oliviaterces Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I found my boyfriend's porn stash without even trying to fnd it and it shocked me. I'm of the nature to laugh at how easy it was to find first, then distress wash over as I looked at the dates. I've looked around at other sites for hints on how to deal with this. I'm torn between accepting that he looks at it and it's "no big deal" (as I'm sure some will reply with), but there is a catch... I have PTSD with a sexual related issue and it literally is destroying me right now. The added/last accessed dates are recent -- basically the last time I was away from him for a week or so visiting my family which was a week or so ago. He doesn't neglect me or anything. It's really hard for me because I know it's "different" and he is probably not replacing me, but I really don't have the confidence to accept this; not with my traumatic past things and such. He is the most loving person I have ever been with and it's what also makes it so incredibly hard to deal with. With past boyfriends it was actually easier since it was more obvious that they "needed it" and I didn't feel nearly as strong about the relationship. I want to talk about it eventually, but I feel like I don't even know what side I'm on about it. I'm also afraid he will see me as crazy and feel embarassed and I don't want to subject him to that either. I don't want to be a restrictive girlfriend and ban it, but I also can't believe he would watch it when I'm not even gone for that long. I'm having a lot of trouble accepting it as a fact. I know I should talk about it, and this is the first step for me, but if anyone has this experience and also knows what I mean about PTSD, advice is very welcome. Thanks
O'farrell Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I found my boyfriend's porn stash without even trying to fnd it and it shocked me. I'm of the nature to laugh at how easy it was to find first, then distress wash over as I looked at the dates. I've looked around at other sites for hints on how to deal with this. I'm torn between accepting that he looks at it and it's "no big deal" (as I'm sure some will reply with), but there is a catch... I have PTSD with a sexual related issue and it literally is destroying me right now. The added/last accessed dates are recent -- basically the last time I was away from him for a week or so visiting my family which was a week or so ago. He doesn't neglect me or anything. It's really hard for me because I know it's "different" and he is probably not replacing me, but I really don't have the confidence to accept this; not with my traumatic past things and such. He is the most loving person I have ever been with and it's what also makes it so incredibly hard to deal with. With past boyfriends it was actually easier since it was more obvious that they "needed it" and I didn't feel nearly as strong about the relationship. I want to talk about it eventually, but I feel like I don't even know what side I'm on about it. I'm also afraid he will see me as crazy and feel embarassed and I don't want to subject him to that either. I don't want to be a restrictive girlfriend and ban it, but I also can't believe he would watch it when I'm not even gone for that long. I'm having a lot of trouble accepting it as a fact. I know I should talk about it, and this is the first step for me, but if anyone has this experience and also knows what I mean about PTSD, advice is very welcome. Thanks Engage in bdsm sex with a pornstar for therapy.
Author oliviaterces Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 Engage in bdsm sex with a pornstar for therapy. cool, then I'll jump off a balcony 50 floors up.
Fitz Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 You've got it good and don't even know it. I've been on both sides of the fence -meaning I found a girlfriend's stash of porn DVDs. And I've had a girlfriend find porn websites in my internet browser. So I do understand your pain. And sure, there's the pain of having your partner hide their sexuality from you. But at least for me -looking at porn had nothing to do with any possible "short comings" of my GF at the time. I was just horny, I guess. And I still loved (and preferred) sex with my GF over porn. The same is probably true of your BF.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 So far you haven't really cited any deal-breakers when describing your guy. I can imagine that you have issues which make interfacing with your BF's occasional (???) use of porn a bit challenging, but I think you can do it. At least you have a strong inner sense of what you don't want to be or do (under any circumstances, I might add).
Chi townD Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 (edited) If the worst thing he's doing is viewing images on a screen....well, I could think of a lot worse things he could be doing when you're out of town! Guys don't view porn as a way to replace they're girlfriends or wives. For guys, watching porn is like watching sports....just the naked kind. So, let me ask you this. Should he get bent out of shape if he found out you were read 50 shades of Grey? Or you went out with some girlfriends and watched Magic Mike? Should he break up with you over that? Edited July 23, 2012 by Chi townD
mtber75 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 If the worst thing he's doing is viewing images on a screen....well, I could think of a lot worse things he could be doing when you're out of town! Guys don't view porn as a way to replace they're girlfriends or wives. For guys, watching porn is like watching sports....just the naked kind. So, let me ask you this. Should he get bent out of shape if he found out you were read 50 shades of Grey? Or you went out with some girlfriends and watched Magic Mike? Should he break up with you over that? I think you have to seek pro help for your PTSD issues! Yes, men think of porn like watching sports so you shouldn't be worried about it!
dreamingoftigers Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Way to invalidate the OP and how she is feeling about the situation everyone, high five ......
Radu Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Way to invalidate the OP and how she is feeling about the situation everyone, high five ...... You mean, they telling her that it doesn't mean much, that it was probably done for jerk off reasons, reinforcing the part of her that thinks her bf is ok ? This is a forum, therapist don't answer this, the 'seek therapy' advice was pretty good. She had an abusive relationship with her ex, so now she feels insecure with this guy. OP, i'm not a specialist or anything, but i would just ... talk to him. However, do not ask him to remove the porn or ask him to stop using it. Reason being that such demands set a bad example in a relationships and you can subconsciously guilt-trip him into doing other things for you later on in the relationship. Quite frankly, you need time to adjust yourself to what is 'normal' after what happened, what was the time between these relationships and did you seek therapy for it ?
Chi townD Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I think you have to seek pro help for your PTSD issues! Yes, men think of porn like watching sports so you shouldn't be worried about it! Uh huh...yeah...it's called levity. I don't think that what he's doing is that bad, considering you can read thread after thread of some really screwed up relationships. Radu is right, she needs to talk with him. But, I still think what I said is true, there's a lot worse he could be doing.
TG1 Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Just because your boyfriend watches porn, like honestly what is the big deal about whether or not he watches it? It is not like he is cheating on you with the actress in general from the porno movie in general, but for us guys it is more or less having a fantasy, that's all, and that we don't get to act out these fantasies with our women at all and why we don't is because maybe our women just don't want to or they have fantasies of their own by being with other men but yet do we come down on them if they watch porn
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