In NC, moving on but angry

[idreamofgenie]

Hi all, I am new here. I need a place to get some things off my chest because I am angry and hurting. I hope this is the right section for this. Some background:

 

I am an ex MOW. I had a mainly EMA with xMM which I ended nearly a year ago, I knew it could never go anywhere. He wouldn't leave his W and although I would have left my H I never really gave my M a chance. I met xMM through work. I am ten years younger than he is. I completely fell for him, he was so sweet. My M lacked a lot, we are high school sweethearts and I didn't know it at the time but our R didn't ever really develop as we did. In hindsight I realise I knew nothing about R's or M. My parents are divorced and growing up I didn't know any solid couples. Deep down I knew that I had to figure out what was missing and try my best to bring it into my M. I confessed all to my H, we went to MC, I've read every book under the sun and done a lot of soul searching. I know a lot more about R's and both our needs and wants. All I wanted was to understand so confession was obvious to me. I needed to explore why I'd done such a thing, what was missing, what could and couldnt be fixed etc and I wanted an honest R. My M is a lot better. We are still healing but steps are firm and in the right direction. One of our challenges was H has no hobbies or interests and is quite diconnected from himself so he is working on that, another is that I honestly didn't know what I wanted in life and I've been working on that, but we laugh, share, hug and kiss and have a lot of time and respect for one another. H is more in touch with himself, we do more together and share more together. Our sex life is good, better than average I'd say.

 

When I initiated NC xMM wanted to 'be friends' but to me this is just continuing an EMA, and I needed space away from it for my M and because the situation is no good at all. I was crying all the time and couldn't concentrate or sleep so I asked him to not contact me and started NC. He contacted me a few times, I was appropriate in reply but firm, (everything was shared with H) so he eventually got the message. Or so it seemed.

 

The anger comes from the absolute gall of xMM. He's beeped me in the street and waved and he's following me on a networking site both in the last 6 months. I've ignored it all and no longer use the site. The final straw, and why I am boiling at the moment is that when out with my H and friends recently, I looked up to see xMM attempting to make small talk with my H! His W wasn't out. He waved at me, awkwardly, so I shot him daggers, H just looked at him like WTF and walked away. xMM then saw me alone at the bar and came up and said he'd like to still be able to speak to me if he sees me out etc. I just looked at him like 'you must be joking'. He said he'd been trying to drum up more followers than me on the industry networking site. I didn't talk back, I just excused myself and walked away. He kept hanging around so we all left.

 

I know I should have blown up, I should have told him to back the F off and leave me and H alone, but at the time we just left and went home. I just don't understand what he was thinking! How he can constantly act like nothing has happened, and even worse come and speak to H and I like nothing has happened. I am so angry. And I'm sure he's ego-tripping. I sat up and cried the other night, not out of sadness - but out of anger. I know this is part of the process, but the anger was overwhelming. It was frightening how angry I felt. And I'm so angry at me too. The thing is the shattered illusions too - this guy I really did genuinley care about, want, love... it was all a load of rubbish! I was just seeing what I wanted to.

 

I know I was an idiot, I know I hurt my H because I was selfish, confused and stupid. I saw the red flags and I chose to ignore them because I didn't want to see them. All I want now is to move on. I don't want to hate xMM, but stunts like that.... I want to just draw a line and to not care anymore. I think how could I not have seen how stupid I was, and how stupid he is! And seeing him my head is swimming again, but now with confusion over how I could have been such an idiot. He's had ONS' before, at xmas I saw him draped over a young girl trying it on. He didn't see me and I left.

 

I can't forgive myself and now I see the real him, I feel even worse. Part of me doesn't even want to believe it, but I have to.

 

How can I get to a place where I can like myself again? How long does it take until it becomes history with the xMM? I think about this every day. Right now I want to whack him with a rocket but I'm not even going to respond and open NC my end to let him know I'm affected, anger is still a response.

 

My H is so cool about it. We just left and I put him in that situation by my actions all that time ago. He says it's forgiven. I believe him, I just can't forgive myself.

Edited July 20, 2012 by idreamofgenie

[woinlove]

Hi all, I am new here. I need a place to get some things off my chest because I am angry and hurting. I hope this is the right section for this. Some background:

 

I am an ex MOW. I had a mainly EMA with xMM which I ended nearly a year ago, I knew it could never go anywhere. He wouldn't leave his W and although I would have left my H I never really gave my M a chance. I met xMM through work. I am ten years younger than he is. I completely fell for him, he was so sweet. My M lacked a lot, we are high school sweethearts and I didn't know it at the time but our R didn't ever really develop as we did. In hindsight I realise I knew nothing about R's or M. My parents are divorced and growing up I didn't know any solid couples. Deep down I knew that I had to figure out what was missing and try my best to bring it into my M. I confessed all to my H, we went to MC, I've read every book under the sun and done a lot of soul searching. I know a lot more about R's and both our needs and wants. All I wanted was to understand so confession was obvious to me. I needed to explore why I'd done such a thing, what was missing, what could and couldnt be fixed etc and I wanted an honest R. My M is a lot better. We are still healing but steps are firm and in the right direction. One of our challenges was H has no hobbies or interests and is quite diconnected from himself so he is working on that, another is that I honestly didn't know what I wanted in life and I've been working on that, but we laugh, share, hug and kiss and have a lot of time and respect for one another. H is more in touch with himself, we do more together and share more together. Our sex life is good, better than average I'd say.

 

When I initiated NC xMM wanted to 'be friends' but to me this is just continuing an EMA, and I needed space away from it for my M and because the situation is no good at all. I was crying all the time and couldn't concentrate or sleep so I asked him to not contact me and started NC. He contacted me a few times, I was appropriate in reply but firm, (everything was shared with H) so he eventually got the message. Or so it seemed.

 

The anger comes from the absolute gall of xMM. He's beeped me in the street and waved and he's following me on a networking site both in the last 6 months. I've ignored it all and no longer use the site. The final straw, and why I am boiling at the moment is that when out with my H and friends recently, I looked up to see xMM attempting to make small talk with my H! His W wasn't out. He waved at me, awkwardly, so I shot him daggers, H just looked at him like WTF and walked away. xMM then saw me alone at the bar and came up and said he'd like to still be able to speak to me if he sees me out etc. I just looked at him like 'you must be joking'. He said he'd been trying to drum up more followers than me on the industry networking site. I didn't talk back, I just excused myself and walked away. He kept hanging around so we all left.

 

I know I should have blown up, I should have told him to back the F off and leave me and H alone, but at the time we just left and went home. I just don't understand what he was thinking! How he can constantly act like nothing has happened, and even worse come and speak to H and I like nothing has happened. I am so angry. And I'm sure he's ego-tripping. I sat up and cried the other night, not out of sadness - but out of anger. I know this is part of the process, but the anger was overwhelming. It was frightening how angry I felt. And I'm so angry at me too. The thing is the shattered illusions too - this guy I really did genuinley care about, want, love... it was all a load of rubbish! I was just seeing what I wanted to.

 

I know I was an idiot, I know I hurt my H because I was selfish, confused and stupid. I saw the red flags and I chose to ignore them because I didn't want to see them. All I want now is to move on. I don't want to hate xMM, but stunts like that.... I want to just draw a line and to not care anymore. I think how could I not have seen how stupid I was, and how stupid he is! And seeing him my head is swimming again, but now with confusion over how I could have been such an idiot. He's had ONS' before, at xmas I saw him draped over a young girl trying it on. He didn't see me and I left.

 

I can't forgive myself and now I see the real him, I feel even worse. Part of me doesn't even want to believe it, but I have to.

 

How can I get to a place where I can like myself again? How long does it take until it becomes history with the xMM? I think about this every day. Right now I want to whack him with a rocket but I'm not even going to respond and open NC my end to let him know I'm affected, anger is still a response.

 

My H is so cool about it. We just left and I put him in that situation by my actions all that time ago. He says it's forgiven. I believe him, I just can't forgive myself.

 

Are you in IC? Since you say you can't forgive yourself, IC could help you a lot with that. I suspect your strong anger is connected to feelings about yourself. The more of a jerk xOM acts like, the more it connects to feelings that make you feel bad about yourself for making such poor choices. If you forgive yourself, I think the anger at xOM will subside.

 

Good for you for being honest with your H. That is a very important step toward making better choices, having a more satisfying M, and feeling better about yourself. But it seems you still have some more steps to take and IC could help. As to how long it takes, I think having an A for someone who cares about honesty, loyalty and respect, as you clearly do by your actions after your A, is a life-changing decision and it is not surprising it can take years to process it all, learn from it, change, and heal. The important thing is that you continue to move to a happier and healthier place and if you need some professional help with that, then get it.

[Artie Lang]

UN-FREAKIN'-BELIEVABLE!!!

 

your husband did absolutely NOTHING to this scumbag?! is he a pacifist or something?

 

 

that takes balls to go up to the man who's wife you've been bangin' and try to start up a convo. he just emasculated your husband for the second time, yet he did nothing. WOW! just....WOW!

 

 

I would have left my H

 

this doesn't sound good. did you relate this to your husband? or omit it from your "so-called" reconciliation?

 

 

it sounds like you're just mad because he didn't leave his wife. you were all set to leave, but went to your back-up plan(your husband). now you resent the situation, and blame OM for your crappy behavior.

 

you got played, sista.

Edited July 20, 2012 by Artie Lang

[alexandria35]

Idreamofgenie, good for you for being honest with your husband and for all the hard work you have put into improving yourself and your marriage. Good for your husband too! Sounds like the 2 of you are really growing and maturing.

 

Sounds like your going to have get tough on the MM. Does his wife know about the affair? If not you could threaten to tell her everything if he ever speaks to you or your husband again. I think his wife deserves to know anyways. Did you ever write him an official no contact letter? If not maybe you could do that now and keep a copy for yourself. Then let him know if he doesn't respect the no contact you will involve the law. This guy has no respect for you, your husband, his wife or marriage. The only way to deal with someone like that is to draw strong boundaries with them and follow through when they don't respect your boundaries.

[Emme]

The anger comes from the absolute gall of xMM. He's beeped me in the street and waved and he's following me on a networking site both in the last 6 months. I've ignored it all and no longer use the site. The final straw, and why I am boiling at the moment is that when out with my H and friends recently, I looked up to see xMM attempting to make small talk with my H! His W wasn't out. He waved at me, awkwardly, so I shot him daggers, H just looked at him like WTF and walked away. xMM then saw me alone at the bar and came up and said he'd like to still be able to speak to me if he sees me out etc. I just looked at him like 'you must be joking'. He said he'd been trying to drum up more followers than me on the industry networking site. I didn't talk back, I just excused myself and walked away. He kept hanging around so we all left.

 

You now have a stalker. Now you have to be an adult and stop xMM from stalking you. There is no magical, he'll get the message. This is a man you had an affair with. Emotional or not a man you wanted to leave your husband for. Now how is a man who possibly knows you would trade your husband in for him think you wouldn't want to be bothered. The information you gave us is that the husband knew he was in contact with you, the information was shared. Did you share with xMM that your husband knows it was him. He might be under the impression that your husband has no clue who he is. If he does know, you were suppose to rectify this situation when it initially happened. There was suppose to be no response regardless if it was firm or not. You are now at a stage where being direct is your solution. Not your husband, you. If you need to use profanity to eloquently let your sentiments be known, do it. You don't run. You stand firm and live your life.

 

 

I know I should have blown up, I should have told him to back the F off and leave me and H alone, but at the time we just left and went home. I just don't understand what he was thinking! How he can constantly act like nothing has happened, and even worse come and speak to H and I like nothing has happened. I am so angry. And I'm sure he's ego-tripping. I sat up and cried the other night, not out of sadness - but out of anger. I know this is part of the process, but the anger was overwhelming. It was frightening how angry I felt. And I'm so angry at me too. The thing is the shattered illusions too - this guy I really did genuinley care about, want, love... it was all a load of rubbish! I was just seeing what I wanted to.

 

 

He was thinking... Well she's really not giving me the brush off so I guess it's ok to still talk to her. Let me try and make this situation not that uncomfortable... maybe we can be civil towards each other. You guys must live in the same area since you bumped heads at the same establishment. I really don't know what happened between the two of you. Your statement was " I had a mainly EMA" I have no idea what the mainly means. Are you referring that relationship was mainly sexual. That might explain why he acts like nothing has happened. There isn't an emotional connection so we should be able to go back the way we were before. It's all about how someone brains work.

 

It's ok to cry. Crying is good. You should cry more often. Let all the pain and stress out. All the toxins. You'll feel better eventually.

 

 

I know I was an idiot, I know I hurt my H because I was selfish, confused and stupid. I saw the red flags and I chose to ignore them because I didn't want to see them. All I want now is to move on. I don't want to hate xMM, but stunts like that.... I want to just draw a line and to not care anymore. I think how could I not have seen how stupid I was, and how stupid he is! And seeing him my head is swimming again, but now with confusion over how I could have been such an idiot. He's had ONS' before, at xmas I saw him draped over a young girl trying it on. He didn't see me and I left.

 

I can't forgive myself and now I see the real him, I feel even worse. Part of me doesn't even want to believe it, but I have to.

 

You should want to put all your emotions into your marriage. It will be hard but every instant you get those emotions about xMM channel that towards the love you feel for your husband. Make that pain all about you wanting your marriage to work.

 

 

How can I get to a place where I can like myself again?

 

How long does it take until it becomes history with the xMM? I think about this every day. Right now I want to whack him with a rocket but I'm not even going to respond and open NC my end to let him know I'm affected, anger is still a response.

 

All that you wish to happen will happen. It will all take time. The more you invest in being positive the sooner you will get there. Focus on your marriage not on xMM.

 

My H is so cool about it. We just left and I put him in that situation by my actions all that time ago. He says it's forgiven. I believe him, I just can't forgive myself.

 

You have a wonderful husband. Don't ever forget it.