klowzure Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) I'm not jumping the gun, I've had 2 days to reflect on this and I'm still feeling positive/excited/free? after 6 weeks of feeling ROCK BOTTOM, almost suicidal, not being able to see any way past this... something just "clicked", please read. I do love her with all of my heart, she said she loved me too, she said she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me, we are early 20's she is my first true love, we were close for 7 years, in a relationship since january ended in june. I neglected the relationship to a point where she "lost what she had for me", I ruined something amazing and regret it more than anything in my life, I didn't know what I had until it was gone. No contact for 5 weeks after she ended it, then I reached out asking how she could be so cold and heartless to cut me out of her life like I never existed. I was stuck in a cycle of giving myself false hope, dwelling on the good times, my love was so strong her it was killing me inside that I had lost her and she was being so cold, for her it was OVER, I couldn't accept it in myself. Eventually she invited me to her house, and I seen it on her face, and in her words, the way she acted... I can't explain it, but it just absolutely obliterated any hope I had of being with her again, she has no feelings left for me... And I want to describe in words how I genuinely feel inside for the past 2 days and feel now as I'm writing this... Enlightened, free, liberated, positive, optimistic, HAPPY. I know where I'm going in life again, I messed up my opportunity to be with the girl I loved unconditionally, and that's a real shame I'll regret forever, but now I'll go on and live my life with my military career, and maybe one day find another girl I can love just as much and do better having learned from the mistakes I have already made. "Closure:" I don't think it can be defined, it's an area shaded grey and not something you can ask for (I was asking for it but never got it), I think it's situational and comes along itself, something in your mind just "clicks" due to events and before you know it... you accept the reality and feel like you can breath again. Edited July 21, 2012 by klowzure
Samilia Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 you accept the reality Good for you! Now go buy yourself something nice
Author klowzure Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) After 2 days how can you feel good about that? It's like instant pain relief, like I said I've discovered closure while I went to see her, it wasn't intended, I have asked for closure time and time and time again, I never got it because it was impossible for her to give it to me... That is because I now know closure comes from within yourself, and for me it seemed to be this... She finally took me in to talk after reaching out for the 4th/5th/6th time, and when she did we talked, and I subconsciously evaluated the situation we were in together in the same room talking. I got home that night, I went to sleep reflecting on the situation, I woke in the morning and it was clear to me, her actions, words and expressions had killed any false hope I had given myself... I had tried to fight for her, but everything just seemed "gone" for her, accepting that as reality really makes you understand... what can you really do about it? NOTHING, that fact sheds light on your outlook on the situation, it's subconsciously enabled me to see that no matter what I do, she is gone, but my life has to go on... So I got a message to her, explaining that I felt so hurt because I wondered if she had made a mistake walking away, I wondered if she did still love me and if she did then we should still be together no matter what, but I now have closure and I know now that she doesn't love me... I told her that I feel sorry for her because I don't think she understands how much I was willing to be better, make her happy, and that she has missed out on a chance to be with somebody who loves her unconditionally for the person she is, and I guarantee that she will never find that from anybody else, she has been hurt in the past, where are those men now? When I'm on the otherside of the planet in the military, and she is stuck back home in 2nd best relationships being hurt, she will regret not seeing past my lousy mistakes and giving me the chance... I thanked her for finally opening my eyes to this almost 2 months after losing her, and let her know that she ment more to me than she will ever know... I then asked her not to reply. It's closure. Edited July 21, 2012 by klowzure
Author klowzure Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Sorry to be so pessimistic but it comes & goes. I'm been sitting on the edge of life for 6 weeks straight, not 1 moment went by when i didn't feel like i was at rockbottom... after seeing her i found closure, and the last thing i said to her makes me feel like i can breath again. I love her, I miss her and I want her back, of course I do, and I'm still hurting i always will, but i am no longer in that dark dark lonely painful tormenting place you find yourself in when the girl you love leaves you.
Recommended Posts