Tips for Women in the early stages of dating?

July 19, 2012

Hey guys and girls,

I'm looking for advice when it comes to the beginning stages of dating..i.e. 4, 5th date and beyond.

It's sort of that awkward time where you might have high expectations(I usually try to hope for the best even though I can be negative with my thoughts) but you can't put pressure on the other person.

If you notice a change in contact..maybe more texting rather than calls, no calls for a few days and just a noticeable change..should you test the waters here and there, subtly point it out to show you notice it, lay low and see what the person does?

I read alot of articles and most say don't question the guy or get too emotional early on..it shows neediness. So do you just continue being nice and cute and like everything is ok when they do actually contact you? One of my friends is very blunt with guys now that she is almost 30. She tells them pretty much the 2nd date what she is looking for and she isn't into games or wondering if they will call or not and if he doesn't like it or it's too much, he can leave. She said it's pretty much worked for the most part for her. That approach might be too much for me to do though.

Do you play the game at times when contact has changed? If he takes hours to respond, do you? Do you let the call go to voicemail if doesn't call for a few days?

If he becomes busy with work for a week--do you give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him if it sounds sincerely true?

Just sort of looking for tips, advice on what others think works best in these situations. It can be confusing with dating even if it's the right guy.

July 19, 2012

The best tip, for people in general, is to have your own life. When you have a fulfilling life, you're not sitting by the phone waiting for someone to call or text you. You don't become so immediately invested in an outcome when you meet someone new. You become less tolerant of when someone's jerking you around because you have better things to do than be okay with that and wait for them. You think in terms of "What does this person add to my life? Do I like him/her?" instead of "Does he/she like me?"

July 20, 2012

The best tip, for people in general, is to have your own life. When you have a fulfilling life, you're not sitting by the phone waiting for someone to call or text you. You don't become so immediately invested in an outcome when you meet someone new. You become less tolerant of when someone's jerking you around because you have better things to do than be okay with that and wait for them. You think in terms of "What does this person add to my life? Do I like him/her?" instead of "Does he/she like me?"

This could apply to both genders The amount of guys that do the same sh*t

July 20, 2012

I've definitely heard this as well and believe it's true.

For me personally when I meet someone it tends to definitely be on my mind if I don't hear from the person or if the contact changes after a few dates. I know that's not good but it somehow still gets to me even if I am trying to be busy.

What do you do though if the contact does change--do you sort of mirror the other person's actions..do you point out listen, do you still want to keep talking and just be straight forward?

What if they suddenly text more than calling and it just seems like there is a change..do you wait it out since it's still early on while doing your own thing?

July 20, 2012

Is it too soon to expect a call each night?

For me personally I am kind of going through a little trouble..been out with a guy about 5 times..last week he had a very stressful week which i fully understood we wouldn't be able to see each other. This week it's more back to normal but we still haven't spoken on the phone since the weekend. Before the week with work and testing we were at a good pace and seemed to want to be in more contact and see each other.

It's been busy for him this week too which I believe when he tells me what's going on..but everyone has a few minutes to call at some point.

Do i lay low rather than questioning anything and just give the benefit of the doubt? He is also the type that if he is doing anything else or with others he just won't respond to my text. I don't necessarily believe he's with girls or anything but it's just frustrating if I don't hear a response for like 6 hours.

A friend said maybe wait to see if things get a little better next week. She said it almost seems like he isn't playing games but he just thinks everything is fine and it's ok that he hasn't called...we have basically been communicating through text but it's spread out.

I started mirroring his actions..if he takes hours to respond then I don't rush to respond either just based on principle.

July 20, 2012

Put out more. Shave it. Be real nasty. Dirty talk. Anything goes.

Then stay over and make breakfast.

Repeat.

That will beat all that thinking you're doing every time.

July 20, 2012

Is it too soon to expect a call each night?

Yes. If it weren't too soon, it would be happening, and it isn't.

There's no universal timetable for when things happen, so expecting something based on a timetable rather than your actual interactions with each other is foolish. You're bound to be disappointed because relationships don't develop on a set schedule.

People call each other each night when they want to hear each other's voice every night. Usually, that happens pretty naturally. You shouldn't have to force it or be pressuring him about it. Or yourself.

In my experience, when two people hit it off, all of these rules and schedules don't matter. You won't have to wonder what he's thinking when you meet someone you click with. And you won't need to be planning strategies regarding texts and calls and frequency because those will happen naturally without angst.

July 20, 2012

It's definitely too soon for a call every night. I would wait until the "exclusivity talk" before even thinking about that. Even if you both aren't dating around, before you've defined the parameters it's too soon to expect. In terms of texting, I personally don't answer a text right away if I don't have time to have a texting conversation. If I'm busy, I'll wait until I have some time. If I'm with friends or at work it is (in my opinion) rude and disrespectful to be texting someone else while I'm trying to have a conversation or get my work done.

July 20, 2012

If you want to talk to him, call him.

From your posts, it sounds like you are expecting him to initiate all the phone calls(?)

Regarding frequency of texts/calls... Things should fall into a rhythm and progression that feels good to both of you. If it doesn't, I suppose one suggestion of "I'd really like to talk to you soon" might be appropriate.

If it isn't reciprocated, then you have your answer. It's kinda like ping-pong. Just because the ball drops off the table, doesn't mean you can't pick it back up and try to put it back in play.

If he doesn't hit it back, then you just aren't on the same wavelength... and it's time to move along.

July 20, 2012

It all sounded like good advice so far except the 'put out more/shave it' one. I don't agree with that, it sounds like sexual manipulation in order to get the guy to spend more time with you. He should want that on his own, if he legitimately likes her and wants to pursue her as she is right now, just being herself. Just my 2 cents.

Edited July 20, 2012 by Forever Learning

July 20, 2012

It all sounded like good advice so far except the 'put out more/shave it' one. I don't agree with that, it sounds like sexual manipulation in order to get the guy to spend more time with you. He should want that on his own, if he legitimately likes her and wants to pursue her as she is right now, just being herself. Just my 2 cents.

Look at the OP having her own life, interests, and being herself.

Then place a new, comparatively attractive woman, doing as I said in her guys life, and he will pick her every time.

I'm telling you....EVERY time.

July 20, 2012

Yes. If it weren't too soon, it would be happening, and it isn't.

There's no universal timetable for when things happen, so expecting something based on a timetable rather than your actual interactions with each other is foolish. You're bound to be disappointed because relationships don't develop on a set schedule.

People call each other each night when they want to hear each other's voice every night. Usually, that happens pretty naturally. You shouldn't have to force it or be pressuring him about it. Or yourself.

In my experience, when two people hit it off, all of these rules and schedules don't matter. You won't have to wonder what he's thinking when you meet someone you click with. And you won't need to be planning strategies regarding texts and calls and frequency because those will happen naturally without angst.

This.

As for your personal situation, I would lower my expectations and start dating others. I don't think it's going anywhere to be honest.

July 20, 2012

As much as women don't want to come accross as needy guys don't want to either. So a 3 day lapse in contact doesn't neccessarily mean he's not linterested or lost interest. We don't wan't to scare yall off either, that's what makes dating so damb frustrating. Too many ships passing in the night.

July 20, 2012

all good points..i definitely wouldn't put out to try and get a guy to like me..definitely not my style..i take that act more seriously and wait til I am more certain how he feels about me.

There was one incident about 2 saturdays ago..we texted a little bit but it just didn't feel as nice for some reason..i was sort of annoyed by it. he said he would call in a bit and never did. I decided to text him later on in the evening to see what he was up to. He did eventually joke and say so are we gonna see each other again? I joked back saying you tell me mr. flaky lol And i mentioned to him how i would have hung out tonight but he didn't get back to me.

He basically wrote if i wanted to hang out tonight i should have just said so and he thinks he has put in good effort to show he is willing to hang out with me (a few times if he wasn't too far from my area coming home from work he would say maybe i can stop over and we get a drink or coffee etc etc so atleast we would see each other a little bit)

So maybe it's his way of saying it's fine for me at times to ask or to call? I still think it's rude to say you will call and then don't.

July 20, 2012

Dating is a two way street. You can't expect the guy to always be the one reaching out to make contact. I appreciate the fact that you don't want to seem to needy, but there is a difference between being needy/clingy and friendly social.

From a guy's perspective, it is a lot of pressure on its own going through the first few dates with someone. You don't want to do or say the wrong thing because women are very sensitive and judgemental...especially in the beginning. They tend to attach meaning to everything. So as a guy already dealing with that and then always having to be the one reaching out and calling and making plans is even more stressful. Especially when you are trying to balance this with your already busy life.

I would cut him some slack and try to take some pressure off by calling him every so often or offering to make plans or come see him.

July 20, 2012

ok so another example

he is busy pretty much the whole weekend..it's long to explain but almost like a side job this weekend in some sense but more for interest as well.

Should i not call him then? I dont really know if he would pick up, i am guessing not if he is with others. Or call anyway just to call..or if he texts me maybe i should say call me later if you have a few minutes for a break or something

We texted a little bit today which was initiated by me but if he is with others he takes hours to respond like i said before.

So maybe leave it alone unless he contacts me?

July 20, 2012

Do i lay low rather than questioning anything and just give the benefit of the doubt? He is also the type that if he is doing anything else or with others he just won't respond to my text. I don't necessarily believe he's with girls or anything but it's just frustrating if I don't hear a response for like 6 hours.

A friend said maybe wait to see if things get a little better next week. She said it almost seems like he isn't playing games but he just thinks everything is fine and it's ok that he hasn't called...we have basically been communicating through text but it's spread out.

I started mirroring his actions..if he takes hours to respond then I don't rush to respond either just based on principle.

A text takes about 2 minutes, and nobody is so busy not to have even 2 minutes worth of time, and if they don't then obviously you are not high enough on the priority list. If that type of keepin in touch is important to you and to him not so much, then either you a) aren't compatible or b) he's just not that into you.

Either way, I would drop him like a hot potato.

July 21, 2012

you're right but i'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt for now.

We exchanged a few texts this afternoon but it was initiated by me..and now nothing all night..i am assuming he is possibly caught up with his the weekend he has ahead of him but it's more of an interest thing than being paid to work. I just think he could take two minutes to say hey how's everything going.

I just sense a decrease unless it really has just been a fluky and busy time and to see if anything changes next week when we do actually see each other.

It just sort of makes me strongly feel that I shouldn't contact him this weekend..and if he does happen to call tomorrow that maybe i should let a day and night go by without returning a text or call basically due to him not being able to respond this week for hours or barely talk on the phone

Sometimes it's necessary to do that sort of thing so he knows i may not be around if this keeps up or I am out doing my own thing.....

July 21, 2012

I can say that I frequently take hours to respond to text messages, even if I'm interested in the girl - obvious exceptions are if we're trying to figure out a time to meet and have a limited time to do so. I keep my phone with me most of the time, but if I'm with people, I'll never bust it out and start texting. Since I'm with people at work most of the day - that means things get left until lunch, or a rare break.

I agree with one of the other posters - some people are text happy, and expect prompt responses. If I had to deal with someone like that, they either have to get use to a slow response, or hit the road (i.e. not compatible). If they need that, they're not really my kind of person anyhow - it seems kind of needy to need a response within minutes of getting a text.

July 21, 2012

Hey guys and girls,

I'm looking for advice when it comes to the beginning stages of dating..i.e. 4, 5th date and beyond.

It's sort of that awkward time where you might have high expectations(I usually try to hope for the best even though I can be negative with my thoughts) but you can't put pressure on the other person.

If you notice a change in contact..maybe more texting rather than calls, no calls for a few days and just a noticeable change..should you test the waters here and there, subtly point it out to show you notice it, lay low and see what the person does?

I read alot of articles and most say don't question the guy or get too emotional early on..it shows neediness. So do you just continue being nice and cute and like everything is ok when they do actually contact you? One of my friends is very blunt with guys now that she is almost 30. She tells them pretty much the 2nd date what she is looking for and she isn't into games or wondering if they will call or not and if he doesn't like it or it's too much, he can leave. She said it's pretty much worked for the most part for her. That approach might be too much for me to do though.

Do you play the game at times when contact has changed? If he takes hours to respond, do you? Do you let the call go to voicemail if doesn't call for a few days?

If he becomes busy with work for a week--do you give him the benefit of the doubt and believe him if it sounds sincerely true?

Just sort of looking for tips, advice on what others think works best in these situations. It can be confusing with dating even if it's the right guy.

You shouldn't be on Loveshack asking for advice when your friend already has given you the best tips. I really hope you're over 21 by now.

July 21, 2012

Yes. If it weren't too soon, it would be happening, and it isn't.

There's no universal timetable for when things happen, so expecting something based on a timetable rather than your actual interactions with each other is foolish. You're bound to be disappointed because relationships don't develop on a set schedule.

People call each other each night when they want to hear each other's voice every night. Usually, that happens pretty naturally. You shouldn't have to force it or be pressuring him about it. Or yourself.

In my experience, when two people hit it off, all of these rules and schedules don't matter. You won't have to wonder what he's thinking when you meet someone you click with. And you won't need to be planning strategies regarding texts and calls and frequency because those will happen naturally without angst.

Exactly nj! (nice to read your level advice again)

I'd back off this guy if his interest is already starting to taper off.

July 21, 2012

I am one to just go with the flow. In the early stages I don't ever really know if I like the guy THAT much, so if he were to slow the roll contact wise I wouldn't think twice.

If I really did have a good time though, I text him.

If he doesn't respond, at least I tried to reach out.

*shrug*

To many people complicate dating with worry, I learned to stop doing that once I realized how much stress I was causing myself.

One guy I have had 2 great dates with I like, but if you look at our text history, it is a conversation that tends to last days since he texts back so slowly. Only 2 dates though, so I figure if he wants another one he will ask.

It really is all a case by case question.

July 21, 2012

Rose, read the book "He's Just Not That Into You," and stop making excuses for him for the lack of contact. He is done. I have seen that behaviour many, many times before. The other clear indicator of lack of respect is a last-minute request to go out. Do not accept those - not in the early days, anyway.

When a man is truly interested in seeing someone again, it comes through loud and clear. There is none of this childish behaviour.

July 21, 2012

it's just not me,

i wanted to send you a private message to go into more details but you don't have that option available.

I don't want to give out too much information but before last week (not this past week--the previous one) we were at a good pace..seeing each other about 2 times a week, in some form of contact

Last week I really had to disregard b/c it had to do with his job and being tested and studying. He was then offered sort of a once in a lifetime thing in my opinion which took up a two full days this week and all of this weekend.

So with that being said I am just trying to decide if i should lay low and see if anything changes if/when we see each other again. Yesterday I texted him in the afternoon and he texted back. Nothing all night til about 11pm and he said he is only getting home now and needs to be back at 6am so he is going straight to bed etc.

i decided not to respond last night and write something in the morning

Edited July 21, 2012 by rose45

July 22, 2012

Its funny how people act in so many different ways ..

Even if you are not a msg person , come on , it only takes 2 mnts to send a sms .

Im talking with a girl ,she works in a cafe , she cant use the phone ,but when she have breaks she send me a sms back ,sometimes she is the first one to send , even something simple like , how was your night ? .

Theres no excuse , im not saying that he doesnt like you but that BS about stress and too much work dont work with me !!

For one week let him send you the first msg , or call you .

Answer to him every time but dont initiate , if you see that he isnt giving you the attention that you need ,move on , theres guys like me who respect a girl

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