Jamesblame Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Remember Why You're Not Contacting Them: 1. Because the relationship and the memories are HURTING you. Talking to them will only keep the memories and relationship fresh. The pain will NOT stop until you start to move on. No contact forces you to get on with your life. 2. Contacting your ex will NOT make you feel better. They will NOT decide they really love you, they won't ask you back, they won't even be too pleased to hear from you. Instead it will be awkward on their end...silences and long pauses before a relieved "talk to you later." Know What The Pain Is: 1. Losing your relationship causes loss. It's the loss of your old life that will bring you the most pain: a.) You don't have a partner to live your life with b.) Your mutual friends and your ex's friends are no longer the same (or even yours). This especially hurts us guys who spend so much of our energy on our gf's friends and life. c.) Your ex's family is no longer in your life (for LTR) d.) Your future has been compromised e.) You have a totally open world...there's nothing holding you back from doing anything. It's overwhelming. These losses and uncertainties cause your stomach to drop and panic to set it. Your body is responding to several existential crises in a physical manner which is making you feel sick, panicked, and running for cover. It's natural and NORMAL to feel this way. We want to go to our ex so that they can comfort us. We want to beg our ex to take us back so that we can gain our life, our friends, and our future back. This will not work. 2. Your heartache and stomach upset, insomnia and headaches are all symptoms of your brain flooding your body with hormones. It will go away within a couple days once you regain normalacy through healthy eating, socialization, work, and exercise. It will take MUCH LONGER if you eat junk, don't sleep, and mope at home. 3. Finally, your pain comes from loving someone who doesn't love you. Imagine an electrical connection. For the past several years or months or weeks, you've expended love and energy on another person, and that person has been sending you the same energy back. Now you're just expending the energy and love without getting any in return. So what do you do? Stop sending it to your ex. Whenever you feel the pain of her absence, just take that pain (love) and consciously move it to your friends, your work, your pets, or more importantly you. Imagine you are separate from yourself. Now donate all that love and energy and put it onto yourself. Talk yourself up, give yourself little mental hugs, and be there for yourself. Imagine you are your ex. And love them *(you) Tricks to Stay Away: 1. Cry and cry for as long as you need. 2. Write endlessly about the relationship. Be relentless and follow every aspect of sadness and fear you have. Analyze them mercilessly: Do you love them as they were or are you afraid that they are the only one who will love you? Will they be the only one to love you? Frankly, your emotions are untrustworthy at this point. Focus on the intellectual, rational aspect of your personality and trust it to lead you to the right place. 3. Do the right thing. You know what healthy behavior is, and you probably don't feel like doing it. Bad behaviors will lead to sad feelings, good behavior will lead to good feelings AND successful outcomes. 4. Have conversations with yourself. I was as good as a schizophrenic the first week of my break up. I talked to myself all the time. I told myself how sad I was, how hopeless I was, what I thought went wrong. And it felt good. (I'm a guy and feel really uncomfortable talking about my feelings around friends and family. People more open can talk with their friends and family about this stuff. ) 5. Realize that the future can NOT ruin your past. Yes your ex did say they love you, and yes they did love you. You loved them, and nothing will change that. The best thing for both of you is to move on and come to terms that the relationship ended. Remember your ex before this last relationship. How devastated are you that they aren't intimately in your life? Probably not that bad. 6. You CAN be friends. The friendship is one of the most painful things to lose in a broken relationship. They intimately knew you, and you loved having them as a friend. That's why you dated them. You can't be friends right now. You're hurting too much, and you have too many romantic connections to them. But you can have a great friendship down the road if you stay out of touch for now , work on yourself, move on, get happy. I love my exes as people, but don't want to be with them in a relationship. You can consider being friends with them when you no longer want to get together, you're not guilty over the relationship, your not sad, and you are moving away from them romantically. When To Break NC No Contact is a way for you to heal yourself. Never break your nc rule until you are a healthy happy individual. You have to have accepted that the relationship is dead, that they don't love you...they may not even like you, and that you're going to be ok regardless. And then, really only break NC if you want to be friendly with them. There's no obligation to be friends. For some people it's just better to move on, for others it's nice to be friends. No Contact will NOT get your ex running back to you . You are not their lover. You are not in their life You don't owe the relationship your future. They don't own your happiness Your ex is not the only one who loves you Your ex is not a perfect partner You are worthwhile, and owe yourself your happiness. 3
tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Remember Why You're Not Contacting Them: 1. Because the relationship and the memories are HURTING you. Talking to them will only keep the memories and relationship fresh. The pain will NOT stop until you start to move on. No contact forces you to get on with your life. 2. Contacting your ex will NOT make you feel better. They will NOT decide they really love you, they won't ask you back, they won't even be too pleased to hear from you. Instead it will be awkward on their end...silences and long pauses before a relieved "talk to you later." Know What The Pain Is: 1. Losing your relationship causes loss. It's the loss of your old life that will bring you the most pain: a.) You don't have a partner to live your life with b.) Your mutual friends and your ex's friends are no longer the same (or even yours). This especially hurts us guys who spend so much of our energy on our gf's friends and life. c.) Your ex's family is no longer in your life (for LTR) d.) Your future has been compromised e.) You have a totally open world...there's nothing holding you back from doing anything. It's overwhelming. These losses and uncertainties cause your stomach to drop and panic to set it. Your body is responding to several existential crises in a physical manner which is making you feel sick, panicked, and running for cover. It's natural and NORMAL to feel this way. We want to go to our ex so that they can comfort us. We want to beg our ex to take us back so that we can gain our life, our friends, and our future back. This will not work. 2. Your heartache and stomach upset, insomnia and headaches are all symptoms of your brain flooding your body with hormones. It will go away within a couple days once you regain normalacy through healthy eating, socialization, work, and exercise. It will take MUCH LONGER if you eat junk, don't sleep, and mope at home. 3. Finally, your pain comes from loving someone who doesn't love you. Imagine an electrical connection. For the past several years or months or weeks, you've expended love and energy on another person, and that person has been sending you the same energy back. Now you're just expending the energy and love without getting any in return. So what do you do? Stop sending it to your ex. Whenever you feel the pain of her absence, just take that pain (love) and consciously move it to your friends, your work, your pets, or more importantly you. Imagine you are separate from yourself. Now donate all that love and energy and put it onto yourself. Talk yourself up, give yourself little mental hugs, and be there for yourself. Imagine you are your ex. And love them *(you) Tricks to Stay Away: 1. Cry and cry for as long as you need. 2. Write endlessly about the relationship. Be relentless and follow every aspect of sadness and fear you have. Analyze them mercilessly: Do you love them as they were or are you afraid that they are the only one who will love you? Will they be the only one to love you? Frankly, your emotions are untrustworthy at this point. Focus on the intellectual, rational aspect of your personality and trust it to lead you to the right place. 3. Do the right thing. You know what healthy behavior is, and you probably don't feel like doing it. Bad behaviors will lead to sad feelings, good behavior will lead to good feelings AND successful outcomes. 4. Have conversations with yourself. I was as good as a schizophrenic the first week of my break up. I talked to myself all the time. I told myself how sad I was, how hopeless I was, what I thought went wrong. And it felt good. (I'm a guy and feel really uncomfortable talking about my feelings around friends and family. People more open can talk with their friends and family about this stuff. ) 5. Realize that the future can NOT ruin your past. Yes your ex did say they love you, and yes they did love you. You loved them, and nothing will change that. The best thing for both of you is to move on and come to terms that the relationship ended. Remember your ex before this last relationship. How devastated are you that they aren't intimately in your life? Probably not that bad. 6. You CAN be friends. The friendship is one of the most painful things to lose in a broken relationship. They intimately knew you, and you loved having them as a friend. That's why you dated them. You can't be friends right now. You're hurting too much, and you have too many romantic connections to them. But you can have a great friendship down the road if you stay out of touch for now , work on yourself, move on, get happy. I love my exes as people, but don't want to be with them in a relationship. You can consider being friends with them when you no longer want to get together, you're not guilty over the relationship, your not sad, and you are moving away from them romantically. When To Break NC No Contact is a way for you to heal yourself. Never break your nc rule until you are a healthy happy individual. You have to have accepted that the relationship is dead, that they don't love you...they may not even like you, and that you're going to be ok regardless. And then, really only break NC if you want to be friendly with them. There's no obligation to be friends. For some people it's just better to move on, for others it's nice to be friends. No Contact will NOT get your ex running back to you . You are not their lover. You are not in their life You don't owe the relationship your future. They don't own your happiness Your ex is not the only one who loves you Your ex is not a perfect partner You are worthwhile, and owe yourself your happiness. Thanks for this... It never gets old hearing the reason for NC. I really needed this today. I now realize that there is no actually timeframe to maintain NC. I will only judge my progress, by my progress!! WOW...that's a cool quote. Side note: I am proud though to have made it almost a mth and a half NC so far... Cheers to me and all my fellow NC-strugglers. We can do this!!!
Tyler. Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Thx man i needed this. A good reminder for everybody doing NC.
magneet Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I am so glad I saw this, this was amazing. It helps so much Thanks a lot.
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