Courting a shy girl

[Dave95]

Hello, gurus of dating wisdom! I'll get straight to the point

 

I'm a 21 year old college student and I've been head over heels in love with this girl in my class since college started. When I started college I was an unshaven, oversized clothing-wearing, introverted, asocial gamer and I didn't even dare to talk to her. I made a few attempts at asking her out, but I was always gently refused (it all happened via text messages, we were both too shy to talk). Then I got my **** together, got some confidence, better clothes, a razor and went to the gym. Now I'm good friends with the girl, we're both part of a group of seven friends with our own facebook group, we hang out, we go places, we study together etc. She's a very shy girl, probably even more shy and introverted than I was and she's never had a boyfriend, so I decided a friendship-first approach would be better. I made sure she was always aware that I was interested in her so I wouldn't fall too deep into the friendzone. We get along great, have very very similar personalities, we're always allies in arguments, when something funny happens she often looks at me and we laugh together, so I'd say she likes me well enough.

 

Recently I tried asking her out again and this time she said yes. We had lunch together, just the two of us for the first time. It went well, we talked a lot, she said a lot about herself, how good she was in school, she ordered what I ordred, we shared a dessert and in the end, when I said I'd pay she just blushed and didn't protest. So all good signs.

 

Then I started making mistakes. We finished lunch in an hour and since I didn't want to bee too pushy I ended it there instead of asking if she wanted a coffee or icecream or something similar. Also there was this trip we were supposed to go on with our friends. Everyone cancelled so she asked me what I thought we should do now, and that her friend told her we should go, just the two of us. The idiot I am, I didn't grab the opportunity and said we should wait for the others so we'd all go together...

 

It wasn't until later that I realized it was practically an invitation (why else bring it up?). I tried to correct my mistake by texting her if she wanted to go anyway and she replied with a simple "Nah, I can't be bothered". I tried again a few days later, by inviting her to have lunch again and this time all I got was "Already have plans". Third time wasn't much different.

 

So is it just me or does it seem like she's offended? When I talk to her in person with friends around she's the same as always, but since that lunch she's refused all my invitations in a very cold way, which is unlikey for her. Back in the old days when I was the asocial wierdo she always refused very kindly, with lots of explanation and everything and now it's just "Nope, can't be bothered". Or maybe she's afraid I'm not serious about the whole thing, ending the "date" so fast. Also, she might be bothered by my indecisiveness, since I never directly asked on a real *date*. Worst case scenario is she's not interested, but then why did she accept in the first place?

 

Any advice? What should I do?

[sid3]

My advice, wake up! There are women everywhere. Go meet a few to help get your mind off of this 'one'. From what you've shared it appears as though you chose to play it safe pursuing this girl, rather than act decisively. There's much to be said about having several options when a guy is still new at dating. You should consider where you made some mistakes, but realise sometimes it doesn't matter in the end. She may have some deep seated issues and you were lucky to have dodged a bullet.

[KathyM]

You rejected her, basically, when you declined to go on the outing/trip with just her. It's like you didn't think it would be worth your time to spend it just with her. That was kind of weird to turn down an opportunity to do something with her if she's someone you have an interest in. So she feels rejected and hurt, and thinks you're some kind of flaky guy now. You may want to try to talk to her and let her know that you really like her and are interested in getting to know her, and that you could kick yourself for not going with her to that event.

[sid3]

You rejected her, basically, when you declined to go on the outing/trip with just her. It's like you didn't think it would be worth your time to spend it just with her. That was kind of weird to turn down an opportunity to do something with her if she's someone you have an interest in. So she feels rejected and hurt, and thinks you're some kind of flaky guy now. You may want to try to talk to her and let her know that you really like her and are interested in getting to know her, and that you could kick yourself for not going with her to that event.

 

Pretty good chance this is 100% accurate. I'm sure she felt rejected being turned down by you. Telling her now how much you like her, that could go either way.

[Dave95]

Thanks for the replies! Thing is, I'm not so much about getting *a* girlfriend, but *the* girlfriend. So I'm not too eager to try the "other women" route. I never felt this way about a girl so I'll rather keep trying. But I agree, I wasn't decisive enough and she IS the sort of girl that needs a decisive guy (as I said, she's very shy and passive).

 

For the second two posters, I thought so too. I was a bit nervous at the time and didn't even consider she might have been inviting me. I thought about talking to her about this directly, but I'm afraid it might scare her off. None of us have any experience, so... This situation has been dragging on for too long though, so i guess I'll have to do something. But I definitely won't give up because it's quite obvious she likes me, maybe she just doesn't feel ready to have a boyfriend...

[JWRP]

Write out how you feel for her and have one of your friends hide it in her dorm. Explain how you feel - completely. If she's shy and into texting she'll love a hand written letter left for her. My love still has the letters and poems I had her BFF hide : ).