hinatticus Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 My ex today said she would like to come to my next counseling session with me. I still have to find out from my counselor if that's even possible. But regardless, the fact that she asked must mean something. For those that don't know my situation... 4.5 year relationship, 5 months post break up, 2 year old son, I was a d*ck. I've been in counseling for my anger issues for a few months now. Btw, my counselor truly believes I've changed and she also believes I have what it takes to continue. We've been amicable throughout this whole situation except for a few bumps. Any thoughts?
Author hinatticus Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Thanks Alex. Just read it. I agree with what you've said so I feel pretty good. My counselor has asked me to get my ex into her own counseling. My counseling is free so im sure it wouldn't be a problem for her to get counseled with me. I'm just not sure what their policy is on having her sit in with me. Hopefully my counselor replies back tomorrow. My ex told me the other day that she cried at work because she thought she was hurting me. I told her she's not hurting me, I've hurt myself. My actions caused me to feel great shame and remorse. It's just nice to know she was thinking about me. Although I don't wish for her to cry. Anyway, if it's possible to do this joint session im hoping it can happen within the next two weeks. Otherwise it'll have to happen when my counselor gets back from holidays(1 month) Thanks again
AlexanderJames Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I dont see that it would be a problem, but that said I dont make a business out of counselling so.. It's nice to know you're thought about isnt it. And it's a bit nasty I guess but it feels good knowing that you have such an affect on the person still. Even tho theyre sad it's better than not being thought about or missed at all. If she wants to come with you to counselling and your counsellor doesn't want to do a joint session why not do a once off or twice off with a different counsellor who will (not neccessarily a "couples" counsellor but just a counsellor.) I don't think your ex needs counselling, otherwise she would be getting it. I feel she wants to see "your" counselling and how you open up and act during. Dont suggest her seeing her own counsellor on he own.
Author hinatticus Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Thank you Alex and Mary My ex actually could use counseling. She's been in counseling before for her own issues. She has anxiety and self esteem issues. Plus the affect I had on her didn't make her feel much better. I'm still waiting on my counselor to email me back. I'll let you guys know what happens. Mary, how are you holding up?
Mary Oak Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Day by day, my friend. Feeling down. ANd still confused. But, I have committed to trying to make this work. Thing is, I don't know if she has committed to it or not. I don't think she knows. I just try to be kind and not pushy. I believe one day she will tell me hope is over. Here comes another long weekend without her. ...
Author hinatticus Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Mary. I had no clue what my ex was thinking these past 5 months. I just stayed positive and happy whenever I saw her. That's all we can do. Practice what you learn whenever you get a chance with your ex. Don't worry about what she's thinking, chances are that she doesn't know and probably changes her mind daily. It's a long road Mary. Keep at it.
Mary Oak Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I have had some conversations with her the past few days and they have just been surface conversations. But have been pleasant. I just don't know if she thinks I am acting happy if she thinks I have moved on.
Author hinatticus Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 If she knows how much you love her, she knows you haven't moved on. I act indifferent sometimes, I've had nc for a week, and my ex knows I'm still in love with her. They just know.
Mary Oak Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Do you know if your ex has dated anyone or hung out with anyone? My ex tells me what she is doing and it is always hanging out with her family. Do you ever ask her? I always want to
QQsus Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Great, my doctor told me when he scheluded me to see therapist that it could be easier to understand bu if my ex would come to see too same time. I saw once alone and now end of month we go together, hope she dont bail out, cause its bad time of day. Good luck!
Author hinatticus Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Mary... I've asked her point blank if she is seeing anybody. She says no but then also says its not my business. Which is true, but I'd still like to know. I know for a fact there is a guy who is really interested in her. I know she's gone out with other people. What I don't know is to what extent. I basically tell myself this, it's been 5 months now and I'm pretty sure I'd know about something. I'm just taking my brother's advice on this matter. He says even if she goes out or talks with someone, it's cuz she's lonely and needs her ego stroked. Which I agree with. I wouldn't recommend asking her if she interested in someone else. A hard but reasonable way to look at it is this, you guys aren't together but you have a history together. You know her better than anyone. So if someone else comes into the picture you have the inside track. You just have to get your negative behaviors under control. Good thing for you is that you already know what those are. You don't want to push your ex away so don't do anything that will. That includes calling/texting all the time. But you already know that. There may be periods where she is distant and you want to give up. Only you can decide that. I've given myself a set amount of time to fight, but at the same time I will adapt to my situation accordingly. For instance, is she flat out starts telling how good a guy is in bed. I'm done. But if she casually goes out for lunch or the beach with work friends, I'll keep on truckin. Trust me, it will be hard but it's a test to see how much you actually love your ex. There may come a time where you say, I love her so much I'll let her go. I tell myself that everyday. There are times when I say, I f*cked up so bad I will redeem myself to her no matter what. It's a constant battle. Good luck Mary QQsus. I'm not sure about your situation, but good luck to you too.
Mary Oak Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 We talked on and off today via email... about nothing important. She mentioned she may go out of town for the weekend with her parents and brother. I just told her to have fun and I looked forwad to seeing her at work on Monday. She seems very sweet, but then again she is just a sweet person. She is def not resistant to communicating. BUt, I am going to try really hard not to text her this weekend. I am thinking about getting her a "thinking of you" card and putting it in her mailbox at work next week....too much? Are you excited about possibly going to counseling together? I would be nervous but still excited. Happy for you. Seems like you have set some boundaries for yourself. I feel like if she sees someone else, I would have to walk away. She has told me even if she starts talking to someone else a lot,she will tell me. I told her that I had no desire to see anyone else. It actually makes me panic to think about...and usually I am not like that at all.
Author hinatticus Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 I'm very excited at the possibility of going to counseling with her. Still haven't heard from my counselor. It's normal not to get a response for a couple of days, plus it's the weekend now. Hopefully Monday I'll hear from her(counselor). I'm not nervous at all. My counselor knows how hard I've been working these last few months. It would be nice to show my ex my changes from an actual professional. Mary.. I would do the card thing, whether or not it's too much I don't know. It all depends on if your ex is resentful or not. Try to keep busy this weekend. I know it will be hard, but try to focus on something else. Yourself! Really work on yourself. Learn about yourself. And try to have some fun. Post on here when you feel down. It has helped me cope during low times. I really feel your pain. I totally remember how messed up I was in the beginning. Feels like ages ago. I really hope you guys can reconcile. Just know if your ex really wants to see lasting change it will take several months for those changes to really take hold. I feeling a little down now. My ex is at some volleyball thing tonight and tomorrow. She doesn't play but was invited to play by some co workers. I won't contact her tomorrow but I'm going to take her out Bday shopping for my son on Sunday. That should be fun.
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