PainsChains Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 My ex called me two months into NC. She told me she’d really started to miss me and said she thought she may’ve made a mistake by leaving me for this other guy. She got nostalgic and said maybe our paths will cross again someday. She told me she felt something for me, she just didn’t know what to call it. But she said that it wasn’t just friendship. I broke down and told her I loved her and that I was sure about her 100%. She said she wasn’t sure 100% about me and that she didn’t want to hurt me again. Then she told me that at the end of the summer she was going to move to another city to live with this guy. She said she was really scared to do that and she sincerely sounded very scared. The more I told her I cared about her the less she reciprocated. Then she began trying to justify why our relationship ended. She said this guy had never done anything to hurt her. And that she could never do that to him. Then she hung up on me. Another 2 months have passed since that call. Now I’m 4 months into the breakup. I feel such a huge urge to contact her. I obviously don’t want her to move away OR live with this guy. She has a diary blog about their relationship, which details her private thoughts about him as well as me. I’m always curious to look at it, just to see what she’s thinking right now. But I’ve looked at it only once and that was a couple months back. It was one of the most painful experiences of my life, so I’ve not looked since. The past couple of weeks I’ve begun crying a lot again. Like a lot. I’m not dealing with this very well at all. I think suicide is selfish and immoral and I won’t do that. But I’ve been thinking very seriously for several weeks on moral ways I could have my life end. I’ve thought of perhaps moving to a new country to a remote area where contact with my family would only be possible through letters. I’d be doing missions type work, which would make them proud, but I’d also take the most dangerous job I could find. I’d pre-write 100 different letters and have a confidential service send them even when I was passed away. My family and friends would think I was alive and well, which would alleviate their pain. And because my death would not be through self-harm, but rather through self-sacrifice, it would be rather noble since I would die doing good for others. Sounds elaborate, I know. But I’ve done some research and it’s actually quite plausible. I’ve been in love twice. Both loves cheated on me and left me for other guys. In both cases, as a cruel trick of fate, I immediately became privy to the sexual details of their new relationships without ever wanting such knowledge. Both women gave me 110% and were nothing but good to me throughout our entire relationship before they cheated on me and left me. So I have a very hard time reconciling the disparity between those two extremes. When I was 17 my first real girlfriend broke up with me because I was a Christian and wouldn’t have sex with her. My mom cheated on my dad. I really love women and don’t want to become a misogynist but the pain they've put me through has been hell. Sometimes I want to drive by my ex’shouse just to see if she’s in town, or if she’s visiting him, or to see if maybe she’s already moved away. I know I should be moving on. But to what? Two days after this girl left me I found out she’d given me a disease. It’s not fatal, just fatal to relationships. She admitted she still hasn’t told her new boyfriend she has this and I get the impression she never will. I’m too moral to do that to a girl and I don’t want to be hard-hearted after all this and become reckless and destroy women’s lives. So, again, I’m thinking maybe I’m not cut out for this world and everyday cutting myself out of it is an option that looks better and better. I’ve not felt a single second of happiness in 4 months. I don’t see that changing.
CopingGal Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I'm so, so, so, so sorry this happened to you. This woman is horrible. The things she did to you...she is horrible. You really should stay away from her. She is just horrible. Sorry she gave you a disease. In the future, maybe you can date someone else that has that too, so it won't be so awkward for you. But that's a long time from now. You have to stay away from her and live your life. She doesn't deserve you. You deserve to live and be happy. Live. Live. Live, and be happy.
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