djones Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Hey Guys, This girl and I were in a realtionship for 6 months and things were going great and one day she tells me that its not working out b/c she is spreading her time to thin wiht her new promotion at work and her busy schedule. I told her that we can work it out but she says she does not want to give me a half ass realtionship...she wants to reamain freinds though, she calls me and e-mails me...when we talk its like we are still together...the other day I told her some romantic things I want to do to her and she says that its depressing her...if its drepressing her that we are a part then why are we apart? I dont know what ot do...my fear is that we brokeup and now if we chat/e-mail will i just end up as a buddy to her rather than a boyfirend.....I dont know what to do...help me
Author djones Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Oh plus I asked if if we had a chance to get back together she says the "the future is unwritten" what does that mean? I do wait for her or move on....My heart right now wants to wait for her, /bc i do miss a lot
jen_jen_heartbroken Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 You could call her bluff and ask her to tell you exactly how she would "write the future" if she could, and just exactly how you would fit into her future. If you are feeling particularly brave, you could tell her that you definitely want her in your romantic present and future...even if that means a bit of sacrifice on quantity of time while she settles into her new job. Tell her that you are willing to compromise and give her what she needs, but that you really need to know what that is, and what she wants and expects from you. If she responds that she still wants to be friends, then she is probably telling you the truth. Painful as it sounds, that's when you need to decide if you can live with being "just friends", and if you can't, then you need to move on for your own sake and well-being.
Author djones Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Hi I told her that we can work it out, but she still says that she is overwhemled with work etc and I did comfront her about the future and she just says like I said before the "future is unwritten" and that she still does not want to get together b/c she is feeling that does not want to give a half-ass realtionship....
Debster Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Give her some space. You were probably putting too many expectations on her and she wanted to let you know that yes while she likes you she is not ready for a relationship. Stop pressuring her.
Author djones Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Hi thanks deb, what do you think about her e-mailing me and the odd phone chat....do i just answer them and continue on? do i reply quickly to the e-mails? you know what i mean, i dont it just end up as being a friend, you know she can have her cake and eat it too...
CurlyIam Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 I do believe in "love conquers everything", but I don't agree it fits this scenario! I have been under a lot of pressure lately, I have had a lot of work to do, but Ihave always found my strength in my bf. Even if we sow each other once or twice a fortnight. Did she give you a time frame?Did she say it's the summer campaign or the moon or what? I'm afraid she uses you emotionally. You are inlove with her and accept it, because this way you're closer to her. So start setting boundaries: either she at least tells you when she comes back to you, or she's out of your picture. You must confront her with the possibility of losing you. My little piece of advice to you: there are a lot of women out there who do appreciate spending some quality time with a man! So keep your eyes opened!
Debster Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 The 'she can't have her cake and eat it too' line tells me that you really don't care about her. If you did, you would understand that she does like you, she wants to stay in contact with you (phone/email) but she can't make you a priority right now. Instead of being a 'bad' girlfriend, she would rather be a 'good' friend. Either decide that a) this isn't good enough for you and realize that you could lose a special girl or b) stop being so needy or she will resent you for it and give her the space to work on her career.
Kate Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Please read my posts. Very similar to your situation. Read them and tell me what you think! If you act correctly right now, you can TOTALLY win this woman back. Seriously, take note and get back to me. You have to do certain things here and be confident that she really just does need some breathing room. You two may be at different places in your lives. Don't take offense to it and be weak (we all do, but then wake up and realize it's wrong), thank her for wanting to be right within herself. If she didn't care, she'd continue with you and it wouldn't be important for her to have something whole. This is exactly what I am going through right now w/my ex. and he is the most sincere person on the planet, I feel...and STRONG, too -- because he is being true to himself first and "wants to give me everything".
Author djones Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Hey Deb, Thanks yeah I do respect her job thing and I understand where she is comming from and the cake and eat it thing I was thinking that if she gets too comfortable as me being a friend will I have a chance with her....It just hard to accept that e-mail/phone is all we can do...but I am understanding, it just sucks...I know she misses me as much as do for her, from my view it just seems like we can work it out...but i know she does not see it that way with her work load...I guess I will jsut keep supporting her....
Kate Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 yes you can be her friend -- but DON'T let her manipulate the situation. don't pick up the phone each time she calls, and LET HER CALL YOU. this is all you have right now man!!! you have decided to "stick it out" but do it RIGHT.
Author djones Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 kate, thanks, which posts?....right now she e-mails me and calls me, actually i got one from her today....but she did not call me last night the night before I dont know if you read my early post that we were talking and I kind of flirted with her very romaticly and then she said this was making her depressed more...so I am not sure if 1) that she is not going to call me again b/c she may feel that it will depress her more 2)that i am reading into it...and that she was busy last night....I hope i can win her back....I do miss her..and i do understand her postion, i have told her that...I hope that I did not push her to the limt by talking romantic to her 2 nights ago....
Butter15 Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 Maybe you might be reading into it you just have to give her some time that's the only way you're going to figure it out and yes maybe she was busy but don't ask her the next time she talks to you and she might even bring it up herself. Don't you wish relationships weren't this complicated? I mean you can say one thing and they could end, I just wish they were so much more easier to be in. I understand you miss her and you hurt right now, but i've heard that other people trying to deal with a hard break up find like a new hobby or something like going to the gym or maybe you could try just hanging out with your guy friends and just have fun. If you read my thread I'm kinda hurting now to eventhough i'm still with the guy, because i don't know how everything is gonna' work out. Well, anyway i hope i helped.
Kate Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 go to the breakup thread and read from the beginning "Kate's update on NC and what it means" or something like that. i started the posting, you'll see my name next to it. in fact, do a search under my name and you'll see lots of other examples of people in your situation from the threads i subscribed to. stop calling her, stop offering any emotion. be yourself but think about this as an experiment. trust me, she needs to know what's no longer there in front of her. if you do all the same things, you'll get the same result -- being w/out her cause she won't be able to think properly.
Author djones Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Kate, Thanks that makes sence, I will not call her, I'll let her do the calling....as for the e-mails I will just respond to them....I was thinking before you wrote your last reply that she may not call me now anyway, b/c i think she too knows that talking to her is still bringing up feelings for her....I just hope that she still feels for me later when things are more settled in her life. the one thing I fear, is what if some other guy comes into her life and she now has time to fit a boyfriend into her life, what happens to me? ...oh I read your posts yeah you are right we are in simlar positions....I hope it works out for all of us....this is so hard to do!!
Kate Posted July 9, 2004 Posted July 9, 2004 yes but don't worry. i'm sure that she fears the risk she is taking too by spending time away from you. my ex said he knows it's a risk he's taking...and i told him that i don't want him to commit to me unless he's ready, not out of fear of losing me. i know he's scared, too. if she's a good person, trust her. if she's not, you'll know, maybe the hard way. but right now you have no other decision to make. take time when responding to her emails. also, at first i told my boyfriend "don't contact me until you are ready for a committed relationship" -- i later realized the last thing he needed was an ultimatum, he needed a friend. though we are "friends", we will always be more. just try to keep your conversations interesting and close, but not discussing your mourniing over the issue to much. accept that it is a fact right now, and i know it's hard...but the more you do the "right" thing by NOT calling her and making her come to you, you will get small bits of validation and security (SMALL) but that means things will progress. i'm not saying that everyone's ex comes back, but in terms of time and space there is still a window of opportunity. it just has to be the right situation and you can only determine that based on your trust level with her.
Author djones Posted July 9, 2004 Author Posted July 9, 2004 Kate, thanks, I will do that....today she called me today b/c i had mentioned i has some job info i found out...so we chatted very friendly...but boy it was so hard to me keep it inside that i miss her...but i did...i dont know what will happen with this relationship but she is worth it....I wonder when is it a good time to ask her if she wants to try it again? i know right now will not work but when?
Kate Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 this is something i struggle with daily. MY belief is this: they are ready as soon as YOU accept and support their "decision". What i mean is this; my ex was light years away from wanting to be with me a month ago. the more i questioned, pushed, got sad, the further he got cause he thought i didn't understand him. as soon as i didn't contact him for 9 days, then met platonically and acted more like a friend, he came around SLIGHTLY. the next time i called he didn't answer or call me back. but i let it be. the next time i called he called me back and we chatted very platonically. there was no feeling insinuated. the next time, i took him up on an offer to help me move out of my house. i was in a great, objective mood and emotionally removed myself from him -- however i didn't act DISTANT. this is important. it's shows strength. are you catching my drift??? i didn't try to touch his arm, nothing. i was allll smiles though...it just made him happy to be around me. he didn't feel pressured or anything. later on that night, he got touchy, huggy and wanted to kiss me...and i was ok with that even though he needed/needs time. the next time, i sent him a text asking him to do dinner...he couldn't and responded quickly, but i ddin't re-respond -- boundaries were being set by me even though i was dying inside. i was getting to the point where i wanted him badly enough i would do anythign to have him -- and having him simply meant respecting his wishes and blocking out thoughts of alterior motives. the next time, i ran into him at a bar on the 4th. we chatted and HE asked ME to call him later. that was the turning point for me/us, i think. had i peppered him with calls all week, he would not have asked. the next time i texted him for a movie and we went for tea instead. the next time was last night and i texted him for "doing something tongiht" -- he CALLEd this time instead of simply responding w/ a text. he was all for hanging out. he reiterated that this is hard for him, but said "i want to work things out". he meant that he needs time to move out of his house on his own, establish himself a little financially and business-wise, and he'll be MORe ready. we had a wonderful evening and i respected his wishes. then HE brought up going away next weekend. at this point, although we are NOT sleeping with anyone else or dating anyone else, we are not together together. i think that removing the label helps him mentally. i know he's not looking for anyone esle, but before i was so scared. now, you might notice that above i wrote how I called him, I texted him, i did this, I initiated that, I I I I I ...well, i know this,,,but it was in contrast to the consistent calls i always made before when i needed him more than he needed me. I I I I I did all of these things in the last 3 weeks because i felt ready to show him my better and supportive side. i assumed he would be too scared to contact me, as he didn't want to lead me on and couldn't predict my reactions -- because i was obviously hurt. so i believe the ball was actually in my court and that's why i didn't do the NC thing for more than 9 days. that initial period was very helpful though, and i DO wish i could have done it longer...but it was afecting my health and i simply went with my heart. you don't have to make up a set of rules about NC or how to deal with your now ex. you will go through a horrible flow of emotions, but keep one thing in mind -- breaks make people stronger when the right approach is taken. even though i do'nt see my ex every day, i actually feel that we are at our strongest/healthiest point ever!! because he is trying to make himself "right" for our relaitonsihp that he cares a great deal about. and i am happy about his objective, though my mind wanders and i freak out daily. it's simply a matter of contacting them a LOT less and giving them a LOT less of open emotion. protect yourself around them. unless they are a-holes, don't write them off. just focus on you and distance yourself -- you will get results but you have to be patient. at this point it's all i can do. i give up on anything else, cause i've already lost everything it feels!! just follow the process and things will turn around. i never thought my situation would and it IS!
Author djones Posted July 10, 2004 Author Posted July 10, 2004 Kate, Yeah I understand what you are saying, I hope I can hold out like you....I am going to follow your advice...I think we are in very similar situations...I just hope it works out for me. Today it was nice talking to her and we did the e-mail goof around so it was friendly..I will keep at it...I hope that she comes around....the way I look at it she could have dumped me by saying that I have no feelings for your or i think of you as a friend...but she did not she said it was b/c of timing and her new job position. so only time will tell if all works out
Kate Posted July 10, 2004 Posted July 10, 2004 but i promise you unless you seriously grip your cojones and think of this as an act, a pure act, you will NEVER get her. you have to remove youyrself from emailing, from calling, from everything. let HER contact you. tell her you are just respecting her space. don't be a fool. you have to remove yourself from everything because this girl COULD leave you for good if she realizes you have no spine. if someone loves you, you can DO NO WRONG. i thought i screwed up everything...but he wants to work things out -- (timing!) that tells me a lot. cause if it waasn't timing, i'd be lloooong gone for the way i acted at times over his detached behavior. it was all justified though!
Author djones Posted July 10, 2004 Author Posted July 10, 2004 Kate, I got ya, so far all the e-mails and phone calls are ALL initiated by her...I just responed to them...the e-maills I did take my time to answer them....the hard part is the phone calls...she calls me...since we broke up I have not called her...what do you think?
Author djones Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 Hey Guys, Today I feel like crap, I want to call her or e-mail to see how she is doing. I dont if its the right thing to do. I feel like I am lost now...
Author djones Posted July 12, 2004 Author Posted July 12, 2004 guys should i e-mail her today to see how she is doing?
oorG Posted July 13, 2004 Posted July 13, 2004 NO CONTACT! Be strong! I know it sucks but you HAVE to do it! Out of curiousity, what field is she in that her work is so demanding that she needs space?
Author djones Posted July 13, 2004 Author Posted July 13, 2004 She is a dietitician, I CAVED just now I e-mailed her and told her I still miss her. She replied that she still misses me. What do I do now!!!
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