Telaroca Posted August 5, 2012 Posted August 5, 2012 VF, I've been where you are (more times than I care to remember) and anger does help but the part that you really need to tap into isn't so much about how he feels about YOU because at the end of the day... its all about how YOU feel... PERIOD!!! We tend to focus on the words they tell us rather than the way they TREAT US! If you are left feeling second, then guess what???? Not sure about you but that doesn't leave me feeling "loved". I can tell you that in 3 years, I gave a whole lot more love than he gave me. He took all the love I was giving him, and gave it to his wife. I was everything she wasn't to him and in turn enabled him to stay in his marriage. More times than not, its not intentional for them, they just doing what they need to do to get their needs met.... isn't it time you do the same for YOU?!?!?!?!? Good luck sweetie! I don't envy your position. It is simplistic but it's true. If someone wants to be with you they will be. Where the problem lies is...at what cost? Sometimes they decide the cost is too high to be with the person they want so they stay, or leave. Some WS's, even if honestly in love with their AP's, decide losing their family, kids, status, home, whatever, is too high a price to pay. They are putting that need above the need to be with you. Priorities. Some WS's decide that their marriage is such disarray, which is what led them to the A in the first place, that they have to divorce even if the AP doesn't want them. The price of staying in a dysfunctional relationship is too high. BS's make the same choice after Dday. What price do they pay to stay vs go. It's all balance and what is MOST important to them. My xMM used to say it was selfish for him to divorce. He'd be letting down everyone, hurting a lot of people, just to make himself happy. So I got hurt instead. He decided he could live with hurting me more than hurting whomever else was affected. I understand his decision but it also put into perspective where I ranked in his life. And, like you stated, I'm not saying he didn't love me, I believe he did, but alas, it wasn't enough. All decisions, not just those in affairs or marriages, ALL decisions come down to "What can I live with?" Ultimately you will choose what means the most to you. This is so true! My bf just told me he's not going to give up what he has just for me. I guess that made my decision easier..
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