PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 (edited) Hello everyone, Thanks for taking the time to read this - even if you don't respond putting my thoughts to paper are very therapeutic. For those who haven't read my previous thread, I was dating this girl for a few months when she started acting strange about three weeks ago, dissuading me from coming to say Hi to her when she was out one night, bailing on plans with me a few days later, not hearing from her on her days off, then finally her running around with her best (female) friend at a concert afterparty we were at. The day before the concert, I took the opportunity to explain to her that the situation was stressing me out. In hindsight, it was clear to me that with the pull of her best friend (who is very single and very wild) and the pull of me in the other direction, that the girl was on the fence about what is going on. Add that to the fact that her friend recently started seeing a DJ who could get them into places where all the concerts for the music they like are played.. she was really torn and I was becoming more and more edgy as she started to party more and get integrated into this new group of people. I can summarize that last night like this: After spending most of the night on my own, when we were ready to leave, she and her friend were talking to some people and she just looked at me funny and when I said goodbye she just let me walk off. Anyway, when she flaked on me that night at the after party I can't help but think that I overreacted, that perhaps taking something with perhaps a conciliatory solution (she was very apologetic) - instead, the next morning, I got upset and stretched the proverbial elastic until it snapped. By pushing her until the elastic snapped - I mean I think I got so precise about what bothered me that she realized she was probably going to do something like it again, and realized how much it stressed me out, that it was easier and best for both of us that we go our separate ways. I feel pretty foolish - I was upset because she flaked on me despite our conversation we had the night before, it really offended me that she thumbed her nose at something that was kind of important to me. The pre-eminent thought in my mind is - did I screw this up? Would we have worked out? Would I have wanted to be with her after that week anyhow? I feel that she put me in a really tough position - certainly a no win scenario. igh. Sorry, just needed to think out loud here. It sucks knowing that someone screwed up but that you ended it. I feel like I lost a good friend. Edited July 20, 2012 by PropertyChaser
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Stop second guessing it all. She wasn't making you HER priority! Why would you settle for being her option? She wasn't into you enough to make effort to see you. That tells you everything she's never gonna tell you. Forget about her.
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Stop second guessing it all. She wasn't making you HER priority! Why would you settle for being her option? She wasn't into you enough to make effort to see you. That tells you everything she's never gonna tell you. Forget about her. It's true and that's what I've been thinking about - on the other hand, I lost the "morality" card by getting angry with her. She provided me with the fodder to dump her, but now I've given her reason to not feel bad.
Chi townD Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 2 weeks later - I think I overreacted No you didn't. Dude, she could have mistaken you for a potted plant in the corner at that after party. I'm surprised if she could remember your name or even acknowledged who you were. And I speculate that she would have rather have you NOT there.
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Keep in mind - the one who cares the least holds the most power. Don't hand her your power.
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 2 weeks later - I think I overreacted No you didn't. Dude, she could have mistaken you for a potted plant in the corner at that after party. I'm surprised if she could remember your name or even acknowledged who you were. And I speculate that she would have rather have you NOT there. I should add for the record, up until that point she had been awesome, but it spiralled downhill fast. I'm not someone that asks for a lot, or speaks a lot, but when I do bring something up and ask for something, I expect to be taken seriously. But honestly, that's what it felt like. Last time I talked to her I said something like this: When we were at Celebrities most of the time it felt like you were avoiding me. It appeared to me as though you would prefer to be with your blueprint/other friends instead. By the closing time, I felt like an afterthought, with the impression that you were embarrassed hanging out with me and that you would rather be with anyone else. *shrug* I don't know what else to say. In the context of the fact that we were having a very rocky week - ditching the person you came with probably isn't the best idea to put things back on the straight and true path.
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Keep in mind - the one who cares the least holds the most power. Don't hand her your power. Sadly - this is also true. Even though I want to talk to her, I haven't chatted with her since last Monday - there's nothing left to say - actions speak for themselves.
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Sadly - this is also true. Even though I want to talk to her, I haven't chatted with her since last Monday - there's nothing left to say - actions speak for themselves. Why would you want to talk to someone who treats you terribly? You need help with your lack of self esteem.
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Why would you want to talk to someone who treats you terribly? You need help with your lack of self esteem. I never said I wanted to talk to her - there's literally nothing left to say. Rather than hang out with me she'd rather go schmooze with these DJs and their groupies - since I rocked off the scene she's tapped into them and is partying 3 nights a week. She did it in front of my face, it was insulting, degrading, and a complete joke. It's sad to me that it took less than a week for her to throw me under the bus for those guys, how sad.
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Sadly - this is also true. Even though I want to talk to her, I haven't chatted with her since last Monday - there's nothing left to say - actions speak for themselves. I never said I wanted to talk to her - there's literally nothing left to say. Rather than hang out with me she'd rather go schmooze with these DJs and their groupies - since I rocked off the scene she's tapped into them and is partying 3 nights a week. She did it in front of my face, it was insulting, degrading, and a complete joke. It's sad to me that it took less than a week for her to throw me under the bus for those guys, how sad. You are contradicting yourself...
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 You are contradicting yourself... Sorry maybe I should rephrase - how to put this. Yeah she was a great friend, I wish I could talk to that same great friend.... but she isn't a that friend any more, and as hard as it is to admit someone is no longer a great friend, I am not going to talk to her any more. The most awkward thing is she was like "So I guess maybe we should just be friends then?" Errrr no - what you did was so insulting why would I want to be friends with you if you can't discuss what's wrong and try to work it out? She had the gall to feed me a ton of bs excuses too, then go party her face off. I
Sameold Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Sounds like she thought you were fun for a while and then got bored and moved on to something else that was fun. So you got angry? So what? That doesn't give her a reason to feel better about things or that she acted appropriately. You are human, sometimes the only way to make people realise just what an arse they have been is to tell them. If you didn't tell her then she would just assume you were OK with her treating you like a plant pot. Seriously, don't be her friend and never contact her again, you will look pathetic! Leave her be now and one day let her think "man, i was harsh to that guy".
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Sounds like she thought you were fun for a while and then got bored and moved on to something else that was fun. So you got angry? So what? That doesn't give her a reason to feel better about things or that she acted appropriately. You are human, sometimes the only way to make people realise just what an arse they have been is to tell them. If you didn't tell her then she would just assume you were OK with her treating you like a plant pot. Seriously, don't be her friend and never contact her again, you will look pathetic! Leave her be now and one day let her think "man, i was harsh to that guy". It's funny - I pretty much laid exactly that out to her and how offensive and degrading it was to be commodified as an after thought.
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Annnnnndddd I got a long message from her about how pissed she was about the email I sent last week. Yikes. LOL.
2sunny Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Annnnnndddd I got a long message from her about how pissed she was about the email I sent last week. Yikes. LOL. Block her!
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Block her! I will. The one thing that keeps coming into my mind tonight is: How the **** am I supposed to react to what happened? It's not something that you can forgive and forget! I don't even know how to process it, there's no justifying it, it's just egregious to the core.
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 After putting some thought into it I replied with this message today: "At the end of the day, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react to or process what happened that night. I appreciate the fact that you apologized, which meant a lot. Likewise, I'm sorry for getting angry and overreacting. With my parents splitting up, and everything else that happened that week, that night had really meant a lot to me. I don't have anything else to say. In the moment I was really overwhelmed and disappointed. Eventually I will get over it, but that will take time. I should be around on Tuesday to give you your stuff, alternatively I can give it to X for you to grab it from him."
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 And why do you keep thinking you owe her more words when she doesn't make effort for you? It's just wasted effort and energy. Don't communicate with her further. Tell her - you're stuffs on the curb. Pick it up before someone else does.
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 And why do you keep thinking you owe her more words when she doesn't make effort for you? It's just wasted effort and energy. Don't communicate with her further. Tell her - you're stuffs on the curb. Pick it up before someone else does. I told her I had nothing left to say.
2sunny Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 I told her I had nothing left to say. Even that wasn't necessary. When you go and stay completely silent on her - that is when she'll realize you no longer have her attention. ANY communication with her is an ego feed for her at this point. You choose to hand her that power over you every time to communicate with her - yet she still just acts Ike she doesn't care! Stop torturing yourself dude!!!
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 Even that wasn't necessary. When you go and stay completely silent on her - that is when she'll realize you no longer have her attention. ANY communication with her is an ego feed for her at this point. You choose to hand her that power over you every time to communicate with her - yet she still just acts Ike she doesn't care! Stop torturing yourself dude!!! You're right.
Author PropertyChaser Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 After taking some more time and thinking about it I've pretty much put together a timeline of what's happened and it's made me feel better. What I realized is that as June went on the amount of times she went out gradually escalated.. from once a week to at least two times a week. Her best friend goes out two times a week. In the second week of June they met these DJs and groupies, next thing I know she's being invited into the DJ booths, into the back rooms, getting preferential treatment. As time goes she starts to go out more and more without me. While I don't think it's anything personal - it's the age she's at (20) the result was inevitable. While it breaks my heart a little that she put me in this unenviable position, I enabled her by trusting her.... which was fine until suddenly it wasn't. I had no impression anything was wrong, though, I should have anticipated it as before she was just going out with her friend, but the allure and glitz and "glamour" associated with hanging out with these DJs was probably too much for her to turn down. Oh well - I'll live. I've got bigger fish to fry.
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