HenryHill Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) I'll try to keep this short. I proposed to my girlfriend of 4 years last February. She said yes, of course, and things are excellent for the most part. But there is one huge problem. She is not affectionate at all. I feel like an idiot saying this, because you would expect the girl to have this complaint about her guy. She never hugs or kisses me or anything like that, except for the daily peck before I leave for work and before bed each night. But most of the time it's like we're just pals. And when I try to show her some love, she just tenses up and doesn't reciprocate at all. She doesn't complain about me trying to give her a little lovin' but it's clear she is not interested. It wasn't always this way. Early on she couldn't get enough. But over the last two years or so, it's more like we're roommates instead of future husband and wife. A proposal is a big decision, and I definitely took my time on it, so I figured thats what the problem was. That maybe she was getting impatient and discouraged. But we've been engaged for about 5 months now and there is no improvement. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention we're not have sex. Like at all. If I'm lucky, we might do it once a month, every two or three months is more accurate. And when we do, it seems like a chore to her rather than something I would hope she would enjoy. And when we actually do it - it's missionary, lights off, I'm on top, no exceptions. She just lays there, no movement, no hands, no vocalization of how it feels at all. I'm flying blind. It's frustrating to say the least. For the first half of this relationship, we were doing it several times a week and it was great. She'd be willing to do it in different positions, even a little dress up from time to time. I just don't get it. We're young and I love her body. Unbelievably hot. And I make it known how beautiful I think she is. And not to toot my own horn, but I'm not so bad myself. And in case you were wondering, there was no sexual abuse or trauma or anything like that. I just don't get it. We're still in our mid 20's. Besides the things I mentioned we have an otherwise good relationship, we like the same things and have fun together. Finances are good. I work to pay the bills, she does some part time stuff for her dads company and goes to school. I've tried to talk to her about it a few times, real calmly and respectfully, but its usually brushed off or I'll only get one word answers, or the occasional "I don't know". Some of you may be thinking she's cheating, but I seriously doubt that and I have no other reason to think that. I'm sure as hell not going to accuse her of it. Because she wants to be with me. She talks about buying a house, and (ironically) having kids. So she's in it for the long haul. Everything is pretty much great. But I want a wife. Not a friend. I have plenty of those. I need some affection and a man also has needs, in certain ways only she can satisfy. Of course, she's much more than that to me, but its still very important. And it's nice to get that physical affection of a woman, not just sex necessarily. Its very emasculating to have to want my girl to act more like most girls do and show that she loves me. But thats my reality. So I'm here for ideas and insight. I'm not saying I want to call it off or anything, but I need to get this resolved. I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life. Edited July 20, 2012 by HenryHill
kizmet74 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I would suggest couples councelling before you get married.
norajane Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Are you two in a rut? Maybe it's just gotten boring with day to day living, so she isn't feeling it anymore. Do you go on dates with her? Do you plan days where you just go out and do something fun together, like a bike ride or to a summer concert or go out for some ice cream? Do you do anything romantic together, like a dinner at a nice place or a weekend away? Do you still flirt? Do you treat her like when you were dating, or like a couple that's been together a long time and doesn't make much effort to 'date' anymore? I don't think you should get married until you revive your relationship. A lifetime of little sex or bad sex isn't going to make either of you happy.
Eddie Edirol Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 if you take her on dates, like when you first started dating, go to couples councelling, and she still doesnt open up about what her problem is with you, then you have to leave her. But what you should do is tell her now that you are calling off the wedding until you can make the relationship better. That will wake her up and maybe you will get some info out of her.
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 And why would you marry someone who's so incompatible with you? 2
Stupid Girl Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 I had to comment because what you described is my last LTR, to a T. We were together 5 years, about the same age as you guys, engaged, no major problems, nothing to complain about (up until the last few months, when things started to fall apart). We loved each other so much. But what I didn't realize at the time, was I wasn't in love with him. I loved the security he gave me. I wanted him as a part of my life, couldn't imagine life without him. I would never have broken up with him. But I viewed him as a good friend, a roommate. And I treated him like one too. I wasn't interested in any sort of passionate physical connection, and our sex was very rare (probably at the same frequency you described). Eventually he broke up with me, partly/mostly due to the lack of sexual connection. I was completely heartbroken, but a year later I realize it was for the best. I'd say your girlfriend was me one year ago. She found a great guy, can't find any solid reason to justify not being with him, and because of that, can't justify leaving him. So she stays in a relationship she's not into anymore, maybe because she doesn't want to hurt you, maybe because she doesn't want to have to start over. But in my opinion, the only good and honest thing she/you can do is break up and be with somebody who is really, truly into you.
Forever Silent Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I'll try to keep this short. I proposed to my girlfriend of 4 years last February. She said yes, of course, and things are excellent for the most part. But there is one huge problem. She is not affectionate at all. I feel like an idiot saying this, because you would expect the girl to have this complaint about her guy. She never hugs or kisses me or anything like that, except for the daily peck before I leave for work and before bed each night. But most of the time it's like we're just pals. And when I try to show her some love, she just tenses up and doesn't reciprocate at all. She doesn't complain about me trying to give her a little lovin' but it's clear she is not interested. It wasn't always this way. Early on she couldn't get enough. But over the last two years or so, it's more like we're roommates instead of future husband and wife. A proposal is a big decision, and I definitely took my time on it, so I figured thats what the problem was. That maybe she was getting impatient and discouraged. But we've been engaged for about 5 months now and there is no improvement. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention we're not have sex. Like at all. If I'm lucky, we might do it once a month, every two or three months is more accurate. And when we do, it seems like a chore to her rather than something I would hope she would enjoy. And when we actually do it - it's missionary, lights off, I'm on top, no exceptions. She just lays there, no movement, no hands, no vocalization of how it feels at all. I'm flying blind. It's frustrating to say the least. For the first half of this relationship, we were doing it several times a week and it was great. She'd be willing to do it in different positions, even a little dress up from time to time. I just don't get it. We're young and I love her body. Unbelievably hot. And I make it known how beautiful I think she is. And not to toot my own horn, but I'm not so bad myself. And in case you were wondering, there was no sexual abuse or trauma or anything like that. I just don't get it. We're still in our mid 20's. Besides the things I mentioned we have an otherwise good relationship, we like the same things and have fun together. Finances are good. I work to pay the bills, she does some part time stuff for her dads company and goes to school. I've tried to talk to her about it a few times, real calmly and respectfully, but its usually brushed off or I'll only get one word answers, or the occasional "I don't know". Some of you may be thinking she's cheating, but I seriously doubt that and I have no other reason to think that. I'm sure as hell not going to accuse her of it. Because she wants to be with me. She talks about buying a house, and (ironically) having kids. So she's in it for the long haul. Everything is pretty much great. But I want a wife. Not a friend. I have plenty of those. I need some affection and a man also has needs, in certain ways only she can satisfy. Of course, she's much more than that to me, but its still very important. And it's nice to get that physical affection of a woman, not just sex necessarily. Its very emasculating to have to want my girl to act more like most girls do and show that she loves me. But thats my reality. So I'm here for ideas and insight. I'm not saying I want to call it off or anything, but I need to get this resolved. I don't think I can do this for the rest of my life. Couples Counseling Now.... Differences in sexual appetite can cause problems in marriages.
Radu Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I don't think it's a difference in sexual appetite, as she tenses also when he touches her. It's either affair or what Stupid Girl said, and if they can't reignite the spark [she holds some blame here], than they should go their separate ways. 1
Got it Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Why did you propose if those issues were present? Were you hoping that she would change back once you proposed? I too strongly recommend couples counseling. Most issues, especially ones like that, before the marriage do not get better after the walk down the aisle. I have the same issues and it only got worst. Do not feel less than because you want affection, there is nothing wrong with that. But communicate and see where the chips fall.
The Tallest One Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I agree totally with stupid girl! Just my opinion, but my parents were exactly like you two, my Dad always wanting affection, my Mom never recipicating! A lifetime is way too long to live in a relationship like this one. You're both at an age where you should be having sex like bunnies period! If you are determined to stick it out, at least seek couples counseling, but don't get married until things are "much improved". I agree with date nights and all that stuff, but honestly, to me it sounds like she loves you but isn't in love with you and you my friend deserve better!
RiverRunning Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Before we jump on the "She doesn't love you/she's having an affair" train, maybe let's think about a few other possibilities: OP, have her looks changed? Has she put on weight, lost weight, etc.? Has her fitness level changed (did she stop working out, eating worse food, etc.)? Could it be insecurity? I went through something similar - for me, it was because I was on birth control pills that killed my sex drive, and any kind of intimate touch from him made me think, "Oh Lord, we have to DO IT again." The sensation was pleasurable but I just didn't have the energy to do it. Could her tension just be dread? Is she insecure about her looks? If she's insecure about her body or something, she may well be thinking, "I'll have to expose myself to him if we have sex. But if I refuse him, I might hurt him or make him angry with me." Is she depressed in general? Have you noticed changes in her activities? Did she go from wearing make-up to never bothering to dress up anymore? Did she give up on working out, eating right, etc.? Has something big happened in her life recently (is she closer to graduating from school? Is someone ill/dying)? These are all questions to explore. Is there anything in her life that could be making her unhappy? Even 'happy' events may actually be depressive triggers. During my senior year of college, I gained 40 pounds. Even though I would be done with school, I'd have to start repaying tens of thousands in student loan debt, and all without any prospect of a decent job.
BluGamma Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Sounds like before you two actually get married is to take Couple Councelling. i wonder what her reasons are for being so... whats the word, i will just say frigid for now, like sex every two to 3 months? you dont really kiss or hug apart from the peck before you go to work and bed? Have you tried talking to her about it? Honestly i've talked to my fiancee about this before, not because we have been through it, but we both like to know how the other is feeling and we ended up talking about this same situation. The point she made was why would she say yes to marrying me if she didn't love me anymore? Good thing to do would be: 1. Try talking to her about it 2. If 1 fails then try couple councelling like most people have suggested here 3. if 1 and 2 fail then i would suggest just ending it and finding someone who truly loves you.
g450 Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 You need to ask yourself this question and be honest with your answer: If its this bad now, how bad do you think it will be ten years from now after you had kids etc? Coming from a marriage where I was sexually frustrated for over a decade I would tell you exactly what I would do. I would call off the wedding. But that's just me. Life is too short.
Silly_Girl Posted July 25, 2012 Posted July 25, 2012 A guy I know went ahead with the wedding. Fast forward ten years and she had an affair and left him, came back, then he had an affair and left her, they divorced... Luckily there were no kids otherwise the affairs probably would have happened but they'd have 'stuck together' for the rest of their miserable, lonely lives. Please don't marry someone under these circumstances. Get help or get out.
TheMeatloafJuggler Posted August 10, 2012 Posted August 10, 2012 One of the biggest red flags I see is you bring up the issue,have concerns, and you are brushed off. To me, this means if you feel you have a problem, it means NOTHING TO HER unless she feels it's also a problem. I can promise you that if you marry this girl, that the situation above will be a recurring and painful theme throughout your marriage. All your concerns will be refused to be addressed unless she feels like they have merit and are worth talking about with you. That's not just a lack of love, it's a lack of RESPECT. My advice? Install a keylogger on your shared computer. Check her cell phone records for strange numbers or high levels of texting. GPS track her car. Hire a private investigator to be sure. You think she's not cheating on you, but make sure. Lots of women hide cheating far far better than men do. If you find her cheating, say nothing, collect evidence, then kick her out. Then show evidence to her family, coworkers and friends. If you don't find her cheating, then ask her one last time to work on the issue with you. If she doesn't and refuses to work on it, then kick her out. If she does agree to work on it, then cancel all the wedding plans and delay the marriage for two years. See if she can learn to work on things and respect you and work on the issue before you recommit to her with an engagement. She works part time. Her plan is to marry you, cut you off from sex,except to get children, wait to get a house, wait until the kids are X age, then divorce you. She'll get what she wants, a house, kids, not having to work full time and half your money without having to sleep with you for it. Not having sex with you is bad, her behavior is passive aggressive, but the big big big problem is she DOES NOT RESPECT YOU. Without respect, there is no hope for a marriage, even a basic relationship to survive.
jimloveslips Posted August 13, 2012 Posted August 13, 2012 As with most of the people writing here you're asking the wrong person. Write her a letter, say the same stuff, sit her down, ask her to read it, then ask her how you can both move forward with your lives, either as a couple, or separately. You both have to have a synergy in this relationship - if you want to reduce it to a basic foundation, you both have to be happy. It isn't enough that you have more than twice the love for her. This isn't math. And there are no simple, straight forward answers - this is way harder than math. Some people can be happy in lop sided relationships - it's pretty obvious that you can't or else you wouldn't be writing here... You really need to sort this out now.
suki1 Posted August 29, 2012 Posted August 29, 2012 There are so many reasons why either partner might go off sex. Funnily enough my partner and I are just coming out of that very rut. The reasons were we had just bought our first house together and were getting used to running a household without the cleaning fairy (mums) anymore, plus getting used to bills and seeing if the financial plans we had worked well enough and stuff like that. As a result we were both so focused on other things and so tired in general that sex went off the radar a bit. So, have you had any major changes/upheavals? Other reasons might be; -depression -low self esteem -weight gain -illness -family stress -friends stress -work problems -stress of planning a wedding where gran wants great-aunt edith and her crew to come but you've never met them and she's not seen them since she was 2 and it would mean your friends can't come -medications affect sex drive too - plus a billion other things The real problem is you can't talk about it. Is this the norm for you two? When problems arise how do you usually deal with it?
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