sleepie Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 ...does this also apply to revealing the info if the other MM/MW's BS would find out, too? I'm curious. Seems to be generally thought that the OW/OM should never go to the MM/MW's BS and spill it all out. But if two married people have an A, and one of them confesses/reveals to their BS, almost certainly the other BS in the event will find out the information, too. Most likely because BS #1 will go straight to BS #2. So isn't that kind of the same thing? Or, because they're both betrayed spouses, they get a pass on the whole spilling secrets thing?
Owl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) ...does this also apply to revealing the info if the other MM/MW's BS would find out, too? I'm curious. Seems to be generally thought that the OW/OM should never go to the MM/MW's BS and spill it all out. But if two married people have an A, and one of them confesses/reveals to their BS, almost certainly the other BS in the event will find out the information, too. Most likely because BS #1 will go straight to BS #2. So isn't that kind of the same thing? Or, because they're both betrayed spouses, they get a pass on the whole spilling secrets thing? Hmmm...well...wouldn't you think that BOTH BS's deserve to know the truth? Why should anyone be denied the truth? I get that some very small percentage of folks don't want to know (but I'll be honest with you...unless they've already emotionally checked out of the relationship, I'd find it REALLY hard to accept that they truly would rather live a lie)...but really most folks want to know if they're being cheated on. For a lot of reasons. It let's them make informed decisions using information about their partner that they were previously denied being the primary one. So yes...I'm of the opinion that the BS should be told, even if there's a risk that they may go and 'inform' the other BS. Why would you expect anything less? Why would that not be an expected, acceptable response by any BS? Thought I'd add...you'll find that "...generally thought that the OW/OM should never go to the MM/MW's BS and spill it all out" is the mindset on most OW/OM forums. Most BS's actually feel that the OW/OM really SHOULD tell, if they know and are at the point where they feel that it needs to be known. Most BS's would rather someone...ANYONE...tell them the truth about the situation than to be left in the dark. The folks who feel it's not the OW/OM's "place" to tell...are nearly always OW/OM who have their own reasons for not wanting to be told upon. Edited July 20, 2012 by Owl 5
woinlove Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 ...does this also apply to revealing the info if the other MM/MW's BS would find out, too? I'm curious. Seems to be generally thought that the OW/OM should never go to the MM/MW's BS and spill it all out. But if two married people have an A, and one of them confesses/reveals to their BS, almost certainly the other BS in the event will find out the information, too. Most likely because BS #1 will go straight to BS #2. So isn't that kind of the same thing? Or, because they're both betrayed spouses, they get a pass on the whole spilling secrets thing? In general, I advocate in favor of honesty and openness with one's spouse and, with others, treating them how one would like to be treated or how one might treat a friend. I did once tell a friend that her H was cheating on her and it ultimately led to the end of the A and to repairing their M. 1
Author sleepie Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 I don't know, I was just curious. I noticed some threads here where OW consider going to gheir MMs W, and most people say No. So I wondered if it was different when both are married.
woinlove Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I don't know, I was just curious. I noticed some threads here where OW consider going to gheir MMs W, and most people say No. So I wondered if it was different when both are married. The reasons against this usually are one of or a combination of: to keep the OW's life as simple as possible given the circumstances, the BW is not likely to believe the OW given her role in the deception, the OW may be acting out of revenge and that may make her feel bad about herself. Others may be responding with a view to loyalty to the MM or xMM. And still others do think the OW should tell. 1
Owl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I don't know, I was just curious. I noticed some threads here where OW consider going to gheir MMs W, and most people say No. So I wondered if it was different when both are married. It's not...typically the ones who say no are the ones who wouldn't want to have their own situation revealed. It's mental ju-jitsu to help them mentally manage the dichotomy created when they themselves engage in behavior that they know "should" be revealed, but prefer it not to be. That's where the whole "its not my place to tell" mindset comes in. And as I've said...you'll notice it's almost always in direct opposition to what you'll hear from most BS's who've been through that very revelation. 2
Tenacity Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 It's not...typically the ones who say no are the ones who wouldn't want to have their own situation revealed. It's mental ju-jitsu to help them mentally manage the dichotomy created when they themselves engage in behavior that they know "should" be revealed, but prefer it not to be. That's where the whole "its not my place to tell" mindset comes in. And as I've said...you'll notice it's almost always in direct opposition to what you'll hear from most BS's who've been through that very revelation. Not in my case. I am a former OW and had no problem with my situation being revealed - in fact it was revealed (I didn't do the revealing, and never would have). I am of the mindset that no one situation is alike, and that no one can know the situation in another relationship, therefore I believe it should be left to the married person in an A to inform (or not inform) their spouse. I think that many people in an A tell their affair partner's spouse just to get revenge or because they are hurting and want the W to hurt too or to cause pain to the MM and perhaps even to cause disruption in the M - all terrible reasons to do so. I did talk to my ex-MM's W after MM told her about the A. Her comment was "I wish I had never found out".
mercy Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Not in my case either. I'd love to have our relationship revealed but it's not my place to tell. Would he be mad at you if you told?
goodthingscome Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I'm curious. Seems to be generally thought that the OW/OM should never go to the MM/MW's BS and spill it all out. I'm confused. Seems like what I have read and experienced the OW/OM can't WAIT to spill their guts to the BS when the affair is exposed..... I shake my head at the mindset of the OW/OM. While the affair is going on it's ALL about keeping it between the MM/MW and the OW/OM the BS isn't even considered, much less important. But that changes once the affair ends, then all of a sudden the OW/OM gets a serious case of integrity (not) and that the BS NOW has the right to know what a jerk they are married to. What the OW/OM doesn't get is, they are no better and they actually look worse in my opinion because they knowingly chose to cheat with this person, they also lied to and deceived others... but when the crap hits the fan, they like to cry foul?
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Not in my case either. I'd love to have our relationship revealed but it's not my place to tell. If he ended the A with you, would you call his wife and tell her the truth? I ask this because MANY OW on here say they would never tell, but when the A ends, all of a sudden they feel the need to tell the wife the truth - That she deserves to know what her husband has been doing behind her back for so long.. Yet the desire of telling rarely happens while the A is going on. 1
Tenacity Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I agree and I am of the opinion that so many OW/OM don't want the BS told because I believe 99.99% of the time, the cheater will beg for forgiveness from their spouse, which leaves the OW/OM dumped and having to finally deal with the fact that the married person really wasn't into them as much as they had thought. I think this forum is great but what really drives me nuts is that people find it necessary to generalize. Your statement is an oxymoron because at "99.99% of the time", you are leaving only 0.01% to any other beliefs except yours and therefore it isn't your "opinion" but would have to (statistically speaking) be the result of intense research involving a huge number of subjects. An opinion is just that - an opinion. There are no statistics involved. I don't understand why it is so difficult for people to open their minds enough to be willing to accept that their opinion (based on their own narrow experiences) may very well not be the ONLY answer. 2
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I think this forum is great but what really drives me nuts is that people find it necessary to generalize. She, like I, (or is it like me...lol grammer!) is basing this on LS stats. From what we've all read on here. That isn't generalizing at all.
Tenacity Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 She, like I, (or is it like me...lol grammer!) is basing this on LS stats. From what we've all read on here. That isn't generalizing at all. WWIU: I really respect you and your experience and your advice. But I don't see where anyone can quote LS stats - I haven't seen any LS stats, certainly not to the level of the second decimal point to the right of 99%. I just don't agree that in this particular situation, that the poster really has anything other than a general opinion to offer - just like my general opinion or anyone else's. In this thread, in fact, if were were to do statistics, that opinion would not rule. 1
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Maybe stats is the wrong word to use here.. I'll stick to from what I've read and replied to, I've seen a lot over the years on here. Many people generalize, we all do it at some point.
2sure Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Without doing a lot of research, and just looking at this site...if you look in the infidelity forum it's safe to say that more than most BS would want to know. I think, without any scientific research at all , that I'm safe in saying that more than most people want to know all about important life changing aspects of their lives. Not all, of course.
Tenacity Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Maybe stats is the wrong word to use here.. I'll stick to from what I've read and replied to, I've seen a lot over the years on here. Many people generalize, we all do it at some point. I have the utmost respect for your 45,000 posts here. You have read a lot more than I have. I guess it just bothers me when people dismiss other opinions than their own. I am a physician and do research for a living, so the comment about 99.99% really hit me wrong. And my own situation was different than this opinion, and it just seemed like it was being invalidated/ignored with that statement, after making my post. Thanks for your reply WWIU
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I have the utmost respect for your 45,000 posts here. You have read a lot more than I have. I guess it just bothers me when people dismiss other opinions than their own. I am a physician and do research for a living, so the comment about 99.99% really hit me wrong. And my own situation was different than this opinion, and it just seemed like it was being invalidated/ignored with that statement, after making my post. Thanks for your reply WWIU Aww thanks T. You rock! I'm not dimissing your opinion, I'm sorry that it seemed like I did.
beenburned Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 sleepie, I am confused by your question. You talked about OW telling or not telling, and the advise they get here from many OW about telling the BW. But the question you asked was should the BS, when they find out about the affair, tell the other BS! Before d-day, the BS is the only one that doesn't know about the affair, she is deliberately kept in the dark so that the affair can continue. The other BS is also lied to and kept in the dark about the truth of who their spouse is and how they are deceiving them. I am a long ago BW. I would have been very happy if anyone had told me about my H's cheating with multiple OW! With the truth, I could have made informed decisions about how I wanted my life to go.(married or divorced) 1
woinlove Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 sleepie, I am confused by your question. You talked about OW telling or not telling, and the advise they get here from many OW about telling the BW. But the question you asked was should the BS, when they find out about the affair, tell the other BS! Before d-day, the BS is the only one that doesn't know about the affair, she is deliberately kept in the dark so that the affair can continue. The other BS is also lied to and kept in the dark about the truth of who their spouse is and how they are deceiving them. I am a long ago BW. I would have been very happy if anyone had told me about my H's cheating with multiple OW! With the truth, I could have made informed decisions about how I wanted my life to go.(married or divorced) This is what we hear from most BS, that they want or wanted the truth so they could make decisions based on reality. It has been suggested that sleepie's H knows the truth but doesn't want it articulated. I don't know if that is the case, but if it is, that must be it's own personal hell, knowing something is true but not wanting it spoken out loud. Must be a lot of internal contortions and suppression that goes on to maintain that state. More often the BS doesn't know the truth and even if suspicious, doesn't know how to reconcile that with the image they want to have of a trustworthy and faithful spouse, and often the WS is trying to present themselves as faithful. The only thing with having "anyone" give the truth is that the OW/OM must be one of the least trustworthy sources from the BS's point of view. The BS may not believe them, particularly when the WS denies.
beenburned Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 wo, If Sleepie's situation is as you say, she should be very worried! Her BS can suddenly abrupt into a violent rage over all the things he is trying hard to suppress. This type of case usually leds to unexpected murder in a fit of uncontrollable rage! I understand completely about the BS not trusting the OW's word.(due to the WS's continued lies and gaslighting and denials) If the OW does contact the BW with the truth, they should have some type of evidence to support their claims.(texts, emails, receipts, etc.) This applies equally to a BS that contacts the other BS!(proof that the WS can NOT deny) My D will be eternally grateful to her H's 2 OW that supplied her with all the evidence she needed to get a divorce, based on his adultery.(we live in a fault state) She has been temporarily awarded child support and alimony, with more things to come upon the finalization of the divorce.(her lawyer fees paid, half of all the money he spent on both OW, half of his 401K and pension)(Both of his affairs lasted for over half of their entire marriage)
sad puppy Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 She, like I, (or is it like me...lol grammer!) is basing this on LS stats. From what we've all read on here. That isn't generalizing at all. Can you please guide me to that statistical research here on LS? I must have missed where those stats are posted on here. Is this a statistical body of work based on a fairly large group of people with varying positions filling out a questionnaire and where the analytical research is posted? I, too, have seen a lot of "stats" thrown around as to justify someones's position but as you say, this "is based on LS stats". Where can you guide me to see the results, ie, stats of this research? I would find this most helpful to see the stats which have been compiled. You say "it's not generalizing at all", so please provide this body of work to confirm what you say.
alexandria35 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Can you please guide me to that statistical research here on LS? I must have missed where those stats are posted on here. Is this a statistical body of work based on a fairly large group of people with varying positions filling out a questionnaire and where the analytical research is posted? I, too, have seen a lot of "stats" thrown around as to justify someones's position but as you say, this "is based on LS stats". Where can you guide me to see the results, ie, stats of this research? I would find this most helpful to see the stats which have been compiled. You say "it's not generalizing at all", so please provide this body of work to confirm what you say. I think WWIU explained herself already in a later post on this thread
Silly_Girl Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 IMO, most ow don't tell out of a sense of loyalty to the mm, (usually very misplaced) and they have been told a numbers of reasons (cough cough) as to why they can't come clean. Usually they are buying time because they are cake eating, or just simply lying their asses off to the ow and the wife. I also think the reason a lot of ow won't tell the truth in the event of a d day is she feels a false sense of protection for him and likely nipping at her heels is the fear that she won't be chosen if the truth comes out although there are instances that when an ow finds out she has been played for a fool, (lying about being married or separated) and she tells the truth to all. I'm of the later. I knew why he wasn't telling his wife, in the period before he told her... He was scared. Of her reaction, of her friends' reaction, his reputation at work, his religious parents who don't approve of divorce, being skint, and all sorts of other stuff. I threatened to tell her but didn't, not out of loyalty to him but because I felt SHE deserved to hear it from him. So they could have the conversations they needed to have, mature and civil. So they would have a better chance of salvaging a friendship out of the wreckage. I would have told her, however, if he hadn't. Even if it meant he dumped me. 2
delirious Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I agree on here LS most BS say they would want to know regardless of who told them. I have tried to talk to BS whilst my love affair with MM is still going on, usually when I wanted to end the limbo,however, she does not answer the phone. I have rang many times over a six month period, once checked she was in at the time. MM has tried to tell her, she won't talk about it. So we just continue as they live separate lives anyhow. I think Owl was right that she has fully checked out emotionally so does not want to know, anyhow so that's ok as long as she keeps up appearances and gets the check every month. 1
dreamingoftigers Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Yeah, the BS wants to know. He/she may hate your guts for a bit. By why should ow/om care about that? The only way the BS doesn't want to know is if mm/mw has made you sound like some kind of nut.
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