nofool4u Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 <vulgar content deleted by moderation> Ok, I will make my point in a less vulgar way. Your H will be playing in his mind all the vulgar things you and the OM have done together. This is what you need to understand, Lisa. That you can't blame him for not wanting to stay with someone who has all the visions in his head of all the things you probably did with and to this other man. And you certainly cannot lay the breakup of the family on him.
Ninja'sHusband Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 Can He do this? First time poster here but a regular on another site. Trying somewhere else. My husband and I have had our ups and downs for almost 2 years now. We have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months but she seems to be the type that preaches forgiveness rather than reconciliation. My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life. I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride. I love my husband more than anyone and I am dreading being alone or with someone else at my age. My husband is not mean to me and doesn't talk down to me but can be very busy with his business and has little time for me lately. Our friends are worried about us and what this will do to us independently in the long run. We both have good jobs ( actually his is great ) and he makes serious money. I also make very good money. He did see an attorney about his marital obligations as did I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter. I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc. I need anyone to say what will work. please no therapy or anything of that nature. I just want him to talk too me more about this but he just needs to figure this out for himself so he says. To your first question: YES HE CAN And to your second (what will work) You need to show remorse and do whatever it takes to fix things. Break all contact with the OM, tell your H the total and full truth if you haven't. Show him how you've changed and that you put your family and him first while he deals with this grievous injury you've inflicted on him. Acknowledge his pain, legitimize it. Accept responsibility. Show and express the deepest remorse. Give him reason to believe this will never happen again. Love him if he'll accept it. and I'm sorry but I'm not pulling any punches here... You deliberately cheated on your H and won't consider counseling? Yes you are right, you should work on the problem, not avoid it. Don't put it on your husband to fix this. You deliberately threw away your 17 year marriage and family when you cheated, he didn't do it. How can you take it for granted that he should want to stay with you? That's a highly personal choice and even if he decides to stay it may be a mistake on his part, biting off more pain and insecurity than he can chew. 4
Jonah Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 How long must you suffer? You say your H is great. You must be too or you wouldn't have landed him. So give yourself a break and consider a new life. You can be happy again and you will but this past life I think is done now. Let it go as soon as you can. The longer you suffer with it, the longer you will suffer. Your mistake is in the past too. Live and learn. Hope you get well soon. -Jonah
nofool4u Posted July 23, 2012 Posted July 23, 2012 How long must you suffer? You say your H is great. You must be too or you wouldn't have landed him. Maybe you missed the part where she was concerned and disappointed that she wouldn't be able to get any equity in the house that his father owns. 2
mercy Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I was wondering when someone would come along and try to help her make a case for an excuse. I'm sorry my style of reaching out to another member has offended you. Although I really don't understand why, it matters not. 1
GLDheart Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 LadyLisa, You really only have one question. You can't believe anyone can have the character fortitude to make such a hard choice. Your question is more like "How can my husband have the strength to do what he knows is right?" Your cheating was easy... you just indulged an urge and "let it happen". Your Husband cutting you out like a deep rooted tumor is THE HARD CHOICE.
turnera Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 She won't be back. She expected to be commiserated with because, in her mind, it isn't that bad. After all, SHE survived it. Right?
nofool4u Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 I'm sorry my style of reaching out to another member has offended you. Although I really don't understand why, it matters not. Oh I wouldn't really call it offensive as much as its one of those "oh brother, here we go again moments" when someone tries to put a justification, excuse, or at the very least a teeny weeny bit of finger pointing at the betrayed spouse for the WS's choice to cheat.
nofool4u Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 She won't be back. She expected to be commiserated with because, in her mind, it isn't that bad. After all, SHE survived it. Right? What I find odd is that she, because she posted it, must have thought we would understand that she is disappointed that she wouldn't get as much out of a divorce monetary-wise as she'd like, none the least of which a house that her husband's father owns. Who does that? Who cheats, then tells the world it sucks she can't get someone elses money?
CALOVELY Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 For many people cheating is a dealbreaker. It would be for me. I would never be able to get the mental images out of my head and I would be revolted looking at my husband. I don't doubt that he still loves you, hence his forgiving you but love isn't always enough. You broke his heart and you are still minimizing your actions. To answer your question, yes he can do this and has every right to. He is a grown man who can chose to remain married to someone who broke their vows or he can chose to divorce that person. He has free will and he is using it. I would caution you with words like "throwing 17 years down the drain". That is really insulting to him and puts the blame squarely on him when the reality of it all is that your marriage didn't matter much to you until it was too late.
CALOVELY Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 Lots of women, unfortunately. I have read countless stories of men who cheat and then get up in arms when they have to pay child support/alimony. Anybody with a sense of entitlement thinks they are getting a raw deal, regardless of their actions. It isn't gender specific.
Woggle Posted July 24, 2012 Posted July 24, 2012 None of this would be happening if you didn't cheat. You chose to destroy this marriage and get mad when he rightly decides to get off a sinking ship. 1
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