I wish I knew the truth

[ConfusedAndAngry]

I'm just looking for some insight. I'm unsure what to do. To sum up the last four years-it has been hell. I met my H on an online game. Didn't even know it was a guy based on his female avatar. We decided to finally meet after 7mos of game play. He was everything I ever wished for. Handsome, dark, beautiful...I was mind blown right away. He lived in maryland, I lived in new york-six hours apart but we made it work. I got pregnant right away during our courtship, he initially denied the child as his stating he couldn't get a woman pregnant. Soley based on his previous seven year relationship in which neither partner used protection and no pregnancy ever resulted, so he assumed, it was my EH. When I was 5 mos pregnant he came to see what the gender was after the ultrasound proved conception only happened during the window of our weekend flights of fancy. I was to have a little girl. I was so excited, I had a son and several miscarriages that eventually caused my first marriage to dissolve. Then the doctor came in and told us our daughter had a highly fatal birth defect and it was impossible to tell her odds based on ultrasound, but give or take 50/50-after so many miscarriages, that was still a good chance for me. Our daughter was born and was on life support and eventually died on the 28th day of life. I am withdrawing from the trauma as much as I can to get to my point. A friend of my H, a woman, said unto us "**** happens" when she learned of our daughter's death, at that point I told him she was dead to us! My daughter wasn't even entombed when this wicked venom was tossed my way. I should also mention, this woman, has had no respect for his previous seven year relationship and has made advances, in which he told me he was disgusted by it, he felt uncomfortable around her and this was the breaking point for him. To which, she later stated she was drunk and didn't mean her words, don't care... After my daughters death, I hit a breaking point. I quickly got pregnant with our son, 5 mos after her death. I stayed in NY until I gave birth, shortly after, I moved my two sons with me to MD to be with him. First couple of mos was great, even though I sorely missed my friends, family, career and house, but, for love, what move is too great?

 

In short, I lost everything. Over the last 2 yrs, he has disappeared, bills stopped getting paid, he spoke w/other women stating it was in the attempt to make friends for me when confronted (when I asked the other women, they had no idea who I was), I was accused of getting a job because I didn't need him, he accused me of cheating on him with his friend, and joined groups that were dedicated to men proudly cheating on their wives (in which, he replied someone hacked his account and made him join those groups and he had no idea). After working for a few months I saved enough to put new tires on my car, he didn't like this, he twisted my back and dislocated two ribs. I forgave him...then married him...like a dumbass.

In febuary, he sent strawberries and flowers to my job. When I got home, I saw scratch marks all over his torso and back and heading torwards his groin...I didn't give them. I asked if he was itchy, he said no. I took a few snapshots to ask the docs just on the off chance it was dermatitis, it wasn't, I knew in my heart it wasn't, but acted concerned. Over the last few mos, he's been insane. Going off at everything. In april, he jumped on the hood of my car when I was simply trying to leave from an argument. I feared for my life and the boys life, the police were called and I stayed with a coworker. I talked to him after the same song and dance of "I love you, I don't know what's wrong with me". I told him if he didn't get help, I would leave, file for divorce and leave. So he does...the psychiatrist tells him, before medication is prescribed he must go to his GP and have a blood draw done. Good thing...

 

Prostate cancer....

So, like any loving wife, I told him, I won't let you go through this alone. The past is the past, now we know why you've been acting insane. He starts HRT and things got better...or so I thought. I found a string of texts to his friends that he wanted to divorce me, making me look like the worst imaginable person, lies....On father's day, I awoke to find him downstairs, I grabbed a blanket, covered him, kissed his temple and went to remove his cellphone from his hands, in which "I'm so F****** hard right now" was written. Confused, I read the whole text...he started the conversation with detailed description of his anatomy and what he'd do with this woman and read her responses to him,how they wished for each other and wished they were together. Low and behold it was my enemy...the woman he told me for four years he hated, he was disgusted by her... When I asked him...his reply is "It was a joke". He still denies any relations with any other woman and still says it was a joke. The other woman won't speak to me.

 

I feel like such a fool for believing everything, everything he ever told me. Marrying after I swore I wouldn't again...Moved my children away from any family they had, friends I had. I feel so hurt, so lost, so angry. I can't let go of this pain. How could he do this? How many chances to you give? I know religion states to forgive, but how can I? I was lied to, cheated on...abused mentally and physically. The hardest part is, this behavior isn't a constant. It starts, then stops, then starts. It's like I'm captivated by him..I want to trust him, I do, I want to believe him, I want to also believe this is a nightmare and I'll wake up soon. Can you make something like this actually work? I willingly gave up everything for this relationship, our child died, I thought HE was going to die...now I feel so dead inside. I know I will go back to therapy soon, but I don't want a therapist to tell me one way or another to leave or to stay-honestly, I just want the damn truth and then I can let the truth decide whether or not I can. How the hell do I make him tell me the truth?!

[whichwayisup]

It seems you really didn't know who he was when you got involved with him. He definately isn't someone who can be trusted, someone who appreciates you. He sounds selfish and obviously a cheater and an abuser too.

 

I usually don't tell people to throw in the towel too quickly but in your situation, I AM telling you to pack up and leave, take the kids with you and go back to NY. He isn't worth fighing for, since it seems he has no interest in being husband material. Sick or not, his behaviour is awful and he doesn't deserve you looking after him, let alone you to be his wife.

 

. A friend of my H, a woman, said unto us "**** happens" when she learned of our daughter's death, at that point I told him she was dead to us!

This is absolutely disguisting! What a horrible person she is. And your H is scummy to get involved with her.

 

I am sorry for the loss of your daughter. That's something nobody should have to experience, so my heart goes out to you.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Sounds pretty awful I'm so sorry. There's usually people on here who have had some kinda of similar experience. Many of us are betrayed spouses. I stripped out your questions, I notice a lot of people give advice on whatever they want and not what's asked. I do it too so focusing on your questions will help me as well.

 

How could he do this? How many chances to you give? I know religion states to forgive, but how can I?

There's a line between enabling and forgiving. If you know he has changed and the abuse will stop then you can forgive, other wise you are just enabling his behavior if you attempt it.

I was lied to, cheated on...abused mentally and physically. The hardest part is, this behavior isn't a constant. It starts, then stops, then starts. It's like I'm captivated by him..I want to trust him, I do, I want to believe him, I want to also believe this is a nightmare and I'll wake up soon. Can you make something like this actually work?

It's up to you...is it worth it? What are you getting out of this? Is he a good father. I had to deal with much less and I had to give up on my marriage for my own sanity's sake.

 

How the hell do I make him tell me the truth?!

You really can't. You have control over you, your actions, the situations you put yourself in. That's it.

 

You can tell him that the only thing that restores trust is the truth, hard truth, not the "Look I'm not cheating now!" kinda truth..if even true...but he has to decide to tell the truth himself. If he doesn't, either you accept it for what it is or put yourself in a different situation. Figure out what your boundaries need to be and if they are crossed you can remove yourself from that situation.

[BetrayedH]

You have plenty of truth in order to make a decision about staying or leaving. He hasn't even left much to the imagination. Well, that's not true. I know what the imagination can conjure up. I'm sorry; it's not pretty.

 

Just run. This is obviously a toxic relationship and one that your kids don't need any longer. But the longer you are away, the more clear it will be that it was the right choice and, if anything, you will ask yourself why you waited so long.

 

Your only questions right now should be how fast and how far.

 

Edit to add: nearly every religion, including Christianity, lists infidelity as the one justifiable reason to divorce.

[2sunny]

I will never know ALL of my exH truth. I mainly know what his evidence showed me - and what my gut was telling me.

 

That was enough for me to start checking for evidence. It was shocking what I found... And the person he had become opposed to the person he led me to believe he was.

 

While he was telling me not to buy groceries for the next two weeks because we couldn't afford it - I found he had bought her gifts that week that amounted to nearly 5,000.00!

 

Unbelievable how dishonest people can be!

 

I didn't need to know more - I was so done right then and there. 23 years together GONE!

 

I didn't need anymore "truth" - I had my evidence...

[standtall]

I just want the damn truth and then I can let the truth decide whether or not I can. How the hell do I make him tell me the truth?!

 

So confused is that what you want the posters to help you with? Oh, BTW, sorry to hear that you hooked up and fell for this snake..even though it was self inflicted to a degree. No one deserves to be treated 1/10th of the way you have described here.

 

BTW, he is gaslighting you and a pathological liar, and there is no real way of getting him to tell the truth, even if you catch him in the act as he has aready shown. He most likely is/has cheating/cheated on you and will continue to do so. Forget the truth..it is irrelevant....You need to leave and get what you entitled to as far as support for you and your daughter.. Get an attorney and get the ball rolling

[BetrayedH]

I understand wanting the truth. I still want it and I'm almost a year and a half into this and been separated/divorcing for 6 months.

 

It doesn't happen.

[msgrey24]

I praised you for being a good and loyal wife. I think you've already did your part as a wife fairly. They won't blame you if you pack your things and leave with your children away from him. God is always fair, there will be the time that he will feel and experience the same as yours. Just focus for the future of your children and bear them and make them as good as you and with fairness in life. I salute you.

[Steadfast]

One of the hardest things we can do is give up on someone. There's always a part of us that wants to 'fix it' and when we can't, we begin to search for the answer. Maybe someone else knows? Maybe there's a magic formula?

 

But there isn't.

 

People are judged by their actions. Not their intent. And yes, we can judge someone...not their soul, but we can determine whether or not we want to associate with them...emulate them or be influenced by them. If we determine their actions are destructive or that we're being taken advantage of, our only course of action is to let them go. You aren't leaving him, you're coming to an understanding that he either left, or was never really there. He did not honor his promise. His words are empty.

 

Take what's left of your life and move on. Cherish what's good and real and reject what isn't. You've been advised well. Listen to that advice.

[datura_noir]

Wouldn't happen to be LR, would they?

[datura_noir]

I am only posting this reply because he sounds a whole lot like an ex of mine who now lives in MD. But in any case, cut your losses. It sounds like the bad far outweighs the good here. Sorry if that sounds a bit harsh, but physical abuse and the drama that both precedes and follows it is not healthy to raise kids around. They will thank you later in life if you just leave now while you are still able.