Emotionally screwed up

[lolano]

Hi guys, I've been lurking for a while on this forum and various other sites looking for advice, just thought i would make a post instead of constantly badgering my friends for advice. A bit of background on my situation - and i apologise for it being a long read.

 

So my now Ex and i were together for almost 3 years, me being 22 and him 25. We went through a lot of ups and downs throughout our relationship but he is truly my first love and it was always the love that pushed us through the hard times. Throughout my relationship with him he broke my trust a lot. Early on in our relationship (the first year), he used to go out with his male friends a lot and flirt, get other girls numbers etc. I only found out about this months later, because i had a gut feeling about these outings of his and i snooped. I know it was wrong to do so and invade his privacy, but when i confronted him he apologised over and over and claimed to have never physically cheated on me. Although there were brief text conversations with these women, they were flirty in nature but never indicated any sexual encounters.

 

After finding out these details i lost a lot of trust in him, but i decided to reconcile with him. Our relationship was quite rocky after that, and he broke up with me saying he did not love me anymore. One month later he tried to reconcile with me and i took him back because i loved him so much. I had little trust in him which caused me to constantly snoop through his emails, facebook etc and everytime i did i would find things such as him active on several dating websites, having conversations with some women telling them how hot they were. He also spent a considerable amount of money on phone sex lines and porn websites. Everytime i confronted him about this he would beg me to forgive him and i caved. We broke up after this but i was still sleeping with him (I know, stupid, stupid), and he was constantly telling me how he wanted to change for me, stop his stupid behaviour and be a better person. All the time he was actually still going out and getting other girls numbers, and the last straw occured when i found out he had called several escort agencies after a night out. I know we were not together at the time but there was definately a discussion about us remaining exclusive, and he was constantly telling me how he would try harder.

 

This man has lied to my face over and over, done these things behind my back, driven me to become a non-trusting psycho who snoops through her boyfriends accounts, and he still maintains he has never physically cheated on me. He is the type of guy that will tell me how much he loves me, call me every morning and night and make me feel so beautiful. He only seems to be sorry when i catch him out for something, always claiming "i was going to tell you". I feel completely manipulated by him, and my head constantly goes around in circles and circles. I have never thought to cheat on him, and i dont consider myself to be unattractive. I'm smart, i go to university and i take care of my body and appearance, and i get a lot of compliments from others. What i dont understand is why he constantly felt the need to look elsewhere? Physically cheating or not, it shattered me to find all these things out about him. I loved him so dearly, we always talked about marriage and growing old together. He tells me over and over that he has screwed up and that he doesent know where hes going in life, has so many family problems etc (I stood by him through all this).

 

Now i just feel stupid for putting up with him. I have such low self esteem and confidence. It has been 4 weeks of NC. I also met a really nice guy, who seems genuine and fun, but i cant bring myself to enjoy his company because i am so mind****ed by my ex and his constant attempts to contact me and try to prove himself. Am i overreacting? I dont believe him when he says he hasnt physically cheated on me, because he has lied to me so many times, and i have been told by others that he's a bit of an idiot and i shouldnt be with him. He has had a history with escorts, which is why i blew up about him calling several brothels. He said he was just doing it to explore what they were about, but never went through with it... I am so weak and confused, and i feel as though i will not have a connection with somebody, nor have amazing sex with someone again.

 

Again, sorry for the long post. I am not coping well, has anyone dealed with a simmilar relationship?

 

Thanks for reading

Edited July 21, 2012 by lolano

[Jamesblame]

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time

 

Its important to give yourself time to grieve. That can take up to 1/2 the length of the relationship. I was a 3 year and it took me 5 months and 1 failed reconciliation attempt to start really moving on without a sadness about how it ended.

 

 

Dating is hard when you're not in the mood. Even separated from my ex, I couldn't even look at another woman. But it passes once you get some closure over the failed relationship. I care for my ex...she was my first serious love, but I know we couldn't work out, and am now happily dating and meeting new people.

 

RE: Trust....

 

This is tough. You are part of a very large club. Lots of people are cheating jerks and it can really screw you up. You've acknowledged that you're untrusting, and now its' time to end that habit.

 

It's not good

It's not healthy

It's not fair to other guys.

 

Lots of people DON"T cheat and not trusting someone because of the past (while understandable) is not healthy or conducive to living a healthy life.

 

Every time you want to distrust someone ask yourself if you don't trust them because of what they did or because of what your ex did. And then if you don't trust them, confront them with your thoughts. Be direct, not passive.

[The Tallest One]

Hi!, straight honest truth here, he's a total 100% scumbag!!! I'm sure you don't want to hear it but you couldn't pick a worse type of guy to date. He's selfish, a pig, treats women like sex objects, doesn't respect you and if I was you, I wouldn't have anything to do with him.

 

This situation has more to do with your self esteem than anything else. I'm not at all trying to be harsh, I'm with you here and trying to tell you that you deserve sooooo much better. Give yourself time to grieve this terrible relationship and start to do things that will improve and build up your self esteem.

 

I can relate, I have low self esteem as well and I'm also hurting from a failed relationship that has messed me up too. It takes time and you owe it to yourself to take care of you and what's best for you. Stay on this site, read a lot and express yourself whenever you like. Hang in there, your not alone!

[lolano]

Thanks for the replies guys,

 

Jamesblame, you're right, its not fair of me to lay out my trust issues on anybody else. Right now I guess i should just try and focus on myself, and not bring anybody else into the equation.

 

The tallest one, lol! He kinda is, the hard part is i fell so hard for him that i only really saw the good qualities he possessed. Although a scumbag, he could really make me feel like a million bucks. In saying that he also did make me feel downright **** about myself.

Im not sure how to begin to grieve. We have some mutual friends and I cannot avoid him sometimes because that would mean avoiding some of my close friends which i dont want to do. Every time i have seen him since i left him, he has tried to hard to make me see how much he loves me, and its just so hard to hear from him because it messes me up. I guess i just have to be strong and constantly remind myself the reasons as to which i ended it. It can be so difficult when you envisioned your whole life with a person..