goingnumb Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I've posted before - I think a year ago? At any rate - I have been having on and off problems with my hus. for about two years, mostly due to intimacy related things. I take several antidepressants as it runs in the family and we have four children to raise. They meds help me A LOT! But, the side effect is a lack of intimacy/sex drive. My partner has an extremely high drive and wants constant affection/intimacy. I just don't. I have NO interested. I've been to a psychiatrist and for many reasons, mostly stemming from childhood and resentments through the years in my marriage, I apparantelt "switched off." She tells me once a person mentally "switches off" as I have they don't normally recover. I spoke with someone I am very close with and she said that what it boils down to is that one of us has to accept and live with the other person's needs. I feel in my heart that a man really cannot go without intimacy as that is how they show their love toward their wife/companion/gf, etc. We both know this is the elephant in the room but I am afraid to actually bring it up. Any advice? Be kind please.
Gunny376 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Sorry I don't have time to go into detail about (More Later) but really quick its been my experience that the one thing so-called experts are really good at? Is being wrong ~ primarly because they become jaded, throw a "cover-all" blanket, treat any and all as the same and not as individuals. Just off the top of my head it would seem that (and we all need to do this about everything from A to Z throughout the course of our lives) is to re-train your brain. Think outside of the box, become creative, imaginative. There are plenty of couple who while maybe mentally and emotionally capable are no longer physically able to be intimate. Yet they don't seperate and divorce.
Jethro Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I'm sorry, but I've been there, my stbxw is bi-polar amoung other things and on a cocktail of drugs. Her sex drive is non-existant, maybe becasue of the drugs, maybe because of our marriage failing... who knows. Either way I can tell you, you probably shouldn't be married anymore. The sex thing was a serious issue for me, and caused a LOT of problems.
Author goingnumb Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 I've been to therapy (A lot) and we, as a couple have been to therapy as well (as well as a couple's retreat). It's not so simply as to just get creative. There's a mental block, and the meds don't help and it is simply unfair to ask him to be in a "friendship" husband/wife. It's quite complicated with a complicated past involving abuse of alcohol, and a submissive expectation etc. It's better now, but I just want NO parts of even causal intimacy. This makes him feel unwanted and I do understand and feel bad, but it spills over into everything. I feel bad for the kids as I just don't think this marriage will survive.
jwi71 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I've been to therapy (A lot) and we, as a couple have been to therapy as well (as well as a couple's retreat). It's not so simply as to just get creative. There's a mental block, and the meds don't help and it is simply unfair to ask him to be in a "friendship" husband/wife. It's quite complicated with a complicated past involving abuse of alcohol, and a submissive expectation etc. It's better now, but I just want NO parts of even causal intimacy. This makes him feel unwanted and I do understand and feel bad, but it spills over into everything. I feel bad for the kids as I just don't think this marriage will survive. What are you looking for? What, specifically, are you hoping LS can help you with? Are you seeking ways to remain M w/o physical intimacy? Are you looking for ways to "pleasantly" bring up D? What's YOUR goal here?
Author goingnumb Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Does anyone really ever know concretelty what they are looking for? I guess off the top of my head - a separation to sort out our feelings, but still remaining friends, which I know is a fairytale.
jwi71 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Does anyone really ever know concretelty what they are looking for? I guess off the top of my head - a separation to sort out our feelings, but still remaining friends, which I know is a fairytale. So you've answered your own question. You want a separation - preferably an amicable one. I would simply ask for it - sit down and ask for time apart to sort out feelings and better determine if the M is salvageable. I'd also suggest: 1) a time limit. 2) ground rules during the time apart (can you date others? Money? Time spent together? Custody/visitation?) 3) family involvement (extended family, in laws and so on) Good luck.
Author goingnumb Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 So you've answered your own question. You want a separation - preferably an amicable one. I would simply ask for it - sit down and ask for time apart to sort out feelings and better determine if the M is salvageable. I'd also suggest: 1) a time limit. 2) ground rules during the time apart (can you date others? Money? Time spent together? Custody/visitation?) 3) family involvement (extended family, in laws and so on) Good luck. I would love to say he would go for that, but I can honestly say he'll NEVER go for that. He won't leave, even if I ask him to. I know - I have been married for 21 years. Just an aside - I feel broken down - he has a covert way of pointing out my flaws in such a way as to have myself convinced I am crazy. Religion is also a big, big deal. It will be one tangled mess if we move forward with this, but living the way we have been living for over two years is no picnic and frankly I want to feel normal again.
jwi71 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I would love to say he would go for that, but I can honestly say he'll NEVER go for that. He won't leave, even if I ask him to. I know - I have been married for 21 years. Just an aside - I feel broken down - he has a covert way of pointing out my flaws in such a way as to have myself convinced I am crazy. Religion is also a big, big deal. It will be one tangled mess if we move forward with this, but living the way we have been living for over two years is no picnic and frankly I want to feel normal again. You seemingly ask for help separating and then turn around d with reasons separating won't work. Yet you seemingly paint a picture of a unsatisfactory life and M. You "can't" leave and it won't get better. Don't know what to say in that case. You made your choice: stay in the M and complain about how bad it is. It's your life and your choice. Also your consequences. Good luck to you however you choose to live.
Author goingnumb Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 You seemingly ask for help separating and then turn around d with reasons separating won't work. Uh, no I did not. I asked for advice on our situation if you read the beginning of the thread. I said ideally separation would be best, but he won't go for it! You "can't" leave and it won't get better. Don't know what to say in that case. Perhaps you should actually READ the response. I said HE won't leave if I ask him to. This is why I came on here TO GET ADVICE! You made your choice: stay in the M and complain about how bad it is. Screw off buddy. I don't WANT to stay in the marriage or else I wouldn't be in this forum. I mistakenly thought this forum of sep/div was to get advice on the best way to maneuver sticky situations such as ours, not to get brow beat by you.
tojaz Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) GoingNumb, I just spent some time reading your past threads and I see that both of them are very short lived once something is brought up that you really don't want to hear. When a thread starts on LS there is often not enough information for anyone to formulate any sort of substantial advice or opinion on a situation so many people will try and follow up as best we can to narrow down the root causes by asking questions or by posting what we "hear" when we read your posts. Thats not anyone saying thats how your words are intended. As of this posting LS is made up of over 205,000 members from all over the world and each with their own unique way of thinking and communicating. There is a learning curve that anyone that chooses to respond to you will have to go through before communication is willing to mesh. That requires patience, and a willingness to clarify if someone makes a "bad read" on your situation, just as someone writing a reply needs to maintain some patience while you learn to communicate in this format with people who have been here for years and thousands, and in some cases tens of thousands of posts. At the end of the day, regardless if you agree or not with the opinions given. Aside from the occasional bad egg that comes to forums like these intent on malice. All of the people who come here and volunteer their, time, thoughts, and in most cases knowledge coming from their own personal and painful life experiences, do so out of the good of their heart and with a true intent to help others. There isn't a single person here that gets to send you a bill at the end of the month or even be rewarded with a kind hug or heartfelt handshake. Yet many check in everyday and are willing to become dedicated to people they have never and probably will never meet solely because they found this site and asked for help. Something to keep in mind before you pick up your defensive posture with anyone, be it here, out in the world, or in your marriage. If your still here and still needing help, there are people here willing and eager to give it to you, but you have to do your part as well. So if you are still here, I would start by asking what has changed? Intimacy wasn't a problem in your marriage before I am assuming, mostly based on the fact that you have 5 children with your H. TOJAZ Edited July 21, 2012 by tojaz
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 First things first... Work through your resentments and anger problems. That way you may be able to see your part in it more clearly - and what changes are necessary moving forward.
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