carig Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Hi There, I need some advice or opinion on my situation as I myself are not sure what to do anymore. My husband (38) of almost 2 years, together for 10 years has the bad habit of staying out all night when he goes out with friends, coming home anytime between 4 - 6am and this morning 7:00am! Now this does not happen very often, a couple of times a year, maybe 4 or six times... He's been doing this since I met him so after so many years it should'nt be a surpirse to me, right. The thing is that after 10 years of fighting, discussing and even talking nicely to him about it, he still does it.... I know why he stays out so late, drinking, drugs and clubbing or what ever... Now my thing is, I always forgive him because I do love him and we do have a good relationship in between these happenings but I am currently 4 months pregnant and are just sick of this behaviour, it's never been acceptable and I just dont know what to do to get him to stop doing it, be more responsible and grow up for pete's sake! I feel like I have reached a dead end with him on this, what more can I do, I have told him hundreds of times not to do it and what I find acceptable, which is to be home around 2:00am on such nights, thats my limit which I dont think is too unreasonable, but surely he does not respect that. I have always given him lots of freedom, so its not like he needs to break out for a change but I am sick and tired having to fight with him about this, why cant he just be responsible by himself? Now I guess my question is, how do I resolve this, do I pack my things and leave, which I will admit I am very scared to do or do I give him an ultimatum? Any advice would be appreciated....
darkmoon Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 maybe his energy level will start to drop as he gets older and he will need to be a stay-at-home
Robert Z Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Hi There, I need some advice or opinion on my situation as I myself are not sure what to do anymore. My husband (38) of almost 2 years, together for 10 years has the bad habit of staying out all night when he goes out with friends, coming home anytime between 4 - 6am and this morning 7:00am! Now this does not happen very often, a couple of times a year, maybe 4 or six times... He's been doing this since I met him so after so many years it should'nt be a surpirse to me, right. The thing is that after 10 years of fighting, discussing and even talking nicely to him about it, he still does it.... I know why he stays out so late, drinking, drugs and clubbing or what ever... Now my thing is, I always forgive him because I do love him and we do have a good relationship in between these happenings but I am currently 4 months pregnant and are just sick of this behaviour, it's never been acceptable and I just dont know what to do to get him to stop doing it, be more responsible and grow up for pete's sake! I feel like I have reached a dead end with him on this, what more can I do, I have told him hundreds of times not to do it and what I find acceptable, which is to be home around 2:00am on such nights, thats my limit which I dont think is too unreasonable, but surely he does not respect that. I have always given him lots of freedom, so its not like he needs to break out for a change but I am sick and tired having to fight with him about this, why cant he just be responsible by himself? Now I guess my question is, how do I resolve this, do I pack my things and leave, which I will admit I am very scared to do or do I give him an ultimatum? Any advice would be appreciated.... Wow! You've been a lot more tolerant that I ever would have expected my wife to be. So right out the gate I have to say that you've put up with far too much. However, he has an established lifestyle and it may not be something he's willing to give up. Maybe he would under the right circumstances but I don't know what those would be and apparently neither do you. It depends a lot on what he's really doing. And I think you know what that "whatever" he does likely includes. If he won't stop and you don't want to or are afraid to leave, just thinking out of the box here... is there anything that you could negotiate? He gets five nights a year and in return you get... ?
standtall Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Hi There, . Now my thing is, I always forgive him because I do love him and we do have a good relationship in between these happenings.. Well that is the reason in a nutshell why he continues to do this....there is no consequences that he is experiencing. You cannot change him, you can only change the way you deal with him,which may or may not get him to stop. Now I am not saying necessarily negative consequences, but I'm with Robert here..some kinda of negotiation. Btw, this part should, IMHO, be a bigger deal than you make it. I know why he stays out so late, drinking, drugs and clubbing or what ever... So he is doing drugs, and your excited to be starting a family with him? What kind of father figure is that? It sounds as if the main problem here is not his staying out all night, but his drug issues. Now even though I am not "herb friendly" myself, I can understand that weed smoking is not a deal breaker for some families. Buuut, most pot smokers mention that they are pot smokers, not drug users as they don't view it as a drug. So what kind of drugs exactly is he doing?
GoodHubby Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Stop tolerating his ridiculous teenage behaviour. Drugs, clubbing, and whatever?? Thats crazy. Being single might let you do some of those things. Married with a child on the way is the other side of the spectrum. I'd recommend contacting a women's support group and tapping into those resources, especially to help you make choices on facts rather than fear.
Trimmer Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Now my thing is, I always forgive him because I do love him and we do have a good relationship in between these happenings but I am currently 4 months pregnant and are just sick of this behaviour, it's never been acceptable and I just dont know what to do to get him to stop doing it, be more responsible and grow up for pete's sake! The problem is, your words are less meaningful than your actions. You tell him it's unacceptable, but you always forgive him. You tell him it's unacceptable, but you chose to go forward with having a baby with him. In spite of your words, these actions are like votes cast in favor of "It's OK." So basically, you have backed yourself into a corner. If you want someone to change, you either have to attach real consequences to your words, or else learn to adapt. I sure wish you had gone through this thought process 5 months ago. Now I guess my question is, how do I resolve this, do I pack my things and leave, which I will admit I am very scared to do or do I give him an ultimatum? Any advice would be appreciated.... Before you issue an ultimatum, have you resolved that you will be satisfied with EITHER outcome? Are you willing to execute if he does NOT change? Or will it be more words without action - one more vote for "It's OK"? 1
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