vixy Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Hi everyone. I am a 28 year old mother of a 3 year old girl. I have been married to my husband for almost four years. My husband and I have never been able to fight fairly with each other. Whenever we disagree, my husband tells me he wants a divorce and I beg him to change his mind. He has probably threatened divorce 50 times over the course of our relationship. For about a month now, he has been consistantly telling me that he is no longer in love with me. He has cited problems such as my not getting along with his mother, my lack of housekeeping skills, and my not allowing him to have a social life outside of me. He is a recovering drug addict. I knew this when I married him and in all the time I have known him, he has only relapsed twice and then got back on the wagon. I mention this because I think it may provide a clue into his psyche and thought/behavior patterns. During the past month when he has been telling me he is no longer in love with me, I discovered that he has been going to massage parlors and having sex with prostitutes. His doing this coincides with him telling me he doesn't love me anymore so I wonder if he is pushing me away out of guilt and shame. He says he is a sex addict, but does not seem overly interested in sex with me. He says it is because he is so angry at me over marital issues that it has killed his desire for sex with me. He also indicated that my weight is an issue--and I'm sure it is, as I was 180 pounds when I met him, and after 5 years together and one child, I am 270 pounds. I know I must have a binge eating problem in order for me to have gotten this big, and I am trying to work on my weight for myself and for my marriage. I don't want to leave him or lose him. I have tried to improve on areas that he thinks need help, such as cleaning better and relating to his mother better. He has noticed my efforts and appreciates them. At this point, he is saying that he wants to take things one day at a time. He has apologized for seeing prostitutes and promised not to do it again. He is still saying he is not in love with me but as time progresses and he notices me making positive changes, he is indicating that he is willing to try to work on our relationship and to rekindle the love he once had for me. He says more than anything he needs space from me and time to think about his "emotional crises". He has on the whole been a good husband, except for his divorce threats whenever we argue. We have felt a lack of intimacy from each other for a long time and I would like to know what I should do at this point to keep the marriage together, or if I should be planning for divorce. I feel that I am in a state of limbo right now and it is not good for my mental health and sanity. He goes back and forth between wanting to try and make things work and wanting a divorce. He is not sure if his feelings can be rekindled and is not sure if he wants the marriage, but last he told me (last night) he does. He is interested in spending family time together (planning a family vacation, going to a carnival) but is not interested right now in planning date nights or sex. He is iffy about marriage counseling as we tried it last summer and it "didn't work" (although I feel it's worth a shot again with a different therapist and different issues we're working on). Help!
Robert Z Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 With all due sensitivity to weight problems, which I do understand... With a 90 Lbs weight gain in five years, he is no doubt struggling greastly with sexual attraction due to that alone. I have no idea if you can resolve your issues, but if I were you and I really wanted to save the marriage, I would go on a radical weight loss plan and make sure he knows all about it. That sort of weight gain is not what one expects in a wife. And what does it say to him when you are willing to let yourself go like that?
scatterd Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I feel for you even if you have gained weight he should support and help you to loose it. No one deserves to be treated the way you have. I know some people eat more when depressed especially with hurt. I gained weight after my hysterectomy it was so hard to get off. Go on line and and print out the weight watchers diet plan but you will need some exercise its hard at first because of stomach shrinking but it does work. I would look into some counseling also for your husband and yourself sounds like he has a sex addition problem. You have a young child also that sees how he treats you so sad . He is emotionally abusing you don't allow that you are worth more then that. You had his child and he repays you this way. If you was my daughter I would want you to come back home and help you. Big Hugs
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 He obviously has a lot of work to do with recovery. It really isn't about what's wrong with you - it's him. But if it were me - I would never stay with him! He's not respecting you or the marriage. He needs consequences. Since he's not in love with you - demand that he move immediately! I'm serious! A healthy boundary would be to get him away from your daily life - he's putting your health at risk - and THAT is NOT LOVE!!!
DaisyLeigh Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Sweetheart, weight loss or gain aside, he does not care about you. He is self centered and making up excuses. See an attorney and tell DH to leave. Recover, then find a real man who will love you as you deserve. Trust me
skywriter Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 vixy, I was married for a couple of months shy of 17 yrs, created three children, had property and a mortgage with my H. Your story is oddly similar to mine as well. My H did the same thing, said, "I love you in that I care about you, but I'm not in love with you". Believe it and look for the 180 rules here on LS. Stop begging, crying, trying to please, walking on eggshells, etc.... It doesn't help, if anything, it makes it worse. I'm so very sorry.
Robert Z Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Sweetheart, weight loss or gain aside, he does not care about you. He is self centered and making up excuses. Why would you assume that? It sounds to me like he's struggling. See an attorney and tell DH to leave. Recover, then find a real man who will love you as you deserve. Trust me Wow. Just wow!!! An expert in one post, eh?
Robert Z Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I still don't understand the attitudes here. He says he's unhappy, he's given the reasons, and he's asked for a divorce 50 times, he's admitted to cheating and has tried to reconcile. What about that constitutes abuse?
freestyle Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I still don't understand the attitudes here. He says he's unhappy, he's given the reasons, and he's asked for a divorce 50 times, he's admitted to cheating and has tried to reconcile. What about that constitutes abuse? According the OP---"whenever we disagree, he threatens divorce". That's emotional blackmail.It's pulling out the nuclear card. Designed to shut down communication, and maintain control. Toe the line, do as I say, think like I do---OR ELSE! That's severe emotional abuse. 1
Robert Z Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 According the OP---"whenever we disagree, he threatens divorce". That's emotional blackmail.It's pulling out the nuclear card. Designed to shut down communication, and maintain control. Toe the line, do as I say, think like I do---OR ELSE! That's severe emotional abuse. What if he means it? With all due respect to the op and without meaning to pass judgment, we don't know the context of the disagreements or whether she was being unreasonble. We are only hearing one side of the story, after all. You all seem to take one sentence with no intimate knowledge of the situation, and use that as grounds for divorce and making him the villain. That is just shooting from the hip.
Robert Z Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 It is possible that he doesn't know how to handle conflicts well. And he may well be completely at fault and a terrible person, but the op doesn't make him sound terrible. She obviously still loves him. And a knee-jerk reaction in a fight doesn't mean he or the marriage is beyond salvation.
Author vixy Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Hi all. Thanks for the replies. I'm glad for the advice. To clarify--I do believe his excessive divorce requests were an attempt to control/a form of emotional abuse. He has threatened divorce over big things and small things--things like cleaning the house, things like me not getting along with his mother, things like me wanting to spend more time with him than he wants to spend with me. In the beginning, he would retract the threat nearly immediately, but as time progressed and he was "surer" of my love and commitment, he would let more time go between threatening divorce and retracting the threat. And the threats increased. Most friends I talk to say he treats me this way because I allow him to. Instead of standing up to him or defending my opinions, I would always cower whenever he was displeased with me. He has never hit me, never been the kind of guy I would physically fear, but he has insulted me when angry ("fat psycho" during one bad argument). Those insults are few and far between, so I don't think about them much in terms of the big picture. This is because of my low self-esteem. I am a social worker, and ironically (or not) I cannot put anything into practice that I tell my own clients to do. If a client came to me with this story, I'd say leave for your own sanity until he gets help. But I don't feel strong enough to do that myself. I'm losing weight naturally (anxiety is the best diet pill there is). I can't stop shaking. I'm noticing that my hand is trembling when I think it's still. In the past two weeks, I've probably lost over ten pounds due to nerves alone. I go back and forth with what I want. Sometimes it sounds good to me to leave and divorce; other times I want to stay in the marriage. Honestly, I really do want the marriage. I would be devestated if he moved out. I also want to mention that right before this month from hell (the prostitutes, the telling me he's not in love with me) we were talking about having another baby and buying a house together. I'm certain his reluctance to do either of these things and me pushing for them drove him to the point where he felt divorce was the only option. I have agreed to back off about a baby and a house (obviously it is not the right time for either). I have also started trying to look more attractive. I did let myself go. I gained a lot of weight during pregnancy and never lost it. I stopped wearing makeup and cute clothes. Everyone's frustrated with me. Friends say he's the one who "did wrong" so why should I have to break my butt in trying to please him? Well, I do it because I recognize there are two sides to the problem and if I try to fix my side of the problem, the relationship should improve by at least half. I don't think it is too late to salvage. He is a good guy. Most people are shocked when they learn of the problems we have because he seems so friendly and mellow to everyone. He has a Jekyll and Hyde thing going on. I am familiar with the 180 from reading Divorce Busters by Michele Weiner Davis. I am attempting to do this now--a complete turn around. I am already seeing some success. Just a week ago, he told me there was no hope for the marriage. Since then, I have made efforts to get along with his mom, clean the house well, have a nice meal on the table every night, and look as physically appealing as possible. I have tried to give him space, have stopped bringing up our relationship problems, and have certainly stopped asking for a house and baby. Now, he says his hope is returning for the marriage. I torment myself with wondering what is true and what is not. I wonder if he only pretends he wants to work things out and if he's secretly planning a divorce. I wonder why he would do this. I wonder if he stays for the wrong reasons, like "for the sake of the kids" or because he's afraid I'll tell the whole world about the prostitute thing. I wonder and I am so scared the marriage will end.
DaisyLeigh Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Why would you assume that? It sounds to me like he's struggling. Wow. Just wow!!! An expert in one post, eh? No, not an expert, but life is too short to waste on someone who seems so self-centered. Of course, try to figure it out first, but I am betting his nasty remarks show his true character. People usually show you who they are, so you should believe them. Besides, why are you being so snarky. I am sure that the OP is intelligent enough to decide for herself. Differing opinions and views won't hurt.
standtall Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 (edited) So vixy, let me put it to you this way....BTW, this is going to be rather blunt. You are a very overweight woman that has some low self esteem issues when it comes to relationships with men. You would prefer to stay with an emotionally abusive, unfaithful, dangerous..he is putting you at an extreme risk of STD's by having sex with prostitutes.., non providing, and most likely using again ex-drug addict, than being an overweight, single mom. Fix yourself as you're showing this loser the door. He is not worth anything and is using you. You are a successful...social worker.. person that has a weight problem. You can do much better than him. Edited July 21, 2012 by standtall
scatterd Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Vixy I think maybe you both should seek counseling even though you do have experience in this Field. All of us have a hard time with our own problems and need a person from the out side looking in to help us. I think from what you have said he has a insecurity his self.Maybe he grew up hearing someone use the Big D word and uses it to get your attention under frustration. Never the less it is hurtful and causes more insecurity for you.
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