Lonely Ronin Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 The topic of who approaches who gets routinely comes up on LS, so I thought maybe we should just have a topic about it. I know it's a lot to ask for, but hopefully we can all be civil. In my opinion, a lot depends on the personalities of the man & woman in question, but in general I feel the guy should be the one to approach. However I do believe a woman should not rule out approaching a man if she is really interested. It doesn't mean she is less of a lady, or that the guy is less of a man. It simple means she decided to open a dialogue first. I feel that the initial approach is a lot less stressful for both parties when they both show signs of interest beforehand. A few weeks back I witnessed a perfect example of what i'm talking about. from across the bar I witnessed a guy check a girl out and flash her a smile before he went back to talking to his friends. She did the same a few moments later. after a few minutes of exchanging glances, she played her hand perfectly. She got up and headed to the bar, and as she passed by she looked his way and smiled. A few moments later, he got up and headed after her. I'm not sure how it untimely ended but when my friends and I headed out like an hour later they were still at the bar talking. IMO this is the best way to meet someone, neither is chasing, and both are interested in the other. Thoughts, Opinions?
Cracker Jack Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Yeah, I honestly believe it comes down to the situations at hand. In general, I'd (and I'm not someone who's ever had an easy time doing things like this) prefer to do the approaching--but would definitely be open to a woman approaching me. It's just not something I'd expect, so it ends up not being such a big deal to me. I think your example would be the most ideal situation for anyone to meet someone they're attracted to. However, there have been plenty of times where I've seen signals get crossed....badly. Most of them stemmed from the similar exchanges (smiling, good eye contact, hair playing, etc) that would indicate interest. Overall, I agree that it'd be the best way to meet someone you're interested in. Also, if someone wasn't receiving strong signs of interest, do you think they shouldn't approach at all? Or do you believe they should still give it a try? I guess at the end of the day, you still gotta take that chance, regardless if the possible outcome ends up being one that isn't favorable for you.
threebyfate Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 People take making platonic friends for granted but if you watch people making friends, there's a crapload of subtext. Same goes for attraction. People cue each other all the time. 1
Author Lonely Ronin Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Also, if someone wasn't receiving strong signs of interest, do you think they shouldn't approach at all? Or do you believe they should still give it a try? I think it depends on your read of the other person personality. For example, if I see a woman that seems very outgoing and talkative, and she shows no signs then i'm going to assume she's not interested. If I see a woman who comes off as shy/reserved and she isn't giving me any negative signs I'd bite the bullet and approach if the right opportunity presented it's self. She might be giving off what she considers strong signs.
ThaWholigan Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Subtext is the right word. Subtext is like an entire new world to me, because it's in what you're not saying. When one is able to read all these different elements rather than just basic body language, you start to become more aware about who is open to you, and who really is attracted to you. Occasionally, you will encounter someone who is so attracted to you, that they literally can't help but give you positive subtext in everything, including in basic body language. I had a girl do this to me, she even approached me first, but like an idiot I did nothing . I had a crush who was beautiful, and she was like a queen of subtext. Not so much with body language, but with her words. She would say something that seemed innocent on the face of it, but if you have a little bit of an understanding of how the dynamics of wordplay is coordinated, she was being a dirty little bitch . I became adept at reading is just by being around her, until I started to get bold enough to call her on it jokingly, even with my own little sub-textual remarks. That actually made her more attracted to me for a bit. The way to clock if your advances aren't being reciprocated is if her words are either too vague to be picked up, or simply terse and straightforward. Also clock her body language and expression towards you when all those things are added up. 2
Cracker Jack Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) That makes sense. There have been times where I wanted to approach a woman sitting by herself, peacefully reading a book, but could never do it. I've seen many guys successfully approach a woman reading a book, tho, so I'm sure I can actually place that under the "busy" category anymore. I also know one-word answers often mean a lack of interest. Awhile back when I started talking to a girl about something, she began to show more and more interest towards me. That wouldn't have happened if I didn't make my presence known to her, that's why I wonder if you just have to approach regardless if the signs are actually there or not...sometimes. Edited July 21, 2012 by Cracker Jack
ForgetMeNots Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Mutual signs of interests are preferred, though I find that pending on location or type of individual, sometimes its best to just take a chance and go for it. I always consider that the worst that could happen is that they aren't interested, which that isnt such a bad thing. Instant closure instead of what ifs, and able to sleep like a babe, knowing there is someone who will be more compatible rather than waisting time mentally playing the what ifs game. The real fun begin when striking gold from biting the bullet when they are interested 8D All in all, just gotta learn not to be afraid of getting rejected, it builds a beautiful natural confidence and able to brush off things easier.
threebyfate Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Subtext is the right word. Subtext is like an entire new world to me, because it's in what you're not saying. When one is able to read all these different elements rather than just basic body language, you start to become more aware about who is open to you, and who really is attracted to you. Occasionally, you will encounter someone who is so attracted to you, that they literally can't help but give you positive subtext in everything, including in basic body language. I had a girl do this to me, she even approached me first, but like an idiot I did nothing . I had a crush who was beautiful, and she was like a queen of subtext. Not so much with body language, but with her words. She would say something that seemed innocent on the face of it, but if you have a little bit of an understanding of how the dynamics of wordplay is coordinated, she was being a dirty little bitch . I became adept at reading is just by being around her, until I started to get bold enough to call her on it jokingly, even with my own little sub-textual remarks. That actually made her more attracted to me for a bit. The way to clock if your advances aren't being reciprocated is if her words are either too vague to be picked up, or simply terse and straightforward. Also clock her body language and expression towards you when all those things are added up.Not certain who diagnosed you as aspie but you're really, really not aspie like. More an introvert than anything else, who has woken up to the external social world and is now rapidly absorbing all the data, pinning information into larger frameworks. 3
ThaWholigan Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Not certain who diagnosed you as aspie but you're really, really not aspie like. More an introvert than anything else, who has woken up to the external social world and is now rapidly absorbing all the data, pinning information into larger frameworks. I get that a lot I was diagnosed twice in 2009, by two clinical psychologists. I was also statemented at 5 as having "very strong autistic tendencies and expressive language delay". I put it down to being in a pretty unforgiving environment that I was able to get to where I am now. I'm also grateful that I was able to focus my analysis into social interaction and social games to the level that I have now. To be honest, I learned more from my crush than I did from anyone else. A popular, attractive girl who was more adept socially than nearly anyone I ever knew. Surprisingly she wasn't always that way either. I sharpened my skills at interacting with people (and girls in particular) just by being around her. I also learned from one of my best friends, who was also socially advanced, and made me aware of social games that people play. He was/is a master. I was fortunate.
threebyfate Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I get that a lot I was diagnosed twice in 2009, by two clinical psychologists. I was also statemented at 5 as having "very strong autistic tendencies and expressive language delay". I put it down to being in a pretty unforgiving environment that I was able to get to where I am now. I'm also grateful that I was able to focus my analysis into social interaction and social games to the level that I have now. To be honest, I learned more from my crush than I did from anyone else. A popular, attractive girl who was more adept socially than nearly anyone I ever knew. Surprisingly she wasn't always that way either. I sharpened my skills at interacting with people (and girls in particular) just by being around her. I also learned from one of my best friends, who was also socially advanced, and made me aware of social games that people play. He was/is a master. I was fortunate.Have you read up on transactional analysis pioneered by Berne? If not, consider it, as well as Karpman's version. Much of it surrounds give and take between individuals. In so many ways, economic theory is based on this stuff which too can be applied and implied, albeit some of it assumes rational where in attraction, it can be a lot of rationale. Or maybe that's the major flaw for much of economic theory. You've got the raw intellect to understand and adapt based on what I've read of your posts. 1
ThaWholigan Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Have you read up on transactional analysis pioneered by Berne? If not, consider it, as well as Karpman's version. Much of it surrounds give and take between individuals. In so many ways, economic theory is based on this stuff which too can be applied and implied, albeit some of it assumes rational where in attraction, it can be a lot of rationale. Or maybe that's the major flaw for much of economic theory. You've got the raw intellect to understand and adapt based on what I've read of your posts. Sounds interesting, I'm about to start googling right now You are right though, attraction can be quite irrational in nature . I have to say that much of my intellect is fortunately thanks to the scholarly nature of both my parents that I was born being able to do much of the things that I was and am able to do.
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