Can he do this?

[scatterd]

I do understand how it does feels to not have that connection and love that you need. But you cant make him do what he does not want to do. It takes time to heal and get over the anger. The more you insist on him making it work the further he will run. He is hurt and feeling really betrayed right now. I don't like marriages breaking up nor does any one here. But some of us have been here awhile and heard allot of facts. You need to be totally remorseful no matter how he acted you did the big No No. What I am trying to get across is what he did was not good but what you did erased everything he did. That is how it is and now their is consequences to your actions. Come on you had to of known if you got caught he was not going to beg or plead you to work it out. I am sorry for all of your pain and your family.

Edited July 21, 2012 by scatterd

[Artie Lang]

Its almost like he stopped caring altogether.

 

^this.

 

 

you're only regret is getting caught/exposed.

Edited July 21, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Athena]

Can he do this, you ask.... Yes, he can! I am betting you are asking if he can do this (divorce you, against your wishes) and it's a funny thing, isn't it, how the 'expectations' of a marriage fall away after one party cheats (and you did something without HIS permission, when you slept with another man).

 

So -- he earns good money, he's a decent, faithful, loyal, hard-working man in his thirties... damn, some pretty young woman is going to just SNAP him up! Lucky him.

Dunno about you though -- with your track record of cheating, and getting on in age, and being dumped by your hubby, I don't know if any man will want you very much.

 

Too bad.

But perhaps you can go back to your Other Man? You know, the one you gambled your husband for? Try him.

[canuckprincess]

Can He do this?

First time poster here but a regular on another site. Trying somewhere else.

 

My husband and I have had our ups and downs for almost 2 years now. We have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months but she seems to be the type that preaches forgiveness rather than reconciliation. My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life.

I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride.

 

I love my husband more than anyone and I am dreading being alone or with someone else at my age. My husband is not mean to me and doesn't talk down to me but can be very busy with his business and has little time for me lately. Our friends are worried about us and what this will do to us independently in the long run. We both have good jobs ( actually his is great ) and he makes serious money. I also make very good money. He did see an attorney about his marital obligations as did I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter.

 

I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc.

 

I need anyone to say what will work. please no therapy or anything of that nature. I just want him to talk too me more about this but he just needs to figure this out for himself so he says.

 

 

 

Omg, how can you say he's throwing away 17 years!!!! You threw it away don't blame him cause although he forgives you he most likely knows he can never ever fully trust you again. Maybe letting him see what's out there will bring him back to you. Let him go, fix yourself and keep the lines of communication open and just maybe you'll win him back. Good luck

[ver13]

I am truly trying to see what it is that you expect from your H I think that he has done all that that he is able to do up to this point. Now it's up to you to stop your madness and get on with your new life as the EXW. I have read your brief response to the other post and the thing that stands out the most is the ME part and not the we. " Life is" so we have to live it no matter what the outcome of our choice's will bring us. You made a choice and your H has for now made one to so let him live with it. All that you had before is gone this is where you are right now so start looking at where you need to go instead of where you came from. He needs to move on and get his life back in order and it won't happen with you around. I always tell my son a person has to know when to stand up or sit down and at this time you need to take a seat.

[hurting tonight]

I hope things get better.

[Ladylisa]

Thank you hurting tonight.

I am feeling hurt and alone and just cannot wrap my head around what I am doing and have done. I feel utterly helpless at times and wish to feel at peace one way or another.

 

I still cannot come to terms with what may come of all of this. This mess i created because I was too ignorant to see what i had before i acted out on my feelings.

Almost every poster believes that I have not learned, or care about money, or just plainly think i go around screwing every young guy that talks too me. I understand I screwed up and i am trying to deal with that.

 

I do not want to imagine living a life without my husband. The kids will not understand why we may be apart. I don`t believe my husband understands what this may do to them but he says both of us must ease them into a new chapter of all of our lives. Together or apart.

 

I have told him that it is unfair that he strings me along. I never get a concrete answer from him in regards to us and he still says he is not sure. He has divorce papers written up but even he has not signed them. I found them in his desk drawer but I don`t think he knows I know about them.

I am devastated that he had them drawn up even though he told me that he was still debating.

 

We have talked a lot this weekend and I think his brother and my sil know whats going on. I was uncomfortable even though they were nice as usual to me.

 

Still fighting for my marriage as i do and always will love him. I cannot give up on him and he cannot give up on me and our family.

[2sunny]

HE didn't DO this - YOU did!

 

That's the part you don't seem to understand.

 

And stop generalizing - no one said you were screwing every young guy - ONE was enough to ruin the vow YOU didn't honor.

[BetrayedH]

I always find it interesting how the WS wants the BS to hurry up and get over it. They bust us in the mouth and then complain about how we're bleeding on the carpet. Let the man take as much time as he needs to heal.

 

As for the kids, you dropped a nuclear bomb on your family. But somehow you say, "He cannot give up on me and our family." You need to accept that he isn't obligated to keep the marital contract once you broke the marital contract. You cannot and should not guilt him into staying. He doesn't have ANY guilt in this situation.

 

In all seriousness, you need to READ, READ, READ about what it is for a spouse to be truly remorseful. I would start another thread and ask that exact question.

[mercy]

ladylisa, why did you have an affair? What was going on in your marriage?

 

As I said to you in my first post to you, my heart breaks at stories such as yours. Sadly in this life there are no take backs.

[BetrayedH]

I could name at least a half dozen male BS on this board whose VERY CLEARLY unremorseful wives read book after book . . . but their true character always won out in the end and the marriages either ended, are soon-to-be-ending or in danger of ending.

 

Luckily Lisa's BS can see RIGHT through her.

 

I am one of those BSs and my W is one of those WSs. Still, getting a clue is her only hope of her H staying and her having a chance at getting it. Not saying it's likely but it is her only shot.

[Artie Lang]

you sure seem to feel entitled, dontcha.

 

 

now you're blaming the kids' eventual unhappiness to his departure; not your cheating.

 

WOW! just.....WOW!

[Emme]

Can He do this?

First time poster here but a regular on another site. Trying somewhere else.

 

My husband and I have had our ups and downs for almost 2 years now. We have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months but she seems to be the type that preaches forgiveness rather than reconciliation. My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life.

I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride.

 

I love my husband more than anyone and I am dreading being alone or with someone else at my age. My husband is not mean to me and doesn't talk down to me but can be very busy with his business and has little time for me lately. Our friends are worried about us and what this will do to us independently in the long run. We both have good jobs ( actually his is great ) and he makes serious money. I also make very good money. He did see an attorney about his marital obligations as did I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter.

 

I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc.

 

I need anyone to say what will work. please no therapy or anything of that nature. I just want him to talk too me more about this but he just needs to figure this out for himself so he says.

 

 

I think you should be single. There's a lot of I's in your statements. Not we or us... Just I's. Let your husband go. Tell him you love him and your letting go because you want him to be happy. He's leaving this marriage because it might be that everything has to be about you. It might have nothing to do with the affair. Consider letting go. Good luck.

[Furious]

LL

 

You sound very panicked and seem to be in shock that your marriage is heading toward divorce, and perhaps you've been in denial that it could possibly happen.

 

You are now, as a last resort, are laying a guilt trip onto your husband by saying he will ruin the kids and your lives by divorcing.

 

Don't you see that he knows what you're trying to do by this, don't you see that it is another twist of the knife in his heart. Stop pouring salt on the wounds you put there and making him the bad guy.

 

Even with all that's happened he has treated you respectfully.

He deserves the same from you instead of the guilt you are throwing at him.

 

It is just so sad.

[Artie Lang]

you still don't "get it."

[ghgh750]

Lisa,

 

How Long was your affair for? Months?

 

The longer it is, the harder it is for him to recover and the more likely it is that you need to file for divorce yourself.

[2sunny]

Honestly you seem to haveno conscience. How can you even begin to think this is in him - it's ONLY on YOU because of what YOU DID - YOUR actions - this is only your consequence to YOUR ACTIONS.

[2sunny]

He most likely feels its over because you don't seem to consider how HE must feel at all.

 

That selfish attitude is what helped you cheat without remorse.

[Athena]

Thank you hurting tonight.

I am feeling hurt and alone and just cannot wrap my head around what I am doing and have done. I feel utterly helpless at times and wish to feel at peace one way or another.

 

I still cannot come to terms with what may come of all of this. This mess i created because I was too ignorant to see what i had before i acted out on my feelings.

Almost every poster believes that I have not learned, or care about money, or just plainly think i go around screwing every young guy that talks too me. I understand I screwed up and i am trying to deal with that.

 

I do not want to imagine living a life without my husband. The kids will not understand why we may be apart. I don`t believe my husband understands what this may do to them but he says both of us must ease them into a new chapter of all of our lives. Together or apart.

 

I have told him that it is unfair that he strings me along. I never get a concrete answer from him in regards to us and he still says he is not sure. He has divorce papers written up but even he has not signed them. I found them in his desk drawer but I don`t think he knows I know about them.

I am devastated that he had them drawn up even though he told me that he was still debating.

 

We have talked a lot this weekend and I think his brother and my sil know whats going on. I was uncomfortable even though they were nice as usual to me.

 

Still fighting for my marriage as i do and always will love him. I cannot give up on him and he cannot give up on me and our family.

You are so full of crap that you cannot see what is done is done. And by you. Not by your husband. By you. Now you want to also choose your marriage.

Next time you are faced with a choice, understand that by choosing ONE of them, you necessarily don't get the Other.

You chose the affair, therefore you did not choose your Marriage.

 

I love how you say you are "still fighting for my marriage as i do" when that ship has sailed.

[Just_A_Poster]

My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life.

 

I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride.

I would have to assume it was YOU that threw 17 years down the toilet with the "mistake" that you made - not your husband.

 

Some people just don't want to invest any longer in a spouse who has violated their trust, simply put. You violated his trust. You act as though it's HIM bringing about the end of your marriage. It was your actions and yours alone that did it.

 

Own your sh*t for God's sakes.

[NotCamelot]

I always find it interesting how the WS wants the BS to hurry up and get over it. They bust us in the mouth and then complain about how we're bleeding on the carpet. Let the man take as much time as he needs to heal.

 

BH, you got that exactly right.....still dealing with that one from my wife: "you need to just get over it".....but HOW?

 

LadyLisa, if you really want to try to keep him, you have to back off. It really is not helping if you keep pushing him.

 

And what are you doing to prove you are sorry, what are you doing to earn trust? WORDS are not enough. You have to demonstrate to him that you really want to reconcile.

 

Remember the old saying: Actions speak louder than words.

[turnera]

I have told him that it is unfair that he strings me along.

Lisa, I really am on your side and want you to R, but....

 

how DARE you tell him that he is acting unfairly?

 

You have a LOT to learn about what your infidelity did to him.

 

You have a LOT of hitting rock bottom to do, to get to a place of humility. You will NEVER get him back until you utterly debase yourself for him and cut out the 'you're being unfair to me' talk.

 

You have cut his heart out with a jagged knife, and YOU feel you're being treated poorly?

 

How dare you?

 

Ask your therapist why YOU cannot stop caring more about yourself than him. THAT might get you your family back.

[dreamingoftigers]

First off I have never even thought about "cashing in on my cheating". I would never do that to him.

Secondly, my concern with our home is that we have been there for many years and I just don't want to leave without my family. My husband loves it and its the only home our children have ever known. He says that he will not leave it to me but my father in law told him that I would not be allowed to live there without my husband regardless, even if my husband moved out instead.

 

I can understand that he was hurt and he did go threw a pretty dark period but I did to. I have not had a good nights sleep in months and his lack of affection isn't helping things. I know he still loves me because he has told me but he also states he will ALWAYS love me despite what the future will hold for us.

He will not go to see a Councillor with me and I will stop when I feel better about myself.

 

My very short and pointless escape only lasted a few weeks and I realized what I was doing was terrible. I ended it with him but he confronted my husband in our driveway and told him pretty much everything just to try to destroy me. He was a 28 year old childish and arrogant kid who saw me as a "coug" or MILF as he once told me. To this day I am not even sure what I saw in him. BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE.

 

The worst thing about it was that I probably never would have told my man about any of this because of what might or is happening. But I also thought we could have worked through this together and if he does love me than I just hope that he tries.

 

The biggest problem lies with my husbands attitude toward me. It is almost a

professional relationship with me. His smile is amazing but it is almost an effort for him with me. it breaks my heart that he can sit on the couch with me and talk but the second I touch him or cuddle or anything, he simply gets up and goes outside or starts on his iphone or anything except be with me. He stopped initiating sex with me and sometimes passes out in the living room or at his desk. It is a very sad and lonely place for me at times.

 

I will do nice things for him and he acknowledges them which I love. He still tells me I am beautiful and sexy but almost like he is forcing himself. He did ask me to stop meeting him for lunch on Fridays since he works through his lunch now and he actually learned how to tie his own tie. I miss doing that or him in the mornings but he says he prefers to do it himself now.

 

Its almost like he stopped caring altogether. Dinner parties and family

gatherings are also very uncomfortable for both of us. He tries to avoid these as much as possible.

 

This is just a bad time for both of us and neither of us have told our children about what I have done or what may come of it all.

 

This guy is really hurting. You are missing all of those obvious cues and focussing on your own pain and loneliness, which is probably what got you into this situation to begin with.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if he found himself an "ego-boost" very soon.

[nofool4u]

I do not want to imagine living a life without my husband. The kids will not understand why we may be apart. I don`t believe my husband understands what this may do to them

 

I'm sure he understands, but also realizes that if he can't stomach being with a woman that screwed another man behind his back, that staying for the kids is the wrong reason. If he can't be happy, then the kids aren't going to see a happy father and it will negatively affect them. I know.

 

 

I have told him that it is unfair that he strings me along.

Uh, what? Its unfair that he isn't making a decision as fast as you'd like?

 

Sorry, you don't get to dictate the time in which it takes him to make a decision. You cheated.

 

If anything isn't fair, its not fair to him to have had a wife that had sex with another man.

 

 

Still fighting for my marriage as i do and always will love him. I cannot give up on him and he cannot give up on me and our family.

He will never give up on his children. He most certainly can give up on you. Thats his choice.

 

<vulgar content deleted by moderation>

 

Knowing that he will be playing these mind porn movies of what you and the OM did is all the reason he needs to leave you.

 

And the fact that you already were looking over what you would get and not get if a divorce were to become reality says all too much about you.

 

It says, "I cheated and it will be my husband that destroys the family if he decides to leave, not my cheating. And if he does leave, I'm going to see just what I can get out of the deal."

 

In my mind, unfaithful spouses should get squat in a divorce. Unfortunately, that is the law.

 

And here you are saying its unfortunate that you can't get as much as out of a divorce as you would like, which is just but another reason that he needs to leave for his own well being and start a new life away from someone who not only cheats, but feels entitled to compensation for her cheating.

Edited July 23, 2012 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[nofool4u]

ladylisa, why did you have an affair? What was going on in your marriage?

 

I was wondering when someone would come along and try to help her make a case for an excuse.