The one relationship that changed you?

[ScienceGal]

This is a question for those who have been deeply heartbroken, but a lot of time has passed since, let's say at least one year post breakup. Was there one failed relationship that truly changed how you enter new relationships, or how you feel overall? How long was the relationship, what caused the split, how long since the breakup, and how are you/ what's going on in your life now? Open discussion.

[todreaminblue]

This is a question for those who have been deeply heartbroken, but a lot of time has passed since, let's say at least one year post breakup. Was there one failed relationship that truly changed how you enter new relationships, or how you feel overall? How long was the relationship, what caused the split, how long since the breakup, and how are you/ what's going on in your life now? Open discussion.

 

I am in the fifth year post intimate relationship, the relationship lasted for fifteen and 1/2 years so a huge chunk of my life ended and became a complete life change......the break up happened for many reasons not all his fault .....he had an affair when I was out of control with my mental illness....my teenage son had issues of a criminal nature where i was constantly in court and dealing with him unable to deal with juvenile detention because of court and having to also be there for my other four children I chose to forgo the medication so I didnt have cotton brain in the morning and be mentally alert at 8 in the morning in the court room.....my first gaff.......i began to fracture....I would push my ex away..i would jump out of my skin if he hugged me from behind..flashbacks of childhood abuse ..... he found comfort and sanity in someone else's arms.....i dont blame him he was struggling with helplessness just as much as I was with a son who had taken on as his own from 6 weeks of age....i gave him an ultimatum and we were burnt out....he had to go......and so did i court order hospital stay the longest one , my friends rallied and my tribe was looked after till i got better.......i moved interstate my ex begged me to stay.....i chose to concentrate on the tribe.......we remained friends......during the first year i tried online dating......twice.......after getting to know two men......the first date I went on was with an artist who didnt understand why i had never married and he would definately marry me he thought that six months was time enough to get to know your future partner......i explained that friendship was all I could offer and I wasnt right for him he deserved more than what i could give.....the second owned a construction company and loved architecture and told me on our first meeting that he lived with his wife but they were separating when the youngest finished schooling..his wife called and reminded him that they needed eggs for pancakes..i wished him well and gave him best wishes for his family....i gave up on the online dating .....i am actually content with being single with a tribe of kids...i have an active lifestyle... exercise is where i take out sexual frustration..killing my punching bag absorbs all the **** yous i never say..........alternate fast walking sprinting with a huge rottweiler puppy destroys my anxiety.....i go clubbing once a week to just dance....i cant consume alcohol.....i get mauled a bit but have figured out that if i dance to all the hyper songs intoxicated men cant keep up with the beat.........when i have an empty nest i have this simmering dream shimmering in hope that i will travel... would love to travel with a man who can handle me have a fresh perspective..... someone to laugh with.....make love on a secluded beach with.....but if I dont.....Ill soak up the sun listen to the hush of waves sliding in and i will be smiling...even if it is the medication that allows me to be me..maybe even finish my untitled story..right now my ex is hoping that I dont make any male friends that could become closer to me.....but I think its time i do..just not online dating for me i feel.....sorry its so long.....when I write i get foot in keyboard disease... it happens......deb

[avi_28]

I would have to say the current relationship I am in now has changed me a whole lot.

 

I was with my ex husband since I was 17 (I'm 29 now - 30 this year) and we got married then divorced 7 years later but in total of being together for 10 years....then 2 yrs later I met my now bf

 

I never EVER had any problems with my ex-hubs like I do now with my current bf... I can honestly tell you that as insane as I am going now I know things won't go so well with me once all is said and done and I am gone from here.

 

My bf constantly cheated on ALL the women he was with but somehow became a changed man and hasn't cheated... I just can't seem to wrap my mind around this "Changed Man" bc I can't get past his PAST and I feel like he just knows the right things to say to me so he can make me believe I am the crazy one.

 

I feel like I won't be able to move on or trust when I know in time that will happen but right now I am petrified of thinking about the future and scared of what may become.

 

It sucks..

[Jamesblame]

It's normal to rage at our exes when we just break up. They hurt us after all. And also...we hurt them. Breaking up is a terrible time for both people, and though the pain feels intense, and the connection totally unique...both are transitory.

 

And here's the hard part to swallow: That connection that we mourn(ed) is already gone. Now we just have to go through the steps of healing from the loss.

 

All relationships change you. Almost always for the better. At first there's growing pains and scars. But we learn so much about ourselves as we fade. I can easily appreciate my past relationships no matter how terrible they were. Any hard experience like a bad relationship will teach you about yourself, your values, and your boundaries. It's priceless information.

 

Hate your ex when you need to. But forgive them once you accept the relationship's end. Also use that ex to keep you being the best person you can be. Honestly, there's nothing better than living well and being able to altruistically love your ex.

 

You're free from a crap spot. And because of the ex, you don't have to worry about falling into the same situation with someone similar.

[villageman]

I have a little bit different take on this. I had a relationship of about 2 years end almost 6 months ago (I know that's a little less time than what the op is asking for but I think my experience might still be relevant.) Anyway, I dated a really fantastic girl who loved me and treated me really well, and in hindsight I was pretty clearly an immature, selfish ass for almost the entire relationship. This all happened in another country btw. I was working a bad job when I met her and knew that I might have to move home within a year or two to get a better job, but I asked her to move in with me anyways. She did pretty much everything she could to be a good girlfriend, and I didn't give her much back in return. After living together for about a year, I moved away to do grad school, just assuming that she'd be ok with doing a long distance relationship for a while. Needless to say, not long after, she broke up with me. I was pretty devastated, both because I'd lost her but also because I realized I'd hurt her pretty badly when I'd left for school.

 

Anyway, it wasn't until after the relationship was over that I realized how big of a jerk I'd been, and it's essentially entirely changed the way I think about relationships, dating, and the type of person I want to be. Before this relationship, I wanted a girlfriend for what she could give me. I pretty much only thought about what I was getting out of dating her (and I thought the same way in previous relationships as well), and almost never thought about why it was that she was dating me, or what I was doing for her as a boyfriend.

 

Now, (and I know this is kind of a no-brainer, but I seriously didn't get it until recently) I understand that being in a healthy relationship means in addition to having fun together, it's about supporting your partner, doing everything you can to make them happy, working together as a team and not focusing on the little imperfections that every person has. Like I said, nothing too complicated, but not something I realized before this relationship ended.

 

It's a little embarrassing, because I'm 30, and should be old enough to know better. I'm still in grad school too, and so even though I would really, really like to find someone to replace my ex, I'm going to hold off on dating for the next 2 years or so, so I can finish school, start a new career, and get myself in a position where, if I do find a girl I'm interested in again, I'll be able to be a good partner for her. Yeah, this relationship totally changed me, that's for sure. I should also say, after hurting her, and losing her, I don't even have any energy to start a new relationship right now. It's not something I'm going to actively look for, at least for a while, and it's because of how I was in this relationship.

Edited July 28, 2012 by villageman