Ladylisa Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Can He do this? First time poster here but a regular on another site. Trying somewhere else. My husband and I have had our ups and downs for almost 2 years now. We have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months but she seems to be the type that preaches forgiveness rather than reconciliation. My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life. I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride. I love my husband more than anyone and I am dreading being alone or with someone else at my age. My husband is not mean to me and doesn't talk down to me but can be very busy with his business and has little time for me lately. Our friends are worried about us and what this will do to us independently in the long run. We both have good jobs ( actually his is great ) and he makes serious money. I also make very good money. He did see an attorney about his marital obligations as did I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter. I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc. I need anyone to say what will work. please no therapy or anything of that nature. I just want him to talk too me more about this but he just needs to figure this out for himself so he says.
GLDheart Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I showed my Fiancee the door after she cheated. It broke my heart to do it. Today was actually a pretty rough day, but I'll save the details. She made her choice and she can live with the outcome. I won't coddle her selfish choice by letting her plead "only human" and "just a mistake". Maybe with your husband you should understand where he is coming from. You need to know that you changed the way he will forever see you. Nothing will ever be as it was. You did this. 1
Plan 9 from OS Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 It's your husband's prerogative to choose to walk away from the marriage. He earned the right based on the fact that you were unfaithful to him. You honestly can't blame the guy considering that once the trust is broken it is extremely hard to get it back. Maybe if you described your circumstances a bit more then perhaps someone may be able to give you better advice on how to try to reconcile. Me personally, I don't blame your husband and understand why he would want the divorce. He probably doesn't want the hassle of worrying about where you are and what you are doing for years down the road. JMO. 3
foolme Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Can He do this? First time poster here but a regular on another site. Trying somewhere else. My husband and I have had our ups and downs for almost 2 years now. We have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months but she seems to be the type that preaches forgiveness rather than reconciliation. My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life. I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride. I love my husband more than anyone and I am dreading being alone or with someone else at my age. My husband is not mean to me and doesn't talk down to me but can be very busy with his business and has little time for me lately. Our friends are worried about us and what this will do to us independently in the long run. We both have good jobs ( actually his is great ) and he makes serious money. I also make very good money. He did see an attorney about his marital obligations as did I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter. I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc. I need anyone to say what will work. please no therapy or anything of that nature. I just want him to talk too me more about this but he just needs to figure this out for himself so he says. Wow, he stuck around for 2 years? He's a better man than I. When I discovered my 1st wife was having an affair (which was later revealed to be her 2nd such dalliance of the marriage), I all but fast-tracked the divorce, since we had been living apart for some months already when I took a job out-of-town and had no kids. Interestingly, the ex-wife did ask for forgiveness after her lover dumped her just weeks before our divorce hearing. She then also asked if she could come visit, which I rebuffed. Months later, she called at a most inopportune time, as I was in the middle of lunch with the woman who I eventually made my 2nd wife. The latter encouraged me to go ahead and answer, but I kept the conversation brief, which absolutely ENRAGED the ex-wife who, I'll always remember these exact words, "After all the years we spent together, you OWE me!" Yeah, I hung up shortly after...
whichwayisup Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride. He didn't throw away 17 years of marriage down the toilet due to principles and pride. He may not be able to forgive you, he tried to, but it didn't work out and he can't get past that you cheated on him, betrayed him. Like it or not, he has a right to feel that way.. You cannot force him to be nice and lust after you like he once did. YOU ruined that by betraying him, cheating on him. That blind faith and trust he once had in you, you took that away and ruined it.. Forever. How long was your 'mistake' aka affair? A mistake is a one night stand. Your affair was no mistake since you lied daily, snuck around for months or years behind his back. 2
mercy Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Can He do this? First time poster here but a regular on another site. Trying somewhere else. My husband and I have had our ups and downs for almost 2 years now. We have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months but she seems to be the type that preaches forgiveness rather than reconciliation. My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life. I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride. I love my husband more than anyone and I am dreading being alone or with someone else at my age. My husband is not mean to me and doesn't talk down to me but can be very busy with his business and has little time for me lately. Our friends are worried about us and what this will do to us independently in the long run. We both have good jobs ( actually his is great ) and he makes serious money. I also make very good money. He did see an attorney about his marital obligations as did I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter. I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc. I need anyone to say what will work. please no therapy or anything of that nature. I just want him to talk too me more about this but he just needs to figure this out for himself so he says. This reminds me of a song - Bonnie Raitt - I Can't Make You Love Me - Ohne Filter... - YouTube It just breaks my heart to read a post like yours. It's called consequences and woulda shoulda coulda done it differently if you could now but it's too late. You really can't make someone feel something they don't. Maybe in time but not now. Let him go, let him make choices for his life, as you did. If he has a ounce of love left for you when he leaves he may begin to feel it again, even miss you. Give him time and freedom, allow him to come back to you on his terms. You have to let him go to get him back. Living with regret is the worse. He has forgiven you, now you need to forgive yourself. 2
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Can He do this? First time poster here but a regular on another site. Trying somewhere else. My husband and I have had our ups and downs for almost 2 years now. We have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months but she seems to be the type that preaches forgiveness rather than reconciliation. My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life. I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride. I love my husband more than anyone and I am dreading being alone or with someone else at my age. My husband is not mean to me and doesn't talk down to me but can be very busy with his business and has little time for me lately. Our friends are worried about us and what this will do to us independently in the long run. We both have good jobs ( actually his is great ) and he makes serious money. I also make very good money. He did see an attorney about his marital obligations as did I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter. I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc. I need anyone to say what will work. please no therapy or anything of that nature. I just want him to talk too me more about this but he just needs to figure this out for himself so he says. You have no basis for the marriage mainly because YOU are only worried about getting things YOUR way! Your actions have consequences! And since he thinks he deserves a wife who doesn't cheat - THAT'S NOT YOU! You act like you don't need to work on yourself - yet you are selfish and self serving - STILL only thinking of YOU! That's disgusting! You aren't sorry you cheated - only sorry you got caught. Your H deserves better than what you've offered him. Get counseling - you need help!
alexandria35 Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Ladylisa I do agree with the posters here although I'm sure it sounds harsh to you, but I don't think you are grasping the enormity of the damage you did. I think it play out this way for a lot of guys who have been cheated on. At first they think they can reconcille and get over it and then the more time that goes by the more they realize that they just can't. I have seen men here who's wives cheated on them twenty years ago or more and they say it still eats away at their insides until this very day. Some guys just can't get past it, not even if they really wanted to in the beginning. You don't sound very remorseful or empathetic to him. Your title states "Can He Do This?" Can he do what? Leave you? Well of course he can. He has the freedom to do whatever his heart desires just like you had the freedom to follow your desires when you cheated on him. Later you say you want to convince him that you're the best thing for him. Uhh..how did arrive at that conclusion? Have you been cheated on? Do you know how it feels? You completely and utterly destroyed him and now you want him to believe that you're the best that he deserves. I sure hope your reconcilliation speeches to him don't include telling him how lucky he is to have you because believe me, hearing that, from you, has got to make him feel pretty bitter about it all. You should be telling him how wonderful he is, not how wonderful you are. Forgiveness doesn't mean you owe anything to the person who hurt you. It just means that he doesn't hate you for it or feel any lasting resentment or anger about it. I've truly forgiven people who have hurt me before and it's wonderful...for me, because now I don't waste precious energy or emotions getting myself tied up into knots over how so and so did me wrong. Forgiveness has set me free from emotional angst and mental anguish. Still I'm not about to call these forgiven people up and tell them I want to be best buddies again or I want them back as my significant other. I'm not saying that can't happen or it would be wrong of me to do that, just that I'm under no obligation to call them back into my life just because I've forgiven them. Mostly I agree with Mercy. You can't manipulate him to stay married to you if thats not what he really wants. You can't make anyone want something or feel a certain way just because it's what you want or how you feel. Let him go, move on with your life, learn from your mistakes and maybe at some point your husband will miss you and want to try again. 1
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 And thank god he stands on principles! At least one of you does! YOU did this - NOT HIM! You ruined it - own it! He doesn't owe you forgiveness... That might come from yourself if you get honest! 1
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 With every action there is a reaction - unfortunately most cheaters don't realize that when they need that ego feed. Your Husbands reaction is healthy for himself. Respect that he knows he deserves better than a wife who cheats.
Silly_Girl Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Things sound tough. How are your kids taking things? Do they know of your affair? To help me understand your husband's point of view who was your affair with and how long did it last? Please think about what you're projecting in life, to your family. You seem desperate for him not to leave - and some of that seems to be concerns about material wealth. And you feel as though he 'should not do this to you', yet it seems as though HE most likely feels he has stuck by you as best he can and done his darnedest and has sadly found that this is something he can't get past. If a girlfriend of yours had been cheated on, and didn't leave but came to you and said "Oh Lisa, I've tried so hard, I wanted to get past this but I can't. I keep imagining him with *her*, I don't feel attractive to him any more, I resent that he lied to me, I just can't trust him. I wish this had never happened but I simply can't live like this any longer. It's eating me alive..." I bet you'd empathise with your friend, support her, and respect her decision. I think your husband needs you to respect his decision. You can't force him to stay or to accept what's happened, but if you try to you're on a one way street to DivorceLand, and you'll be very unhappy the whole way there. I think you need to look at your life, look at how you spend your time, what makes you feel happy and whole, start focusing on getting your head out of this one-track path of insisting your husband is making a mistake. Who knows, maybe a different attitude and approach may even improve relations between the two of you. Whether you stay together or split your kids need you two as amicable and centred as possible, if you take responsibility for yourself I daresay your husband will do the same. Good luck. 2
seren Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I think that often an A brings to the surface a lot of questioning of whether we (general) are truly where we want to be and whether we love the WS enough to put in the slog and hard work needed to reconcile. For some of us who have been on the BS side of things, the balancing of do I love, need or want this person to forgive them the A versus the shall I leave and find someone I love and begin again, is a struggle. He has tried for 2 years to balance the scales in favour of your marriage, unfortunately it sounds like he has weighed heavily on the, nope cannot do it and I (he) want to begin again. I get that you are in turmoil at his decision and I think that most people don't think for one moment they will be caught and if they are that it wont be a huge deal, unless you have felt the hurt of betrayal you can never know how damaging it can be. Reconciling and remorse isn't just about, it happened, I am sorry can we now forget it and move along because this is what I want. It is more about a lot of soul searching on the part of the BS, the, do I really want to spend time with someone who can do this, can risk all, for their own ends and the balancing begins when we (BS) think, OK, I can forgive the person and maybe if they make me feel they will never go down that route again we have a chance, and so begins the slow, painful process of healing. It sounds like your H has reached the stage of indifference and that, IMHO, is far worse than hate, it seems he has accepted that he wants out and has a course ahead he thinks is better for him than your marriage. I am sorry that you now realise that your H was the one you wanted to be with, and while I am sure you would undo the past, you cannot. Maybe you and he can talk about the possibility of beginning a new relationship together, but it sounds like he has made up his mind. I will say that you sound incredulous that he has chosed this path, but I'll bet it is nothing compared to his incredulity that the A happened in the first place. All you can do is to make the split as smooth as you can for your children. Dammed A's, are they really worth it? 2
NotCamelot Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Ladylisa..... I wonder how you would be feeling or reacting if your husband was the one who cheated. Would you be so quick to put it in the past the way you are wanting him to do? I don't think so. It seems that you have no idea how bad you have hurt him. I've been there, still there, and I can tell you how your husband feels. There is nothing you worse that you could have done. And especially with 17 years.......you say that like it means something to you. You say that like it should matter to him. You showed him that the 17 years did not matter to you....why should it matter to him?
Summer Breeze Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Can He do this? First time poster here but a regular on another site. Trying somewhere else. My husband and I have had our ups and downs for almost 2 years now. We have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months but she seems to be the type that preaches forgiveness rather than reconciliation. My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life. I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride. I love my husband more than anyone and I am dreading being alone or with someone else at my age. My husband is not mean to me and doesn't talk down to me but can be very busy with his business and has little time for me lately. Our friends are worried about us and what this will do to us independently in the long run. We both have good jobs ( actually his is great ) and he makes serious money. I also make very good money. He did see an attorney about his marital obligations as did I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter. I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc. I need anyone to say what will work. please no therapy or anything of that nature. I just want him to talk too me more about this but he just needs to figure this out for himself so he says. In the most cruel way possible you showed him you ARE NOT the best thing for him. I forgave my xH his infidelity but I never gave serious thought to getting back together with him. Bless his heart he tried. He showed me my real value to him when he cheated and you did just the same. I agree with Seren. His lack of any sort of love or hate is bad news for you. I look at what you wrote and think how selfish you are. If you want him back you have some serious letting go to do and then sort yourself out with the hope he'll notice something good in you again. 1
Artie Lang Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 one stupid mistake. it wasn't a mistake. it was a choice. he's not throwing away the marriage. you did by cheating. 1
freestyle Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 2 + 2 = 5 is a mistake. Getting naked with someone else when you're married is NEVER a mistake. In most cases, there were several deceptions on the way to getting naked with someone else. Until you can TRULY empathize with how it feels to the person waiting at home alone-- wondering- losing sleep- knowing something's up but not wanting to think the worst-- (beating yourself up for even thinking the worst) questioning whether or not you're losing your mind because things just aren't adding up--words and actions aren't matching Only to find out that , no, you WEREN'T crazy, you were being DECEIVED (by the one person who promised to have your back) Until you seriously imagine that DAILY pain, inflicted by someone who didn't respect you enough to be forthcoming with you..... You will never be able to grasp the enormity of the damage your choices did. There are times that being betrayed can cause permanent damage to a person's ability to trust. And for what? Because the WS was either too cowardly or selfish to be straightforward. Calling it a "mistake" is a HUGE insult to the person who suffered the most damage, and paid the highest cost for their partner's selfishness. And anything that smacks of, "hurry up and get over it already, so I don't have to feel bad about myself.....(rug-sweeping) further invalidates the injured party and increases their pain......... If you put ANY pressure on your H to rug-sweep his LEGITIMATE feelings, of course you're going to drive him away. My advice is to read and read and read and read, and really try to imagine how IT FEELS to be in the shoes of a BS. Only when you truly empathize with that side of the triangle, will you begin to understand how how amazing it is that he spent two years after D-day attempting to reconcile with you. Reconciliation is a gift.............. 2
BetrayedH Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 it wasn't a mistake. it was a choice. he's not throwing away the marriage. you did by cheating. Her not understanding this ^^^^^ (even after two years) is exactly why the poor guy is finally throwing in the towel. 2
scatterd Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 I wonder if you have been a open book to him given him all your pass words to your computer and such. Have you shown him remorse and have you felt his side? As time goes by after someone cheats you are able to see things as they are. At first it is so devistating that all you think of is the pain. After two years comes the real thoughts of how you feel . He may regret not leaving when it first happened this is really hard to get through. I was told I had to forgive from the beginning or just leave now. I felt I do not have to do that I am not the one that did this. Think about that. It pisses me off to this day. Why did I have to do all the work why is it me that has to eat all the ----. Give him time to think and decide from afar what he wants he may deside to come back who knows. I wish the best for you both. 1
NotCamelot Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Can He do this? I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter. I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc. I just re-read your post. And, you are more concerned about you are losing than you are about losing your husband. I would guess that he sees that more than the rest of us do. It also seems that he is being too generous, in my opinion. Trying to be helpful and not so judgemental here......but if you really want him for the right reasons....demonstrate that. That is probably the only chance you have. If I were in his position, I would be reacting the same as he. Stop the selfishness that you have shown him and demonstrate love, respect, and, most of all, show him that you truly are sorry and will do what it takes to earn his love ...........then, you may have a chance.. 1
nofool4u Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Can He do this? First time poster here but a regular on another site. Trying somewhere else. My husband and I have had our ups and downs for almost 2 years now. We have been seeing a therapist for about 8 months but she seems to be the type that preaches forgiveness rather than reconciliation. My husband had said over and over that he does forgive my mistake but no longer wants to try and reconcile. We are both in our late 30's and he says he would like to see what is out there for the second half of his life. I guess i figured that when one forgives, the they should have to work on fixing the problem whatever it may be. Not throwing 17 years down the toilet for principles and pride. Oh no no no. You don't get to say HE is the one throwing it all away if he doesn't want to reconcile. YOU threw it all away the day you decided to stray. This is on you, not him. I love my husband more than anyone If that were TRULY true, you wouldn't have cheated on him. and I am dreading being alone or with someone else at my age. My husband is not mean to me and doesn't talk down to me but can be very busy with his business and has little time for me lately. Ah here we go:rolleyes: Blaming your decision to cheat on him. Our friends are worried about us and what this will do to us independently in the long run. We both have good jobs ( actually his is great ) and he makes serious money. I also make very good money. He did see an attorney about his marital obligations as did I. I wont see alimony according to my lawyer because I make to much Why should a cheating wife get alimony anyway? Thats always rich. Woman cheats on her husband, and her infidelity is rewarded with alimony. What baffles me more is a wife that cheats and thinks she deserves alimony. but he agreed to give me the new car and half of our savings. He gets to keep the house unfortunately because his father is the legal owner and even my husband cant sell it because it is not his ( verified unfortunately ). Unfortunately? Looking to cash in on your cheating? He says he would agree to joint custody and an even split in time with our son and daughter. I am about to lose everything that i have because of one stupid mistake. No, you aren't going to lose everything you have. You have a good job, and with the exception of the house, 1/2 the marital assets are yours. And it wasn't a mistake. You cheated because you wanted it. I need to convince him that we are meant to be together forever and I am the best thing for him. If you two were to stay together, your H would be forever haunted by the visions of you and another man together. He'll be thinking about how you were enjoying being penetrated by another man, and all the moans and orgasms that come with it. You really think that is the "best" for him? Thats pretty sad if that were true. You may think you are the best thing for him, but your husband now will have things that will torment him about you from time to time. He used to lust after me and do nice things or me but lately it is just hello, goodbye, too busy, too tired, working on his old mustang, etc. This right here proves it wasn't a mistake. You did another man because you wanted to do another man, and you are using this as the excuse. Not a mistake. I need anyone to say what will work. please no therapy or anything of that nature. I just want him to talk too me more about this but he just needs to figure this out for himself so he says. Depends on the type of man he is. You could be the most perfect wife from here on out, never leave the house so he has no doubts about what you are doing, no going out with friends, or going to social events without him. You could be the perfect wife, and he will still be haunted by visions in his head. There are, however, SOME men, and I feel they are few and far between, that could move on and not let this bother them. But even if you ask the ones that are here, they will still tell you that the thoughts of their wives' betrayal still enters their mind. But if your H makes up his mind and doesn't want to be with you any longer, then at least you can do right by him in the divorce. But sounds like you aren't interested in doing that....."unfortunately". 1
nofool4u Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 And the question is, what is with your question of "Can he do this?" Do what? Divorce you for your infidelity? Absolutely. Or are you meaning about the house in his father's name? Sure sounds like he decides to divorce that you want to cash in on your cheating.
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 He can do what the law allows for your jurisdiction. You broke the marital agreement. He looks like he has healthy boundaries! And smart enough not to have assets put into your name.
Author Ladylisa Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 First off I have never even thought about "cashing in on my cheating". I would never do that to him. Secondly, my concern with our home is that we have been there for many years and I just don't want to leave without my family. My husband loves it and its the only home our children have ever known. He says that he will not leave it to me but my father in law told him that I would not be allowed to live there without my husband regardless, even if my husband moved out instead. I can understand that he was hurt and he did go threw a pretty dark period but I did to. I have not had a good nights sleep in months and his lack of affection isn't helping things. I know he still loves me because he has told me but he also states he will ALWAYS love me despite what the future will hold for us. He will not go to see a Councillor with me and I will stop when I feel better about myself. My very short and pointless escape only lasted a few weeks and I realized what I was doing was terrible. I ended it with him but he confronted my husband in our driveway and told him pretty much everything just to try to destroy me. He was a 28 year old childish and arrogant kid who saw me as a "coug" or MILF as he once told me. To this day I am not even sure what I saw in him. BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE. The worst thing about it was that I probably never would have told my man about any of this because of what might or is happening. But I also thought we could have worked through this together and if he does love me than I just hope that he tries. The biggest problem lies with my husbands attitude toward me. It is almost a professional relationship with me. His smile is amazing but it is almost an effort for him with me. it breaks my heart that he can sit on the couch with me and talk but the second I touch him or cuddle or anything, he simply gets up and goes outside or starts on his iphone or anything except be with me. He stopped initiating sex with me and sometimes passes out in the living room or at his desk. It is a very sad and lonely place for me at times. I will do nice things for him and he acknowledges them which I love. He still tells me I am beautiful and sexy but almost like he is forcing himself. He did ask me to stop meeting him for lunch on Fridays since he works through his lunch now and he actually learned how to tie his own tie. I miss doing that or him in the mornings but he says he prefers to do it himself now. Its almost like he stopped caring altogether. Dinner parties and family gatherings are also very uncomfortable for both of us. He tries to avoid these as much as possible. This is just a bad time for both of us and neither of us have told our children about what I have done or what may come of it all.
whichwayisup Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 Your husband has emotionally detached from you. Also, if it wasn't for the OM spilling it to your husband, you say you never would have told him the truth? OM told him not to screw you over, well, maybe part of him did, but he felt your H needed to know the truth. Right or wrong - He allowed your husband to make a decision about the marriage.. Like you did by cheating. You threw away everything - Family unit, comforts of that home .. Not your husband. Allow him to stay in the house with the kids and go rent a place for yourself. Pretty it up and get the kids to help pick paint colours, decorate etc, so they feel included (when the time comes you two do talk to them about this) and not as torn up as they're gonna be when they find out what is going on. Family counselling can help, so consider that. Not to work things out with your husband as husband and wife, but to learn to co parent together in a healthy way. Sorry to say this, but your marriage is over. your husband made the choice and as much as you hate it, he's doing this because it's what feels right to him.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 First off I have never even thought about "cashing in on my cheating". I would never do that to him. Secondly, my concern with our home is that we have been there for many years and I just don't want to leave without my family. My husband loves it and its the only home our children have ever known. He says that he will not leave it to me but my father in law told him that I would not be allowed to live there without my husband regardless, even if my husband moved out instead. I can understand that he was hurt and he did go threw a pretty dark period but I did to. I have not had a good nights sleep in months and his lack of affection isn't helping things. I know he still loves me because he has told me but he also states he will ALWAYS love me despite what the future will hold for us. He will not go to see a Councillor with me and I will stop when I feel better about myself. My very short and pointless escape only lasted a few weeks and I realized what I was doing was terrible. I ended it with him but he confronted my husband in our driveway and told him pretty much everything just to try to destroy me. He was a 28 year old childish and arrogant kid who saw me as a "coug" or MILF as he once told me. To this day I am not even sure what I saw in him. BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE. The worst thing about it was that I probably never would have told my man about any of this because of what might or is happening. But I also thought we could have worked through this together and if he does love me than I just hope that he tries. The biggest problem lies with my husbands attitude toward me. It is almost a professional relationship with me. His smile is amazing but it is almost an effort for him with me. it breaks my heart that he can sit on the couch with me and talk but the second I touch him or cuddle or anything, he simply gets up and goes outside or starts on his iphone or anything except be with me. He stopped initiating sex with me and sometimes passes out in the living room or at his desk. It is a very sad and lonely place for me at times. I will do nice things for him and he acknowledges them which I love. He still tells me I am beautiful and sexy but almost like he is forcing himself. He did ask me to stop meeting him for lunch on Fridays since he works through his lunch now and he actually learned how to tie his own tie. I miss doing that or him in the mornings but he says he prefers to do it himself now. Its almost like he stopped caring altogether. Dinner parties and family gatherings are also very uncomfortable for both of us. He tries to avoid these as much as possible. This is just a bad time for both of us and neither of us have told our children about what I have done or what may come of it all. You created this by allowing a young kid to screw you. Now your H no longer wants you because you show such disrespect and lack of character. Look, you did this! There are some actions that can never be fixed... This may be one. Look after your kids now... Your H is disinterested in you and rightly so. Be a good Mom. Pay attention to doing that. Make the D as easy for your H as possible - you OWE him that - at the very least.
Recommended Posts