Was he too scared to get hurt again? Was this a pre-emptive strike?

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, and so glad to find all of you. Maybe some of you can provide me with some insight...some perspective...that I may be too blind to see clearly.

 

John, my boyfriend of 3.5 months called me up last night...yes, can you believe that this happened on the phone...to say we should stop seeing each other. Just a few days ago when I told him that I sensed he was holding back something from me, he told me that he was feeling overwhelmed with the chaos in my life (see next paragraph), but that he had no intentions of walking away from the relationship -- but, alas, he has.

 

John's reasons had to do with the recent events in my life (job, health, finances, death in my family) being too chaotic for him to deal with -- yet he had always pleaded with me to tell him everything and not to withhold anything. He said he was feeling that I had given him different information, or a different story, about these problems each time we discussed them -- and that he felt like he didn't know which way was up or down, and he doesn't know what to trust, and so because I'm the messenger, he doesn't trust me. If anything I am always blunt and honest...to the core of my being. That's why it hurt so horribly...to hear someone that I care so deeply for say to me that they don't trust me. It's the absolute worst feeling.

 

I think I really screwed up when I talked to John about all the curve balls I've been thrown, while completely overcome with fear and panic in some very dark moments after being hit with two or three big blows in one day, where everything seemed pitch black and totally unresolvable. Then later when we talked again about the same topics when (after I had sufficiently kicked myself in the ass for indulging in such self-pity) I had come back to my senses and gained new perspective on how to deal with it. This is where I think I caused him so much confusion. You know what it's like...It's so hard to maintain your emotional equilibrium in times like these.

 

So I suppose I'm also guilty of letting my guard down far too fast, after just under four months, and being too honest with John about the depth of my feelings for him -- what an extraordinary person (if only he believed it for himself). Guilty of trusting for the first time in many years...wearing my heart on my sleeve, leaving it vulnerable to thievery. And guilty of thinking that he might be capable of sticking around while I traverse this rough patch, when a few times I've been barely able to keep it together myself.

 

In our talks, there seemed to be a recurring theme of abandonment by women in his past once they no longer "needed" him....he just kept bring this up. Nothing I said could make John understand that I wanted to be with him for all the right reasons...not just for my happiness, but especially his...that I don't use relationships or people like that...that my love doesn't just stop.

 

I can't even begin to explain the way in which I felt we just "clicked". Being with John just felt right. I met his family and he met mine, and I got along famously with his mom, and my mom told me that I'd finally found "a keeper". I can't help but wonder if this wasn't some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy -- the old "I'll leave her before she has a chance to leave me". I think the cruelty of his ex-wife (we both are divorced four years) still haunts him.

 

You know what I just can't reconcile in my head???...John told me last night that he is totally nuts about me and thinks and worries about me all the time -- then in the same breath -- but the ups and downs of my life are too much for him to handle. I told him that this is temporary and things are beginning to get better already, and asked if he could be patient. He responded with something like, "What if it doesn't, and then it becomes really more than I can handle and I leave then...won't it be worse later on?" Maybe...but I'm having a very hard time imagining feeling any worse than I do right now. But don't all things wonderful, beautiful and worth having take some kind of faith in the future?

 

His last words were, "Take care." It felt so...final. So what I am wondering is, is this really the end, or do I have any hope that in a few days, weeks or months he will come to his senses and figure out what he's throwing away? I really believe that we were meant to be together, because even last night he still claimed to have been so happy with me. God, I am so confused!

 

THANKS!

[KaiaMahina]

Yes, JenJen, this definitely strikes me as being a case of "do unto others before they do unto you."

 

I was cut loose almost three weeks ago by my fiancee after almost a year together. (Yes, we got engaged very quickly, but the emotional intimacy we had almost immediately was uncanny.) He, too, did it by phone. One week after asking me to go look at rings. He had pushed hard for marriage, and I had let him set the pace, which was speeding up with the date being pushed nearer and nearer by him.

 

The one thing he said to me explains it all: "I don't want to have a second divorce!" He was cruelly hurt in his divorce three years ago. While it was clear that he loved me, he was projecting into the future and seeing himself being divorced by me. The only thing to do was, as you put it, a "pre-emptive strike."

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. Maybe you WERE too honest, but then, he encouraged you to be forthright with him. If you ask for the truth, you must be prepared to accept it. He bailed now because he was afraid you may bail later.

 

Will he come to his senses? That's what I wonder every day about my ex-fiance. Sometimes I can't believe that he had thrown away something that other people search their whole lives for and never find. I can't give you an answer Jen...he may very well get over his panic in time. He may begin to think more clearly once he's removed from the situation and begin to wonder why he's was so hasty. It all depends on whether he has the WILL and the STRENGTH. He has to want you more than he fears abandonment. He has to feel that ANY time he may have with you is worth the chance of further pain in loosing you. He will have to be worthy, and sometimes people just can't manage to make themselves worthy. They retreat in defeat and go on to someone who inspires no fear, no sense of possible loss. They SETTLE. And that's no reflection on you. That's a reflection on him.

 

However, if he does come back, of his own free will and without any influence from you, it means that he wants you enough to face his fear and that's a true and heartfelt gesture of love. If he doesn't come back...you will have the one who is meant for you.

 

You sound like an intelligent, perceptive and emotionally grounded woman, Jen, and I wish you all the best!

[Butter15]

I know how it feels to have someoone tell you that you aren't being honest and open enough. It took so long for me to pretty much just open up and tell my bf stuff because i just have a hard time trusting people to not tell the things i tell them but i eventually did and we pretty much got ya know really close where i could tell him anything at about 5 months. Also you replied to my thread so you know what's going on now and such. Well, I would try talking to him and telling him how you feel and stuff and if you were happy together try to remind him of all the good times and try to make him laugh and tell him what you really think about his situations. Ask him why if he really does care about you he can't be with you. I mean it must have hurt him too to break up with you. So, just try to make him feel better and relive the good times you shared and make him laugh.

[StartingAgain]

I'm not buying into the preemptive strike scenario. I'm a man and I've never had such a thought, not do I know any men who have ever had such a thought -- at least one older that about 19. I see something else completely different going on here.

 

Let me preface my remarks by stating that women aften say that men have a fear of committment. There are a few like that. But here's my experience and the experience of almost all the *grown* men I know. We don't fear committment. Rather, we are very careful about who we commit to. Women seem to commit faster, but their committment appears to have too many conditions. Men are slower to commit and the reason for this is that we really do commit. When a man marries, he generally does it for keeps. It take an awful lot of bad to convince him to break his vow. We dolerate so much more from our wives than they would tolerate from us. The fact that over 70% of all divorces are filed by women is evidence of this. As evidence of a man's committment, consider that the the rate of infidelity is not 42% for men and 41% for women. Women have caught up in the cheating game. Yet if a woman discovers her husband is cheating, there is a 87% chance whe will divorce him. If a man catches his wife cheating, there's only a 16% chance he'll divorce her.

 

So when a man is divorced by a woman, he feels a profound sense of betrayal. In my case, I have been married twice. My first wife left me because, or so she said, she needed to be alone so that she could "discover herself as a woman." My second wife was fiercely independant and hell-bent on proving that she didn't need a man, but was perfectly capable of taking care of herself. She was super woman. But this didn't stop her from allowing me to support her while she earned two graduate degrees while married to me. She also thought that such things as needing affection, admiration, respect, etc., were childish and refused to meet these needs in me. Still I loved her, was devoted to her, and suported her in acheiving her life goals. I was repain by coldness, aloofness, ridicule for having emotional needs. Eventually, she had an affair and tried to make seem like it was my fault that she couldn't be faithful. When I tried (perhaps too hard) to save our marriage, I was called abusive, controlling and manipulative, and ultimately rewarded with a divorce. Sizzle!

 

So, you can bet that while I have no intention of comparing any new woman in my wife to my ex-wives, I will be on my guard and will be even more cautious in commiting my heart for a third time. I know I want to do this, but I will be very careful. I will pay close attention to the things she says, her attitudes, her experiences, how well she has handled past hurts and failures. I will compare her words to her actions looking for inconsistencies. If any serious red flags go up, I will end the relationship. I'm not saying that she will be subjected to a stringent set of immutable criteria, but only that I will be sure of her before I commit myself. I won't be so willing to overlook the warning signs that I overlooked in the two previous women in my life. Divorce is just too painful and I never want to go through it again.

 

So if your previously-married man suddenly back off, he may have good reason to do so. It may be that it has nothing to do with you and he is just gun shy. The point, either way, is that it is his problem to deal with not yours. I will say, however, that breaking off a relationship over the phone is incredibly poor form. It is cowardice, and any man who can't stand in front of you, look you in the eye and tell you something so improtant is probably not who you want to be with anyway.

[Debster]

IMO, you dodged a bullet.

Clearly you want someone who will support and understand you.

This guys doesn't appear to be up to the task.

When the chips were down and the crap hit the fan, this guy ran.

Either he is emotionally unable to cope with someone when they need support or he just decided that you either weren't worth it or he doesn't want drama in his life.

 

I'm sorry your life has been so chaotic and to top it off that this guy freaked.

[jw32802]

Read about commitment phobia on the lifted hearts website. Its amazing how the DAY i read that ebook, i felt better from that point on. The cp will find flaws in the relationship and use that as ways to get out, usually things that can't be changed. read about it, you will feel better, its not you its him!

[KaiaMahina]

Starting Again, you're a special man. Emphasis on MAN. The world is full of "males", but men are in rather short supply.

 

I'm amazed every time I visit these posts at how many people (men and women) are "dismissed" by telephone or email! Starting Again is quite right...this is news that must be delivered personally. If you can tell someone you love them to their face, you should be man or woman enough to tell them goodbye the same way. Anything less is unworthy of a civilized human being.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Thank you all for your advice and take on my situation. I'm sorry that I was slow to respond with my thanks, but this has been so difficult to talk about while the pain was still so raw. I am still in a tremendous amount of pain, and going through the stages.

 

It's strange because I often think of being "dumped" (God I hate that word) as painful, if not more so, than a death. All of a sudden you find yourself without someone that you loved, but unlike a death, you have the added pain of knowing that they left you willingly. I think in a lot of ways that is the most painful pill to swallow, especially if you are blindsided as I was and didn't see it coming.

 

John's break up phone call to me last Thursday left me with so many unanswered questions. The more I talked to my friends about it, the more they confirmed to me that I had a right to demand answers that made sense.

 

I decided to heed my friends' advice and I sent John an email telling him that after all the time and love I gave him, that I deserved to have those questions answered -- Whether or not it was my issues or his issues that caused him to leave.

 

I had some basic questions like why he would have called me just the day before he dumped me to tell me that he was looking forward to spending more time now that I was moving closer. Or why he made so many other promises he won't keep now that we are apart.

 

When someone is involved with a very attentive lover and everything seems wonderful until the day they decide to end things, it makes you question whether or not everything they said about how they felt about you was all a farce. It's very painful to think that I might have spent over three months living a lie. Since I gave John all of my trust, I asked him to tell me if I could trust that what he told me is what he actually felt. I once again reinforced to John that I was completely honest with him, and that he had no grounds to ever mistrust me. I said that if he didn't trust me that that was his issue and not something that I should be told I am responsible for causing.

 

I don't know if John will respond. I suppose that it's very likely that he won't, since he did a complete 180 and turned into a coward when he couldn't stand before me to tell me he wanted to end it. But I had to tell him how hurt I was, that I deserve answers, and how in a way I am angry that he was so dismissive of my feelings. Because at the time he called I was too shocked to respond the way I needed to, at least by sending him this e-mail I can walk away knowing that I told him and that in the end I won't be his doormat.

 

You know, the funny thing is...John is a mental health professional and a few years older than my 30. You would think that working in that field would make one more prepared for how to conduct themselves and be respectful to the other person when there is trouble in a relationship. Up until Thursday I thought he possessed those skills.

 

Jen

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

UPDATE:

 

He emailed me that he just got my message and would really like to talk, and asked if he could call Tuesday when he has enough time to talk. Gosh...I am so scared, because I don't know which way the conversation will go. I don't know if he plans on saying that he made a mistake or if he will hold his ground. I don't know if I'll end up walking away from his call feeling worse than I did before. Ugh!

[popvix]

Hi there,

 

From what i see i think maybe you have went into things very honestly and truthfully, but i think at the 3-4 month mark this was probably enough to scare alot of people away, apart from the most caring and responsible person.

 

In a way its good that you have "tested" him, but i dont see how you've talked of anything about you two as a couple apart from the "chaotic" issues - was there much there to stand tall above these problems, or were you hoping that once these issues were out of the way, then your relationship could develop.

 

Either way its a very difficult situation, and perhaps all you both need is a little cooling off time from each other to let things sink in on both sides before you could come back to each other - for all you know, he might warm to the relationship once he's gotten past his initial shock of all the issues you've had to present to him, and you can move forward with those behind you.

 

As much as he seems quite shallow right now, and his actions seem out of character with his job and what you would expect - with the timeframe you've been see'ing each other... its alot of issues to try and cope with aswell as trying to build something great together - I hope you two can work through things either together or apart.

 

Best of luck.

[NEONINK]

I do hope you reply. I'm curious of the outcome, I had similar fate just a week or two later than you.

 

According to the... love tactics (online resources as well), which I really do recommend, if you say you love someone too soon in the relationship, before a strong friendship and founded respect have been built, people will run. Not maybe, but will. They want love, but not lose of freedom yet.

 

I think it was easier when we were younger, but as you age, everybody is weighing the consequences of words. Please let us know your fate, Sincerely, neonink.