Silly_Girl Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I have been reading here for more than 4.5 years, and I cannot recall a time where the WS has come home and confessed....once, maybe twice, that they were in an affair. Well, it happened in my scenario and I remember others saying it happened that way too and I've been here for half as long as yourself, Spark.
anne1707 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Well, it happened in my scenario and I remember others saying it happened that way too and I've been here for half as long as yourself, Spark. I told my H about my affair - I just could not lie anymore
delirious Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I told my H I was in love with someone else and he loved me. My MM has told his wife that he is having an affair - although she didn't ask him to stop, she has had proof it was me, in her face from someone else, she chooses not to talk about it and live separate lives. Then she contacted the entire family to come and stay at various times so that they are never alone. She won't answer the phone or contact me. And as for someone saying that the only way it was acceptable to tell her would be for altruistic reasons, what poppycock. At our stage in the relationship, It would be far better for everyone to know. But some people think status is far more important.
Silly_Girl Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Or, I presume, if the WS is ready to move on, which I believe was the case with you, Silly Girl. Are there any WS out there who tell planning to continue both the affair and the marriage? Especially when it's long term affairs, not just ONS or flings. Well, you're right, he did plan to move on, but then DIDN'T and was splitting his time between the house with her and her trying to persuade him to stay, and staying at my house with me and her knowing where he was and why. That was not a nice situation for anyone. I had plenty to say about that!
Silly_Girl Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 But wasn't it at least better that the situation was out in the open? Would you have preferred it to remain a secret? I demanded it wasn't a secret. It was the part I hated most. Not that I was a 'dirty little secret', I wasn't, but that she was being lied to and not given the facts. She was making decisions on a day to day basis that might have been different had she known what the future held. I felt that was uncalled for. I meant it was difficult because it was emotional and tense for everyone, his brother strongly recommended he move out then tell her he had gone rather than this awkward drawn-out facade that occurred. But yes! No secrets please
beenburned Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 trinity, Why do you think the WS that does confess waits to tell until the affair is over with? sleepie, Most WS's, that were like my H, only learn their lessons after they have to pay the consequences for cheating. I feel like the ones that never get caught will keep up their bad behaviors because they got away with it.
Got it Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 trinity, Why do you think the WS that does confess waits to tell until the affair is over with? sleepie, Most WS's, that were like my H, only learn their lessons after they have to pay the consequences for cheating. I feel like the ones that never get caught will keep up their bad behaviors because they got away with it. I would speculate that they tell afterwards because that bridge is already blown up so they are not actually choosing between the affair and the marriage. The affair is done, they are, for lack of a better word, recommitting to the marriage (caveat to this is if they ended the affair because of some moral reason and then properly told their spouse). They are coming clean but have less to lose at this point as the affair is done. Yes and no if someone will do it again unless they have been exposed. That is really subject to their mindset, why they felt they did it, whether or not they felt it was an appropriate and/or reasonable coping mechanism, etc. I do think one could address that on their own and commit to not cheating again. I speculate the percentage would be much lower but it could be done. It is really about the whys someone cheated. Just like I don't feel exposure will necessarily prevent someone from doing it again. It again comes down to the whys and whether or not they feel it is an acceptable and reasonable coping mechanism. If the latter is true for them, for any reason, then you are going to see a much more probable recurrence. Cheating is a coping mechanism, a bandaid, or an acceptable action to an individual. Knowing which one, knowing the reason why, breaking it down and changing/fixing the why, will be a better chance of it not happening again. Without that you have a dry "drunk" at best. 2
woinlove Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I would speculate that they tell afterwards because that bridge is already blown up so they are not actually choosing between the affair and the marriage. The affair is done, they are, for lack of a better word, recommitting to the marriage (caveat to this is if they ended the affair because of some moral reason and then properly told their spouse). They are coming clean but have less to lose at this point as the affair is done. Yes and no if someone will do it again unless they have been exposed. That is really subject to their mindset, why they felt they did it, whether or not they felt it was an appropriate and/or reasonable coping mechanism, etc. I do think one could address that on their own and commit to not cheating again. I speculate the percentage would be much lower but it could be done. It is really about the whys someone cheated. Just like I don't feel exposure will necessarily prevent someone from doing it again. It again comes down to the whys and whether or not they feel it is an acceptable and reasonable coping mechanism. If the latter is true for them, for any reason, then you are going to see a much more probable recurrence. Cheating is a coping mechanism, a bandaid, or an acceptable action to an individual. Knowing which one, knowing the reason why, breaking it down and changing/fixing the why, will be a better chance of it not happening again. Without that you have a dry "drunk" at best. I've seen statements claiming studies find about 2/3 of people who have cheated once went on to cheat again. That suggests 1/3 change after a single incident. Such important change requires a lot of work and commitment, many will fail despite their intentions. Going through the pain and guilt of watching the effect on one's spouse and family can be expected to stimulate some people to change. Given that most people have difficult making real change, it would be unusual - but not impossible - for a person to cheat once, end it, not tell anyone, and not cheat again (unless it was due to a temporary mental instability or such). First, they would have to be motivated and just feeling they love their spouse won't be enough if that wasn't enough to prevent them from cheating the first time. Telling likely has a dual effect on not cheating again. First, it shows the person has already made a commitment to change by choosing honesty where before there was secrecy and deception. It's the first step toward taking responsibility for one's choices. Second, they face the consequences head on and going through that will make it more likely they have the motivation to sustain true change. 3
Got it Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I've seen statements claiming studies find about 2/3 of people who have cheated once went on to cheat again. That suggests 1/3 change after a single incident. Such important change requires a lot of work and commitment, many will fail despite their intentions. Going through the pain and guilt of watching the effect on one's spouse and family can be expected to stimulate some people to change. Given that most people have difficult making real change, it would be unusual - but not impossible - for a person to cheat once, end it, not tell anyone, and not cheat again (unless it was due to a temporary mental instability or such). First, they would have to be motivated and just feeling they love their spouse won't be enough if that wasn't enough to prevent them from cheating the first time. Telling likely has a dual effect on not cheating again. First, it shows the person has already made a commitment to change by choosing honesty where before there was secrecy and deception. It's the first step toward taking responsibility for one's choices. Second, they face the consequences head on and going through that will make it more likely they have the motivation to sustain true change. Okay but what do the studies show from those that have been "exposed", been exposed to the consequences, and were repeat offenders. I think there are many examples of such. To me it really comes down to the person's core. For some the consequences are just not that much of a priority. Yes I do agree that independently telling is a sign of trying to own the behavior though the caveat to that is in what manner has the person told? Was it in a sympathetic bearing of one's soul or thrown out in a fight to wound the other person. Both are independently telling but for different purposes.
woinlove Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 Okay but what do the studies show from those that have been "exposed", been exposed to the consequences, and were repeat offenders. I think there are many examples of such. To me it really comes down to the person's core. For some the consequences are just not that much of a priority. Yes I do agree that independently telling is a sign of trying to own the behavior though the caveat to that is in what manner has the person told? Was it in a sympathetic bearing of one's soul or thrown out in a fight to wound the other person. Both are independently telling but for different purposes. I agree with all your points. Clearly, not every one changes no matter how much pain they feel and witness. Some people live their whole lives repeating such pain. And factors besides consequences come in, such as the person's core values/maturity, their circle of family/friends (those surrounded by people who cheat are more likely to cheat), how much remorse they feel,... 3
woinlove Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 My xSOs were both serial cheaters. Confessing didn't mean anything when it came to repeating their behavior. Serial cheaters need to hit rock bottom as with any addiction, and in my xSOs' case that had nothing to do with confessing. They confessed after every affair and then went right out there and did it again. For many, confessing is rock bottom as they see what their betrayal has done and feel remorse, but I agree that for serial cheaters this may not even be close to rock bottom. Serial cheaters may lack empathy for others and/or lack skills and/or values to control their own behavior. 1
anne1707 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 But that was after the affair ended if I am not mistaken? I do think it is common for the WS to wait until the affair is over. I know that was the case with my SO's long term affair. He told me after it was over. But as is typical of affairs, it was not a "clean" end and a lot of cr*p went on between me and the exOM for months after I told my H. It was also only days after it had ended so emotions were all over the place. I was an absolute mess. I did not tell my H with the aim or reconnecting with him. I told him because I could not lie to him any longer. To be honest, I had pretty much assumed telling him would end our marriage but I could not abuse his trust any longer. Oh and thank you for bringing up past posting history Trinity. I know how much you love it when people do that to you. 1
beenburned Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 anne, So your reason for telling was not anything like what Got It described.(affair was over and the WS was recommiting to the marriage) You confessed because you felt guilty for lying to your H and abusing his trust in you as his wife. My H got caught on his 3rd affair, but lied and said it was the only time he had ever been unfaithful. He feared if I knew the whole truth I would divorce him.(I would have) Fast forward, almost 20 years later(kids are grown), he sat me down and confessed the whole truth about what really happened in the early years of our marriage.(3 affairs) Do you think he was just tired and guilty of living all those years with all the secrets? Because at that point in time we were fully reconciled and happy. Or do you think he wanted to honestly give me the choice about staying with him based on the truth that was denied me years ago?(since the kids were now grown) I want to add that after our d-day he did everything to change all his bad habits/behaviors. He fully committed himself to me and our marriage.
anne1707 Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 I would wonder whether he was ashamed that he had not told you everything all those years ago, that there was still a lie between you and he felt he had taken advantage of you and wanted to finally put it right - speculation only of course. 1
sad puppy Posted July 22, 2012 Posted July 22, 2012 My xMM confessed the affair. He did it after they agreed to divorce. His wife wanted to see a therapist to find out "how to tell the kids". He was rushing her a little to make the appt, and she asked him "why, was he having an affair" a couple times. He said, quite simply, yes. When I asked him why he did that, he said because "he was happy". What an idiot. All hell broke loose. Now, months later, he said it was the worse thing he could've done. Hell, yeah. Because the kids know, and they're too young to understand. Plus, he messed up his big plans for a "good divorce". I felt it was stupid and unnecessary, as it made things confusing for the kids. Well, at least she knows his true character. And hopefully takes him to the cleaners. Divorce should be final within a month or so.
frozensprouts Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 thought about this, and it hard to say what a betrayed spouse would feel if they got a phone call/email knock on the door, etc. from the other man woman letting them know about the affair... If I were to answer with how I feel and what I know now ( from this site, not my own situation), i'd like to think that if it were to happen to me ( and it better not:laugh:), that I'd think it was because the other woman felt bad, had some empathy for me, wanted to do the right thing and give me the knowledge that i wasn't getting any other way so i could make informed choices about my life. I'd be hurt, angry, whatever, but not at her If I were to answer with how i would have felt at the time I was going through it myself and I didn't know the things I know now, i would have hated her and wondered why she all of a sudden cared about my marriage now that their affair was over when she didn't care one iota before thy broke up...why tell me now? Is she just trying to hurt me and since she can't be happy, i shouldn't either ( I know now that most other men/women aren't like that though)
mercy Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 thought about this, and it hard to say what a betrayed spouse would feel if they got a phone call/email knock on the door, etc. from the other man woman letting them know about the affair... If I were to answer with how I feel and what I know now ( from this site, not my own situation), i'd like to think that if it were to happen to me ( and it better not:laugh:), that I'd think it was because the other woman felt bad, had some empathy for me, wanted to do the right thing and give me the knowledge that i wasn't getting any other way so i could make informed choices about my life. I'd be hurt, angry, whatever, but not at her If I were to answer with how i would have felt at the time I was going through it myself and I didn't know the things I know now, i would have hated her and wondered why she all of a sudden cared about my marriage now that their affair was over when she didn't care one iota before thy broke up...why tell me now? Is she just trying to hurt me and since she can't be happy, i shouldn't either ( I know now that most other men/women aren't like that though) It felt awful. She was mean spirited, full of hate and very cruel. She warned h that if he broke it off she'd call me and make his life a living hell. Well, she tried. I believe God can and does take a tragedy and turns it into a miracle. When she realized that no matter what she said or did I was going to forgive, she was not a happy camper. In the end all I felt for her was pity.
frozensprouts Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 For those who think BSs should be told the truth by the OW/OM, does this apply too when the OW/OM have no intention of ending the EMR, but are feeling empathy for the BS being kept in the dark? How would you feel about such an OW/OM approaching you? this a situation when a betrayed spouse really deserves the truth. But I wonder what the outcome would be? In more than just a few situations, when the betrayed spouse finds out about the cheating, their wayward spouse suddenly wants nothing more than to be with them and to keep their marriage. I don't know why this happens ( I am sure there are a lot of different ideas about it)
anne1707 Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 In the immediate aftermath of the revelation of the affair, yes. When things calm down, the WS then once again is likely to pursue both the marriage and the affair. Only thing is the affair is now deeper underground. In some cases, maybe. In other cases, the affair does end because the WS finally realises what they have risked by having an affair and decide it is no longer worth it as they want to be with the BS. 2
beenburned Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 trinity, Yes, a BS needs the truth in order to make better choices about how she wants her life to be.(it is self protection since the WS does NOT have her best interest at heart) Example: As you know my D is in the middle of a messy divorce. It was OW#1 that called her first, then later OW#2 also called. Neither of them called out of empathy for my D! They BOTH wanted revenge on her H for lying and using both of them for years.(promising both marriage) They supplied my D with all the evidence needed to prove he had been cheating for over half of their marriage. She immediately kicked him out on d-day and filed for divorce. Since both affairs lasted about 5 years, my D would have been better off emotionally and financially, if the OW would have told her while the affairs were in progress. She would have been rid of him a lot sooner!
beenburned Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 FS, I think most WS's are so selfish/self centered that all they think about when d-day hits is all the financial consequences, and them being kicked out of the house. I don't think at that time it's about losing the wife at all. I think it is all about losing their entire lifestyle, and looking bad to family and friends when they find out the truth. For the Ws's that are truly remorseful and really love their wife, it finally dawns on them what all they risked for a little bit of fun on the side!(even if it takes a while after d-day for it ALL to sink in) These types of WS's are the ones to do everything in their power to correct their bad behaviors and fully commit to the marriage/wife. 1
BetrayedH Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 For those who think BSs should be told the truth by the OW/OM, does this apply too when the OW/OM have no intention of ending the EMR, but are feeling empathy for the BS being kept in the dark? How would you feel about such an OW/OM approaching you? I really couldn't care less about the motivation of the OM. I might not be thrilled with him but in the end, the last thing I would want to do would be continue living my life clueless about the fact that my dedication to my spouse was not being returned. It's the REST OF MY LIFE for Christ's sake. Somebody clue me in, please. Would I be angry with the OM for having an affair with my wife? Sure. Would I be more angry if he was telling me with more selfish motivation in mind? Sure. Would it "help" if they told me out of remorse? I suppose. But all of that is just plain inconsequential compared to needing the information. I didn't put a whole hell of a lot of thought into my WW's OM. He was a guy that had an opportunity to get laid with a sexy married woman. The real problem is that my marriage was (unbeknownst to me) in a state of disaster. I needed to be doing SOMETHING. Someone (anyone) clue me in. I guess I can understand OW/OM thinking that how "we" feel about you is important. The fact is that we don't think much of you. Over time, I think that has the potential to change. I've learned a lot over the last year that has helped me sympathize with some OW considering the lies they are told by their MM. Others, not so much. But again, how I feel about you is pretty irrelevant compared to the fact that I need to make decisions about my life. I deserve to know. Would SOME betrayed spouses rather NOT know that their spouses were cheating and continue living their lifestyle? There are certainly some anecdotal reports of that happening. But I suspect those are few and far between. It probably seems like more because most BSs are in shock when they find out and do get angry at the messenger regardless of who it is. In my sitch, the other BS was initially upset with me for telling her. A few days later she apologized and thanked me. The safe bet is on the person wanting to know so they could make a decision. And I think most agree that they deserve to know rather than people watching them continue to be lied to and played for a fool. 4
mercy Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 For those who think BSs should be told the truth by the OW/OM, does this apply too when the OW/OM have no intention of ending the EMR, but are feeling empathy for the BS being kept in the dark? How would you feel about such an OW/OM approaching you? I would have loved her having a little empathy towards me but that wasn't the case. I did tell her though that if she wanted him come and get him, his stuff would be in the front yard and he'd be at the curb. She hung up on me. Either way trinity, I'd want the truth. Would you?
BetrayedH Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I also don't get the whole, "It's not my place" to tell concept. It wasn't your place to be in the middle of their marriage either. So it's the place of the WS to tell? Hope we're not holding our breath on that one since the WS has clearly shown a pattern of, um, not telling. The OM/OW has a choice. Regardless of their previous choices being right or not, this is another choice. Do the right thing and tell someone that deserves to know or, like Pontius Pilate, wash your hands of it. Saying it's not your place is a nonsensical argument that just defers from making the ethical choice. The fact is that you have a choice; it is right there in front of you. Do the right thing. 3
frozensprouts Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 FS, I think most WS's are so selfish/self centered that all they think about when d-day hits is all the financial consequences, and them being kicked out of the house. I don't think at that time it's about losing the wife at all. I think it is all about losing their entire lifestyle, and looking bad to family and friends when they find out the truth. For the Ws's that are truly remorseful and really love their wife, it finally dawns on them what all they risked for a little bit of fun on the side!(even if it takes a while after d-day for it ALL to sink in) These types of WS's are the ones to do everything in their power to correct their bad behaviors and fully commit to the marriage/wife. I was fortunate in that my spouse was the latter... If I'd found out that he had pretended to reconcile but still kept seeing the other woman, I would have marched him over to her place, tied a bow around him and umped him on her doorstep...he'd have been her problem then and not mine ( I suspect that more than a few betrayed spouses feel the same way)... but if that had happened, and I were her, I'd never trust him one bit. All his behavior would have shown is that he was capable of great deceit in order to have his needs met...she may have believed that he'd somehow be different than her, but as the saying goes, a leopard doesn't chnage his spots, and the next time his relationship didn't measure up to whatever goal it was that he'd set in his mine, he'd cheat again ( and his affair was hardly an "exit affair" as if it was, why would he fight so hard to not exit?) very glad none of that happened though
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