Lisa_Lisa Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 My long distance boyfriend of 4 months broke up with me a month ago stating I fought with him too much, I was too jealous, and I was too negative. 2 weeks ago he deleted me from his facebook. I've been hurting ever since. Since he lives in Chile and I in NY, and because we had planned to start our lives together, I petitioned for him to come to the States, but since he broke up with me he said to cancel the whole thing, which really hurt me. Plus we had planned that I would go to Chile for 6 months (before the petition gets approved) to teach English as a Foreign Language, mostly because I had some doubts about our relationship and before I dived into the pool, I wanted to test the waters first and see how we got along, if we could live together, share finances, and all that before I took the plunge. Another reason for going was because I'm at a crossroads in my life: 33, still living at home with Mom, temping at a low paying job. I was ready for some excitement and adventure. Since my job doesn't pay much, I can't really afford to move out, and if I did move out, I'd be a slave to a low paying job. I have a bachelor's degree, but since being laid off from the magazine I used to work for, I sort of fell apart. I feel like despite this break up, I still want to go to Chile. I was talking to a friend of mine who said I could stay with her till I get my own place, but I'd be lying if I said that it doesn't matter that my ex lives there. I'd like to see him, I'd like for us to give it another go. We started out as friends so there was never any intimacy between us. Thinking about that possibility sends my heart racing. Or should I just stay here and try to forget him and just try and make the best of what I have. I'm confused. The school years start in February in Chile, so that's 7 months from now. 7 months for him to forget me, get a new girl, fall in love, and I know if I saw that I'd be devastated. Some friends tell me I should contact him, tell him how I feel. When I told him I was still going to go to Chile right around the break up, he didn't say yes and he didn't say no. He just evaded the comment saying he had some things to do. When I asked if he still loved me, he said "as a friend, yes." I'm confused. Never seeing him again saddens me. Never living in a whole different country and environment saddens me. Never having some sort of independence saddens me. I guess I put all my eggs in one basket with this one. What should I do?
Els Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 If you are positive that you want this for yourself whether or not you get back together, and getting back together is just the 'icing on the cake', I don't see why not. IMO every person should try to experience life in another country at least once in their life, if at all possible. It broadens your mind and horizons more than you could ever imagine. If you think that you would be crushed and hate your entire time there if he did not get back together with you, then don't do it.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Thanks for your reply. Hanging out together, maybe being together would be the 'icing on the cake.' If he doesn't want to be with me, I completely understand. Maybe in these 7 months, I'll get over him, and we can just go back to being friends. Who knows? Half of it is for me, half of it is to see him again.
Els Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 In that case then I'll say go for it. Worst comes to worst, you'll get half - better than nothing, yeah?
dinosaur Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Well first of all, you're only 33 - he's not your only option and you have several years still before you should really freak out about settling down. I don't mean that in a rude way, but you seemed concerned about being at a crossroads and I want to reassure you that you have plenty of time to find the right guy so don't be too worried about losing out even if you did put all your eggs in the basket. If you want to go to Chile, go. But go there because you want to go there not because you want to see him. If there has never been any intimacy between you two it might be different for him than for you which is why he says he loves you as a friend. All of the long distance relationships I know that were broken up were because one person got too controlling and jealous - don't do that to yourself. If you go out there remember you can't control him or change his mind so don't count on that. If he wants to give it a second go, he'll let you know but don't try to force your way back in or manipulate him or try to guilt him. If you really, really want him back (I've won back a few relationships that I realized I wish I hadn't gone after because they turned into horrible on-again-of-again, dead end relationships) I would say give him some space and prove to him you've changed and try to reconcile gently, but think about if you really want him back first. If he sees you've backed off and have become more positive he can see you've changed. Remember that you can't expect him to just take you back and most importantly you need to get your life together and be happy without him. I know you're heart broken, but if it's meant to be, it will be. Sometimes after a gut wrenching break up you end up where you're supposed to be - only you know if that place is Chile or not for you.
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