tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 19, 2012 Posted July 19, 2012 I have posted several times before on LS about my constant struggle with staying away from my ex. I have been struggling with this for more than 9 years and basically I'm starting to lose count. My family is very supportive and my friends have been compassionate as well. But, I feel myself breaking again. I have tried NC more than I can remember and I always cave, leading to more and more heartache. I am currently 1 month and a day into NC (for the 100th time). Everyday is a struggle and I feel myself on the verge of reaching out to her. It's so sad, because when I type out a text to her...as soon as I start searching for her name in my phone, I literally start to shake. My anxiety goes through the roof. It sounds like a drug addict getting ready to take a hit! Long story short, is there anyone out there willing to help me, by holding me accountable. It would be nice to have someone to provide a little encouragement and maybe even get a pat on the back when I meet a goal that we could set together. I would love to team up with someone and do this for each other. Or perhaps, there is someone out there that is stronger than me, that can be there to remind me of the goals we set. There are websites out there for financial and weight loss accountability, but I haven't found anything specifically like this for NC.
ScienceGal Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Do you have children with her? If not, you have no reason to have her information on hand. You need to delete all of her contact information (phone numbers, emails, social media connections) and block her wherever possible. That it step one.
Author tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 Do you have children with her? If not, you have no reason to have her information on hand. You need to delete all of her contact information (phone numbers, emails, social media connections) and block her wherever possible. That it step one. Thanks for your response ScienceGal... I can definitely delete everything, we don't have kids. My fear with blocking her texts and phone calls completely is that what if something terrible happens to her, or her family. I would feel horrible and selfish if I wasn't there to help. This is an actual fear that has kept me from ignoring her entirely in the past. I just don't want to ever be considered heartless or selfish.
ScienceGal Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 Thanks for your response ScienceGal... I can definitely delete everything, we don't have kids. My fear with blocking her texts and phone calls completely is that what if something terrible happens to her, or her family. I would feel horrible and selfish if I wasn't there to help. This is an actual fear that has kept me from ignoring her entirely in the past. I just don't want to ever be considered heartless or selfish. STOP putting her before yourself. She is your ex, and you don't owe her or her family anything. I understand your fear, but it is not your responsibility or place to "be there" in case something happens. It hurts to walk away, but you need to. The transition must be made. NC is so that you can focus on yourself and your life and move on. Do you want to live your life in the background simply waiting to jump up if she needs you? Never moving on? Never being truly happy again? Never letting another woman into your life? I think your real fear is the fear of finally letting her go. Think about it. Life is too precious. You say this has gone on for 9 years? How long was the actual relationship?
Author tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 We were together off and on for over 9 years. I kind of always felt things weren't absolutely right with her from the beginning. So, during the first 4 years I broke things off with her few times. But, I could never completely stay away. One reason was that I could not stand to see her so hurt. The second reason was because I was hooked on how physically appealing she was (I feel extremely shallow typing that). I did not think I would be able to replace her, with someone as pretty, that was more suited for me in regards to our core values. After awhile...she grew cold and started doing very evil things and beingextremely dishonest an disrespectful toward me. This made me chase her even more. I began to crave the person she was in the beginning. Compared to how she had become, her former self was a dream come true. She blamed the break ups for causing her to change. But, I knew her cruelty ran much deeper than just our history together. I now think she used me breaking up with her as an excuse to cover up her committment phobia and other issues. Sorry for going off course in answering your question. After the sixth year of being hurt by the so-called friendship we had. I tried NC for 2 years...usually hanging in there for only 4 mths. at a time. After the 2 years of NC/LC we got back together for only a couple mths.
CopingGal Posted July 20, 2012 Posted July 20, 2012 After my ex confessed to cheating on me and doing cruel things to me behind my back with no remorse, I kept in contact with him. I did that because he claimed he was going to start individual therapy and I wanted to be there for him in case the therapist wanted to hear "from one of the ex's victims" to understand my ex better. I told my ex if he wanted me to go to therapy with him, I would. I wanted my ex to get the help that he needed. It was a big mistake. My ex kept throwing his girlfriend in my face and harassed me. He would compare me to her...how great she was because she put 100% trust in him on the first date, although she met him online, and nonsense like that. I was broken into millions of pieces, but he goes on and on about the woman he cheated on me with. My sister told me when you break up with someone, that's it. Whatever problems they have is their own business. I thought that was cold of her. But I realize now, she was right. The only exception is if the bf was good to me and we broke up for some other reason. I could care less that my ex has a ton of medical problems now. After the Hell he put me through, I really feel like he's getting what he deserves. This person has disrespected you big time. Let her go. If she or her family needs you, that's their problems. Put yourself first. 1
Author tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 20, 2012 Author Posted July 20, 2012 After my ex confessed to cheating on me and doing cruel things to me behind my back with no remorse, I kept in contact with him. I did that because he claimed he was going to start individual therapy and I wanted to be there for him in case the therapist wanted to hear "from one of the ex's victims" to understand my ex better. I told my ex if he wanted me to go to therapy with him, I would. I wanted my ex to get the help that he needed. It was a big mistake. My ex kept throwing his girlfriend in my face and harassed me. He would compare me to her...how great she was because she put 100% trust in him on the first date, although she met him online, and nonsense like that. I was broken into millions of pieces, but he goes on and on about the woman he cheated on me with. My sister told me when you break up with someone, that's it. Whatever problems they have is their own business. I thought that was cold of her. But I realize now, she was right. The only exception is if the bf was good to me and we broke up for some other reason. I could care less that my ex has a ton of medical problems now. After the Hell he put me through, I really feel like he's getting what he deserves. This person has disrespected you big time. Let her go. If she or her family needs you, that's their problems. Put yourself first. Thank you so much CopingGal!! I've struggled with this issue for so many yrs. Never being comfortable with the idea of not being there for people I truly love. But, now I realize if I don't get away from them, I may not survive to be able to help anyone in need. I suppose this is not so much being selfish, as it is being wise! I just never want to be like my ex. Say, I'll be there for someone and then I'm no where to be found when I'm truly needed. Just a fear of mine. That I will start fighting to get over! Everything you said makes sense and I'm sorry that you also had such a difficult time with your ex.
Coffee20 Posted July 21, 2012 Posted July 21, 2012 hello, I can completely understand your feelings and urge to contact your ex again and again because you still care. I feel exactly the same. But I have to agree with CopingGal here. She is absolutely right. It's the same for me. If I accidently see his picture or want to write him I start to shake. Maybe you should completely delete every contact of her from you life and maybe you should change you phone number too. This is what helped me a bit. Hope you will be better.
Author tryingtodiscoveranew Posted July 21, 2012 Author Posted July 21, 2012 hello, I can completely understand your feelings and urge to contact your ex again and again because you still care. I feel exactly the same. But I have to agree with CopingGal here. She is absolutely right. It's the same for me. If I accidently see his picture or want to write him I start to shake. Maybe you should completely delete every contact of her from you life and maybe you should change you phone number too. This is what helped me a bit. Hope you will be better. Hey Coffee20... Thank you for reaching out!! I am still faithful with my NC...In the second month of it going strong (50% of the time). Can't wait til it's 100%...I'll even take 60% at this point!lol So glad to hear that I am not alone with experiencing the shakes when I see her picture, etc. I actually thought I was developing a panic disorder...whew!! Please take care of yourself as well.
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