always_searching Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Wow. It's literally been years since I've been on Loveshack. Oh, how I've missed thee... Now, on to the issue at hand: (Please note that this is lengthy.) So, a lot has gone down since I've last posted on here. The biggest and most recent problem--and what has brought me back here for your all's help--is concerning my new love interest who happens to be a girl. (Note that one of the problems is that I too am a girl...) For those of you who don't know, I'm Catholic. So, issue number one is that I am in love with and dating a girl AND trying to deal with being a Catholic in the process. I mean, I love the Church and I don't really want to leave it, but I also love this girl. Unfortunately, in this instance, I can't have my cake and eat it too...I have to choose. As much as I love the Church, I have never felt quite like this for anyone. That being said, there's more to this story. The circumstances around this relationship are a bit...muddled, to say the least. We met by my answering an ad for a roommate. She had just broken up with someone when I moved in. We got to know one another--we spent many a night talking about her now ex and became friends in the process. Some time in between all of that, we became more than friends. Now, I'm 27 and not a total idiot. The fact that things happened so fast indicated to me that she was on the rebound. I expected as much and wasn't really worried about anything long term i.e. having to leave the Church, come out to my family and friends, etc. I expected the whole thing was just some kind of fluke and would end with us going back to friends/roommates and that she would get back with her ex of many years. Well, I was gravely mistaken. Though her ex wanted her back (and I know she did, because I was present for the phone calls/texts, knocks on the door at 3am, etc.), she stayed with me. After a few weeks, we decided to become an actual "couple," and things were going smashingly........................................................until the ex saw us out together. We were out--holding hands--and her ex saw us. Needless to say, she was shocked and upset and drama ensued--the kind of drama you only see in movies. I mean, don't get me wrong: I understand where the ex is coming from. Granted, she is the one who broke up with my girlfriend, I really don't think she saw this coming. I mean, really: a straight Catholic girl moves in with a lesbian girl who just broke up with her girlfriend and they end up together after a few weeks? It's not a very "likely" story. So, I can see why the girlfriend freaked out: she thought this had been going on for a while behind her back. I would probably think the same thing. As much as I understand where this girl is coming from, she is making my girlfriend's life hell and my own life is being negatively effected in the process. The ex has turned a number of my girlfriend's "friends" against her. She is causing trouble between my girlfriend and her boss at work, who is a mutual friend of theirs. And, what's worse, she's causing a great deal of friction between my girlfriend and I. My girlfriend doesn't even want to go out with me now, for fear that the ex and/or one of their mutual "friends" will see us and cause more trouble/drama. Honestly, I can't blame her, but between dealing with my feelings for the Church, my coming out to family and friends, and the ex: I can't handle my girlfriend flaking out on me. She says I don't understand what she's going through and, truth be told, she's right. I don't. That being said, she doesn't understand what I'm going through. I feel like I've met the one I could spend the rest of my life with and am willing to change my whole life--turn it upside down--to be with her, but she can't even go out with me for fear of causing her ex to be upset. Honestly, I'm convinced she spends more time thinking/worrying about her ex than she does me. I know I'm probably being selfish, but I really need her to be here for me right now. I mean, I already told my mom and a few of my close friends, but most of my closest friends are Catholic--Orthodox Catholic--and will freak out, or at least be extremely disappointed, when I tell them that I am in love with and dating a girl. Plus, I feel like I'm losing my whole life in the process of all of this, because for four years now the Church has been my whole life. If I leave the Church, I'm going to need her unwavering support, and I don't feel like I have that right now. For the past few nights I've told her that I'm about to lose it--which is the truth--and that if this issue persists, I can only be her friend until she and her ex and their mutual friends somehow work this out. She has thus far been interpreting this as, "I'm breaking up with you," which isn't the case. I am just putting things on hold so that she can work this out and I can be safe until I know she will be there for my inevitable fall when I leave the Church, tell my friends, etc. Honestly, at this point, we're driving each other crazy. I want her to be there for me during my transition, whereas most all of her waking moments are focused on how things went down with her ex and their friends. I understand that this is a transition for her too, but I can't be there for her as her girlfriend during all of this--it's killing me on the inside. I feel like a selfish bitch, but I mean, I feel like my being with her and nagging her for how she is dealing with all of this is far more selfish than my putting up a wall on the romantic front and remaining her friend during this fiasco. I'm posting this on Loveshack because I really need some feedback from people who have the ability to be objective. Am I right in how I'm handling this? Am I being too demanding/asking too much from her? Part of me wants to contact the ex and talk to her--assure her that this really did just happen and was not at all taking place while they were together. I feel like that is a huge part of her problem and, from what my girlfriend has told me and how she interacted with me when she saw us together, she honestly seems like a pretty good person, despite how she's been acting as of late. (Love makes people a little crazy, right? I mean, I could easily be her...) God, I wish I knew what to do. I love my girlfriend and I don't want to lose her, but I don't know if I can wait forever for her to get this straightened out. I mean, I'm good at waiting--waiting is my middle name--but if I'm going to make my own major life decisions, I want to do it sooner rather than later. That being said, if this, for whatever reason, doesn't work out: I doubt I would date another girl ever again. One thing I can attest: women are flipping crazy! :eek: (Just kidding! Mostly...) Thanks in advance, everyone, and it's good to be back!
JustJoe Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Ok, here's the deal. Your GF still has a lot of unresolved issues with her Ex, plus she is experiencing friction in her social group, because of the breakup. This is not much different than in a hetero relationship, where two people who are part of a social group decide to call it quits. There will ALWAYS be conflict, and members of the group taking sides with one or the other. If I were you I would be more concerned about the fact that your GF was dumped by her ex, instead of the other way around. She (your Gf) clearly still has feelings for her ex, after all, she wasn't the one who ended it, was she? I would be very careful about making any commitments with her. Do you think that she would go back to her ex, if the ex changed her mind and wanted to? As for your issues, coming out, and all that entails, should be done from a standpoint of a stable relationship or background. My advice would be to cool it with the GF, get your sh*t together about your priorities, become the Lesbian woman you want/need to be, and perhaps find a Church that is excepting of gays. If the relationship is meant to be, it will survive.
Author always_searching Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Thanks for the response, Joe. Actually, my girlfriend ended it with her, which is why the ex went a little unstable when she saw us together and was calling, texting and stopping by at 3am.. I think she had it in her mind that they would get back together. However, I think you're right about most everything you said. I just don't know how to leave the best thing I've ever had in my life--the Church and its community. When I converted, I finally found the love and community that I had always been searching for. However, I also am in love with this girl, but the whole situation is driving me crazy. I just want to be with her and not have to worry about all this. You're right, though--these issues would be present in a heterosexual relationship.
maysj18 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I'm sorry you're struggling so much spiritually. Just rest easy that although the church may be leaving you, God certainly isn't. Also, I'm not sure how you feel about it, but God will NOT stop loving you because you're gay. Anyone who says otherwise is absolutely wrong. Now, the only thing to really do is tell your girl what you just told us. It's not easy, but you're in a vulnerable state and if she cares, she will understand.
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