Sammmmm Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 My boyfriend has a close group of friends that he went to college with, most of them being girls. They don't really see each other that much any more seen as how they have left college but they do keep in contact and go on nights out drinking. He is particularly close to 1 of the girls, Sarah. We have been together for almost 7 months now but I have known him for 2 years, we worked together - this is how I knew him. He has known Sarah for 4 years I think it is but I didn't really know much about her as he never spoke about her much. I will admit I do get jealous but I have never had a problem with them going out together even knowing that him and Sarah have almost had sex - She wanted to sleep with him but he didn't want too and I believe him because I know he's not that type of boy. But recently I looked on his phone at his and Sarah's text conversations, I have never looked at anything on his phone before because I trust him so I really do not know why I done it but I did and wasn't happy with what I saw. They are very flirty (even though he said it's not flirting because I asked him about it) and talk kinda rude and he mostly texts her first. They call each other nicknames and he tells her personal details about our relationship. I really wish I hadn't of looked because I have felt weird towards him since and just haven't been the same with him. I want to just get over it now but I don't know how to knowing he could be textin her now. I love him so much and I know he would never ever cheat on me but I just don't see why he needs a close girl friend when he as a girlfriend? Am I just a crazy jealous girlfriend or is this too much? How can I get over it?
madjac74 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 You know he wouldn't cheat on you but you felt the need to spy on his phone? I have very close female friends and we make comments to each other that could be construed as flirty or raunchy but we do it to irritate each other. Heck I even do that with my guy friends. Which makes the sex of my friends really unimportant. Would I get rid of my female friends because a girlfriend doesnt understand why I need female friends? heck no! I suggest you talk to him about it rather than sneaking around and wondering. If he really wanted this female friend then I imagine he would be with her and not you. I hope I helped a bit. Take a deep breath and think about this realistically and try not to jump to conclusions.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 "She wanted to sleep with him but he didn't want too and I believe him because I know he's not that type of boy." You've got to be fking kidding me If you believe that. So he's the type of boy that is going to relentlessly battle a woman he's known for 4 years from having sex? why would he not sleep with her? what's the excuse there even when he is "single". And then they are very flirty on top of it...so you think with some alcohol in each others veins that over the course of 4 whole years they've been able to keep their hands off each other or it happening from "accident". The reality is he's close to these women for a reason and with this girl in particular...maybe not so much the others...he shares the most intimate and private details of his relationship with...you're basically the piece of meat while she's the actual girlfriend role because that's who he communicates and is honest with...the only reason they wouldn't want to get involved with each other (which i doubt and it's clear this beatch is into your BF but I highly doubt they haven't fooled around anyway) is because they'd want to lose that openness and support from each other...so even If they have slept with each other why on gods earth would they tell you? so you could get suspicious and jealous and not let them be friends anymore? there's no incentive with being honest with you, as long as they play their "roles" in front of you, you'll actually be ridiculous enough to believe the situation "because you love him" (that's a new one that's never blind) and try to overlook the fact that he's investing so much with another woman. You see he doesn't really have to invest in you, you're kind of expendable. Fact of the matter is this other girl probably knows ten times more where your BF emotionally stands than you ever will, he'll tell you buttered up things you want to hear and half-truths you'll surely believe because of your "feelings" and you'll live in this little world of not having to face in that direction and look too hard or you might find something you don't want to see like you just did. You only know the man he's showed you that he wants you to see...you don't know who he really is and how he really is because I bet your @ss If you keep reading his texts you'll find a lot of interesting information your Bf is telling this "friend" of his that the other day he just told you the opposite. He needs this close friend so that he doesn't have all his eggs in one basket with you, therefore he only needs you for the things he can't get with or do with her but you're obviously not getting the full relationship. You can get over by shutting up and not looking through his phone and melting your brain until it's a pile of goo and just emotions where mental power used to reside. Or... You could bust his b@lls and actually find out what this relationship really is and how much he's willing to invest with you and where his emotions are with you instead of just having the whole relationship based on how you feel...because that always works! "know he would never ever cheat on me" This, you don't know. It would be foolish to ever believe this as a woman, I've seen far too many women let those words drop out of their mouth and then seeing their BF's cheat it doesn't even phase me anymore. You got a ring on your finger at least? What do you think flirtation leads to? handshakes? 1
utterer of lies Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 him and Sarah have almost had sex She wanted to sleep with him but he didn't want too and I believe him because I know he's not that type of boy. They are very flirty and talk kinda rude he mostly texts her first. They call each other nicknames Do you really need help figuring this out? It seems kind of obvious.
madjac74 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Originally Posted by Sammmmm him and Sarah have almost had sex She wanted to sleep with him but he didn't want too and I believe him because I know he's not that type of boy. They are very flirty and talk kinda rude he mostly texts her first. They call each other nicknames I dont understand how that makes things obvious. It all sounds circumstantial to me. Even if they actually did have sex in the past that doesn't mean they can't be great friends and it is no reason it should affect the op's current relationship with him. I had sex with my ex-wife (when we were married) and I'm still friends and in contact with her yet that doesn't affect any of my relationships since.
utterer of lies Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I dont understand how that makes things obvious. It all sounds circumstantial to me. Even if they actually did have sex in the past that doesn't mean they can't be great friends and it is no reason it should affect the op's current relationship with him. I had sex with my ex-wife (when we were married) and I'm still friends and in contact with her yet that doesn't affect any of my relationships since. He tells her they almost sex but he didn't want to - but he initiates most of the contact? Either he lied, or he changed his mind. Anyway, it seems very likely he is interested in sex with her now.
madjac74 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 When did they "almost" have sex? When they first met? Prior to when he even met his girlfriend? I had sex with one of my best friends (when we first met and considered dating) and now the thought is the furthest thing from my mind. I wouldn't even tell a current girlfriend that because it is so inconsequential. But if she asked me, i'd be honest.
utterer of lies Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 When did they "almost" have sex? When they first met? Prior to when he even met his girlfriend? I had sex with one of my best friends (when we first met and considered dating) and now the thought is the furthest thing from my mind. I wouldn't even tell a current girlfriend that because it is so inconsequential. But if she asked me, i'd be honest. Exactly. How often do you initiate texting with that girl, and flirt with her? (Not your gf, the 'best friend').
madjac74 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Exactly. How often do you initiate texting with that girl, and flirt with her? (Not your gf, the 'best friend'). I don't have a girlfriend so I guess I could do those things whenever I want. But we text each other when we want to go hangout and complain about dating. But everyone always assumes that men and women can't be friends without there being some ulterior motives. That is very sad. 1
Author Sammmmm Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 I should of explained more. He was with his ex gf for 6 years she was the only girl he had been with since they were like 16 and she cheated on him, it broke his heart and I was there for him when he was going through his break up. I got to proper know him and we were still only friends, he told me everything. This was when he told me he almost slept with Sarah but he couldn't I can understand why he wouldn't want too with him only just breaking up with what he thought was the love of his life at the time. We didn't get together for months and months after. He really is a nice genuine person and I think what I wrote made him sound like a pretty bad boyfriend and it didn't do him any justice. When in actual fact he is the opposite I think it is just me being the jealous monster that I am. I am going to have a talk about it with him later and just explain how I feel. It was my own fault for going through his phone anyway. Plus he acts rude with all his lad mates like you do madjac74 and he's just like that in general anyway I just thought because she's a girl and obviously attracted to him that its different. I know nothing would happen between them two - she is not the most attractive of girls. You guys really did help me to realise he is not at all bad like how ninja seemed to explain and I do know the type of person he is. I just got lost in all the jealously. Thank you for all your advice anyway guys!
Author Sammmmm Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 Bull. The chances are extremely high that he's already been physical with her - and if he hasn't, that's why he's flirting with her now, because he wants the opportunity. And if they have had sex, he knows damned well he'd be a FOOL to admit it to you because you'd make his life miserable and he wouldn't be 'allowed' to be her "friend" anymore. That's very naive thinking, assuming he would 'never' cheat on you, and that's how you get the rug pulled right out from under you. read the comment above you off me.
Chunky Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Tell him how you feel. Get it off your chest. It will continue to bother you until you talk about it.
Ninjainpajamas Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I should of explained more. He was with his ex gf for 6 years she was the only girl he had been with since they were like 16 and she cheated on him, it broke his heart and I was there for him when he was going through his break up. I got to proper know him and we were still only friends, he told me everything. This was when he told me he almost slept with Sarah but he couldn't I can understand why he wouldn't want too with him only just breaking up with what he thought was the love of his life at the time. We didn't get together for months and months after. He really is a nice genuine person and I think what I wrote made him sound like a pretty bad boyfriend and it didn't do him any justice. When in actual fact he is the opposite I think it is just me being the jealous monster that I am. I am going to have a talk about it with him later and just explain how I feel. It was my own fault for going through his phone anyway. Plus he acts rude with all his lad mates like you do madjac74 and he's just like that in general anyway I just thought because she's a girl and obviously attracted to him that its different. I know nothing would happen between them two - she is not the most attractive of girls. You guys really did help me to realise he is not at all bad like how ninja seemed to explain and I do know the type of person he is. I just got lost in all the jealously. Thank you for all your advice anyway guys! You don't even know how typical and predictable this all is...you're just trying to cut the pie in a different way...it has nothing to do with him being a "bad" guy...it's what's reality and what is not. You're delusional...you just realize it yet, but you'll see.
Author Sammmmm Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 You don't even know how typical and predictable this all is...you're just trying to cut the pie in a different way...it has nothing to do with him being a "bad" guy...it's what's reality and what is not. You're delusional...you just realize it yet, but you'll see. hahahaha no really I'm not delusional. Your funny.
counterman Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 When I just started dating my ex-girlfriend, she was jealous and insecure whenever I spoke to my girl friends. I made the mistake of ditching them and putting all my eggs in one basket. Why did I ditch them? I thought, 'why do I need girl friends when I have a girlfriend?'. Big mistake. When it came to my ex-girlfriend, she use to flirt all the time with her guy friends. I didn't like it. When I told her how I felt, she called me 'insecure' - which is fair enough, but, several months later, she dumps me for one of the guys she was flirting with. Funny thing is, he wasn't her friend, he was mine. Everyone thought my ex-girlfriend was some Saint, an absolute angel, who was the perfect girlfriend. Yeah right. I'm not going to buy into the 'he's a really a great guy' - because I've heard it all before from girls who are blind or in denial to what their boyfriends were really like and I know enough of those guys cheated on their girlfriends to understand that they weren't great at all. We're in no position to know what your boyfriend's motives are or whether he is really decent or not, but what I suggest is you talk to him and let him know how you feel but don't expect him to drop his friend or start changing what he's doing now. If it's reassurance you want, you'll probably get that but constant reassurance... not saying that you're seeking that but it does wear a person down. Trust him until he gives you reasons to otherwise (this situation could be a reason not to trust him). 1
utterer of lies Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I don't have a girlfriend so I guess I could do those things whenever I want. But we text each other when we want to go hangout and complain about dating. But everyone always assumes that men and women can't be friends without there being some ulterior motives. That is very sad. That's not the point. The point is that often initiating texts and flirting with a girl that is not his girlfriend is a very bad sign.
Els Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 That's not the point. The point is that often initiating texts and flirting with a girl that is not his girlfriend is a very bad sign. Gotta agree with this. Friends can be friends, but there has to be a boundary somewhere, and 'not having sex with her' doesn't usually cut it. Clearly this makes you uncomfortable, so talk to him about it. Fess up about checking his phone and let him know where your boundaries are. If he really cares about you, he would agree to establish reasonable boundaries as a compromise.
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