TheMeatloafJuggler Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Curious if anyone else has gone through this. I met a woman on an online dating site and she claimed she was "single" in her profile. The option for "divorced" or "separated" were possible. During my interaction with her, the topic of her "marriage" was never discussed. She spoke of him as if he was simply a former boyfriend. I never bothered to ask if she was previously married because I guess I simply didn't think about it in those terms. I saw "single" and guessed that if a listing for divorce or separated was possible to list on the site, that people would actually do that. So she finally broke the news to me right before I had a major work related trip coming up, literally right before the trip started. And her argument was she wanted to tell me sooner, but that she knew I was having a rough time with stuff at work and didn't want to stress me out. ( But telling me right before I left for a complex work trip was not going to stress me out?) She was still separated, legally separated, and the paperwork was still processing for her divorce. And that the divorce wouldn't be legally final until this December. ( Thank God I didn't sleep with her. I personally consider anyone "separated" to still be married in my book) And I asked why did you list yourself as separated, and she said she considered herself moved on from her past, so she felt she was "single" I asked her, what would you do in my shoes if you were me and this situation was reversed? She said, "If I were in your shoes, I'd move forward with us and keep going and see how this goes" And that's when I decided to end it. I was hoping she would say, "You should do what's best for you, whatever that is, and accept it" But she never said that. Then I told her I think it's best if we part ways, and I told her to move on and maybe this was meant as a learning experience for both of us. Am I right in feeling like this woman just plain lied to me? I genuinely feel like she hid the truth from me, having an attitude that if I don't ask, then it's not important. And then I feel she dropped the bomb right before a major work trip so that it would be to her advantage, that I would be too preoccupied with work to deal with it then, and then let it go more easily. Then I feel my feelings were never a concern, that it was only how she felt about the status of it and how I felt about it didn't really mean anything other than her desire to lay out she wasn't really fully single and wanting me to get past that part. Sad thing is I really liked this girl too. Did I do the right thing here? Was my instinct correct that if she wouldn't disclose something like this that she would do the same with other key issues in the future with me? Has anyone else run into this? Someone popping up hidden marriages, divorces, kids or whatnot out of the blue? Thanks for listening. Very frustrated I suppose.
miss_jaclynrae Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I did put single on my profile as well. Then again, I was open about my divorce while dating. I would definitely feel lied to as well.
curlygirl40 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I think the fact that she 'lied' would bother me more than her status. As in, if she really has moved on and feels she is ready to date again, then the fact that her divorce isn't final yet wouldn't bother me. People go through separation and divorce at their own pace. Some people are ready earlier than others. But when the options 'divorced' and 'separated' are there, and they choose something that is misleading, that would bug me. I just last week saw someone on Match that I know through business circles and he was a new member and had 'divorced' on his profile. I knew for a fact there was no way he could be divorced at this time, checked the court records (it was a slow day, lol) and sure enough he had just filed for divorce a week ago!! A week! The women on Match are going to eat him alive. Best of luck.
funlady Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I would be upset that she hadn't told me sooner, by 3rd date maybe? However I wouldn't break up with her if that was the only thing. I am currently separated and must be for at least a year before the court even looks at my papers (local law). I won't wait for a year to go have coffee/drink with someone. I do consider myself single but I would put "divorced" on my profile. I would tell the truth if asked about my status though.
KathyM Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I think you have a right to be upset and to feel duped. She lied on her profile. She manipulated the situation to be in her favor, and by doing so, she led you into a relationship based on faulty information. I think you were right to dump her. A big part of any relationship is honesty, trust, and caring, and she pretty much trampled on all of those aspects, and led you into a relationship on her terms. I'd call that pretty manipulative. I do know of a woman who did not disclose her divorce history to a guy she was dating from an OLD site. I thought it was dishonest, and tried to encourage her to be honest with the guy. I also know a man who was married and still living with his wife, and planning to separate, so he put "separated" in his status. Very dishonest and unfair to the people you are dating who have a right to know who they are investing their time and emotions into. You were right to let this one go. Lying and manipulation have no place in a healthy relationship.
RedRobin Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 People who are not officially divorced need to say so up front if the site allows it. The only reason why they would avoid stating it up front is so that they can get attention from unwary suitors. Yes, I would feel duped. She wasn't single. It doesn't matter how she 'feels'... it matters what the reality actually is. But you dodged a bullet. That kind of selective honesty when it suits her is probably why her marriage is having trouble. No thanks!! I've had two men chat me up the past month who I found out later were just separated... not divorced. Guess what? They've lost any chance whatsoever to date me after the divorce is final. Friends, maybe. Romance, never.
maybealone Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 My marriage has felt over for a long time now (years). Paperwork has been drawn up, and he's moved all his stuff to another state. If a man asked me out before the divorce was final, I would probably tell him my marital status before accepting his invitation. At the very least, I would bring it up on the first date. I would never, ever, ever want to put a man in a position where he kisses a woman who is technically still married without his knowledge. If he was okay with the situation, that would be fine with me. I just would want him to have all the information up front so that the decision is his. So I think you have a right to feel lied to. And why did she think it would cause you stress? That sounds like a cop-out statement to me. I would think it would be far more stressful to bring it up at any later time rather that be up-front about it.
mortensorchid Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Some say it's an interpretation thing. I had a former friend of mine who is now divorced but her Facebook lists her as single. Then again she has two children so you would have to be foolish if not downright neive to think that she was not married once. If the site allows you to list a profile as "divorced" or "seperated", I think people should say this about themselves rather than have you find out about it otherwise. Do you like this woman? I'd be angry about this and I'm sorry that this has happened to you.
FitChick Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) I met someone in real life, not online, who said he was separated. I balked until a friend who was separated said to go for it, she was separated and dated. Another friend who was divorced dated when she was separated. I was young and stupid so I didn't know better. As it happened, he technically didn't lie about being separated from his wife. She was out of town for two weeks. I think he got a divorce fifteen years later after he knocked up his then girlfriend and later married her. My ex-fiance was separated for three months when he saw my online profile where I said specifically that I didn't date separated men, so he chose "divorced." Only after he'd been dating me did he say he wasn't divorced yet. Several months later, his divorce came through and he dumped me. He wasn't ready to settle down, "After all, I've only just got divorced!" Now, even if a guy lists "single" as his status, in our first conversation or email I will casually ask "How long have you been divorced?" I have yet to meet a truly single middle-aged man. If you have any doubts, you could probably just google some public websites where they list births, deaths, marriages and divorces. Edited July 20, 2012 by FitChick
Author TheMeatloafJuggler Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 So I think you have a right to feel lied to. And why did she think it would cause you stress? That sounds like a cop-out statement to me. I would think it would be far more stressful to bring it up at any later time rather that be up-front about it. Her argument was that I was traveling for work, and dealing with some complex work issues. And she wanted to wait until I got back to discuss it "face to face" I guess her reasoning, best as I can see it, was that she felt it was ok to not disclose it upfront or in the first week or so because she "felt she was single" and that the real problem was she didn't disclose it at the right time "later" (i.e. before I left for my first work trip) She dropped the bomb the night before I had to fly out for a 2nd work trip ( I was leaving for the new place directly from the 1st trip place) Yes, I agree, I think it was a cop out. The 2nd work trip was designed to be far more complex and far tougher, and she knew that, I discussed it with her. Dumping it on me before I left really felt like some kind of manipulative strategy. I asked her if the point was not to stress me the hell out, why not tell me AFTER the 2nd work trip and when I had gotten back home ( not that doing that would have changed my decision) She said that waiting that long would be considered "too long" in her eyes not to tell me. ( Again, I don't understand the logic of that position) There's a part of me that felt she could "hide it" until December, and I would be none the wiser, then she might have realized she couldn't hide it, for whatever reason, for so long, and then had to come up with another plan. I rechecked her profile, and it still lists "single" even after all this. So guess maybe she didn't learn anything after all.... Do you like this woman? I'd be angry about this and I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Yes, I did, I suppose. I did like her. Now looking back on it, I could see signs of her being kind of a selfish person. I certainly don't like her anymore. I guess what gets me is I feel I was being manipulated. I don't mess with women who I believe are still married in my book. I asked her at the end, is there anything you want to say to me. And she kept saying that she cried all night the night she told me about it, and that she couldn't sleep at all and that all she wanted was one more chance. Then she kept crying while talking to me. Never at any point did she say she was sorry for hurting me. She just kept saying that she should have said it at X time and not Y time. Thanks for the input from me to everyone here, it's very much appreciated.
maybealone Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I guess her reasoning, best as I can see it, was that she felt it was ok to not disclose it upfront or in the first week or so because she "felt she was single" I remember not long after I started coming to LS I saw a post from someone who said that disclosing whether or not you are married is not a first date conversation. I couldn't believe it! I can't understand going out with someone and not knowing that key piece of information. But I guess it is not all that uncommon to not be up front about it. I asked her if the point was not to stress me the hell out, why not tell me AFTER the 2nd work trip and when I had gotten back home ( not that doing that would have changed my decision) She said that waiting that long would be considered "too long" in her eyes not to tell me. ( Again, I don't understand the logic of that position) My guess is that she was starting to feel really guilty, which shows that she knew it was wrong to hide it from you. I'm sorry this happened to you. I think adding, "Have you ever been married" to your list of first date questions with someone claiming to be single would be a good thing.
snug.bunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Legally technicalities aside, IF I were in your shoes and met a man who said he was single when he was still in fact married legally, I'd be put off by it. I've never been married, but I would think that when you're in/or in the process of a separation from marriage (or any serious relationship for that matter), you're in a transitional period. As an outsider looking in, you don't know whether or not the separated individual has declared the relationship as "over" in their mind, you don't know if they are still in love with their ex spouse, lots of "what ifs". Is a person morally obligated to disclose as such when dating? Depends on the individual and why he/she didn't disclose that information and their own moral code. You found her information misleading, you have to decide if it can be overlooked and whether or not you're being reasonable.
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