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Is my head in the clouds or am I just being put on the back burner?


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Posted

I've been talking now since March to a man who's 10 years younger than myself. He's from the UK & we do have plans to meet-up when I fly over for a visit this autumn. He is doing the arranging too, of the plans so that, he can come up to meet me where I wouldn't have to go out of my way.

 

We actually started talking on a forum & it was really not a love situation.

 

Now, we literally e-mail each other daily & we talk on the phone either once or twice a week. I am still though, hung-up over the idea that he's 10 years younger than me b/c I feel we're in different worlds. He is only moving out this month where I've been on my own since 19. He didn't go to college & I did. He just started his career whereas, I've been in mine over 10 years now. Even our families are different.

 

Lately, we've begun some talk about relationships, love, marriage, life. However, he keeps e-mailing & telling me on the phone he has profiles out here & he goes out weekly to meetup.com parties. I don't have any single friends SO...I can't go to these parties & I won't go alone.

 

Way back in the begining, he did tell me he wasn't attracted to large people yet, he has remained my friend & he is very flirtatious w/me. He's always asking me too on FB, if I met anyone & how's things going, etc?

 

Bottom line, what do you think is his deal w/me?

Do you think it's just b/c I'm American & he wants to look cool?

Or, is he keeping me on the back-burner using me in case he does have feelings but, he can't express them?

Is he leading me on?

Is he trying to make me "jealous" so that, I'll admit something to him?

 

My dream is to move to the UK.

I've been there now 12 times & #13 is in the fall.

I specifically like one city but, I would be in a village there. I've job-hunted over there but, they just won't take an American if they can hire one of their own. Plus, I don't want to go over alone where I'll have no job, no place to live, no visa.

 

Bottom line, what do you think his deal with me is?

Be as brutually honest as you can then maybe I'll make light of all of this & stop feeling stressed about it.

 

Thank you!

Posted (edited)
Do you think it's just b/c I'm American & he wants to look cool?
Hard to say. I know you said he's 10 years younger than you, but unless he's still a teenager, that's a rather juvenile reason to be with anyone.

 

Or, is he keeping me on the back-burner using me in case he does have feelings but, he can't express them?
I don't see how you could call it "being put on the back burner." You talk to each other all the time.

 

Is he leading me on?
Leading you on about what? He hasn't asked you to be his g/f has he? If not, and especially since you have never met, you have no "official status" as anything but as an internet-buddy and a friend.

 

Is he trying to make me "jealous" so that, I'll admit something to him?
Admit what? Are you trying to say you think he wants you to admit you're falling for him so that (doe-eyed sigh) he'll feel comfortable enough to reciprocate and admit the same?

 

My dream is to move to the UK. I've been there now 12 times & #13 is in the fall. I specifically like one city but, I would be in a village there. I've job-hunted over there but, they just won't take an American if they can hire one of their own. Plus, I don't want to go over alone where I'll have no job, no place to live, no visa.
Well first of all hun, you can't just pack up your bags and move over to the UK no matter how much you love it or hate to do anything alone. You have three choices when it comes to staying there longer than what a "general visitor" visa allows:

 

1. Enroll in a qualified higher-ed program and gain entry/live there while you're studying on a student visa.

2. Find an employer that is willing to sponsor you and facilitate you getting a work visa. Your best bet is via an American company which has offices in the UK and would be willing to transfer you there.

3. Marry a UK or EU citizen which will allow you to live there and eventually work.

 

Given that, I wouldn't waste any more of your time "applying for jobs over there" in hopes your dream will come true, and instead spend time getting the facts and working a plan. For more info about UK immigration/visa issues, take a look here.

 

Bottom line, what do you think his deal with me is? Be as brutually honest as you can then maybe I'll make light of all of this & stop feeling stressed about it. Thank you!
I think the question really is, what's the deal with you? From reading your post it seems to me even though you may be a bit older than this guy and have some "life experience" under your belt as far as attending college and starting/establishing a career when it comes to interpersonal relationships you're less experienced and confident on that score.

 

You say you don't have any single friends, you would never go to something like a meetup.com event on your own nor would you ever up sticks and work/live in another country by yourself.

 

From that I surmise, other than work, you have a lot of time on your hands and spend most of it alone. If so, perhaps being online has been an outlet for you "to be more social" without the usual "risks" of putting yourself out there -- especially since you apparently have body issues and probably have been rejected or never even get a chance with someone due to your size.

 

The fact this guy is aware of that and still talks to you -- in fact, is even willing to meet up with you when you visit his country -- has thrown you for a loop. Maybe it's your inexperience when it comes to interpersonal relationships, maybe it's because of your "love affair" with the UK, but IMO I think you're reading all too much into things at this point and need to chill out.

 

There's a lot of water that needs to flow under the dam before you'll have any idea of what the two of you want out of knowing each other. Take it one step at a time.

 

You say he's making all these plans to meet up with you -- fair enough, but wait and see if he really shows up and how he behaves when the two of you spend time together in person.

 

The two of you may be good internet buddies, but dynamics offline are often different. Until you spend time together in RL there's no way either of you with certainty will know if there's any spark between you that you both agree is worth pursuing.

 

Absolutely nothing may develop as a result of you two meeting. Or, it might result in both of you being interested in being more to each other than friends. No one knows what will happen -- including the two of you at this point in time.

 

Bottom line? Stop driving yourself crazy with all the "what-ifs" and instead realize the best way to approach things is to have no expectations and see where things go.

 

As an aside, *I hope* you've thought about taking precautions in meeting up with this guy for the first time. I don't care how interesting, interested and trust-worthy he's come across as, don't let your heart or fantasies run away with your head. Most of all, be safe and don't be foolish.

 

Best,

TMichaels

Edited by TMichaels
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Posted

Thanks TMichaels....

 

Again though, am I being put on the back burner?

He's seen my photos too & knows my appearance but, still wants to meetup.

We just talked this morning via the cell.

 

I am puzzled on what to do, regarding him.

Posted
Thanks TMichaels....

 

Again though, am I being put on the back burner?

He's seen my photos too & knows my appearance but, still wants to meetup.

We just talked this morning via the cell.

 

I am puzzled on what to do, regarding him.

 

Not sure what you're thanking me for as obviously you didn't read what I wrote or you wouldn't be asking again.

 

So, one more time:

 

Stop driving yourself crazy with all the "what-ifs" and instead realize the best way to approach things is to have no expectations and see where things go.
Best,

TMichaels

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Posted

Again though, am I being put on the back burner?

He's seen my photos too & knows my appearance but, still wants to meetup

So do you genuinely think he wouldn't want you as a friend? Why should there be anything else involved? He's being a good friend wanting to meet you when you get there and show you places. He will surely want you to have a good impression of his country.
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Posted

I do not know where this friendship will lead but, as of Saturday I've now thrown-in-the-towel regarding love. I am just so done & tired of all of the options I've tried only to receive nothing.

 

I wish everyone lots of luck. Cheers.

Posted

It sounds like he see's you as an online friend. From what you've said it doesnt sound like theres any romantic aspect to the relationship, at least on his part. He has said he is on dating sites and meeting people so he's not giving the impression theres any exclusivity between you, and he's asked have you met anyone, so obviously he is not under the impression you consider it to be exclusive. It sounds like he's asking as a friend or to make conversation.

 

Friends do not worry about age gaps or physical appearance because it is just a friendship. It sounds like he is meeting you because youve become friends and you will be in his country so why not meet up. I dont think you should consider it a romantic encounter because from what you've said there is no indication that he does.

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Posted
It sounds like he see's you as an online friend. From what you've said it doesnt sound like theres any romantic aspect to the relationship, at least on his part. He has said he is on dating sites and meeting people so he's not giving the impression theres any exclusivity between you, and he's asked have you met anyone, so obviously he is not under the impression you consider it to be exclusive. It sounds like he's asking as a friend or to make conversation.

 

Friends do not worry about age gaps or physical appearance because it is just a friendship. It sounds like he is meeting you because youve become friends and you will be in his country so why not meet up. I dont think you should consider it a romantic encounter because from what you've said there is no indication that he does.

 

Hi,

I do agree with you on certain terms but, here's what's going on in my mind:

 

1) If he's NOT interested in me then, why is he constantly e-mailing?

2) Why would he constantly want to know when we'll be calling each other, it's like we have to schedule it b/c he's there & I'm here plus, our jobs & times are different.

3) Why would he constantly ask what's going on in my romantic life?

4) Why would he constantly ask what's going on w/ my dating profile sites?

5) He's always talking to me about what he wants, who he wants & what he wants his life to be.

6) He's asked me alot of advice about his job, family matters & moving to another home. He's given me specific details about moving & he even asked me to stay w/him a while once he got his new place at the end of this month, early August.

 

Just asking b/c in my mind & call me weird but, it's like, I feel he's interested in me but, he is still going out, playing the field, weighing other options. Then, he's still keeping me on the back burner until I arrive in the fall for my trip. I feel then, he'll see me & decide if he's interested in pursuing further or he'll make his mind up right at the last minute that he does NOT want to meetup b/c that's happened to me w/ men from the UK before, they promised the world & made plans then, cancelled at the last minute or never showed/called/FBooked, etc.

 

The men I did meet from the UK have all been nice but, no attraction or love was felt despite our years of talking on the phone & online interaction.

 

I just don't want to anticipate or expect anything.

Nor do I want to be broken-hearted & burned once again....

 

So, I hope you & others will understand me a bit better now. Cheers.

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Posted (edited)

You are correct, he is intersted in you, those type of questions he keeps asking is a sign that he has interest in you. I really doubt his putting you on the back burner, he sounds like he really wants to meet you. I can understand why you are being abit weary when it comes to it, cause you said you dont want to be broken hearted again. Thats understandable, you tend to set up self defense mechanisms after the first time so you wont get hurt again and i think this is why you are questioning wheather his guy actually likes you or wants to put you on the back burner.

 

I might of missed it i don't know, but do you like this guy? like could you see yourself Pursuing a Realationship with him or are you like him and would rather wait till you actually meet before you can actually decided on it?

 

sorry if my Advice seems abit Weird, Im tired, its my Birthday, i'm a little drunk.

Edited by BluGamma
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Posted
You are correct, he is intersted in you, those type of questions he keeps asking is a sign that he has interest in you. I really doubt his putting you on the back burner, he sounds like he really wants to meet you. I can understand why you are being abit weary when it comes to it, cause you said you dont want to be broken hearted again. Thats understandable, you tend to set up self defense mechanisms after the first time so you wont get hurt again and i think this is why you are questioning wheather his guy actually likes you or wants to put you on the back burner.

 

I might of missed it i don't know, but do you like this guy? like could you see yourself Pursuing a Realationship with him or are you like him and would rather wait till you actually meet before you can actually decided on it?

 

sorry if my Advice seems abit Weird, Im tired, its my Birthday, i'm a little drunk.

 

I hope you have a great Birthday & I hope you're right. I am interested a bit in him but, the age of him does make me weary still & how he's going out all of the time.

 

Cheers though.

Posted (edited)

TMichaels gave such great advice, loved it.

 

Well, here come's the very blunt advice you asked for.

 

This guy wants to get laid.

 

You have to look at this from a young man's point of view, and one that hasn't gotten laid much.

 

They want sexual experiences. It is fundamental to who they are. They will screw just about anything (dont' take that wrong, it's just the simple, blunt truth) in order to get that sexual experience.

 

I think he's inquiring about your romantic life, mostly to see what odds are that you'll screw him. He's trying to see if you've been having casual sex with anyone else, which betters his confidence that you'll have a casual sex encounter with him.

 

I'm not saying he's a bad guy or anything. I'm not saying he's a good guy, either. I have no idea of course. Just giving you the blunt advice you asked for.

 

And TMichaels was right, just because you talk to someone daily for months on end, doesn't mean you ACTUALLY KNOW THEM. Sad but true. Be as safe as you can in your visit.

 

Back to what I was saying -it's just the nature of many young men to want to get laid, for many reasons. It confirms their manhood. They need that, for their psyche and ego, it's very important to them. They need sex and sexual encounters, to feel they are a man.

 

This guy could very well be a virgin, he's mid 20's, right? We have some male virgins here on Love Shack that are close to 40. It happens.

 

Sorry for the bluntness!

 

Others may not agree, that's cool.

 

I think he is just trying to figure out if he's gonna get laid or not. If you are dating others, he's thinking you are screwing others. That's why he keeps asking. He's trying to figure out what the odds are he's getting laid when you visit. Don't feel bad, it's all good. It's the nature of the beast out there. And, of course I could be wrong. I just let'r rip on these insights just now to give you a bit of a heads up, in case this is indeed what's going on.

 

Or, he could just be a nice guy in his mid 20's, who lives at home, who has a female friend coming to visit soon. Could just be friendship based. I doubt it though.

 

He wants his little soldier's helmet polished, Momma!!! LOL All the best to you. :)

 

P.S. I hope you will spend a good solid couple months reading all you can around Love Shack. You are going to get so smart and worldy-wise regarding these things. I promise. Be sure you stick around, and read all you can, in all the sections dealing with dating, relationships, sex, coping, divorce, all of it. You are going to learn so much, like I have. :)

Edited by Forever Learning
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Posted
TMichaels gave such great advice, loved it.

 

Well, here come's the very blunt advice you asked for.

 

This guy wants to get laid.

 

You have to look at this from a young man's point of view, and one that hasn't gotten laid much.

 

They want sexual experiences. It is fundamental to who they are. They will screw just about anything (dont' take that wrong, it's just the simple, blunt truth) in order to get that sexual experience.

 

I think he's inquiring about your romantic life, mostly to see what odds are that you'll screw him. He's trying to see if you've been having casual sex with anyone else, which betters his confidence that you'll have a casual sex encounter with him.

 

I'm not saying he's a bad guy or anything. I'm not saying he's a good guy, either. I have no idea of course. Just giving you the blunt advice you asked for.

 

And TMichaels was right, just because you talk to someone daily for months on end, doesn't mean you ACTUALLY KNOW THEM. Sad but true. Be as safe as you can in your visit.

 

Back to what I was saying -it's just the nature of many young men to want to get laid, for many reasons. It confirms their manhood. They need that, for their psyche and ego, it's very important to them. They need sex and sexual encounters, to feel they are a man.

 

This guy could very well be a virgin, he's mid 20's, right? We have some male virgins here on Love Shack that are close to 40. It happens.

 

Sorry for the bluntness!

 

Others may not agree, that's cool.

 

I think he is just trying to figure out if he's gonna get laid or not. If you are dating others, he's thinking you are screwing others. That's why he keeps asking. He's trying to figure out what the odds are he's getting laid when you visit. Don't feel bad, it's all good. It's the nature of the beast out there. And, of course I could be wrong. I just let'r rip on these insights just now to give you a bit of a heads up, in case this is indeed what's going on.

 

Or, he could just be a nice guy in his mid 20's, who lives at home, who has a female friend coming to visit soon. Could just be friendship based. I doubt it though.

 

He wants his little soldier's helmet polished, Momma!!! LOL All the best to you. :)

 

P.S. I hope you will spend a good solid couple months reading all you can around Love Shack. You are going to get so smart and worldy-wise regarding these things. I promise. Be sure you stick around, and read all you can, in all the sections dealing with dating, relationships, sex, coping, divorce, all of it. You are going to learn so much, like I have. :)

 

I appreciate your advice & have read A LOT already, which is amazing for me on a forum. lol

 

I am puzzled though, what do you think of him asking me for advice about his career, family, move, etc?

 

I am not a woman to have a one-night stand so, he won't be getting me on this visit. Call me a prude or ignorant or whatever but, I just don't give-it-out. I find MYSELF if I were to do that, I would classify myself as a slut, whore & that's not who I am (even though I'm degraded on the phone nightly & called those terms yet, I haven't done that stuff in years in the physical realm).

 

I do not think people are wrong or sluts/whores though, if they do give it out b/c it's their life & I'm not the big one to judge (if you get my drift). I am just trying to find out answers for myself. You do what you want to do is my philosophy....

 

I am though as stated, a bit puzzled on his intentions. Should I just ask him or not anticipate/expect anything & go on my trip & find out what'll happen?

Posted

I think he's asking your advice because he thinks you have wisdom/knowledge/experience and he has questions.

 

Other than that, you should go on your trip and enjoy yourself! As TMichaels said, so much is simply not yet determined at this point, in terms of what exactly you two are. It hasn't even been determined yet, so you can't bother to wonder or worry. Just enjoy each day as it comes. :)

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Posted
I think he's asking your advice because he thinks you have wisdom/knowledge/experience and he has questions.

 

Other than that, you should go on your trip and enjoy yourself! As TMichaels said, so much is simply not yet determined at this point, in terms of what exactly you two are. It hasn't even been determined yet, so you can't bother to wonder or worry. Just enjoy each day as it comes. :)

 

Hi,

Tonight, I do have a plan to call him & really find out things.

I am very, very nervous & a bit unsure of what to really ask but, I want to do it. I just want to lay it all out on the line & find out what he feels about me & what his interest is.

 

What questions would you ask?

  • Author
Posted
Hi,

Tonight, I do have a plan to call him & really find out things.

I am very, very nervous & a bit unsure of what to really ask but, I want to do it. I just want to lay it all out on the line & find out what he feels about me & what his interest is.

 

What questions would you ask?

 

Hello,

To follow-up w/ this entire thread, I have found out a lot of truths yesterday upon my making the phone call to him. My Mom was 100 % right & my own intuition too.

 

Today, I am thoroughly hurting really, really hard internally about everything regarding him, our plans, etc. I just need a day to relax, chill-out & process what happened, where I go from here & self-care my hurting heart. I am so hurting just sitting here trying to concentrate at work let alone get things done but, I'm pushing through.

 

I am so darn pissed-off at all of the b.s. at these online websites. I'm just sick to death of failing & pushing harder only to be continuously knocked down by liars, cheaters, scammers & b.sers. Since 2004, too, this is just all b.s.

 

He is still coming up to visit when I travel over but, I just feel I don't even want that, not what I found out yesterday. My Mom was 100% right b/c of all of the shots she called out previously but, I didn't want to listen or believe them. As the Beatles said, "Your Mother Should Know" surely came into play yesterday.

 

My family, work colleagues & friends all want me to disassociate my ideals of trying to relocate to the UK but, I am sorry. I am not giving up on my dream. Would you?

Posted

Okay, so I'll bite. What did your mother, the oracle, say?

 

Best,

TMichaels

Posted

What did you ask him and what did he say? Also, you should really consider anti depressants and therapy. I know you have a life coach, let us know what he said too. But I'm not crazy about him ever since he said you might not be destined for love (ridiculous). And recall I take low dose of anti depressant and highly recommend it, along with vitamins.

Posted
Okay, so I'll bite. What did your mother, the oracle, say?
Right. What?

 

P.S. When a man is interested in you, he lets you know somehow. When a man is in love with a girl or he's trying to impress her, he doesn't keep asking about her dates... men get bothered just with the idea of someone else doing things they would like doing.

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Posted
Okay, so I'll bite. What did your mother, the oracle, say?

 

Best,

TMichaels

 

Hi,

In the beginning...

She told me to just be cool & not to even get involved with him on a more than an e-mail level. Not to even call him or get a cheaper phone plan to call the UK. I know that sounds anal but, I was calling before & my plan wasn't exactly cheap.

 

She told me as SOON as he started telling me about him buying a house that he would try to woo me over, say for me to come over & live. He did EXACTLY that. I got my hopes up w/ anticipation & expectation. We started making real plans.

 

Then, he just got cold feet (which she predicted) & then, other items occurred which she predicted also.

 

OMG, I know some people do not have good relations w/ their parents. I do though. I may be an old lady to still call & talk to my parents about frivilous issues but, I just need clear-cut laymen's terms advice. She obviously broke-it-down for exactly what I needed.

 

Every sticken time I've tried to do something or a man has promised me the world, etc. She's told me other things & how to go about it, she's ALWAYS predicted what happened & then, had to help me resolve the problem.

 

I guess you could call her the oracle in my life then.

  • Author
Posted
Right. What?

 

P.S. When a man is interested in you, he lets you know somehow. When a man is in love with a girl or he's trying to impress her, he doesn't keep asking about her dates... men get bothered just with the idea of someone else doing things they would like doing.

 

Hi,

 

I highlighted in bold here a very, very poignant point. I never really thought of it that way, thanks.

  • Author
Posted

Well, he now called me & still wants to meet in the fall.

 

He also texted me twice.

 

I just wish this to be over so my heart can move-on... and I wouldn't feel like I'm being led-on.

Posted

While it is normal to feel a bit insecure when first meeting someone and about his intentions, I think you are really overthinking things too much. Have you considered the possibility of NOT meeting him while you are there? It is just that I read so much negativity on your posts/updates that it will be almost for sure that this same attitude will be actually what will spoil that encounter. You are only and exclusively focussing in the "bad" outcome, when there is actually a probability that it could be a "good" outcome. 50% to be exact.

 

Or you either stop overthinking and just go with the flow, go and meet him, don't have any expectations, just enjoy the moment (regardless of the outcome) being safe and in general have a good time,

 

or

 

prevent this from happening at all and just carry on with your life as usual. As if he never existed.

 

Sometimes we gotta risk a little bit of heartache in order to win something greater. But above all, be safe in whatever you decide to do and think about *your own* well-being/happiness. If, for you, meeting him is not worth risking that much, then just don't.

 

All the best.

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Posted

Hi again...

 

This time now, as I've limited talking to him while I've been busy w/ my other things in life, I'm writing to ask a simple question outright now...

 

He asked me if I'd call him tonight. (Monday Aug. 13th).

He told me he went & viewed properties & wants me to discuss that & other options w/him about me coming over, etc. More to this too.

 

What should I do?

 

I am just in turmoil internally. I like him alot but, he is clearly not interested or SOMETHING would've happened by now.

 

What I mean by "happened" is he would've asked me out or told me he felt like/love for me too.

 

I am tired of unrequited love & just feeling like I am never going to meet a good man.

 

I am busy though w/ my life & plans but, WHY is he still hanging on?

I don't even want to be friends either. He talks about how he goes to meetup.com parties meeting all of these women & coming in at 4:00 am & texting/calling me then.

 

What am I? A backburner?

 

Please help... I just don't want my trip in the fall ruined either by false hope & unsolicited, unrequited love or a broken heart...

  • Like 1
Posted

The solution to your problem is very simple:

 

You tell him "Look, I have feelings for you and I realized I can't be friends with you. I know you want to help me out with everything, but I guess I will manage things on my own."

 

He might be sad because he liked you as a friend. But just move on.

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Posted

Well, I did it.

Last night when I called him, I laid it all out on the line.

I said, even if he didn't want to be friends anymore besides visiting when I fly over, then, tell me now.

 

He stated he was having problems w/ his job & told me he'd get back to me next week.

 

He still has not got a better housing situation either, that he's currently living in.

 

I swear on my LIFE I felt like an occupational therapist & a researcher speaking w/him last night. All of our entire conversation was nothing but these issues.

 

He said he would get back to me next week.

 

That was my "sign" then.

I am so done.

I need to concentrate on my other aspects in my life, my degree I'm working on, hobbies, interests, meetup.com groups, etc.

 

My heart is broken. Done. I am just so done with trying to look for love, online, in groups, on site's forums, on band forums. I'm so done.

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