Feeling at fault for husband's lack of seeing friends/family

[pink_sugar]

I've been feeling much at fault for my husband's lack of seeing his friends or family. When we first got together, I had a lot of emotional issues at 16 that I may have shown his family. Sometimes, I feel it's my social awkwardness that make them not want to see him or me. I've had depression and anxiety disorders for many years. I was abused and neglected in my childhood, so I feel a strong need to connect with others outside my family and put down when I don't. We've been living together 5 years and married for 4, he used to see his grandparents every weekend for breakfast and hang out with his friends more often. Now he hardly sees any of them and I wonder if it's because of me. I've really been trying hard to change for the better and have grown up a lot. I encourage him to try and see his relatives and friends more often, but he says he doesn't have much money. I think it's an excuse. I'm glad he knows I will always be there for him, but it's healthy and important I think to have other people in your life you can go to in difficult times besides your spouse. Anyways like tonight, my H asked his brother whom is visiting from out of state for a ride to pick up the car he borrowed from his grandmother and return it...and asked for a ride home. (they were on the way to hang out) and my H sort of asked when they got here. So when they got back, they decided to get back (the grandmother gave them a 11pm curfue while they are staying with them). I told my husband he should not have asked them for a ride so abruptly and that's probably why they didn't stay. I feel terrible, because I stayed home and they are probably blaming me for not taking my H to get the car or whatever. (I don't drive much because I get anxiety on the road and have little driving experience). Turns out the brother was mad, probably because my husband asked him right when they came over to visit. I am upset, because I've been working hard to get along with them after the fight we had 2 years ago and I feel they are blaming me for this. So I got upset with my husband for not asking them in advance or taking public transit this morning like he initially planned. I know I shouldn't blame myself for my husband's choices, such as waiting until the brother came over to hang out to ask for this. My husband apologized, the brother admitted he was mad at the time, but is over it. But I feel like they hate me for it.

[BetheButterfly]

I've been feeling much at fault for my husband's lack of seeing his friends or family. When we first got together, I had a lot of emotional issues at 16 that I may have shown his family. Sometimes, I feel it's my social awkwardness that make them not want to see him or me. I've had depression and anxiety disorders for many years. I was abused and neglected in my childhood, so I feel a strong need to connect with others outside my family and put down when I don't. We've been living together 5 years and married for 4, he used to see his grandparents every weekend for breakfast and hang out with his friends more often. Now he hardly sees any of them and I wonder if it's because of me. I've really been trying hard to change for the better and have grown up a lot. I encourage him to try and see his relatives and friends more often, but he says he doesn't have much money. I think it's an excuse. I'm glad he knows I will always be there for him, but it's healthy and important I think to have other people in your life you can go to in difficult times besides your spouse. Anyways like tonight, my H asked his brother whom is visiting from out of state for a ride to pick up the car he borrowed from his grandmother and return it...and asked for a ride home. (they were on the way to hang out) and my H sort of asked when they got here. So when they got back, they decided to get back (the grandmother gave them a 11pm curfue while they are staying with them). I told my husband he should not have asked them for a ride so abruptly and that's probably why they didn't stay. I feel terrible, because I stayed home and they are probably blaming me for not taking my H to get the car or whatever. (I don't drive much because I get anxiety on the road and have little driving experience). Turns out the brother was mad, probably because my husband asked him right when they came over to visit. I am upset, because I've been working hard to get along with them after the fight we had 2 years ago and I feel they are blaming me for this. So I got upset with my husband for not asking them in advance or taking public transit this morning like he initially planned. I know I shouldn't blame myself for my husband's choices, such as waiting until the brother came over to hang out to ask for this. My husband apologized, the brother admitted he was mad at the time, but is over it. But I feel like they hate me for it.

 

First of all, you need to let the issue go. It's not a horrible thing for him to ask for a ride, and the brother got over it. Personally, I immediately ask my sisters for stuff all the time, including if I can borrow a dress for that same day. It's no big deal to some people. To others it is, so it's important just to get to know each other, and this is just a learning experience. Now y'all know the brother didn't like that. Ok, lesson learned. Moving on...

 

Secondly, it's understandable why you don't feel like driving. Anxiety does make life difficult and you need to take little steps to work your way through it, so you are not afraid. Life is full of risk, but you can enjoy life more by being careful and not letting fear cripple you. If your condition is such that you don't feel you can grow, you can kindly and clearly tell the family. If you tell them, "I don't drive much because I can't since ..." at least they will know why. Kind and informative communication about yourself can help people understand more about you.

 

I am glad you are growing!!! Don't shrivel up in sadness over what happened, k? It's great that you are encouraging your husband to be more sociable! Be positive and get to enjoy spending time with family/friends, instead of getting worried over it. I know that's easier to say than do, but again, it's great to see you are growing! It takes time to grow.

[pink_sugar]

Thanks so much for the helpful advice! Been telling myself the issue is over and done, no need to dwell on it anymore. My H will just have to make other arrangements or ask ahead of time, that way he can feel like he can either say yes or no.

[BetheButterfly]

Thanks so much for the helpful advice! Been telling myself the issue is over and done, no need to dwell on it anymore. My H will just have to make other arrangements or ask ahead of time, that way he can feel like he can either say yes or no.

 

Yep! It's water under the bridge! Thats a good idea to make arrangements/ask ahead of time. Don't worry! Just concentrate on growing and taking steps. It's difficult to heal from abuse. I don't know by experience, but by what other people who I love have gone through, and it takes time and patience. Don't blame yourself. Just be positive and don't let get difficulties/misunderstandings get you down, k? There's beauty and kindness and goodness in the world. Keep your mind on that, not on feeling like something is your fault, k? Hugs!!!