PainsChains Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 It's been 4 months. I've figured out what I'm having problems with the most. She was experiencing heartache during our relationship but she never told me. So I never knew. I only learned of it afterwards and now the knowledge that she'd been hurting during our relationship kills me. From the very beginning I told her I wanted to take things slow. She agreed to do that. So I thought we were on the same page. But it turns out that's not really what she wanted... Apparently she had heartache about the pace of our relationship throughout, I guess, the entire relationship? Her true desire was to have a very very serious relationship right from the get-go. Apparently she wanted me to say "I Love You" right away and for me to spend my every waking moment with her. Instead I told her that I cared for her very very much and that there was no one else. And, while we did see each other everyday (the last eight months she more or less lived with me), we weren't together every moment. I honest to God thought that was okay. I didn't think me studying hard or voicing the desire for more hours to study was bad or hurtful toward her in any way. But apparently it very much was. If I had known this was that big of an issue for her I would've corrected it immediately! I would've done anything for her - anything! But she came to resent me over this. She didn't think I was giving as much of myself as she was. I wasn't going out with friends or anything - I gave them all up - I was just studying alot. And I wasn't even aware there was a problem. I'm so embarrassed. I was with her EVERY DAY. We were laughing and having fun and she didn't look sad at all ever. So now I'm heartbroken and regretful while at the same time I'm also really angry. If she could have just told me instead of expecting me to read her mind, we'd still be together. Things progressed naturally for me and in the end I was very much in love with her. I told her so. It just took me a little longer to open up completely and get there. But by that point she'd apparently become frustrated with the pace and had gone the other direction. I'd rushed into a relationship with my first love and gotten totally wrecked. To the point I was essentially suicidal. So I thought being more responsible the second time around and taking things slower was wise. I didn't know relationships had to be full blown from day one to be satisfying to a girl. She met a guy while we were dating. And she told him I didn't give her enough of my time and of course, with an instruction manual in his hands, he said he'd give her his every minute. That he would never get comfortable. That he'd always work for her love. That he knew he loved her already. WHAT???! Of course he would say that! It's so unfair. I gave her 1.5 years of my life and would have given far more than every minute. I would've given her my life itself. She didn't tell ME at the beginning of the relationship she required my every waking moment or hearing I Love You from day one. Or I would've done those things! So of course this guy looks like a hero. And for moving in on my girlfriend he's the good guy??! It's crazy. This makes me sound like I was so neglectful because I what, studied? Jesus. I'd have quit every dream I have for this girl if I thought that's what she'd wanted. She was the one dream I wanted most. The hardest part is that she did give me 100%. She was SOOO good to me. That she feels I didn't reciprocate that hurts me so deeply. Because I did lover her. Yes, I do study very hard. But I'd quit studying. I'd happily be poor without an education and live in shack if it meant I could have her in my life. She gave me so much more happiness than all this other stuff. I don't even care about this other stuff anymore. It's been 4 months since she left me for him. I study and then I have to stop to cry. Then my mood switches and I want to run out into the street and fight someone. But I don't. I just cry some more. I'm a zombie. I lost my job because I couldn't function like this. She says they're in love and she's about to move in with him. The way she broke up with me was very cruel. She tore me apart. She expressed her cruelty was the result of her resentment and it was ALL news to me. She says this guy is so good to her. Her way of saying I wasn't? I pointed out I never got jealous or raised my voice at her or said one hurtful thing to her in our entire 1.5 years! She says it's not what I did. It's what I didn't do. OUCH! And this woman was the best thing that ever happened to me. My second love. And i had every intention of spending the rest of my life with her. I'm so much more attuned to women and their needs than this post makes me sound. I swear. I just genuinely thought things were good. I've had 2 loves. BOTH have left me for other men. This one's been having a passionate love affair with this guy for four months now, a guy she'd known only a week. And she's cruelly flaunted all the intimate details. She called me during NC just to tell me she's moving in with him and now I'm dying inside. If only she could have just TOLD me what she needed. This would've been the easiest problem to solve ever.
Guitarjeff Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Why are you torturing yourself with this after 4 months? It's not your place to analyze her or to figure out why she acts or does things in a certain way. We see this so often and this is part of the fear of moving on. People have a need to try and explain someone else's actions or reasons, and it's in a hope that they can give the person an excuse so that they can then believe that they really didn't intend to hurt them, they really didn't truly betray them, and maybe if they see this, they would want to get back together. This all arises from our fear to move forward, to accept we are alone again for a while, to accept that they are with someone else. If you were truly moving on, I assure you, you would not be wasting your time trying to analyze her inner mind. Really, this is neither here nor there. You must force yourself to move forward for you, because you are worth it, because your own life is the most important thing and you have to live it. Think of this, unless you are going to do away with yourself by suicide, (and a normal person would never do this to their loved ones and hurt so many people in their lives), then you are going in to the future, and you can go in to tomorrow kicking and screaming, whining and fighting, or you can go along willingly for the ride, make plans to make the best of it, to enjoy it the best you can. The point is, you are going to wake up tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day. You either g in to the future kicking and screaming, making yourself miserable, or you can get started with making those future days in to something enjoyable, with plans, new friends, loved ones, and happiness. Force yourself to stop analyzing her life, it's your life you need to get started with again. Each time you start to worry or think about her, think to yourself, "But I am waking up tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day, what good am I doing on planning for those days if I am thinking and worrying about someone else and why they do what they do?" You must say this to yourself enough so that you can truly be hit be the enormous truth of it, by the logic of it. You are not going to hurt your loved ones by taking your own life. This equals--'YOU WILL BE LIVING YOUR LIFE FOR A LONG TIME, FACING DAYS IN YOUR FUTURE' The logic of it is overwhelming when it truly hits you. You will realize that wasting even moments on trying to figure out why others do the things they do will not be useful in setting you on the immediate path of waking up and living the following days and years of your life. I hope I have been of some help at least Good luck to you.
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