Broken hearted. Where to go from here.

[H0pelesss]

So a quick history. I've been with my bf for almost 5 years. Most of which we've lived together. We now have a 6 month old son.

 

My boyfriend cheated on me after being together for about 8 months and I didn't find out until 6 months after it happened. He had sex with the girl once and did not have contact with her after. When I found out I was devastated. It took a long time to recover and eventually I never thought about it, well rarely. We were happy, we were stronger. My boyfriend was on adderol all of his childhood and no longer had insurance so stopped taking it and it really affects him in a negative way. Like, i know the man that he can be and wants to be. With that said, my son was born this year. We were in a bad spot, he had gotten laid off and we had just moved into my parent's house. A month or so after my son was born he introduced me to an old friend of his named tiffany. When I met her, I wasn't too crazy about her. She was nice but would ignore her young children while we were there and was just an idiot. We went to her house a few times to get away from my mother' s house. For a few weeks i let my bf stay at his friend carl's house bc he was not getting along with my mom. He came back to my mom's for a few weeks then we ended up moving out and about 5 hours away for a job. We were happier than ever. Well, this girl tiffany had been texting my phone alot asking to talk to my bfand seeing how we were. (my bf didn't have a phone) He had gone to her house before without me and I told him it was not a good idea. So next time she invited us over and i didn't want to go, he told her it wasn't a good idea for him to go without me and she got mad! Honestly, at that point my life was a whirlwind of no sleep and constant breastfeeding and mixed emotions so alot got passed me. Anyway, she texted recently and she said something along the lines of "if you don't call me back, the truth will surface." Red flag. A few days went by and i asked him what she was talking about. He said he had no idea. I told him that if there was something i neede to know, now is the time. He said nothing. I went in the bathroom and locked the door. He came right behind me and asked me to let him in. I did and he sat me down and said "i did it". I knew what he was saying but asked "did what?" "cheated. It happened twice." then i asked the questions i needed to know and yelled what i needed to yell. My first reaction was to leave. Disappear. I couldn't look at him. Not only did he cheat, he cheated twice, with a girl he had me hang out with after it happened, and worst of all RIGHT AFTER I GAVE BIRTH TO OUR SON! like still had the stitches and sore. I am distraught. I screamed and yelled and hit him with a pillow. I wanted to leave but was too embarassed to call anyone to help me. I made him sleep on the couch and tried to sleep but could not. The next day i texted her like an idiot and she told me all sorts of horrible things like that he was in love with her and only stayed with me bc i have his son. I made him come home from work and he called her on speakerphone and she admitted to that being false. Then the girl had the nerve to insult me. My bf has cried and cried and begged for me not to leave. He said that she came on to him and at the moment he rationalized it as being like a last hoorah before us getting married. Which is no excuse. I would not let him touch me and just wanted him to leave. He is very apologetic and it is sincere. He left to give me some space and when he got home went into yhe extra bedroom. While he was gone i was pacing... Wishing he was home.... Weird right? I asked him to come talk to me and he heard me out then i heard him out. Crazy... But i still want to be with him. I'm still in love with him. But my heart is broken in a million pieces. I'm giving him one last shot but I have a list of demands. He is going to see a psychiatrist for example. I don't trust him but maybe will. I'm giving our family this last shot. And its not just for my son... I love him and besides this incident and the ine in the past we have been pretty happy. I know I deserve so much better but I want to give him the chance to be the better man I believe he can be. If I find that I cannot get over it, I will not stay. But i need advice. Anyone been in my boat before? What did you do?

[Fitz]

So a quick history. I've been with my bf for almost 5 years. Most of which we've lived together. We now have a 6 month old son.

 

My boyfriend cheated on me after being together for about 8 months and I didn't find out until 6 months after it happened. He had sex with the girl once and did not have contact with her after. When I found out I was devastated. It took a long time to recover and eventually I never thought about it, well rarely. We were happy, we were stronger. My boyfriend was on adderol all of his childhood and no longer had insurance so stopped taking it and it really affects him in a negative way. Like, i know the man that he can be and wants to be. With that said, my son was born this year. We were in a bad spot, he had gotten laid off and we had just moved into my parent's house. A month or so after my son was born he introduced me to an old friend of his named tiffany. When I met her, I wasn't too crazy about her. She was nice but would ignore her young children while we were there and was just an idiot. We went to her house a few times to get away from my mother' s house. For a few weeks i let my bf stay at his friend carl's house bc he was not getting along with my mom. He came back to my mom's for a few weeks then we ended up moving out and about 5 hours away for a job. We were happier than ever. Well, this girl tiffany had been texting my phone alot asking to talk to my bfand seeing how we were. (my bf didn't have a phone) He had gone to her house before without me and I told him it was not a good idea. So next time she invited us over and i didn't want to go, he told her it wasn't a good idea for him to go without me and she got mad! Honestly, at that point my life was a whirlwind of no sleep and constant breastfeeding and mixed emotions so alot got passed me. Anyway, she texted recently and she said something along the lines of "if you don't call me back, the truth will surface." Red flag. A few days went by and i asked him what she was talking about. He said he had no idea. I told him that if there was something i neede to know, now is the time. He said nothing. I went in the bathroom and locked the door. He came right behind me and asked me to let him in. I did and he sat me down and said "i did it". I knew what he was saying but asked "did what?" "cheated. It happened twice." then i asked the questions i needed to know and yelled what i needed to yell. My first reaction was to leave. Disappear. I couldn't look at him. Not only did he cheat, he cheated twice, with a girl he had me hang out with after it happened, and worst of all RIGHT AFTER I GAVE BIRTH TO OUR SON! like still had the stitches and sore. I am distraught. I screamed and yelled and hit him with a pillow. I wanted to leave but was too embarassed to call anyone to help me. I made him sleep on the couch and tried to sleep but could not. The next day i texted her like an idiot and she told me all sorts of horrible things like that he was in love with her and only stayed with me bc i have his son. I made him come home from work and he called her on speakerphone and she admitted to that being false. Then the girl had the nerve to insult me. My bf has cried and cried and begged for me not to leave. He said that she came on to him and at the moment he rationalized it as being like a last hoorah before us getting married. Which is no excuse. I would not let him touch me and just wanted him to leave. He is very apologetic and it is sincere. He left to give me some space and when he got home went into yhe extra bedroom. While he was gone i was pacing... Wishing he was home.... Weird right? I asked him to come talk to me and he heard me out then i heard him out. Crazy... But i still want to be with him. I'm still in love with him. But my heart is broken in a million pieces. I'm giving him one last shot but I have a list of demands. He is going to see a psychiatrist for example. I don't trust him but maybe will. I'm giving our family this last shot. And its not just for my son... I love him and besides this incident and the ine in the past we have been pretty happy. I know I deserve so much better but I want to give him the chance to be the better man I believe he can be. If I find that I cannot get over it, I will not stay. But i need advice. Anyone been in my boat before? What did you do?

 

Not to be rude, but dividing this "wall of text" into paragraphs will help better organize your thoughts about the whole situation and make this easier to read.

 

And second of all, call me jaded but I don't see your relationship with this guy lasting very long. Most marriages end in divorce these days. Frankly, I can't see your situation ending any differently, give the rampant cheating at the start of it.

 

You think you "love" him, but you're probably just fighting for validation. If a wealthier, more handsome version of this guy started hitting on you -you'd dump this guy in a second. Likewise, if a younger, prettier girl was willing to spread her legs for him, then he'd cheat on you/dump you in a second. So don't get caught up thinking you're a character in a romance novel.

Edited July 22, 2012 by Fitz

[Just_A_Poster]

Hey, if you want to keep being disrespected by a loser who can't support his wife and kid and has to move in with her parents - then move out for a few weeks because he's such a LOSER that he can't appreciate the leg up your parents were giving him, then that's your problem.

 

And don't think for a minute while he was out of your parent's house that he wasn't out banging his welfare recipient girlfriend who neglects her kids every chance he got while he wasn't under your 'watch' at your parents.

 

Why anyone would have a child with someone like this - and want to STAY with this snake after continually finding out what a LOSER he is - is just beyond me.

 

Sorry.

[hurting tonight]

What is wrong with you. Your responses are horrible. You have no tact, seriously lack any sort empathy for another human being.

[hurting tonight]

I could never speak to someone like that. It's horrible. No matter the circumstances, there is such a thing as tact and empathy, which this person clearly lacks. Jmho.

[BetrayedH]

So a quick history. I've been with my bf for almost 5 years. Most of which we've lived together. We now have a 6 month old son.

 

My boyfriend cheated on me after being together for about 8 months and I didn't find out until 6 months after it happened. He had sex with the girl once and did not have contact with her after. When I found out I was devastated. It took a long time to recover and eventually I never thought about it, well rarely. We were happy, we were stronger. My boyfriend was on adderol all of his childhood and no longer had insurance so stopped taking it and it really affects him in a negative way. Like, i know the man that he can be and wants to be. With that said, my son was born this year. We were in a bad spot, he had gotten laid off and we had just moved into my parent's house. A month or so after my son was born he introduced me to an old friend of his named tiffany. When I met her, I wasn't too crazy about her. She was nice but would ignore her young children while we were there and was just an idiot. We went to her house a few times to get away from my mother' s house. For a few weeks i let my bf stay at his friend carl's house bc he was not getting along with my mom. He came back to my mom's for a few weeks then we ended up moving out and about 5 hours away for a job. We were happier than ever. Well, this girl tiffany had been texting my phone alot asking to talk to my bfand seeing how we were. (my bf didn't have a phone) He had gone to her house before without me and I told him it was not a good idea. So next time she invited us over and i didn't want to go, he told her it wasn't a good idea for him to go without me and she got mad! Honestly, at that point my life was a whirlwind of no sleep and constant breastfeeding and mixed emotions so alot got passed me. Anyway, she texted recently and she said something along the lines of "if you don't call me back, the truth will surface." Red flag. A few days went by and i asked him what she was talking about. He said he had no idea. I told him that if there was something i neede to know, now is the time. He said nothing. I went in the bathroom and locked the door. He came right behind me and asked me to let him in. I did and he sat me down and said "i did it". I knew what he was saying but asked "did what?" "cheated. It happened twice." then i asked the questions i needed to know and yelled what i needed to yell. My first reaction was to leave. Disappear. I couldn't look at him. Not only did he cheat, he cheated twice, with a girl he had me hang out with after it happened, and worst of all RIGHT AFTER I GAVE BIRTH TO OUR SON! like still had the stitches and sore. I am distraught. I screamed and yelled and hit him with a pillow. I wanted to leave but was too embarassed to call anyone to help me. I made him sleep on the couch and tried to sleep but could not. The next day i texted her like an idiot and she told me all sorts of horrible things like that he was in love with her and only stayed with me bc i have his son. I made him come home from work and he called her on speakerphone and she admitted to that being false. Then the girl had the nerve to insult me. My bf has cried and cried and begged for me not to leave. He said that she came on to him and at the moment he rationalized it as being like a last hoorah before us getting married. Which is no excuse. I would not let him touch me and just wanted him to leave. He is very apologetic and it is sincere. He left to give me some space and when he got home went into yhe extra bedroom. While he was gone i was pacing... Wishing he was home.... Weird right? I asked him to come talk to me and he heard me out then i heard him out. Crazy... But i still want to be with him. I'm still in love with him. But my heart is broken in a million pieces. I'm giving him one last shot but I have a list of demands. He is going to see a psychiatrist for example. I don't trust him but maybe will. I'm giving our family this last shot. And its not just for my son... I love him and besides this incident and the ine in the past we have been pretty happy. I know I deserve so much better but I want to give him the chance to be the better man I believe he can be. If I find that I cannot get over it, I will not stay. But i need advice. Anyone been in my boat before? What did you do?

 

Lots of betrayed people initially want to stay; you don't immediately fall out of love with someone and we somewhat desperately want to feel this was a mistake that can be corrected so we can salvage our destroyed lives. I speak from experience. This ends up being counter productive. The only way these people learn is to fully hit rock bottom and lose everything that they risked.

 

I don't happen to believe the adage, "once a cheater, always a cheater" but I firmly believe that "twice a cheater, always a cheater." This is twice (that you know of).

 

Having a child with this asshat makes things problematic for you to be sure. Unfortunately, staying in an environment that is toxic for you keeps your child in a toxic environment, too.

 

I'm sorry you find yourself here. Rest assured that you are not alone. I hope you find the strength to move on to a healthier place. Good luck.

[GLDheart]

I think watching what he does in your absense may be a good test of his character. If without you, he is remorseful and doing what it takes... then maybe you guys have a shot.

 

You see, what you had IS OVER. Let's see what he can rebuild now... if he is truly willing.

[H0pelesss]

Well sorry I didn't put it into paragraphs. I was more involved in the content of my story than the context. I wanted real opinions and I got them. Thank you to those of you that actually offered advice. My best friend is picking my son and I up Tuesday and I will spend some time with her helping with her wedding planning to gather my thoughts and feelings. He will work on himself and bettering our situation and when I get back in a week or so I will give him an answer. I have my reasons for wanting to stay and I need to figure out if it will be worth it. I don't feel my story is a romance novel, only my own love story with twisted turns that could be for the worst. I will take my time and decide whats best for my son and I. Thank you again for your advice. Even the negative has been taken into consideration.

[BetrayedH]

Good luck with your decision.

 

What what it's worth, I encourage you to keep reading posts here. It can be very difficult to engage posters and defend your decisions but at least read so you can educate yourself. That's what helped me the most and i took me a long time to really get it. Whether you divorce or reconcile, you'll want to slbe smarter about how all this crap works. Most especially if you want to reconcile, you need to know what a successful reconciliation looks like or you will continue to get trickle-truthed to death and find yourself back here after another round of his cheating. You cannot fix a marriage from one side, no matter how badly you want it. Strangely, the harsher you are in this situation, the more likely you'll have a chance at reconciling. Take a forgiving approach and you can probably forget it. Hard trust the words of a stranger over the internet but I tell you, I'm 15 months into my ordeal and don't think I've missed reading a post in that time. There are pretty darn clear patterns to these things. Sure some o them are a bit unique but in the end, not really. Anyway, I just wanted to say good luck and encourage you to keep reading to educate yourself. Knowledge can be powerful, especially at a time when you need to be using your head to make decisions, rather than your heart.

[H0pelesss]

Thank you and I am reading alot of stories on here and searching Other sites for coping and healing. I know I have a long road ahead of me whether I choose to stay or not. I'm staying hopeful and cautious and will take all the time I need to figure it all out.