to her to.

 

just dont know.

 

 

but back to the point. why do i feel bad if i don't reply... when she told me how she was happy being single and seeing me didnt change her thoughts.

 

why do i feel like by not replying she will somehow permanently move on perhaps get a bf, yet she already had moved on or did a long time ago, i know she has had sex with others.

 

basically this sucks

 

^ She does not want to be with you. You know this, yet you are still puzzled with questions that are not so unlike the ones you've been asking for the past year. As a woman reading your posts, I can guarantee that you responding to her or not will have ZERO effect on whether she will move on for good or not. Why? Because she does not want to be with you so she is not going to be. Any connection to her is only slowing your progress. If you break NC you're basically telling her she should feel free to use you and walk all over you. What kind of woman do you think wants to be with a man like that? You've got nothing to gain here.

 

By not replying you are showing that you have self respect. That's step one to moving on.

 

If I sound a little harsh it's only because it's tragic to read about how you're still wasting your life on someone who isn't good to you.

[Dblock10]

yeah i know mate!

 

hmm, not told her from the heart. well when we met after 10 months or what ever i did pour my heart out in person told her it hurt, she said it did to. i told her i spent a lot of time thinking about her. this was when we were both drunk though so i do wonder if she even remembers this conversation.

 

yeah she will but it will be in 11 months and by then i might have left.

 

id like a nice gf that was attractive and nice to me yes. but i don't believe they exist. plus i dont want another relationship knowing they hurt this much. flings and fun is ok with me.

 

am i happy? well not really, yeah education is important to me, nc can be done but not deleting her off fb. i dont know its a big step. there is no bad blood so it would be hard. of course if shes with someone new i would do it in a flash.

 

well i of course would want more than chit chat once every month or so. but its not possible. not sure what you mean about the physical connection part or obsession sub-concious.

 

i think she knew i wanted more and wanted to be with her, why cut my heart out again. shes not stupid. she knows. dw i am a strong man, i know it will all be ok.

[Dblock10]

^ She does not want to be with you. You know this, yet you are still puzzled with questions that are not so unlike the ones you've been asking for the past year. As a woman reading your posts, I can guarantee that you responding to her or not will have ZERO effect on whether she will move on for good or not. Why? Because she does not want to be with you so she is not going to be. Any connection to her is only slowing your progress. If you break NC you're basically telling her she should feel free to use you and walk all over you. What kind of woman do you think wants to be with a man like that? You've got nothing to gain here.

 

By not replying you are showing that you have self respect. That's step one to moving on.

 

If I sound a little harsh it's only because it's tragic to read about how you're still wasting your life on someone who isn't good to you.

 

she did say she wanted to be single right now at this point in her life. and if our paths crossed in the future but she doesn't want to make plans incase they dont work out and then she cant be to blame :S

i needed this. it makes total sense. i feel so stupid worthless or something yet i know i'm good smart and attractive :S

[Mike_d]

a suggestion if I might, check Amazon for a used/inexpensive book titled "No One Is to Blame: Freedom from Compulsive Self-Defeating Behavior" by Bob Hoffman - some of the stuff is kinda woo-woo but if you are in enough pain you'll do the work and see the benefits that come with it. I just play a therapist on the internets, but to me you clearly have some significant self esteem and self worth issues. The book *will* help you, and there are others out there too. You can get your life back, what you are living now is zero quality of life. Are you not worth it? Wanting to waste another year of your life living in limbo? This is the only ride you get, so make it your best. These changes take work.