jmjacobs31 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I am officially into my first week of NC. After he ended our 12 year relationship 3 months ago we finally have no reason to communicate with one another. I've told him he won't be seeing our dogs again any time soon, and maybe not ever again. Now I just need to learn to let go. I am really missing my old life as everything has completely changed for me. I miss him like crazy and think about him all the time. I hate that I am hurting so much while he is not. I hate that he treats our breakup like its no big deal. I hate that I still care about him when he has showed that he doesn't care about me. I cant wait till this all get easier.. I know it i will but sometimes I just wish life had a fast forward button.
Ruby65 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Sorry, but no way is he just skipping away from a 12 year relationship like nothing ever happened. He might be living in a bubble of denial and experiencing temporary joy and relief right now..... but it's going to hit him like a ton of bricks at some point! Ironically, you'll probably have processed the pain in a healthy way and be recovered by the time it hits him. His loss. The pain you feel from this breakup can motivate you to make positive changes. 12 years is a LONG time to have your identity shackled to someone else.... now it's time to focus on YOU and improving yourself and your life.
Author jmjacobs31 Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Sorry, but no way is he just skipping away from a 12 year relationship like nothing ever happened. He might be living in a bubble of denial and experiencing temporary joy and relief right now..... but it's going to hit him like a ton of bricks at some point! Ironically, you'll probably have processed the pain in a healthy way and be recovered by the time it hits him. His loss. The pain you feel from this breakup can motivate you to make positive changes. 12 years is a LONG time to have your identity shackled to someone else.... now it's time to focus on YOU and improving yourself and your life. This is what everyone keeps telling me. I ask how can he just move on like nothing happened and they all tell me it will hit him eventually. I think hes going through GIGS as we have been together since hes been 16. I know I have been taking the right steps to healing and have been seeing a counselor and am keeping busy by training for a marathon and going out with friends. The reason he gave me for ending out relationship is that he was not happy anymore and when I suggested counseling he flat out refused. I told him that 12 years is a long time to be in a relationship and I thought we just got in a rut but he decided it was not worth working on. Nothing I can do about that so now I am just trying to become strong and better myself in case he tries to come back so I have the will to tell him no.
fucpcg Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 He moved on, what appears unscathed, because he is burying himself in alcohol. This is what my ex has done, and she treats our relationship the same way, like I meant nothing and that it never happened. The fast forwarding doesn't help much sorry to say, it's been 18 months now for me and I'm only slightly better. It hurts to have given your heart to someone who has an addiction that allows them to just throw everything else away.
Author jmjacobs31 Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 He moved on, what appears unscathed, because he is burying himself in alcohol. This is what my ex has done, and she treats our relationship the same way, like I meant nothing and that it never happened. The fast forwarding doesn't help much sorry to say, it's been 18 months now for me and I'm only slightly better. It hurts to have given your heart to someone who has an addiction that allows them to just throw everything else away. that really sucks! I sure hope I am doing much better after 18 months. I am going through lots of adjustments now, living on my own for the first time, being single for the first time since I was a teenager, paying all the bills and things on my own, stuff like that. Its weird to go from spending every day with someone for the past 7 years to not having them in my life at all anymore. I do know I don't miss coming home to him being drunk or all his other nonsense. Here is hoping for a brighter future!
fucpcg Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 It's tough to lose someone you love to that type of situation. I was lucky, I didn't live with a drunk. After dating 2 months I had enough of the alcohol related problems and broke up with her. She vowed to quit drinking if we got back together (something she had vowed before but not honored), I gave her one last chance, and she did quit, and she was amazing girl. Unfortunately, a year later we got into a fight that led her to going out with her drinking buddies again, and she's been out nonstop since. It ripped my heart out, and it still does. About the only time I feel better about things is when I am at Al-Anon meetings, which I suggest you try. They really give me clarity, the people there help snap me out of things soo much, and I always leave feeling soo much better. A day or two later, I am lost again, because I just want the person I fell in love with to come back. Ultimately she won't though when drinking, because if she ever feels for me or misses me, she just goes and gets drunk, usually gets laid, and goes home and passes out. That was something they were sure to point out to me at Al-Anon, how they don't suffer what we do, because they have the alcohol to numb and distract them. Since we don't do that, we have the memories and the sorrow. It's tough, I know, but you are not alone. Seriously search out Al-Anon when you have a chance.
avi_28 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I went through the same thing with my ex-husband...we were together a total of 10 years and got married right after he graduated from bootcamp (Navy) We had been fine up until the last 4 months till we separated... his reasoning was he wanted to just be on his own for a bit and have no distractions with his Navy career.. Although I knew it my heart it was b.s but I loved him so I just told him how I had been feeling and we took it from there... He will realize the impact of your 12 yr relationship...maybe not now but in time he will...only bc my ex-hubs did 2 yrs later but by that time I was already seeing my guy now (current soon to be EX) Just be strong Hun!!
Author jmjacobs31 Posted July 22, 2012 Author Posted July 22, 2012 It's tough to lose someone you love to that type of situation. I was lucky, I didn't live with a drunk. After dating 2 months I had enough of the alcohol related problems and broke up with her. She vowed to quit drinking if we got back together (something she had vowed before but not honored), I gave her one last chance, and she did quit, and she was amazing girl. Unfortunately, a year later we got into a fight that led her to going out with her drinking buddies again, and she's been out nonstop since. It ripped my heart out, and it still does. About the only time I feel better about things is when I am at Al-Anon meetings, which I suggest you try. They really give me clarity, the people there help snap me out of things soo much, and I always leave feeling soo much better. A day or two later, I am lost again, because I just want the person I fell in love with to come back. Ultimately she won't though when drinking, because if she ever feels for me or misses me, she just goes and gets drunk, usually gets laid, and goes home and passes out. That was something they were sure to point out to me at Al-Anon, how they don't suffer what we do, because they have the alcohol to numb and distract them. Since we don't do that, we have the memories and the sorrow. It's tough, I know, but you are not alone. Seriously search out Al-Anon when you have a chance. I really need to look into attending Al-Anon meetings. I see a therapist and its seriously my favorite day of the week. To have someone help me understand his behaviors is what is getting me through all of this. I know that its better that we are apart as if I would have said its the booze or me he would have chosen the booze. Sometimes its just so hard as he can be a complete douche sometimes. One of the last emails he sent me said "if you need to hate me to get over whatever you need to get over Ill understand"... Get over what ever I need to get over? that was one of the only times I told him "**** you". I do know that I don't miss coming home to him being drunk, I don't miss having to "babysit" him when we are out and I am not sitting at home worrying where he is and if he will come home and that is nice. Instead I am sitting in my own apartment just missing him. At least that will eventually pass.
fucpcg Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I can't tell you the long list of people I talked to about what happened with me and the ex, from psychologists, to child psychologists (she had 3 kids that became a factor, mainly I was very protective of them and her mothering affected by drinking), my sisters, ex girlfriends, on and on and on. My ex accused me of horrible **** when we split, and it rocked my world. One month prior she was telling me she couldn't have imagined life without me, the next month I was a crazy psycho abuser she had to escape from. Nobody helped nearly as much as all the people in the AlAnon meetings. They all talk to me like they KNOW my story, KNOW my ex, because ultimately we all DO have the same story, alcohol. One of my best friend is a PHD Psychologists, and she is amazing girl and amazing friend, as well as amazing at what she does, but even she couldn't relate to me, and help me like the AlAnon people could. A good friend of mine pushed me into AlAnon after my breakup, and it was the one best thing I have done since the breakup. Please go to a meeting ASAP, I believe it will do the same for you.
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